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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that my mum says "our" baby!?

130 replies

ButterflyJinx · 26/05/2012 23:02

It really bothers me that she refers to my daughter as "our" baby. I feel like saying, "Actually, mum, she's MY baby!" but I don't want to hurt her feelings, so I've always just ignored it. Now she's text me asking how "our" baby is and I've ranted to my OH once again, who thinks I should tell her to stop saying it.

I don't know if it's something petty that I should carry on ignoring or whether I should speak up about it! Does/would it bother anyone else? X

OP posts:
babybythesea · 26/05/2012 23:36

YAB a bit U. Sorry, although if something annoys you, it just does!
I do it with my best friend's two children, and she does it with mine.

Obviously, her kids have no blood ties to me and so they are not mine in any way, shape or form.
But I love them both almost as much as I love my own dd. I don't live near them any more (used to live two minutes away and saw them several times a week) and I miss them more than I could have realised I would. I am god-mother to one of them and last time I visited she asked me what that meant. I told her it meant that if ever she needed someone, apart from her Mum and Dad, that I had agreed in front of lots of people to be the person who was there for her. That wherever I was, whatever I was doing, I would always always have space and time for her because I love her. To remember that she could tell me anything, because I will always want to help her and make sure she's ok. And that even though she was my god-daughter, the same went for her brother. And I know my friend feels the same about dd.
So the children are a little bit mine, not because I own them in any sense, but because I will never stop loving them and wanting to look out for them.
(Major thread hijack - sorry. Started this meaning it to be short but got side-tracked thinking about the kids and missing them a bit. Clearly tired and in need of my bed!!)

LoveHandles88 · 26/05/2012 23:38

I agree with Dropdeadfred.
Little things like that really bug me, whereas bigger things that would annoy most people, wash over easier from well meaning/caring people.
It angers me when my mil refers to herself accidentally as Mummy Angry but I have to take a deep breath each time and tell myself it's not on purpose and really is accidental (especially as it's her first gc, I guess she's only been mummy before, nanny is a first for her).

arthurfowlersallotment · 26/05/2012 23:51

My mil says 'my baby' and I admit it sets my teeth on edge.

Yanbu but just ignore it and pick your battles.

EchoBitch · 27/05/2012 01:16

Would you prefer that she says your baby.

' You look after the baby and don't ask me to babysit'.

Get over it and be glad she wants to help.

AgentZigzag · 27/05/2012 01:21

She could just use the baby's name I suppose Echo?

ThatVikRinA22 · 27/05/2012 01:26

my babies have never had anyone but me and my DH to give a shit. Neither of my children even know that grandparents exist. It many annoy you but is she a good granmother to your baby? is she a good mum to you? does she help out?

if she is a source of help and support then i think you should thank your luckies that you have that, and get over it.

me and dh have been married for 21 years and been parents for 20 of those - and the other day we went to the cinema on our own....for the first time since 1989. (the last film we went to see on our own was silence of the lambs)
this is because we have never had help with our children from any other living soul. DS, our eldest, is 20 and has SN, and our youngest is now 14. We are just getting some semblance of a life back, but its been a long time coming!
really - consider how lucky you are and how lucky your child is to have grandparents and cherish that is my advice.

NameChangeaGoGo · 27/05/2012 01:39

Clearly there must be something annoying in her manner.

RemembersButtonMoon · 27/05/2012 01:40

I can beat that.... my mum refers to my son as 'her baby' and my dad refers to him as 'his pudding'. I love that they are so taken by him.

When pushing his pushchair (which my mum insists on doing!) she will even smile when people compliment 'her baby', without correcting them.

