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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have expected my dh to do this without complaining?

129 replies

Breeks · 22/05/2012 20:50

I am a SAHM and I don't drive.
Dh works full time and does.

It was parents evening tonight and my appointment was for 7. The school is a mile and a half away - I walk to and fom the school twice a day (with three children) as it is. We were cutting it fine for making it on time as we were still eating dinner at 6.30.

I said to dh he might have to give me a lift to the school, and he reacted quite badly to this, saying he was fed up with driving today, and pretty much (to my mind) behaving as if I'd asked him to saw off a leg.

We had words, as I was totally pissed off at his unhelpfulness, and in the end rather than have the hassle, I walked on foot quickly.

He thinks he should be allowed to say no. I think he should have been happy to help.

I am back home and the silence is deafening.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
YouOldSlag · 23/05/2012 10:08

Stop it with the "OP you need to drive" stuff! The OP wants to but can't afford it. There's your reason, stop saying it!

OP, I'm glad your DH has conceded he was an arse. I hope he won't do it again. After all, we don't all have the luxury of an "Agenda"- it's usually hard slog whether we like it or not!

Also, he might be tired after work, but your day is far from over. He needs to realise that.

Triggles · 23/05/2012 11:27

Actually, I disagree with this. You've already said he stays home to watch the children while you go to parents evening. Why in God's name should he have to load the kids in the car, drive you a mile and a half, then drive home, unload the kids again back into the house and settle them?

Wouldn't it be ever so much easier for you to be better organised and feed the children early (and either eat early with the children or later with your DH), so you then have time to walk up to the school while DH settles the children for the evening? Or if you don't want to do that, then have DH go to parents evening and you stay home and settle the children.

Clytaemnestra · 23/05/2012 12:00

"As I said- partners don't give each other "lifts"

It's outrqgeous that the op even had to ask- he should have just assumed he was taking her."

I give my DH lifts. He doesn't drive. I'm not a taxi service. If it was something for DD I would do it, if it was something to do with his work, while I don't mind picking up if he has heavy boxes to bring back or whatever if it was his fault he was running late so couldn't get the bus or whatever, I would do it with slightly bad grace, and if he was going into town to go out, he can get a taxi.

IAmNotACowbag · 23/05/2012 12:30

I can't imagine not helping my DH if he asked just coz I am a grumpy arse.

YouOldSlag · 23/05/2012 18:36

Triggles- the OP had already walked six miles to fetch the kids that day. By not giving her a lift she has walked NINE miles. Compared to the inconvenience of her DH having to put the kids in and out of the car, I don't think a lift was too much to ask!

Triggles · 23/05/2012 18:41

Then why didn't she coordinate with her DH earlier in the week and arrange for him to do the parents night this time, and she could stay home with the children?

Sorry, but she should organise things ahead of time, to avoid last minute things like this. And I've walked back and forth numerous times during the day dragging kids on school runs and then walked somewhere in the evening if need be. That's life. What would she have done if he didn't drive either? If they didn't have a car? She would have had to be better organised and walked it if need be.

I don't agree that it's his fault that she didn't organise things better or plan ahead. And I wouldn't ask my DH to drive me somewhere in the evening where the children are disrupted like that. I'd rather walk it and let them settle at home.

AllYoursBabooshka · 23/05/2012 18:48

Because that's life, Sometimes it doesn't go to plan. It's the job of a good, loving partner to understand these minor inconveniences and choose their battles.

This was not a big deal until he turned it into one.

Fireandashes · 23/05/2012 18:57

Good to see the OP & her DH have agreed that he was an arse, and hopefully it'll all run smoother at the next PE.

Have to say though, unlike some posters on this thread I don't think there's anything wrong in asking a partner politely for something, rather than telling/assuming. If I were asking a shop assistant for help I would be polite, if I asked a random stranger in the street for directions I would be polite, if I asked a friend to pass me something at the meal table I would be polite - so why should the person I love most be excluded from the basic courtesy I extend to everyone else?

Triggles · 23/05/2012 18:58

Doesn't go to plan? She knew about the parents night in advance.

It's also the job of a good loving partner to not expect the other one to drop everything because you're too harebrained to be organised as well. And a good loving parent not to drag the children everywhere at night when they should be settling down.

Besides, she would have had to walk home anyway... or was she expecting him to wait until she was done as well?

Buckingfiatch · 23/05/2012 19:08

She only wanted a lift there as she was running late. Not everyones plans go as easy as yours appears to. What if you are at an appointment which they are running late with? That could majorly mess plans up. You must be so lucky to never have these problems...

And he wasn't expected to "drop everything", he would only of been sat on his arse anyway.

