to ask if you smack your children?

[toofattorun]

I am not talking beating! Just a smack on the hand or bum when they are being very rude or naughty.

First three DSs got occasional smacks from me. DH smacked them infrequently but when he did it was far too hard and caused friction between us both. When DD was born much later,neither of us ever smacked her. Now,years later,I feel upset thinking that I smacked them,and I have to stop myself from hating DH when I dwell on it,which I do,often. I know he regrets it and we don't talk about it. Have to say,the boys have a very good relationship with DH,who is now a doting granddad...But my advice is,try not to do it.

Well, if smacking were such a terrible thing and people smack less now (and for the last 20 years or so) you would think you would observe some improvement in adult behaviour, things like a declining prison population etc.

Not noticed it personally.

I don't think I've put my point across terribly well either way tbh...

So if it makes no difference, Laz, why do it?

Extensive research inside jails larry?

Really.

Why so defensive? Smugness being challenged? Can research prison populations with a few clicks of a mouse, ditto other crime stats.

If smacking/ non-smacking is such a big deal, show me some evidence.

Now look, Laz had a moment's brief thought about it once, it was a Thursday, about two years ago, a bit rainy, but cleared up later.

That's enough for our Laz.

Altho now Laz will return brandishing the 400 scientific qualifications allegedly possessed.

If it's not such a big deal, why do it?

I think you're missing the point Larry

Its just the most ODD thing I've ever heard though.

I'm going to smack my children because I believe smacking is on the decline and the prison population has not decreased so therefore its all fine.

I don't generally feel smug no, but this might bring it on.

Maybe in years to come our prisons will be full of children who were made to sit on the naughty step. Maybe we will be able to do away with prisons altogether and just have big naughty steps for them.

Judge has put you on the naughty step because you did a murder, now you will SIT there for 35 years or until you can learn to say sawweeee.

FWIW larrygrylls - I have worked inside a prison and have actually discussed this matter with offenders as part of their parenting courses and their 1:1 interviews, when discussing their background and their current family lives. In my experience - I worked there for 3 years doing the same job - almost every offender HAS been smacked as a child, often regularly and often rather harshly. And almost all say that they do hit their own children, or expect that they would do when they have them. On the parenting courses they were obviously given alternative methods to try and the course was swayed towards them not hitting children.

a lot of people I meet admit to smacking their children and a lot say to me 'it's ok to smack your child you know'. my two DSs are awfully badly behaved and I suspect a lot of them actually want me to smack them or at least be harsher with them in public. I am a very strict parent, but it's very hard to control 1 ADHD child and a toddler who is now also showing signs of it. So I'm normally that 'bad parent' you see in the shop, on the street etc. tearing my hair out and close to tears.

I used to smack DS1 occassionally as I was at breaking point, frustrated and felt completely helpless, Why won't he stop/behave/listen..??! Why is ho so annoying, breaks everything, does dangerous things etc. It turns out we now know that he could potentially have ADHD(found out early this year), so we've now completely stopped all smacking (loooong story).

There are points to my long sob story :) :

1. A lot of RL people do smack children. But suspect they won't post in here as there seems to be a lot of condemnation of it.

1. People who smack/shout at their children a lot, check and see if there isn't actually an underlying 'medical condition'. IYSWIM.

Despite all that, I am still not against smacking and would not condemn anyone who smacks their children.. if done correctly (very subjective I know).

People who say "We don't do it to adults.. why do it to our children" - it's because we also didn't carry those adults in our womb, or give birth to them, breastfed them, wiped shite off their arses, or have an obligation to bring them up(their parents should've done that when they were little), teach them and look after them which we do need to do for our children. Not saying that smacking is the way to go, but that your argument is flawed - just because you don't do it to others, doesn't mean you don't do it to your children.

oh gosh, sorry just noticed I'm interfering with prison discussions. 'scuuuuzee me!

I don't smack, but was smacked myself as a child, all of my siblings are fine with a good relationship with dm too, all 6 of us. I would never allow her to smack my children though nor would my db's or ds's allow it either.

Truth is there is not another way to discipline a child quickly & effectivly so they know it was wrong and wouldn't do the same thing again. You were bad, you got a smack, you moved on knowing better for next time.
Im talking the type of behaviour like biting others, throwing stones, swearing etc that i or siblings were smacked for.
And I say this as someone who has never had to smack my children, but my children are generally easy going. I wouldn't judge if it was a single smack, there is a difference between that and a beating obviously.

Ah, sorry. I didn't know that others can comment on us non-smackers and call us smug and say we are damaging our children in other ways psychologically, even though it has been pointed out we don't use those types of discipline but yet we can't comment on your views without, yet again, being called smug.

And on that note, I am off to collect my "damaged" son from school. You know, the one which the teacher has actually said "It is such a joy to have in my class. He is such a well behaved and well mannered little boy. If only I could say that about most of the class...giggle "

But yes, obviously she has no idea what she is on about and he is in fact damaged.

