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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed that my mum says "our" baby!?

130 replies

ButterflyJinx · 26/05/2012 23:02

It really bothers me that she refers to my daughter as "our" baby. I feel like saying, "Actually, mum, she's MY baby!" but I don't want to hurt her feelings, so I've always just ignored it. Now she's text me asking how "our" baby is and I've ranted to my OH once again, who thinks I should tell her to stop saying it.

I don't know if it's something petty that I should carry on ignoring or whether I should speak up about it! Does/would it bother anyone else? X

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 27/05/2012 07:19

I think you're being very petty.

SoupDragon · 27/05/2012 07:20

"Now, though, I use it to my advantage, when recounting something monstrous one of the dc has done I say your grandson has done x, y and z. "

Er... he is her grandson though

surroundedbyblondes · 27/05/2012 07:22

Is she butting in in other ways too though?

It wouldn't bother me if my DM said it, however my MIL is very overbearing, clingy, in need of affirmation and openly undermines DH and my decisions with our DDs, so it would bother me if she said it.

MrsMikePeasbody · 27/05/2012 07:23

Oh and Hilly I adore my MIL, I talk to her every day and she is fab. Yes, that 'our baby' thing drove me mad when I had my pfb but I think you are genuinely a bit unbalanced with your first baby because you are in a permanent state of shock for the first year

I think rules are, never drop around without calling, ask permission before you do anything baby related (as DIL regains sanity this will be less necessary), provide food, offer baby sitting. I loved MIL before I had dc but after I had them and she was so besotted I loved her even more when we set up their mutual appreciation society. Grandparents are the best because there can be no accusations of boasting when you celebrate dcs' triumphs, just massive self congratulation all round

MrsMikePeasbody · 27/05/2012 07:27

I know that soupy. But the emphasis being on her grandson/grandaughter. It makes MIL laugh not eg.your grandson got so caked in mud at football I had to take him home in his pants.

So to you!!

iwasyoungonce · 27/05/2012 07:28

My mum says "how's my little boy/ girl?" about my two, because she loves them like her own, and is very involved with them (helps me with childcare etc). I thank my lucky stars every day that my mum feels this way, and enjoys her grandchildren so much.

I think YABU.

CravingSleep · 27/05/2012 07:40

Mine aren't particularly interested in helping - 'you gave birth to them you deal with it'. I'd love them to refer to daughter as our baby!

SoupDragon · 27/05/2012 07:45

"So to you!!"

right back at you. I used the emoticon, because I was, you know, confused as it made no sense.

LindyHemming · 27/05/2012 07:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoboksAndCot · 27/05/2012 07:55

I refer to my DN as 'my gorgeous boy' I'll never have a son so he's the closest I'll get. I wonder if I'm secretly pissing off? Hopefully not, she's pretty laid back!

BoboksAndCot · 27/05/2012 07:56

Secretly pissing SIL off

DeckSwabber · 27/05/2012 07:56

It feels very inclusive to me - much nicer than people who pointedly say its your* baby (usually when anything goes wrong) and bodes very well for the baby's future relationship with a loving granny and caring family.

However, think SweetEspressos may have a good point.

VikingVagine · 27/05/2012 08:56

YABU, it means she cares, not she has secret plans to have you killed off and steal your baby in theory .

Fluffycloudland77 · 27/05/2012 08:56

It would bother me to be honest.

Babies/weddings, you had yours so let someone else have a go without thinking you know all there is to know about it, because none of us do.

hecatetrivia · 27/05/2012 09:00

Is it really a terrible thing? It's more an expression of the emotion of it really. your mum gave birth to you, you then went on to give birth to your own child. You both come from her, iyswim she feels a connection to the child of her child.

that's a nice thing.

WhiteWidow · 27/05/2012 09:00

That would annoy the hell of out me

upahill · 27/05/2012 09:05

YABU
It's a phrase that is often used round my area.
It's signifies a family unit.

shemademedoit · 27/05/2012 09:05

YABU.....,BUT I totally agree with you. My MIL does the same thing and it drives me mental!!!!!!

MushroomSoup · 27/05/2012 09:06

My wonderful MIL could not keep her hands off our DD and referred to her as 'my baby' all through the pregnancy, which just amused me until she started talking about taking our baby to have her ears pierced after she was born and told me about all the frilly white dresses she was buying for her and how she was going to take her on holiday while she was a baby aaarrggh! Then I had to point out that "sorry but she is not your baby, she's mine and there's no way on earth that's happening!".
Bless her, she just said "okay!" - she was absolutely away with the fairies of grandchild-delight.

NewGirlInTown · 27/05/2012 10:37

You sound unhinged
Where is the respect for your own mother in this?
Life will provide you with plenty more things to be 'bothered' by.

WinkyWinkola · 27/05/2012 10:45

I don't think yanbu but you don't need to worry.

It's not her baby. She is your baby without a doubt. You made her, carried her, felt dreadful in pregnancy and labour, you do all the late nights, you are responsible for her. Not your mother.

Is your mother one for treading on your toes as a rule, op? Is this one more example of it? Because if someone is generally respectful of boundaries and other people, then people don't usually mind this sort of "our baby" or "my baby" language. Irritation with it is usually indicative of other stuff going on before the baby arrived.

WinkyWinkola · 27/05/2012 10:49

Surroundedbyblondes, completely agree with you on your point "It wouldn't bother me if my DM said it, however my MIL is very overbearing, clingy, in need of affirmation and openly undermines DH and my decisions with our DDs, so it would bother me if she said it."

Often, it's not just about including the baby in the family unit. It's about the gps asserting themselves over the mother. A lot more complex than simply a case of "Oh I love the baby."

That's not to say that's necessarily what's going on here though.

Bumperlicious · 27/05/2012 11:07

How old is your baby? Is it still early days? I only ask because my mum used to say this when I was pg and it used to really bother me, it was like she was encroaching on my territory. If your mum can be quite controlling (as mine can) it can be be a symptom of that relationship.

However my DDs are 4 and 1 and if my mum wanted to kidnap them and pretend they were hers for a week I'd be very grateful now!

PeppermintLatte · 27/05/2012 11:25

it's a northern thing isn't it?

we all say it in my family "how's our jim?" we even greet family members with "hello our xxx"

my mum always says "our baby" to people about my DD. doesn't bother me at all.

my MIL doesn't say it though, she only ever says "how's the baby?"

exoticfruits · 27/05/2012 11:36

I find all this possessiveness very weird-the baby isn't a piece of china!
You can't actually own another human. The baby will know the difference! I can't see why it is a problem. Unfortunately people are at their worst with a baby and it wears off once the poor child gets a voice of it's own.
I can't see that it matters.

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