And for crying out loud, putting children in a car, unless a tiny baby, is NOT that difficult. Takes me to get two in the car no longer than 10 seconds.

She was running late, more than likely through no fault of her own. How dare she want a lift to make sure she gets to PE in time and not miss out on hearing about their DC all whilst he sits on his arse relaxing. When you're with someone, it's a PARTNERSHIP. Clue is in the word. You work together to make things work, which does not include being a selfish arse thinking only of yourself.

AllYoursBabooshka · 23/05/2012 19:10

We were cutting it fine for making it on time as we were still eating dinner at 6.30.

Seems like things weren't going to plan. He hardly "dropped everything" it was a short car ride to help his wife out, Oh and she was being a loving parent by wanting to get to the P&T meeting on time to discuss their childrens education. He on the other hand didn't even bother to ask how it went.

I can't believe how dramatic people can be over nothing!

Triggles · 23/05/2012 19:26
kerala · 23/05/2012 19:27

I'm surprised at number of people with no childcare so either one misses parents evening or you have to drag the kids there. We pal up with another family and babysit while they go and they return the favour. Much easier all round.

CurrySpice · 23/05/2012 19:28

So instead of her dh being a lazy arse, you're happy to describe the op as being harebrained and not loving her kids.

Right Hmm

BelieveInPink · 23/05/2012 19:35

Learn to drive or LEAVE THE BASTARD. :o

My DH is very selfless but he drives for hours and hours and sometimes when he walks in the house and I immediately ask him to go back out and get some milk he pulls a huffy face. I would too in the same circumstances. He goes, but he goes under duress. If I told him rather than asking he wouldn't take kindly either. And vice versa.

AkhalTeke · 23/05/2012 20:35

Hmm. It's not just the drive, it's bundling x number of kids in and out of the car that is a pain.

Just to be devil's advocate, sometimes teenage DD rings me and asks for a lift home from school, 1.5 miles away. sometimes I go get her, but sometimes I am rushed, or busy, or little ones are having fun I don't want to interrupt, and I say no, sorry, you're walking today. Appreciate a spouse is different to a child, though.

Whatmeworry · 23/05/2012 20:50

Learn to drive, or get a bike - IMO its irresponsible these days, and with kids, to not be able to move faster than walking pace without relying on others.

Original poster
Breeks · 23/05/2012 21:35

I can only apologise for my irresponsibility, harebrainedness and lack of love for my children now. Grin

OP posts:
Triggles · 23/05/2012 22:26

Well, at least you have a good sense of humour, eh? Grin That's what gets us through it all.

YouOldSlag · 24/05/2012 09:08

IMO its irresponsible these days, and with kids, to not be able to move faster than walking pace without relying on others.- not this again!

FGS it's not a crime not to drive or ride a bike. Such old ground!

fedupofnamechanging · 24/05/2012 18:37

What's irresponsible, is spending money you don't have, on unnecessary driving lessons, when your spouse is perfectly capable of taking you.

Sure, in an ideal world, we would all be able to drive and more importantly, be able to buy/run/maintain a car without eating into the mortgage/food budget, but that isn't possible for some people.

Also some of us would make really crappy drivers and it would be irresponsible to be on the roads.

janelikesjam · 24/05/2012 18:42

Haven't read the whole thread, I can hear what OldSlag say, but its really worth learning to drive OP ... just offering encouragement here ...

YouOldSlag · 24/05/2012 19:07

Oh the frustration! OP wants to drive but can't afford it- telling her she should will achieve nothing if the money isn't in the old bank account!

EverybodysSleepyEyed · 24/05/2012 20:31

The thing is, I don't want unsafe drivers on the road! I think it is unfair to tell people they are irresponsible if they can't drive.

I can't drive. It's not that I won't, I just can't. I am far too cautious and risk averse. I have tried really hard and failed a few tests. I'm sure I will try again but I don't want to pass unless I am safe!!

hatesponge · 24/05/2012 20:45

Bollocks is it irresponsible parenting not to be able to drive! Go back 50 years or so and most people either didn't drive or didn't own cars - or both. Oddly they managed to raise children fairly well in spite of this...

It's helpful to be able to drive. But if you can't afford it, can't for medical reasons, or just plain don't want to, then you don't, and that's all there is to it.

and bollocks to all this asking nicely. Does he ask nicely for his dinner to be cooked, washing done etc? Doubtful! My Ex (he drove, I didn't) always behaved like a total prick about driving me - or indeed our DC - anywhere. Used to expect me to ask 'nicely' for a lift (like he was doing me a favour) and often would refuse to take me anywhere unless I behaved myself Hmm. Despite the fact I paid for the car. I walk everywhere now, and the only thing I'm sad about is not being able to go to Bluewater and Ikea Grin