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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DCs grandparents to attend their baptism?

109 replies

Babylon1 · 17/05/2012 10:07

So I've booked for all 3 DCs to be baptised at the same time now our family is complete.

I told my mum the date, and she said straight away, that her and my dad wouldn't be there as it was the same weekend as the game fair they go to with their neighbours; and they've already got tickets.

She then informed me it was going to be a very busy day for me as I had already agreed to take charge of their business for the weekend while they go to said game fair.

This isn't true, I had agreed to look after the business on the Saturday of the weekend, but no dates had been discussed and she had said she wouldn't be going to game fair on Sunday as she would have had enough after being there on Saturday.

I'm literally sat here crying my eyes out and feeling so hurt that she/they are putting the game fair before their grandchildren, but I'm certain that this is what mum is saying and not dad.

AIBU, even if they've already bought tickets, they could sell them on for they day? Or go later, it's less than half an hours drive from their home and baptism is at 10am, will be done before 11am.

There is more to this story involving my sister who will not be invited to baptism or celebration afterwards and I think this could have something to do with my mums decision ....

OP posts:
Kayano · 23/05/2012 07:34

Oh right drip feeding about them not going on Sunday. Gotcha. Out

empirestateofmind · 23/05/2012 07:39

But in the OP she says

AIBU, even if they've already bought tickets, they could sell them on for they day? Or go later, it's less than half an hours drive from their home and baptism is at 10am, will be done before 11am.

I think this does imply the mother is going to be busy that day, presumably they are two day tickets

However given that she said to the OP she would only go to the Game Fair on the Saturday originally, I would surmise that she doesn't really want to go to the christening.

YouOldSlag · 23/05/2012 08:28

Agree empire- the mother is just being awkward if you ask me.

Original poster
Babylon1 · 23/05/2012 10:05

Just to clear this up.... They have bought tickets for the game fair already, they are FOUR day tickets - thurs fri sat and sun. They can go all or any of the days. Mum said she wasn't going on the Sunday, she'll have had enough by then - all said in FIRST POST.

Why can't people read posts properly??Angry

I'm not drip feeding, what would he the point??

Had a further conversation with mother yesterday and age had now informed me there is also a steam rally happening that wknd which they simply must go to as it is Organised by their other neighbours in support of the local ICU and they go every year Sad

OP posts:
YouOldSlag · 23/05/2012 10:09

Yep, OP. She's just being awkward. She could easily go if she wanted to.

YouOldSlag · 23/05/2012 10:10

Kayano- she wasn't drip feeding- read the opening post:

"she (OP's mother) had said she wouldn't be going to game fair on Sunday as she would have had enough after being there on Saturday"

Original poster
Babylon1 · 23/05/2012 10:21

Thank you oldslag, I'm glad it's not me!!! Lol!!

Smile
OP posts:
Hebiegebies · 23/05/2012 10:27

Your mum sounds as she is making it up as she goes along.

How about writing a letter telling her how much it means to you that they attend the service, no emotional black mail or 'but you said'. Just a nice letter.

Feel for you

YouOldSlag · 23/05/2012 10:33

Go ahead without her OP. You tried. If you cancel and reschedule she will most likely do this again.

She doesn't want to come. She is wrong as she will be hurting her GCs by not attending, rather than making any political point.

Have a fabulous day and don't give in to her childish games. Baptisms are no place for people who are flouncing, so let her take her grudge somewhere else for the day.

Don't discuss it again, just ignore her strops and carry on. She has no power over you.

EmmaCate · 23/05/2012 10:35

I can't decide personally but am edging towards YANBU with regards the proximity of both events and them going later on. Regarding though your comments about it being a 'meaningless ritual' - I'm afraid to say that to many people the religious part of it is meaningless and it is often done for tradition/because it's seen as a family event.

My PIL are completely not religious but would rather chop their feet off than miss my DDs baptism later this year; they are all about the big 'family occasion'. It's a bit bullshit IMO but I am straying off topic...

Original poster
Babylon1 · 23/05/2012 18:50

Had a conversation with my dad tonight, he says they will be there and he wouldn't miss it, which made me feel better. I did tell him not to make mum come against her will though and I explained in a non-blaming way that I felt really hurt by what she had said and that we don't matter Sad

He will talk to her, but he said it's not only me having these "issues" with her at the moment Sad

Apparently my brother had also talked to my dad about mums attitude towards various stuff Sad

Basically it seems a bit like if it's not about her or her business then she ain't got no interest Sad. Very sad Sad

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/05/2012 19:21

FredFredGeorge is right. Baptisms aren't something that are done to fit around family planning from a religious point of view. You've arranged it to suit yourselves; fine - but the emphasis has been lost a bit. If you were going to wait, surely you could have arranged it for a time when everybody could go.

It does sound like there are other issues going on, I hope that everybody can put those behind them for the day or it will seem like duress on what should be a joyous occasion.

Lovelynewboots · 23/05/2012 19:42

I would just leave the door open for them to come. Just say "if you find you are back early from the games fair please come." Gives you the moral high ground. It would be easy to fall out over this but I don't think its worth it. There is obviously a complicated back story with your sister.

NomNomNom · 23/05/2012 19:54

Well, your sister must have got her attitude from somewhere... Any idea who could possibly be her role model...?

olgaga · 24/05/2012 09:30

DMCWelshCakes - same here either the date we have booked or a date at the end of the summer when everyone is likely to be away for summer holidays. Nothing else then til late Autumn.

