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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be sitting here sobbing because best friend just called to say she's pg

118 replies

emeraldgirl1 · 17/05/2012 13:11

... on the very same day I have found out I'm not.

I'm genuinely so SO happy for her, she's amazing and she deserves this so much.

but the timing is awful from my pov. am just sitting here sobbing and feeling guilty and shit.

OP posts:
hopkinette · 17/05/2012 13:14

YANBU. Do you have the kind of relationship with her where you could tell her that that's how you're feeling?

Original poster
emeraldgirl1 · 17/05/2012 13:14

I should add, I do know it's not a contest!! But I just found out 10 mins ago and I'm not quite in sane mode yet :(

OP posts:
maddening · 17/05/2012 13:14

as long as you don't make your friend feel guilty for her pg then yanbu - you're entitled to your feelings and a bpn when you're ttc is crushing - especially when others are pg

FreudianSlipper · 17/05/2012 13:15

honey do not feel guilty and give yourself a hard time it is not achieving anything

you have reason to feel unhappy at the moment and hopefully that will change soon and your feelings about your friends pregnancy will too

Original poster
emeraldgirl1 · 17/05/2012 13:15

I do have that relationship yes but the LAST thing I would do is rain on her parade the day she tells me. She lives abroad and she skyped because she wanted to tell me in person but also the very next thing she said was that she knew I would be next. I think she was worried about telling me and I would never want to ruin her moment. I really am happy for her - never knew it was possible to really say that and mean it when you are feeling so shit but I really do.

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Original poster
emeraldgirl1 · 17/05/2012 13:17

thanks freudianslipper and maddening :)

I just can't seemto stop crying. Haven't been like this since 1st boyfriend cheated on me at school disco 17 years ago... Wink

OP posts:
jumpingjackhash · 17/05/2012 13:17

Get it all out emeraldgirl1 then, when you're feeling better / holding it together, call your friend. You're allowed to be disappointed. I've been in the same situation (a number of times now) it's beyond misery-making, isn't it?!

How long have you been TTC?

farfallarocks · 17/05/2012 13:18

YANBU it is so hard when you are TTC and it does not happen straight away and everyone seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat. I always preferred being told via email so I had a chance to compose myself, feel sad for me and then get over it be happy for my friends. Don;t give yourself a hard time about it it is totally natural to feel this way and you then you feel bitter and guilty about being this envious person you have never been before! Wanting a baby is a very powerful emotion. You will get that baby in your arms eventually.

Debeez · 17/05/2012 13:19

If you're genuinely happy for her you have NO reason to feel guilty at all. No need to feel guilty about feeling sad. Do what you need to do to get through this. The timing is awful but it couldn't be helped.

I've had a miscarriage while my best friend is pregnant. I know it may seem a way off for you now but if it helps I'm taking a lot of comfort from my friends pregnancies (everyone's got one on the way it seems!). Seeing them happy and feeling glad it worked out and they didn't have to go through what I did helps a lot.

My first Thanks. YANBU

jumpingjackhash · 17/05/2012 13:20

I should add - once I had a good old blub at each friend's pg announcement while we're just being disappointed, I was deliriously happy for them and would like to think I was a brilliant friend through their pregnancies! Grin

However they know not to even suggest I might like to 'practise changing their nappy, for when it's my turn' (well, yes, one did actually do that... just the once). Hmm

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 17/05/2012 13:20

Let it out here. YANBU to feel disappointed, but (as I'm sure you know) YWBU to tell her how you feel. I was in your friend's situation and my friend was in yours - and she let jealousy completely overwhelm her and now we don't speak :( I'm so so sorry for you, it's heartbreaking, but your time will come, promise.

Original poster
emeraldgirl1 · 17/05/2012 13:20

Not that long jumpingjackhash, only around 4 months, ironically though exactly the same amount of time as my friend. I know 4 months isn't long but I'm 35 and feel more nervous as I approach that recomended 6-month cut-off point where you're ideallly supposed to see GP if you're over 35.

Thing is it's even more crushing because I was so sure y'day that I was pg. Doing that stupid thing of picking out baby names and imagining DH's face at news... this morning's disappointment was bad enough. Friend's call has tipped me over the edge I'm afraid :(

OP posts:
Original poster
emeraldgirl1 · 17/05/2012 13:21

Thanks v v much everyone - it does really help to hear all this!!

OP posts:
Original poster
emeraldgirl1 · 17/05/2012 13:23

Oh dear lord and in even worse news I just realise I sent an email to my DH at work saying 'X is pg. they have only been trying for a month. Am so so upset. Awful timing'... and actually I didn't send it to DH, I sent it to a colleague of mine, not someone I know v well... she has just emailed back politely saying 'I don't think that's meant for me. Hope you're OK.

