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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell these people that DD doesn't want to go to the B'day party?

155 replies

complexo · 19/05/2012 20:18

So, we were invited to this B'day party tomorrow and DD doesn't want to go...I have already confirmed attendance and I don't want to use a lame excuse...or should I?
They are not best friends, but they are a very nice couple and always invite us to their childrens b'days, christening and etc, I met the woman during a course, and we do bump into each other ocasionally as we live near. Their children are younger than mine, my daughter enjoyed playing with them at the beggining but it has been a long time and she lost interest.
Also DH is palnning for us to go for a meal I thought I could pop in on the way just to wish happy birthday and leave a gift, but now with daughter not going he won't be happy to do it either, as he doesn't know them and is not ery keen on socials outside family...

OP posts:
defineme · 19/05/2012 20:59

5 yrolds don't really get a choice I'm afraid (mine would have expressed an opinion at that age too, been made to go, would sit on my knee for a bit and then would run off and play).
Are you transposing dh's anxieties onto her? It just sounds like she can't be bothered rather than she's anxious.
You kind of have to, but I fail to see why it's rude to leave after a short while if it's a relaxed thing, if it's very organized with lots of games then you stay for the whole thing.
I do understand about the asd thing-ds1 has asd and I would have left him with dh rather than distress him. Asd is not just a modern excuse for things (I may be misunderstanding Tarty's tone/meaning) but ds1's distress is very different to dd1 and ds2s odd bit of grumpiness at leaving the comforts of home to go to a party-they were made to go, ds1 we used different strategies but also accepted that some things were not necessary -school is, parties not so much!
The special needs board is a very nice place if you want to postabout dh.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 19/05/2012 20:59

A B'day is summat you wash your arse in. For that alone, YABU.

Unless a catastrophe of some sort occurs, then if you accept an invitation, you go. Them's the rules.

Hulababy · 19/05/2012 21:00

Once you have accepted I think you should go, barring illness or emergency.
The mum may well have paid out for your DD in terms of food, party bag, or even entry fee depending on venue.

BupcakesandCunting · 19/05/2012 21:02

YABU and if you don't take her after you committed to it, you're teaching her that it's OK to drop people if you can't be arsed/get a better offer and that's a shite thing to teach a child IMO.

Your DH could do with growing up, too. Doesn't like socials outside of family?! Hmm

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 19/05/2012 21:04

Indeed, Bups.

Original poster
complexo · 19/05/2012 21:05

hiddenhome
I have problems interacting socially, but I still put myself out for my dcs I just make and effort and fake it. You have to when you have children.

I am exactly like you and generally dislike children's party in particular, but I can only live my own life and I can't force husband to be like me or do as I say.

OP posts:
Trestle · 19/05/2012 21:07

If you've accepted, you attend.

You can always decline a future invitation.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 19/05/2012 21:07

You can insist that he grows the fuck up though. You've clearly managed to; why can't he?

SinicalSanta · 19/05/2012 21:09

There was a thread on here one time , a distraught mother putting a brave face on it after only one child turned up for her 3 year old dds party. Barely a dent in the table full of food and a pile of unopened part bags. 'Is this what a party is, mummy?'
If that makes you feel guilty I'm not sorry, tbh, but not trying to be cruel to you either, honest!

BupcakesandCunting · 19/05/2012 21:09

Well if DH doesn't like it, he should stay in on his own with his lemon-lip. He can't expect your DD and you (I really suspect his reluctance to mix with people whom he doesn't share DNA with is behind this...) to miss out of social events/chances to make friends because he is socially inept.

redwineformethanks · 19/05/2012 21:09

I think it would be very rude not to go to the whole party. Swinging by with a present and then disappearing is no better than cancelling. Your DH is a red herring. He needn't go to the party.

If you host a party, your child gets really excited, you plan carefully who to invite and prepare all the party bags, would you think it's OK for people not to turn up on the day because they just don't fancy it? How do you think the child would feel if no one turned up?

Whatnamethistime · 19/05/2012 21:09

It's rude not to go and that's what I tell DCs you have accepted invite end of conversation really

BupcakesandCunting · 19/05/2012 21:09

Oh Sinical, I remember that thread. :(

Willowisp · 19/05/2012 21:11

I think it'll be extremely bad form if you don't turn up. Imagine it the other way round, I expect you'd think the child was a bit of a brat ? I certainly would & I'd think it poor show on the parents.

Go, with or without DH, handover the pressie & say you might not be able to stay the full as you have a headache/ your period.

I think DD will have fun...

Original poster
complexo · 19/05/2012 21:41

Now let me ask something else here, I cant be bothered to open another thread:
AIBU to ask this lady if her son liked his present?
So my daughter was invited to a b'day party of a boy from her classroom, we couldn't make it and I politely declined the invite well in advance. The party was on a Sat, so on the Friday before I took a gift to the school and gave to the child's childminder to give to his mum so he could open it when she thought is was appropriated (I checked wiyh the childminder before hand if it was ok for her to do me this favour and DD chose the gift).
2 months on and I haven't heard a single word from anybody and I don't know if the gift ever made its way to the child. I keep bumping into the childminder, mother and grandmother and I never ask and they never say anything.
Or maybe it is just me? If it was the other way round I would be sure to txt the person or say thank you in person...

OP posts:
pictish · 19/05/2012 21:54

She (the mum) most likely got caught up in all the next day's activities, and forgot about it.

fuckwittery · 19/05/2012 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vigglewiggle · 19/05/2012 22:01

It's somewhat ironic that you are moaning about this after your Op!

fuckwittery · 19/05/2012 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

trixymalixy · 19/05/2012 22:06

You confirmed, so you go. Anything else is just plain rude, and a terrible example to set your DD.

redwineformethanks · 19/05/2012 22:19

You think it's OK to not turn up at a birthday party when you accepted the invitation, but you're complaining you didn't receive a thank you note or text for a birthday present you delivered 2 months ago? That seems a bit ironic to me.........complaining about other people's manners.

Hulababy · 19/05/2012 22:24

Re. the present - I think after two months I would leave it well alone. You should have mentioned it to the mum the next time you saw her - in an informal "Oh did the CM pass on x's present to you, hope he got it in time" type of comment.

SarkyWench · 19/05/2012 22:40

As a child I twice went to parties where I was the only guest. The others said they were coming then found something better to do.

Utter humiliation for the poor kids.

Original poster
complexo · 19/05/2012 22:48

I am not complaining about what other mother didn't do, just asked a question and said whay I would have done. CM definitly knows me and whose child is mine, the b'day card was inside the gift bag which was sealed.
Anyway I have never experienced DD saying that she was not going to a B'day party and that is why posted here, I agree it would be rude not to go as would be even ruder to make an excuse/lie. DD is asking if her friends wil go - no, no one -, who is going, where is going to be...I will make her go and drop the present say happy b'day, but she will stay for as long as she wants, 5, 10, 30 minutes, 1 hour or till the end. I will not keep an unhappy child spoiling the party for everybody else and she can be a handful pain in the ass if she wants to...the b'day party won't be the best place for me to use my 'amazing' parenting methods.
At the end of the day, I signed up for the party, not her...

OP posts:
Original poster
complexo · 19/05/2012 22:50

And about the other party it was in April and I calculated the time wrong.

OP posts: