To expect DCs grandparents to attend their baptism?

[Babylon1]

So I've booked for all 3 DCs to be baptised at the same time now our family is complete.

I told my mum the date, and she said straight away, that her and my dad wouldn't be there as it was the same weekend as the game fair they go to with their neighbours; and they've already got tickets.

She then informed me it was going to be a very busy day for me as I had already agreed to take charge of their business for the weekend while they go to said game fair.

This isn't true, I had agreed to look after the business on the Saturday of the weekend, but no dates had been discussed and she had said she wouldn't be going to game fair on Sunday as she would have had enough after being there on Saturday.

I'm literally sat here crying my eyes out and feeling so hurt that she/they are putting the game fair before their grandchildren, but I'm certain that this is what mum is saying and not dad.

AIBU, even if they've already bought tickets, they could sell them on for they day? Or go later, it's less than half an hours drive from their home and baptism is at 10am, will be done before 11am.

There is more to this story involving my sister who will not be invited to baptism or celebration afterwards and I think this could have something to do with my mums decision ....

Why did you make the date for that weekend if you already knew they were going to be busy doing something that they had already planned?

Rearrange for another date. Check that all the main people you need/want there can make it. As you've waited to have all your children before having any baptised, there is surely no issue in waiting longer?

My ils couldn't be bothered to attend my youngest child's baptism. This was after putting me under tremendous pressure, even before, the birth to arrange dc1's within 4 weeks of the birth. IMO, by the time we got to dc3 they'd lost interest. No bitterness!

I didn't book it knowing they were already busy, I wouldn't do that. No dates of game fair had been discussed so I didn't know it was same wknd.

I can't rearrange either, only 2 x dates available this summer and on the other available date, we are attending a christening where my DH is a godfather to the dc being baptised.

Also this weekend we have booked, everyone else we want there is available as it is right at beginning of school hols, so before everyone starts going away for their annual jollies!

Agree with squeaky. You had agreed to do stuff the game fair weekend for your parents and hadn't bothered to check which weekend that was. As all 3 kids are getting baptised this isn't something that has to be done on a particular date so I'd have got a list of possible dates from the vicar and then discussed dates with key people we wanted there (grandparents, godparents, sibs) and chosen the most appropriate one.
Saying they have chosen a game fair over their grandchildren is being overly melodramatic, they already had tickets, had told you they were going to the game fair and had planned to go with other people and it sounds like a regular event for them. Why not change the date of the christening?

Do it in the autumn?

I did also tell my parents that once dc3 was born, we would be having all 3 baptised during the summer - and that it would hopefully coincide with DHs 40th birthday and we would be able to have a big joined up family celebration.

Game fair isn't a regular event for them - it'll be the second time they've been this year.

I didn't know it was same wknd and the people they are planning on going with are also to be invited to baptism. Is it really that unreasonable to ask them to go a little later on the Sunday so they come to church first? If it was miles away then I'd agree, but it's less than half an hour away from their house.

YABU, they're not putting the game fair before their grand kids. They're putting a pre-arrangement ahead of an occasion that's presumably of little real concern to either you or them (if baptism was really important to you, you wouldn't wait with your first child) Perfectly reasonable, if it's important to you that they're there, you need to ask them before you set the date, not after.

Thanks for that FredFredGeorge, DH and I agreed that it would be a family occasion when our family was complete, we talked about this when I was pregnant with dd1 back in 2004. Please don't tell me what is and isn't of importance/concern to me - you have no idea.

I think YABU. It's your event, so it should be up to you to arrange it fr a weekend that your parents can attend if it's important for you to have them there. You can't expect them to cancel long standing plans when you won't cancel yours for the other available date. I can understand why you want that date, but if your parents can't do it, then it's no better than the other date you were offered.

Is it maybe that they are not religious? And dont particularly want to indulge in silly rituals that dont mean anything?

If my parents aren't religious, why did they bother to have me and sister and brother baptised?

And why would mother spend 4 hours hunting out the 40 year old family gown and shawl for the occasion if it was just a meaningless ritual?

For goodness sake, if you want people to be somewhere on a particular date you check dates with them first!

Ring the church back, tell them you have to change that date, ask them what later dates are available, check which dates you can all do, and rearrange it.

I don't understand why that's so difficult and it's all such a drama!