Mortified Blush

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NeedlesCuties · 17/05/2012 13:23

Sending you a Brew YANBU.

I've been in the other position, IYSWIM, and it's also a bit of a roller-coaster.

A very dear friend has been TTC for a few years, in which time I've had DS and found out at Christmas that I was pregnant with DC2. Telling her my news was hard - she was a total diamond about it, but in my own mind I felt guilty and tripped over my words.

No one would blame you for feeling down or sad, but you seem like a good friend and hopefully your friend can support you too if you want her to.

jumpingjackhash · 17/05/2012 13:26

4 months?! Seriously, have a sob then pull yourself together and get right back on with trying! Grin Wink

lou2321 · 17/05/2012 13:27

I have been in the same situation as you twice, the 1st time I had been told I would be unable to conceive naturally then my BF called to say she was pregnant (complete accident and not even really with the father) - I just cried and cried after she told me.

Within 4 months I was pregnant (naturally) completely out of the blue so it probably will happen for you but you are NBU to feel like this now.

The 2nd time I had just got my period when we were TTC DS2 and my friend told me she was pregnant that day. I felt quite resentful about it as a few weeks before she was saying how awful her husband was and that she may leave him etc. I knew I had no right to feel like that at all but I did and thats life, I never told my friends I felt that way and the feeling got better in time!

Original poster
emeraldgirl1 · 17/05/2012 13:27

Thanks for the Brew!!!

Yes I can imagine how hard it is the other way around. My friend is a lovely person (obv, otherwise wouldn't be friends with her!!) and I think she was feeling nervous about it. Was one of those odd conversations where she kept trying to drag the conv back to me and how sure she was that I'd be next, and I kept trying to drag it back to her and say how thrilling it was!!! I did a lot of shrieking (in a good way).

DH sending panicked 'are you ok??' emails now, interspersed with logical, manly, "no need to get upset' ones

OP posts:
Original poster
emeraldgirl1 · 17/05/2012 13:29

jumpingjack - you're right, and actually I know I do need a slap around the face with kipper. 4 months isn't long. It's just the shock I think, combined with fact that (because I'm bonkers) this time y'day I was picking out baby names. It's a bloody roller-coaster!!

OP posts:
toobreathless · 17/05/2012 13:30

YAnBU.

Hang on in there.

It will happen, 4 months is not that long but must seem a lifetime at present.

FX for your BFP soon.

Original poster
emeraldgirl1 · 17/05/2012 13:33

4 months never used to seem long! Or two weeks for that matter!
I always swore I wouldn't turn into 'one of those' women who get nutty and obsessive about this... [laughs mirthlessly]

As DH has just emailed me, there isn't a finite amount of babies 'out there'. But it's not like I feel like my friend has 'taken' anything from me. I just feel miserable, and not even rationally so.

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farfallarocks · 17/05/2012 13:34

Bizarrely I was probaby more anxious after 4 months than I was after a year because you sort of hope you will fall into happened straight away camp. by 6 months I was getting worried. Finally managed it after 12 months though (and annoyingly it was when I decided to chill out about it for a while).

One piece of advice, don;t expect your DH to fully understand how you are feeling, they can't really comprehend the madness that takes over when you are TTC and you are better served by venting on here and not talking to him all the time (and retaining your sex goddess persona!!)

jumpingjackhash · 17/05/2012 13:35

That's the hard thing emerald - once you get the idea of a name, or a mental image of you with YOUR baby it's nigh-on impossible to forget them. We've been TTC for over 3 years now - we've been through one round of icsi (got a bfp, then had a mc) and then one FET with no joy. We're starting icsi again this summer. So you can imagine I've been there, done that with the names and everything else! I've even had the 'first dibbs on names' conversation with the one SIL who's not got any yet but will no doubt pop one out v soon!

You're not bonkers - just excited at the prospect of being a mum. Nothing wrong with that.

In the meantime, have some Wine because you still can and it's after 1pm

jumpingjackhash · 17/05/2012 13:37

You're right farfallarocks, I was so miserable and wound-up every 'failed' month for the first few, then just accepted it wasn't going to happen straight away and felt much better at dealing with af coming each month.

Wasn't planning on it taking this bloody long though! Grin

Original poster
emeraldgirl1 · 17/05/2012 13:37

Oh, that is good advice actually farfallarocks - about DH I mean. We have the type of rel/ship where we talk about everything, but even he has started to get a little alarmed I think by my up-and-down attitude to this whole process. I never used to think this way but I actually am not sure men DO understand, entirely. He's being his usual lovely self but wants to 'solve' it rathe than just let me rant talk

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