to have expected my dh to do this without complaining?

[Breeks]

I am a SAHM and I don't drive.
Dh works full time and does.

It was parents evening tonight and my appointment was for 7. The school is a mile and a half away - I walk to and fom the school twice a day (with three children) as it is. We were cutting it fine for making it on time as we were still eating dinner at 6.30.

I said to dh he might have to give me a lift to the school, and he reacted quite badly to this, saying he was fed up with driving today, and pretty much (to my mind) behaving as if I'd asked him to saw off a leg.

We had words, as I was totally pissed off at his unhelpfulness, and in the end rather than have the hassle, I walked on foot quickly.

He thinks he should be allowed to say no. I think he should have been happy to help.

I am back home and the silence is deafening.

Who is BU?

I think its more worrying that he never goes to his childrens parents evening, never mind the lift!

Agree CPtart. He doesn't want to go, and doesn't want to help his wife to go.

This has nothing to do with learning to drive - as the dp is a twit and could well have said oh you cant use the car. Then the thread would be about buying your own car - I think not

You dp needs to get his priorities right

I am a SAHP and I can drive, but we don't have a car. I "get" the arguement that I've walked to school (with kids) X times a day, and a lift would be quicker.

But presumably you had to put the kids into the car, assuming they had finished eating etc - not a quick process for our family. I would have thought eating your dinner ASAP, bolting out the door and leaving him to make sure the kids finish eating, clear plates etc, start bedtime routine (bath, stories etc) would be the best option.

I also find it really irritating when posters just bleat on about "You should learn to drive"

Okay, give me £200 a month for insurance then and I'll get straight on it. It's not the lessons that are the problem.

DP can be a bit stingy with lifts as well. I understand why he says no - unnecessary petrol costs plus fed up of driving etc, but it annoys me if he won't e.g. pick me up from a friend's house which would take 2 minutes in the car but 30 minutes to walk with a tired 3 year old/fricking £1.50 on the bus, which only actually cuts out 2/3 of the journey. Or drive to the supermarket when I want something on a whim, since I know he'd drive himself there if he wanted something.

Okay, that's probably unfair since there have been times he hasn't been bothered to drive for himself, and times where he's gone and got me stuff when he didn't want anything, and he does pick us up if there's a genuine reason it's a pain to walk.

It is annoying, though. It's not my fault he happened to have driving lessons funded by his parents when he was a teenager and I didn't, it's just the way it's worked out. If neither of us could drive and he therefore had a closer job, I might well have been the one to learn.

AIBU not to care anymore about the bloody non lift but instead find myself wondering if OP is slim and toned to hell walking 6 miles a day?!

I drive; DH cannot. He has tried to learn but failed 6 tests. We are saving for more lessons but as he works away from home it's incredibly hard to even begin scheduling them. It IS inconvenient. DH missed DD2's birth because he could not drive (and did not think to jump in a taxi with DD1 once the ambulance left with me ).

This notwithstanding, I have never, ever considered denying him a lift anywhere - he only asks if absolutely necessary (like you) and I would consider it massively rude and selfish of me to say no without a very good reason. Having already driven around a lot that day is NOT a good reason unless you are at the point of being a danger to yourself and other road users due to exhaustion. It doesn't sound like this was the case with your DH

Hello again.
May I just clear up a couple of things?
I can't drive because we've never had the spare cash for a regular £25 per week on lessons - more (£50+) if I wanted more than one lesson. The money just isn't available. Even if I did learn to drive, we couldn't afford the insurance, so that's that. We are poor. We scrape by, and I'm not going to complain because we are fortunate in other ways, but at this moment in time, while I still have one pre school (nursery) dc, and I'm unable to work (couldn't earn enough to support childcare as well), it's just not going to happen.
When ds2 is in school, then I will work and I will finally learn to drive.

It's all fairly simple and beyond my control atm, and that's where I feel dh needs to step in. I'm not a bossy person and I reckon my manners are pretty good. I didn't think I did anything wrong.

Secondly - my dh isn't an unfeeling shit that can't be arsed to go to parents evening. I always take an evening slot so he is there to watch the kids. We did that in the first place because we had a school age dc and a baby at the same time. It was easier, and now it's just our way. Dh always wants to hear all about what was said. He has never struck me as being disinterested. If I asked him to come along, he would. It has never occurred to me to do so.

I think there's something to be said for asking nicely in future...but you know, he doesn't have to ask nicely for a lot of things I do for him. I wasn't rude, he was.
He came round to my way of thinking in the end and apologised.

Finito.

Fair enough OP. Glad it's sorted.

Yep, fair enough OP if he is actually interested.

