To tell these people that DD doesn't want to go to the B'day party?

[complexo]

So, we were invited to this B'day party tomorrow and DD doesn't want to go...I have already confirmed attendance and I don't want to use a lame excuse...or should I?
They are not best friends, but they are a very nice couple and always invite us to their childrens b'days, christening and etc, I met the woman during a course, and we do bump into each other ocasionally as we live near. Their children are younger than mine, my daughter enjoyed playing with them at the beggining but it has been a long time and she lost interest.
Also DH is palnning for us to go for a meal I thought I could pop in on the way just to wish happy birthday and leave a gift, but now with daughter not going he won't be happy to do it either, as he doesn't know them and is not ery keen on socials outside family...

I am lovely. I wouldn't accept a party invitation then whine abuout it/consider allowing my child to go, behave like a rotter and leave when they feel like it just because I CBA to go.

If necessary. Everything could be handled really well and smoothly with no one put out or upset if you could be bothered.
Why don't you and dh have a lovely lunch while dd is at the party?

You'd end up with cold roasties, Bups.

Oh interesting thread. I had to let another parent know that my dd wouldn't be attending a birthday party today (after I accepted the invite earlier in the week).

Dd is not overly shy, but got into trouble at school on Fri for drawing on classroom carpet during PTA meeting on Thurs - not an issue, she shouldn't have done it and is old enough to know better. However, we had tears on Fri night and Sat morning as she doesn't want to go back to school ever

I expect the OP has to be at the party in case Little Princess wants to leave.

And it sounds as though the whole family is invited.

I expect ops gone to bed. Busy day tomorrow!

Hi I forgot to mention DD didn't want to go to the cinema this morning so she is certainly going through a weirs phase. The birthday is for a 1 year old baby who my daughter saw as new born on his brother 3rd birthday 7 months ago. So I don't think I would let the child down but the parents only...and if maybe even not as there are always lots of friends and family of theirs there. Anyway. I will get up tomorrow and go buy the present coz I'm such an awful person I haven't bought it yet. Than if daughter really doesn't want to go I will go myself, catch up, eat, hold the baby and tell them the Truth. I might use the argument that how would daughter feel if no one turned up to her party to see if she learn something but I won't certainly force. Awful Parenting??? Well maybe but ok in my books. I wasn't given the option to live her there and Husband's intention is us to go have lunch with daughter not with me only. By the Way, he works 14 hours a day and I work 10 hours a day, 5 days a week, I'm afraid out time together is limitated.

And thank you Santa for your useful posts. I have now another genuine question about B'day Parties: say your child do swimming lessons every Saturday afternoon and you are not able to change the day, no places available. Than your child is invited to a party at the same time, would you choose party or swimming lesson? If you choose swimming lesson would you tell the host the reasons for not attending the party? Why and why not? Thanks.

Complexo - people are nuts. Mostly lovely but often nuts.

You have been absolutely boxed into a corner here and ANYTHING you say will be used as further evidence that you/your husbsnd/5yo child is/are unreasonable (to pu it mildly).

Theres no point in trying to explain yourself any more. Rest assured that most non-nuts people, those who havent got caught up in the thrill of the aibu kill, will read this and think the reaction to you here is bizarre.

And i say this as someobe who thinks that yes, once you have accepted an invitation on their behalf a 5yo does not get to veto it because they dont much feel lke going.

Oh and to everyone else....youre all fucking nuts!

And I will sure be accused of drip feeding too, you have to think about every single stone people will throw at you and than write a long insane post. And apologise for it being so long....

And I will sure be accused of drip feeding too, you have to think about every single stone people will throw at you and than write a long insane post. And apologise for it being so long....

complex, regarding the swim lesson/party clash, personally, I'd decline the party with regrets, explaining my child has a swim class. I'm sure any reasonable person would understand, perhaps even tell you you are welcome to drop by after the lesson if you like.
Regarding your OP, well, you already decided to make dd go, and that is the right thing to do since you accepted. Hope she has a nice time.

I don't think she's decided to make her daughter go, but she says she'll go herself.

I don't think posters are throwing stones; it is simply the case that, no matter how you dress it up, many posters here think what you propose to do is rude.

You aren't going to soften that by wriggling. You clearly don't think it's rude, but that won't change the weight of opinion on this thread. Yes, you are that mother who accepts an invitation then doesn't follow through. An adult dropping in with a present is no substitute for the invited child's presence, and no amount of self-justification on your part will change this.

Re: party when there is a pre-existing paid class:simply choose between them. Acccept, and warn class teacher; or decline on grounds of previous engagement. The trouble is, you then need to stick to the choice, and given this thread, that might be a little tricky for you.

At 5 I did let my kids decide whether or not they wanted to go to parties.
Having said that I wouldn't have agreed to go without discussing it with the child and I think this is where you have gone wrong here. There does come an age when kids stop wanting to mix with younger kids as much.
I would have just said "thanks for the invite, I'll phone you back and let you know tomorrow"
I think if you'd accepted and then asked your daughter you still could have phoned up and made an excuse if it was within 24 hours of you accepting.
It's the cancelling at the last minute bit I'm not keen on.
A sulky 5 year old isn't going to enhance a party though and if there will be loads of other people you could cancel. I'd maybe phone up and chat to the mum and say your daughter is in a stroppy mood and you doubt she'll enhance the party and find out if there are many going. As the birthday child is only 1 it isn't really a birthday party anyway, more just a gathering. I suspect there will be more relatives there than anything. My kids never went to parties where I had to hang around with them, parties didn't start until primary school.

