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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DCs grandparents to attend their baptism?

109 replies

Babylon1 · 17/05/2012 10:07

So I've booked for all 3 DCs to be baptised at the same time now our family is complete.

I told my mum the date, and she said straight away, that her and my dad wouldn't be there as it was the same weekend as the game fair they go to with their neighbours; and they've already got tickets.

She then informed me it was going to be a very busy day for me as I had already agreed to take charge of their business for the weekend while they go to said game fair.

This isn't true, I had agreed to look after the business on the Saturday of the weekend, but no dates had been discussed and she had said she wouldn't be going to game fair on Sunday as she would have had enough after being there on Saturday.

I'm literally sat here crying my eyes out and feeling so hurt that she/they are putting the game fair before their grandchildren, but I'm certain that this is what mum is saying and not dad.

AIBU, even if they've already bought tickets, they could sell them on for they day? Or go later, it's less than half an hours drive from their home and baptism is at 10am, will be done before 11am.

There is more to this story involving my sister who will not be invited to baptism or celebration afterwards and I think this could have something to do with my mums decision ....

OP posts:
Original poster
Babylon1 · 20/05/2012 08:12

Calamityboo I didn't see your message but suspect you posted something and thought better of it? Something along the lines of attending christenings maybe?

You still have my number, please feel free to speak up whenever you feel like it Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Babylon1 · 20/05/2012 08:15

2rebecca I suspect you're right. They ( mother) won't miss an opportunity to show off her DGCs and talk about her "new" business to anyone who'll listen.

OP posts:
Birthhippy9 · 20/05/2012 09:58

Babylon1 Even if they don't don't worry about it. My MIL thought watching Susan Boyle was more important than her son getting baptised, after a very long period of it being clear that it was something very special and important to him. It's a shame. Doesn't take away from the special nature of the day. Even if someone isn't religious themselves it seems unusual to me to not support the people they love. I for example wouldn't think twice about going to a humanist ceremony if it was something that was special to someone I cared about. I would respect their choices and not judge. I sincerely think that this is a family power battle about things not related to the actual ceremony or dates and that perhaps that's only more obvious as you read through the thread. Hope it all goes well and focus on the good aspects rather than let anything destroy it.

LynetteScavo · 20/05/2012 10:04

YANBU.

If they wanted to come, they would make the effort. They obviously, for whatever reason, don't. Sad

Original poster
Babylon1 · 20/05/2012 10:07

Thank you MaytreeArch, I've just accepted now that they may not be there and that is completely up to them.

We will enjoy the day regardless; as will our DCs Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Babylon1 · 20/05/2012 10:07

Thank you Lynette x

OP posts:
YouOldSlag · 20/05/2012 10:14

(if baptism was really important to you, you wouldn't wait with your first child) - that's rubbish Fred, Fred, George. Baptism is very important to me but I waited a year with my first and nearly three with my second. My first will have a blessing at his brother's baptism and has kept his candle. There's no "rule" and I wasn't baptised till I was an adult.

Well OP, YANBU. I read your OP and it says your mother doesn't even want to go to the game fair on the Sunday, therefore she is free. Therefore it is a deliberate boycott.

Go ahead without her- I bet she won't think you'll do that. You wouldn't want her there if it was against her will and she was annoyed about it would you? It's meant to be a happy occasion, so only include people who are happy about it and wish you and your child joy.

Original poster
Babylon1 · 20/05/2012 18:49

Thanks YOS can't call you by your full name Wink Grin

I've pretty much got over it now and have thrown myself into the planning of it instead!!

I'm guessing my DM is either feeling awkward about not coming or just doesn't care as I haven't heard a peep from her since Thursday morning when she told me she had arranged that my aunt will look after the business.

This in itself is quite strange as she's normally on the phone at least twice a day Sad

I haven't phoned her either, bug I don't gave anything to tell her specifically and really don't feel like I can be bothered to make small talk with her when I feel she is letting me down.

Hey ho, I've got two DDs needing posh frocks and a newborn DS who will need a little suit and tie, as well as invites to make and send, buffet to plan, etc etc etc oh and a pretty posh cake to make too Wink

I'm gonna be busy!!!!

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 20/05/2012 18:57

It would be sad, regardless of who actually attends, for you to be estranged (to a degree) from your family on the day of the Christening.

I think you need to make the first move with your mum. She's already having to miss the Christening, it would be nice if perhaps you could involve her in the planning instead.

AllYoursBabooshka · 20/05/2012 19:09

I don't think you are BU.

