to ask if you smack your children?

[toofattorun]

I am not talking beating! Just a smack on the hand or bum when they are being very rude or naughty.

I don't much care for the theory or practice of smacking either, but nor am I won over by the naughty step or sending a child to their room, both of which seem to depend on causing the child psychological distress.

When dd drew on the wall, I threw away all her felt pens and didn't replace them. It was coloured pencils from then on.

It's not about doing damage oopsi. It's about not hitting people. I don't see how a smack that doesn't hurt is going to do anything- surely that's just a touch?

What I don't get is why people who smack need to justify smacking with so much bullshit. A smack and a hit are the same thing with a different name. A smack hurts, that's the point of a smack. A smack is usually done out of anger or frustration, it's not a measured form of discipline. Most people wouldn't smack in public, which means smacking is something they hide away in private. They either find other ways to discipline their children in public, or don't discipline them at all, either way it leads to inconsistent confusing discipline for the children.

It would be more honest if those who smack would say "I hit my child and I don't mind that it hurts them because sometimes they deserve it."

No

I don't smack and would never advocate smacking as a sanction. But, equally, it could be said to be more honest if some people who are so vocal about the evils of smacking would say "I don't smack because I prefer the psychological warfare approach", because some of the alternative sanctions seem to depend on emotional manipulation and mind games.

Absolutely not.

As a child my parents were huge disciplinarians. They used all sorts of thinks to hit me and my sister with. I would never want my child to feel that kind of fear.

IMO if you ahve to resort to smacking you have lost the argument.

I have never smacked my two and don't ever intend to, but have shouted at them when they've driven me to near my limit and I think maybe that's worse, somehow...?

We got occassional smacks from Mum as kids but I have and had absolutely no doubt of her love for us at all. I know that we only got smacks when we were being complete brats - I can understand it all with a lot more clarity now that I have kids. Plus, it was a common and widely used method of discipline in those days - just not frowned upon like it is now.

No, never smacked or hit.

I have had to physically restrain when they aren't getting ready (after telling them its time to get shoes on / brush their teeth or whatever and it's got to the point where we have had to get moving). There was one time I had to pick up my son as he was refusing to listen to me and as he was wriggling to get free, he knocked his leg or arm, I can't remember what, into a door frame. The look he gave me, complete fear and sadness, as I think he thought I'd done it on purpose. I'll always remember that look, upset me to the core.

I used to get a smack on the legs and whilst I don't think it harmed me, I still remember the fear and sadness when it happened. My mum used to use a 'threat' of a wooden spoon, I never had it but I remember the sound of her opening up the kitchen drawer when my sister was unruly once. Scary.

Once - I was heavily pg with DS and DD, 3.5 at the time, was refusing to get into the car. I had SPD and torn knee ligaments, so couldn't physically lift her in, especially when she was wilfully struggling so much. I had a hold of her hand and was trying to get her in the car, when she literally wriggled free and ran out in front of a car. Thank God, the car stopped! I admit I smacked her bum - out of shock, fright and to bloody well scare her into not doing it again. I was dropping her off at nursery at the time; I was in floods of tears when I got there and told them everything. The nursery manager was fab, she reassured me that I wasn't the world's worst mummy, which was exactly how I felt. I hated myself for reacting in such a way and I really do not advocate smacking. That said, she has never run out onto the road since.

Yes I do.

Every morning when they get up I wallop them one.

In case.

It learns em good.

And then I teach them that hitting is wrong.

And if they hit someone else I wallop em again for being naughty.

My DC were little in the 70's when smacking was acceptable. I used it maybe a couple of times in all. My preferred method of discipline was to turn my back on the child and pick up a book-withdraw all attention until child had calmed down-they hated being ignored. This is useless in a dangerous situation when my response was pick up and remove child while saying NO very firmly and continuing as often as needed.
The most effective was definitely the withdrawal method though and DD uses it with her DC now. They have never been smacked.

this mixed message thing is a bit bogus, imo. kids understand that there are bajillions of things that adults are allowed to do and kids aren't. it's not a mixed message to drive in front of them, they know they're not allowed to drive.

to the anti-smackers... why is it so okay to ignore the testimony of so many of us who know that it did us no harm whatsoever, that it wasn't a mixed message and that it didn't turn us into violent sociopaths?

i'm not ignoring those who were beaten by their parents with tools etc, that's not a smack.

I have never met a child who has ever done anything that i would consider deserving of being hit! What kind of things would make you hit a child? Hully is right!

The comparison with driving is a bit odd Aitch - hitting is not something that gets more acceptable as you get older, it's something you don't do at all as an adult if you're a normal, law abiding person. You learn to drive when you're old enough, the same isn't true of hitting.

I'm glad the people who were smacked weren't harmed. That doesn't change my mind, I still don't want to hit children.

hully, as usual, is being satirical to get a laugh. i was smacked (not very often, it didn't really come up as a thing to do) and i preferred it to my aunt's method of sending her kids to their rooms in massive disgrace and making a whole thing about a little bit of misbehaviour. one smack, one jolt out of the behaviour, time for apologies (inc one from my mum or dad) and a cuddle and it's over. i hate all that weird grudge-bearing stuff.

Driving is a learned skill that enables you to add something to your everyday life if you need to get from A to B. There is no comparison. My mum smacked us becasue she was frustrated and angry with her own life we all resent it and she regrets it massively and wishes someone had intervened.

The hit followed by a cuddle is even worse. Imagine if adults did that? Oh wait they do the DV threads are full of people who batter their partners and then apologise and shower them with love

For me Aitch, it's about the much bigger picture.

Apart from "monkey see, monkey do," as human beings we live in a world filled with astonishing horrendous outrageous violence. We watch violent films, we read violent books etc etc.

There is a theory that this is an inseparable, uneradicable part of the human psyche and it must find expression. But, there are people (eg Buddhists and Jains who live that way in a formalised fashion), and plenty of normal ordinary people, who manage to eschew all of it and conduct their lives with non-violence, peace and dignity.

I think this is something we shoudl all strive towards and the place to start is the home.

No, I was being satirical to make a point, not get a laugh.

it would be a bit odd, cailin, if it were a direct comparison. i was just using it as an illustration of one of the many, many things that children seem to know is okay for adults to do. if smacking kids is 'okay' then it's 'okay'. no-one's actually saying that smacking adults is.

anyway, like i say... time out, to me, is much more ghastly than a wee skelp on the arse. maybe not to your children, because they are used to it, but i would have hated my parents sending me away out of their sight because i was so bad.

And I don't agree with the view that the opposite to hitting is cold psychological warfare.

There are other ways.

I don't hit, or psychologically traumatise and nor do a lot of others.

I smack my son occasionally. Anyone who doesnt smack, good for you, but don't judge those that do. I have a brilliant close relationship with my son and am firmly of the belief that a smack here and there isn't going to do any harm. I was smacked as a child myself and have no long lasting damage whatsoever!

I could go down the terribly middle class way of parenting that seems to be the norm at the moment, what with 'telling' them 'nicely' to behave even if they are standing on tables in coffee shops and making a lot of noise, and seeing dreadful behaviour as 'spirited' and 'normal' .. but I choose a light smack as a last resort. And guess what. It works for me.

why can no one ever answer the q re what warrants being smacked?

If it worked you would do it once and the mere mention of it would be a deterrent. It is not middle class not to hit others

I have never hit my kids. (Ok, I did once. None of us have ever forgotten it)

I do not "tell them nicely" (code ineffectually)

They do not dance on tables or behave badly.