The only time I gob off about giving lifts, is when DP will text saying something like "Forgot to tell you, got footie tonight. And also ~~~~ is coming so make sure dinner is early so you can pick him up" type thing. It would mean a 30 mile round trip, which both could easily catch the bus. Most of the time, I do do it. But when he is telling me I am doing it rather than ask, "Are you off round to ~~~~ tonight? If not, would you mind going picking friend up and dropping us off?" instead, plans have already been made and friend been told I will be there at x time. Meaning if I did have plans to go see my best friend, who lives a 30 minute drive away so don't get to see her a lot (not mentioning the fact that she is the only person I really know/see as all my family and friends live 120 miles away from me so I do like to have the chance to have a chat with another adult every now and then face to face, whilst DP has most of his friends and family living within a 10 mile radius), I have to cancel. I don't mind if I was asked if I would mind, but the fact I am told in this situation, bugs the living daylights out of me. It is inconsiderate. Just because I drive, doesn't mean I can be taken for granted (unless it is important/for the DC etc, then I don't think twice. Not that I do 98% of the time anyway, it is a given that I will try make things as easy for DC/DP as I can. Even if it meant driving 12 hours straight)

Learn to drive, or get a bike - IMO its irresponsible these days, and with kids, to not be able to move faster than walking pace without relying on others.

That's one of the funniest things I've heard in a while. I drive , dh doesn't but we don't have a car at the moment because quite frankly we don't need one. We walk pretty much everywhere or otherwise use public transport and on occasion will hire a car if we want to go further afield.

I'd really like to hear your explanation of how it's irresponsible.

And OP, glad its all sorted, it sounded like he was just in a shitty mood and has come round now.

That's one of the funniest things I've heard in a while. I drive , dh doesn't but we don't have a car at the moment because quite frankly we don't need one. We walk pretty much everywhere or otherwise use public transport and on occasion will hire a car if we want to go further afield

You can get away without a car in a major city, but outside that you will waste huge amounts of your and others' time without a car.

Whatmeworry - you are wrong.

I live in a small town - I manage quite well, without wasting anyone's time. I coincide trips to a larger town for when either my dad or my dh needs to go there anyway. I order a lot of things online and dh and I do whatever we need to do at the weekends. We'll often pop into the shops on the way to or from somewhere else. It really is no big deal.

Of course it would be much nicer if I could drive, but it would cost us so much for me to learn and to run a car, that it would impact on the other things my family needs.

You can get away without a car in a major city, but outside that you will waste huge amounts of your and others' time without a car.

Utter rubbish.

Should have called a black cab and let him pay for it!

Whatmeworry, not everyone has a good enough wage/s coming in to pay for two lots of cars/insurance etc. Running a car is not cheap. In the slightest. If it comes to learning to drive/running another car to being able to feed her family, yes, I can really see how not learning to drive is the irresponsible option indeed

Blimey, the way some people ae going on you would think cars are as rare as hens teeth in the UK, and cost the best part of a lifetime's wage to run. Wise up, a car is often cheaper than the public transport alternatives and a damn site more efficient.

It's not cheaper than using my legs.

Let them eat cake, eh whatmeworry?

Let them eat cake, eh whatmeworry?

OP, in your case you have a car already so its just the marginal cost of learning to drive. And my father taught me, so you don't need to splash out for lessons.

I know tht the op and her dh have sorted this out, so this is a general comment. Parents evening is a joint priority, whether you both go or not. If you make the decision as a couple that only 1 of you will go its still a joint responsibility to make that happen.

It's a company car and I'm not allowed or insured to drive it until I pass my test.
In order for dh to teach me to drive, we'd need to buy a car of our own. Which brings me back to my original point of not having any money.

Anything to add?

Whatme (can't believe we're doing a "why doesn't everyone drive?" thread AGAIN) but:

Lessons cost around £20-£25 per hour. Two hour lessons are recommended. An average of 47 hours paid instruction =£940-1175 (in addition to 20 hours practice)
Theory test-£31
driving practical test- £62 to £75 pounds

Total cost £1033 to £1281.

THEN add cost of car tax and insurance which can vary wildly.

That's IF 47 hours is enough. 150 and 2 tests wasn't enough for me so I gave up before we bankrupted ourselves.

Often cost is a very valid reason not to drive.

I think it comes down to how you spoke to him, not what you needed. His is being, forgive me, a knob in not helping you with what would be a 5min job. However, "seeing as i'm running late, would you mind nipping me up to the School?" would probably have gleaned better result.

I agree with you OP that is really isn't as simple as learning to drive. Running two cars is expensive and even if you share cars, you'd only be able to use it evenings and weekends which then makes the cost of learning to drive excessive in terms of cost per use. My DH doesn't drive.

There are a couple of things I want to add, though. (1) I find it odd that your DH does not go to Parent's Evenings with you. Unless there is literally no-one to mind the DCs while you both go, he should be making every effort to show he cares about his children's education and their performance and behaviour at school (2) if he is of the mindset of demanding things from you, be it housework, ironed shirts etc, now could well be the time to use what you did as an example of how it is not nice to speak to your OH in a demanding manner. Ps & Qs go a long way. I'd go so far as to suggest that you simply 'down tools' each time he demands from you.

You are either bloody lucky to have found an amazing secret company who offer such low insurance or really don't have a clue. Because of my age, and the fact I don't have off road parking, and only been driving 3 years, my insurance is just over one and a half grand a year. Then it is over £100 a year to tax, then £40 a year for MOT, and that is before the petrol gets put in and anything needing to be fixed to keep the shit heap on the road. I seriously can not see anyone spending £3000 ish on public transport a year. Especially with these term passes you can get for £60 a month