It's not like you are asking them to drop the game fair for a trip to Asda, This is a Baptism and it's important.

It's a shitty way to treat their family.

lolajane2009 · 20/05/2012 19:31

why didn't you check what date was convenient for everyone before you booked your baptism? due to caring obligations in my family I had to check with everyone to get a suitable date.

DMCWelshCakes · 20/05/2012 20:28

YANBU.

When we organised our baptisms we were given virtually no choice about when it was as they have to be on a certain Sunday in the month as part of the morning service. It's not as simple as "rearrange it for a day when everyone can make it".

And frankly your parents appear to have extremely skewed priorities about a number of things.

Have a wonderful day.

DoesItComeInBlack · 20/05/2012 20:29

I don't think you should have to check that everyone is available before you arrange an event that is important to you. There will always be someone who can't make it so just pick a date that is good for you and people either make the effort to come on that date or they don't.

Original poster
Babylon1 · 20/05/2012 20:38

DMCWelshCakes - same here either the date we have booked or a date at the end of the summer when everyone is likely to be away for summer holidays. Nothing else then til late Autumn.

Didn't check date with mother as and had already said she wouldn't be going to game fair on the Sunday and thus would be around - she lives a mile and a half from us and the church. Her business dictates that and cannot leave her property unoccupied for long periods (more than a couple of hours tops) but she would be able to leave it to come to ceremony, then again later for a bite to eat etc etc...

I WILL make the first move with her (againSad) because I refuse to allow this to eat me up and stress me out. I will act all aloof and as if nothing had been said when I next see her/phone her. I will also still look after the business for her as planned on the Saturday - that's not a problem.

Uuurgh, families huh?? Who'd bloody well have them??!!

OP posts:
Sirzy · 20/05/2012 20:38

If its someone you specifically want there then of course you should check. If you don't mind either way fair enough but then you can't complain if they won't drop everything to come.

YouOldSlag · 20/05/2012 21:10

Tidydancer, you said "She's already having to miss the Christening", but OP's mum doesn't have to miss it as she is free on the Sunday and always was.

Op you might want to be the bigger person and make that call (although I wouldn't ) but just give her one more chance and say "just checking numbers, can I confirm you will be there?" if it's still no, it's a deliberate boycott and really unfair on the DCs. You've given her a chance.

Also, agree with other posters who have pointed out that baptisms are not easy to reschedule. There are 52 Sundays in a year and often thousands of parishioners who also need the church. You usually wait for the vicar to give YOU a date, not the other way around!

Original poster
Babylon1 · 22/05/2012 23:32

Grrrrrrr AngryAngry Grrrrrrrr bloody mothers Sad

OP posts:
Wingedharpy · 23/05/2012 02:41

Could it possibly be that she is using the game fair as an excuse not to come as she doesn't want to appear to be "taking sides" to your sister?

Mimishimi · 23/05/2012 04:23

How much notice did you give them? Is this something that is months away or in a couple of weeks?

empirestateofmind · 23/05/2012 04:39

You should have phoned them before booking if you wanted them there.

You seem to be setting them up to fail TBH.

RockChick1984 · 23/05/2012 07:07

What's happened babylon ? Hope you're ok

YouOldSlag · 23/05/2012 07:09

No empire and Mimi- the OP's mother was always free on the Sunday. She was not going to the game fair on the Sunday anyway and lives really near the church.

As I said upthread, you can't always choose baptism dates, the vicar usually tells you the date as churches get pretty busy.

xkcdfangirl · 23/05/2012 07:24

I don't think either side is being massively more unreasonable than the other - you both are being a little bit U.

The important think is not to let this impasse become a dispute that sours the relationship between you and your parents in the long run, and you can have the grace to facilitate that.

How about just holding a 40th-birthday-party for your DH that weekend - so all the people who you want to invite can still celebrate with you - and do the joint baptisms next year. I've been to a few baptisms where all of a sibling group were being done at the same time, and I've felt that the older children have been happier and got more out of it when all of them have been able to stand on their own two feet - if the older ones are standing and the youngest is being cuddled the can feel it is one more example of the littlest one getting the most attention. If I was getting three christened at the same time, I would wait until the youngest is a toddler.

Kayano · 23/05/2012 07:27

I wouldn't have booked without checking with the main people first. What if they had booked a holiday. Booking blind is always going to cause issues for somebody.

They already had their tickets

YouOldSlag · 23/05/2012 07:30

But the mother is free on the Sunday and always was! so not the OPs fault as the mother IS AVAILABLE!

(aargh, I've said this about 3 times it's in the OP!)

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