It all depends on what warrants a smack I think. Everyone is different. My sister, brother and I have all been smacked, but only once or twice for outrageous things.

I think if you feel the need to smack your children then it should not be in anger. If your angry then its you reacting to what they have done not teaching what is right and wrong. If you feel bad after then you have reacted negativelty to what they have done, not actualy smacked them to teach them that it is wrong. (if that makes sense)

BoysWillGrow, you say:

'Truth is there is not another way to discipline a child quickly & effectivly so they know it was wrong and wouldn't do the same thing again. You were bad, you got a smack, you moved on knowing better for next time.'

Do you really think that when a child gets smacked, they never repeat the think they've done wrong? If so, why do pro-smackers have to keep on smacking their children? Surely if that was true, you'd cover all the possible options of bad behaviour fairly quickly, then no more smacking needed.

If smacking/ non-smacking is such a big deal, show me some evidence.

If you insist:

Children who are smacked have a higher 'anti-social behaviour index' than unsmacked children. Leach P The Physical Punishment of Children: Some Input from Recent Research (London: NSPCC 1999)

A ban on smacking significantly reduces the number of child deaths at the the hands of their parents in 'disciplinary' incidents. Durrant JA A Generation Without Smacking: The Impact of Sweden's Ban on Physical Punishment (London: Save the Children 2000)

No. We don't hit in this house.
1-2-3 Magic: child gets 2 clear warnings about stopping unwanted behaviour, and then consequences ensure. These can be removing child from situation and dumping somewhere to calm down (not a Naughty Step here, just another place which is safe). Removing me from the situation so he no longer has me to rile him up with, etc. Never pleading, never reasoning. We are the grownups, we don't need his approval to parent him. And we never hit. Nor smack, spank, tap, whatever it's called. I don't want him thinking it's ok to hit people smaller than him, it's my job to model good behaviour.

We are considered pretty strict, insistent on please and thank you, nudging him gently towards sharing, and DS is big for his age so I am constantly reminding him to be gentle with others. That said, he has a total meltdown over nothing quite often. Sometimes he'll scream and rage and weep real tears in response to "DS, do you want some apple?" - this morning he staged a 2 minute medley of my greatest tantrum faves because I offered him cereal and he requested a hot dog, which I then refused. The way I see it, if he's having a screaming meltdown over being unable to eat a certain food for breakfast, my job is to calm the situation down, not inflame it further by hurting him. If I'd smacked his legs at that point, he would have screamed harder and for longer. By picking up the cereal and walking into another room with it, then sitting down with a story, by the time he'd followed me from the kitchen to the sofa, he wanted to sit on my knee and read the story, and then eat his breakfast.

It's not psychological warfare exactly, is it?

I'd never claim I haven't wanted to give him a good smack when he's being difficult. I'm not smug, I'm not perfect, and he can be a nightmare and it's bloody hard work. But smacking would (1) teach him something I don't want him to learn (mummy hits to get her own way, but only people smaller than her), (2) not actually make me feel better, (3) probably cause DH to leave me and take DS with him and (4) make whatever tantrum/bad behaviour situation we're in, worse.

So why bother?
yes, I was smacked as a child - and shouted at - and no, I'm not miserably damaged by it. But I do remember one incident when I was about 5 or 6 thinking "you big bully. Why is it ok for you to hit me and not me to hit you?" It did make me respect my mother less. I'm trying to model the kind of behaviour I want DS to use, and 'if you're at the end of your rope, hitting is ok' is NOT the kind of thing I want him doing .

Even if I feel like it sometimes, there are other, more effective ways of dealing with bad behaviour.

Never did, and since they are bigger than me it's a bit late to start. I feel quite uncomfortable with the idea of a father doing it to be quite honest. It doesn't seem right. I don't feel the same about a mother. My mum used to smack me very occasionally when I was small. I felt temporarily unhappy chastised about it but not traumatised. As far as I know it didn't do me any harm but maybe others should be the judge of that ...

I've never hit/smacked anyone in my life, I'm not about to start now.

I was smacked as a child (very occasionally) and it had no ill effect on me at all or on my relationship with my parents, but I've never felt the need to do it.

No never, why would I want to hit my child? Don't get it!

egg I don't claim to have the answer, I just know if a child for example ran into a road or something after being told, a smack would probably shock them to not do it again.
Prolific smackers I reckon will smack for any small offense anyway, there will always be something theyd give a smack for.

I hit my DS once. He was about 3 years old and was having tantrum in the bath. He wanted to get out as soon as I put him in and he whacked me hard round the face. I smacked his hand. I then cried and so did my daughter (aged 5). My DS now aged 22 cannot remember it but my daughter can. She claims she was traumatised but I think she is drama queen. I don't think smacking is the way to go but equally I don't think you can ruin a child's life by a little smack alone. In fact I think what you say can do more harm sometimes.