What a shame this is, if you had only checked with your family first before booking the date. I really can't understand why you didn't do that with anyone you really wanted to be there - let alone your own mum and dad.

Late Autumn is not exactly years away, and you could have saved yourself and your family an awful lot of aggravation.

Your mistake was in going ahead and booking the date in the expectation that everyone would just drop what they had planned to fit in with you. I do think you have to accept some responsibility for that mistake if you want to smooth things over.

YouOldSlag · 24/05/2012 09:34

olgaga- read the OP! it clearly states the OP's mother CAN do the Sunday but is refusing to. she had said she wouldn't be going to game fair on Sunday as she would have had enough after being there on Saturday.

I can't believe this is the fourth time I have pointed this out!

If you read more of the OP's posts you will also see that the mother has made other excuses as to why and is also being awkward with other members of the family, not just the OP.

Original poster
Babylon1 · 24/05/2012 10:18

I give in old slag!!! I think olgaga must be reading it in Swahili or something ConfusedConfused!!

I'm not interested in taking the moral highground, and I also refuse to fall out with parents about this. Life is too short. I think my mum particularly is being unreasonable, but hey ho, life goes on.

There is a long complicated back story with my sister, the top and bottom being I haven't had any contact (except one phone call and text msg a few weeks ago) since august last year.

I've made it clear that due to past incidences, there is no place in my life for my sister - I cannot handle the spite and jealousy she harbours, nor the malicious intent she has to cause trouble with everything. I am aware that she may be accessing counselling for her issues, but it's going to be a very long road before she's welcome back in my life or the lives of my DH and DCs.

My mum is struggling to accept this and I think that may be a big part of what her problem is now. If I was to invite sister, I'm certain my mum would be available for the baptism.

OP posts:
diddl · 24/05/2012 10:27

Hope your mum decides to go.

If OP was helping parents on the weekend with their business-wasn´t it up to them to tell OP which weekend they needed her as soon as they knew-not up to OP to ask?

Sorry if that´s been covered or I´ve misunderstood.

Original poster
Babylon1 · 24/05/2012 10:44

Hi diddl, I think there has been assumptions made on both sides which isn't good. I suppose now the question isn't AIBU, but more a case of how do we deal with the situation without it causing a huge family rift later on?

I've accepted that my parents may not be there, and there isn't really anything I can go to change that.

OP posts:
AdmiralBenson · 24/05/2012 11:17

Have read the whole thing and as you said, it does sound like your mum is making it up as she goes along. Suddenly it's not just the game fair - but a crucially important steam rally, too?

I think that if you changed the date something else would probably crop up, ensuring you will never win. You're always the problem, and she's always put out! Been there, done that with my own mum, bless her awkward soul.

ZZZenAgain · 24/05/2012 11:24

did you tell her you had not agreed to run the business on Sunday, just the Saturday, so you hope she'll find someone to do that?

Just go ahead with your date, for some reason or other she doesn't want to attend, enjoy the baptism and don't stress about running their business for them (whatever that may entail) on the Sunday as well.

Only other thing you can do is try and rebook the baptism and do what she wants for the games weekend. How do you feel about that?

olgaga · 24/05/2012 11:45

YOS calm down! I have read the whole thread. Have posted earlier too. The conversation you refer to took place before the Christening was booked. OP then announced the date.

It was then pointed out to OP that it was going to be a very busy day ... as (she) had already agreed to take charge of their business for the weekend while they go to said game fair

So OP knew there was a Game Fair that weekend, which her mother was involved in, with other friends, and they had tickets for the weekend. OP knew she had agreed to help on the Saturday of that weekend.

She booked the date knowing that (a) it would indeed be a busy day for both her and her mum on the Saturday and that (b) she had not said at that point "Mum I am definitely going to have the Christening/celebrations on the Sunday". What she says is but no dates had been discussed.

So my reading of this is that evidently mum assumed that the Christening wouldn't be that weekend as there was already so much arranged!

OP has gone ahead and booked the Christening on a day which her mum probably assumed would be clear, and had quite possibly - not knowing the date for the Christening - had discussed the plans for that weekend with her friends and altered them.

OP then tells mum with the date she has gone ahead and booked without making sure they were available.

I imagine that's why OP's mum now feels that her arrangements for that weekend were ignored when the date for the Christening was set.

I agree with Lovelynewboots - that you should say you hope they can come back from the Game Fair early - and it's not worth falling out over.

Original poster
Babylon1 · 24/05/2012 12:46

The business which needs looking after involves animals - after feeding the animals in the morning (which mum will do before she goes to games fair on Saturday) there is nothing for me to do, but licence stipulates that there should not be prolonged absence from the establishment if animals are in residence and good practice dictates there should be a responsible adult present on the premises. That responsible adult on the Saturday Is me, but I will be able to get on with whatever I need to do as the business is at my parents house, so I will be able to do any last minute stuff for the Sunday.

Thus making me no more busy than if I were at my own home, which is less than a mile from their house Smile

OP posts:
olgaga · 24/05/2012 13:12

That's great OP!

Hebiegebies · 24/05/2012 14:25

Glad to hear you have spoken to your Dad, he must be having a hard time too if he's living with her moods

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