OP, I do think it is rude for your DD not to go after you accepting the invite. Obviously you will do what you want to do. But be aware, that when people behave this way, the invites they do get, usually become much rarer.

I know if I was the mother I would think twice before inviting you and your DD again as I would want to avoid the nightmare I have read about on here of lots of parents accepting invites and then making excuses at the last minute.

Invitation accepted = child goes
Lesson/part clash = polite refusal when invitation issued.

Easy.,

You don't have to accept every invitation. I allow my DCs to have choices, but want them to know that they have to stick by them once made. Explain 'oh look, X's baby brother is having a party. Shall we go?' If you see then that she's grumpy about it, perhaps it's the signal to decline the invite politely. Or say that DD can't make it, but you'd love to pop by with a present and to have a cuddle with the birthday boy.

Declining an invite politely in good time for whatever reason you choose is fine IMO.

Backing out at the last minute is rude. Everyone wants their kids to have friends/be popular/have a good time on their birthday. I would be really upset if I thought several people would be coming only to find them dropping off one by one. Okay, in this instance the birthday child is very young, but still I think the principle is the same. (disclaimer for the poster who said that they pulled their child from a party as a punishment. I agree, at times you have to stick to your guns in such situations, and if I was the host parent I would understand that if explained to me)

OP, I'm not saying this as an attack, but just wonder have you yet hosted a party for your DD. Perhaps you can empathise a little with how your friend would feel?

First of all, the question regarding the swimming lesson/ party clash has nothing to do with the OP and I can see the difference for myself. Secondly they don't expect husband to go as they don't even know him, never saw him and know husband doesn't like to socialise. Yes she made extra food for one adult (me) and one 5 year old. Yes, I know I screwed not consulting daughter if she wanted to go and also not telling husband immediately that I had a commitment for Sunday, so he made a plan to go out and I agreed before remembering about the party. I have been there to other of their parties and I know that there are loads of people, close friends and family, as someone said above is more a gathering than a party. I accepted I will go with a smile. Daughter is still not convinced , I will not force her to go and I decided not to bribe either. I will respect. Call me (or her) rude, brat, awful, selfish, whatever do you want. I will go with a gift and smile, be pleasant, explain that as usual husband doesn't want to socialise and Daughter is in a funny mood and doesn't want to come and this is it, is the truth, maybe it is rude, and if they are hurt by this I'm really sorry I will say they are at home with a bad cold so the hosts won't think there is anything wrong with them, even though I don't like lies. But tbh I suspect they will appreciate my honesty. If they don't, well this just come to show that we shouldn't be friend anyway. I will not cause a conflict with daughter and husband over this. Every family is different and do things differently..and it is ok to make mistakes, that is how we learn. Not accepting invitations whit out consulting daughter. Long gone are the days when I could chose her outfits and taking her whenever on the buggy.

re the swimming lesson. I never let my kids have stuff on on a weekend until they were at secondary school, partly because their father and I are divorced so they aren't in the same town every weekend, and partly because parties, visiting people, our sporting events (parents are allowed social lives too) happen at weekends. If 1 of them had been particularly gifted at a weekend only thing we probably would have incorporated this.
Swimming lessons only got missed for illness and very special occasions. so best friend's birthday party miss swimming, party of little kid we occasionally socialise with send apologies.
A birthday invite is just an invite. It's OK to say no.

Yes I have hosted parties for DD, payed for their place at big soft play, wasted money and they even bothered to call me to say they were not coming. It didn't destroy our lives and we survived. Obviously never invited same person again. Last party I invited only few best friends and parents knew it was a very small personalise party for my daughter as well for the guests but they were all very close friends and if they didn't come at last minute I would probably understand there was a strong reason behind it. As long as people let me know in advance I'm fine. Not showing up whit out an explanation is bad.

Errr, my dc just had a b'day party. A few children invited. As usual, you have people who said they were coming who don't, people who didn't say anything who actually come and we also had a child who said he was coming, came to the party and ... left after 2mins as he really want to be there.
A couple of other children came late (between 10 to 30 min for a 1.5hour party).

Did I get upset? No, Why should I? I get that people sometimes have to change their plans at the last minute. I can also understand that a child might not want to go to X party because well... they don't want to.

It has never crossed my mind that parents should give an excuse for their child not to attend. 'I am so so sorry but she has swimming lessons and we can't change' it is just unnecessary in my books. I do get that actually people/children might not want to attend my child's party. It is their prerogative to do so whatever the reason!

Different in my books to a friend who invites you, the adult, for their baby's birthday party. I would never have though about inviting a 5yo child to a 1yo birthday party. That sort party is for the parents' sake not for the child anyway.

btw the children were all about 7~8yo.

NotSureIcancarryOn - it is very refreshing to read your post. But now I'm convinced that my 5 year old is a little brat princess with a shitty attitude and me and Dh are awful parents. Our social lives - specially dd's - are doomed forever....... Not.