YANBU to be disappointed and even to expect them to change their plans but unfortunately I think you are going to have to live with it. I agree that I would expect my parents to go to whatever other event a bit later, even if they didn't cancel it altogether.

I'm a bit confused about your sister, why isn't she even being invited, what has that got to do with your mother?

On the point about looking after the business, I think that as your Mum hadn't clarified the date with you then you have no responsibility to do so.

When I arranged Ds christening I sorted which dates where available checked with the people I wanted to be there and took it from there. You can't expect everyone to drop plans when you haven't given them prior warning before booking.

Why does it have to be over summer anyway?

Agree with the others - why would you book something so important as a baptism without checking beforehand that the key people could attend? I am attending the christening of my goddaughter in a couple of weeks' time but the mother checked with us all that we were available before confirming the date.

You can't expect people to drop pre-arranged plans, it's quite arrogant to assume otherwise!

are you going to tell your mum now that you can't look after her business that weekend too now as she didn't give you the dates in time when she knew that you were organising a big christening/40th celebration early in the summer?

Sorry to say but this looks like a lose:lose scenario all round...

I suspect your mum (rightly or wrongly!) probably remembers that she told you the date when sorting out that you were going to cover the weekend for her. You of course know that you were still waiting for the date and you had only agreed to work the Saturday. Does your mum have form for remembering things conveniently for her or twisting things to suit herself/your sis?

Did you have any reason to think the game fair wouldn't be on that weekend when you booked the christening or had you forgotten about it or were you assuming that despite it being the g fair, the christening was more important and therefore your mum wouldn't be going to it?

Re-reading this, it sounds harsh on you and not your mum which is not the way I'd meant it to sound. Sorry.

If this is the only weekend that it can be done, then you just have to say to your mum that it has to be this weekend, sorry there had been a screw up with the dates and that you wish she had told you the date of the game fair earlier. But that it wouldn't have changed things - this is still the only date possible for the christening, you obviously will not be providing cover for her that weekend as if she had told you the actual date you would not have agreed to. Also that you are very upset that she feels the baptism of all her gc is less important than a game fair but if that is her decision then you have no choice but to accept it, even if you're not happy about it.

and then duck, take cover and watch everything explode in front of you from the way you've described her!

Good luck and try to have a great time at the christening and celebration afterwards!

Well i think your parents are being unreasonable actually. I might be in the minority but, the baptism of their grandchildren is far more important than a games fair!
Seeings as the fair isnt far away they could compromise and attend both. Prebooked tickets or not, this is an important milestone in their grandchildrens lives!

(i have also waited for my 2nd baby to arrive so i can baptise my children together so i completely understand OP- its not because we are not religious or its not important. I wanted a day to celebrate both my boys together at the same time!)

So ok, I'm getting that maybe IABU about this, but the date is now booked as is the venue for afterwards for a christening tea and 40th birthday bash for DH.

If I was to change date to the other available, I wouldn't be able to have the venue as other christening party already have it booked for their christening tea, and seeing as DH is godfather at this christening, would be a bit of a juggling act IYSWIM?

So do I just accept that my parents won't be there and get on with it?

So milky because one person declares a date as something important everything pre planned should be dropped for that?

I don't think you're being unreasonable Babylon.
There's no reason your parents can't come to the baptism then go to the game fair, it sounds like they're being stubborn because now they have no cover for their business.

Carry on with the date you have picked and if anyone asks why they're not there you can tell them the truth , they've gone to the game fair at x town/village.

Hope you have a lovely day at the baptism and birthday celebrations.

Am I the only person who doesn't know what a game fair is?

OP, I think you are being very U, expecting you parents to drop their plans. It would be nice if they made an effort to re-jig so that they could attend both the christening and the game fair but the onus really was on you to check that they were available before you booked the date.

You're annoyed because you think your mum is putting the game fair before your DC's baptism.

Your mum is annoyed that you've arranged your DC's baptism on a day when she thought you'd agreed to look after her business. (You didn't know the date, but in her head it was agreed, and you didn't check with her before arranging the baptism.)

If it's important to you to have your parents there, sit down with them and work it out. Calendars / diaries to hand, having checked alternative dates with godparents, church, venue, and any other key players.

You could have a 40th birthday party as planned, with the christening on another date.
Your mum may decide that she can make the original date work - but that is more likely if you genuinely look at other options with her, with your priority being on having everyone there.