It's very sweet!

kittyandthefontanelles · 27/05/2012 02:44

YABU

milkymocha · 27/05/2012 03:01

Going against the grain. My sister does the same and i always have a pang of annoyance Blush but then i am very precious (2 children, ill never change)

I am happy that she loves them so much though so wouldnt hurt her feelings by saying anything. God forbid when she has children, ill be 10 times worse.. Much longed for niece/nephew!

fridakahlo · 27/05/2012 03:32

I started a similar thread a couple of months ago, in regard to my sister and my mother referring to my dd and ds as 'my baby'.
The general consensus was that I was being unreasonable as it is just 'affection'.
To me it feels like a passive aggressive attempt at ownership of my children, probably because of issues from childhood.
Anyway I just grit my teeth and bear it, smiling on the outside.

ishopthereforeiam · 27/05/2012 04:07

Completely know what you mean,my PIL say our little princess / my angel ... mine say our baby / my darling baby etc and it does irk me but then I never bother to say anything as they're just being caring and I have bigger battles to fight (!)...

kittyandthefontanelles · 27/05/2012 05:27

What should they say then? What would make you happy?

HillyWallaby · 27/05/2012 05:45

I think she's saying it as a way of expressing to you how much she loves her. I'd be grateful for that if I were you, and get over yourself a little bit.

HillyWallaby · 27/05/2012 06:02

Right, so another thing to mark down on my spreadsheet of things not to say/do when I have grandchildren. I must say, the list is incredibly long, in fact it seems to include everything except 'give money' and 'babysit'.

God, I'm dreading being someone's grandmother or mother in law. Especially as I have only sons (3 of them) so I am bound to spend my life walking the wobbly tightrope of doom above a sea of bloodthirsty daughters in law, just waiting for me to inadvertently say/do the wrong thing, so I will be damned for all eternity and I'll never get the one that gets the Christmas Days and the cosy Sunday lunches.

HillyWallaby · 27/05/2012 06:03

never be the one, sorry

kittyandthefontanelles · 27/05/2012 06:21

Hilly, It's sad that you feel like that but it won't necessarily be the case. Take heart, we don't treat either of our parents like that. We indulge them indulging our daughter. I think it is a show of love. And my parents call my daughter "our xxxxx". Mind you, we ARE from the north west.

HillyWallaby · 27/05/2012 06:34

Oh don't worry I am only half joking. So far I have got on extremely well with my sons' girlfriends, but reading MN sometimes it is quite a depressing prospect. Being a MIL seems like an impossible task when some woman are so touchy and difficult to please and over-analyse and pick fault in every little thing other women do.

HappyAsASandboy · 27/05/2012 06:36

Sorry, I think YABU. Your baby is her baby too - he/she is a baby of the family, belonging to his/her family.

Just to add a biology perspective, you were born with your full complement of eggs, so your baby was kind of started by your mum anyway ....

McKayz · 27/05/2012 06:38

Hilly I'm the same. I have 2 boys only 5 and 3 but I am dreading being a MIL or a grandmother. On MN you're damned if you do help and damned if you don't.

HillyWallaby · 27/05/2012 06:40

Exactly. You are either a needy meddler or a distant aloof bitch.

redyam · 27/05/2012 06:45

Technically it is not 'your' baby either. You don't own him like a car or a computer. He/she is an independent human being that needs a guardian until they are old enough to look after themselves.

WhispersOfWickedness · 27/05/2012 07:01

I think it's one of those things that you just need to wash over you.
My mum referred to my 2.5yo DS as 'my gorgeous boy' the other week, and he replied 'I not your boy, I mummy's boy!' BlushGrin I hope my mum wasn't too offended!

FuckTheFuckOff · 27/05/2012 07:09

My DM calls both my 2 and my sisters 2 her babies! Drives my sister batty, me on the other hand couldn't give a crap.

She loves all 4 of them so much and I am just great full she is a better GP than she was a parent.

MrsMikePeasbody · 27/05/2012 07:15

Oh my MIL used to do this and I hated it! Now, though, I use it to my advantage, when recounting something monstrous one of the dc has done I say your grandson has done x, y and z.

You know you are being a bit unreasonable (I bet this is your first baby, it was with mine that I got so angry) but honestly when you get to realise how some other grandparents couldn't give a monkeys about their grandchildren you won't care if she calls your dd Jeff as long as she helps Wink

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