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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DCs grandparents to attend their baptism?

109 replies

Babylon1 · 17/05/2012 10:07

So I've booked for all 3 DCs to be baptised at the same time now our family is complete.

I told my mum the date, and she said straight away, that her and my dad wouldn't be there as it was the same weekend as the game fair they go to with their neighbours; and they've already got tickets.

She then informed me it was going to be a very busy day for me as I had already agreed to take charge of their business for the weekend while they go to said game fair.

This isn't true, I had agreed to look after the business on the Saturday of the weekend, but no dates had been discussed and she had said she wouldn't be going to game fair on Sunday as she would have had enough after being there on Saturday.

I'm literally sat here crying my eyes out and feeling so hurt that she/they are putting the game fair before their grandchildren, but I'm certain that this is what mum is saying and not dad.

AIBU, even if they've already bought tickets, they could sell them on for they day? Or go later, it's less than half an hours drive from their home and baptism is at 10am, will be done before 11am.

There is more to this story involving my sister who will not be invited to baptism or celebration afterwards and I think this could have something to do with my mums decision ....

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 17/05/2012 11:26

I'm wondering what a game fair is too Bella. It sounds like something that country folk do. Smile

olgaga · 17/05/2012 11:27

So you're now saying that you've gone ahead and arranged everything without first making sure the dates were OK with people you really wanted to be there.

If I understand you correctly, your mum thought you were going to be available that weekend to look after the business. So presumably she still needs cover for the business whether or not she goes to the game fair?

I think you have to understand that you have created a really difficult situation for your mum and dad simply through not checking the dates with them, and you will just have to wait and see what they decide.

But if I was your mum I'd be pretty annoyed with you!

Original poster
Babylon1 · 17/05/2012 11:30

There is a lot of family history with sister, every family celebration she has been invited to over the last 5 years or so, she has had major tantrums at and ruined - on purpose SadAngry

The last time was august last year at my dd2 2nd birthday party which she ruined Sad

I have had no contact at all with her since then but my mum thinks I should forgive and forget and move on, but I can't - there has been too much hurt (I have posted about this before).

I didn't agree to look after business on the Sunday, she is getting mixed up with last year when I did look after the business for the whole wknd, as they stayed at the game fair in a caravan.

She said she wasn't going on the Sunday this year but I would look after the business on the Saturday for her - this had been agreed. So to book a baptism for Sunday shouldn't have been an issue anyway as they werent going on the Sunday. It is only since I mentioned christening they are now going on the Sunday Sad

And coincidentally when I asked mum not to mention to sister, as I do not want her just turning up uninvited - which is quite likely.

FFS at dd2s birthday last august she tried to run my mum over on her own driveway, mum literally had to jump out of the path of her car Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
Babylon1 · 17/05/2012 11:32

A game fair is something that country folk do yes, think hunter wellies, range rovers and labradors Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Babylon1 · 17/05/2012 11:42

Olgaga, please read my posts properly. I am still looking after the business on the Saturday which is what I had originally agreed to do . There was no need for me on the Sunday as they were not going on the Sunday and would therefore be at home.

Now I've mentioned christening they ARE going on the Sunday, which I suspect has something to do with me not inviting my sister AND mother dearest has arranged for my only aunty to look after the business on the Sunday, rendering her unable to come either now Sad

The key people for the christening were consulted on the dates; ie godparents, but all other guests will receive invites in due course. My parents knew we were planning a baptism on a Sunday in July - I told them this 3 weeks ago when dc3 was born. At no time in last 3 weeks has mother said to me"don't forget we're going to game fair on x date, so avoid that wknd". It's not the same wknd as last year, so they can't say I should've remembered......

OP posts:
SusanneLinder · 17/05/2012 11:51

You know what OP-it seems you are determined to be annoyed with your parents no matter what and think they ahve done all this to spite you :(

Blacksquirrel · 17/05/2012 12:02

Before arranging my DD's baptism I checked a few dates with the church then checked those dates with parent's & godparents before booking it.

It seems your parent's don't really think too much of baptism & therefore I wouldn't care if they weren't there.
We have invited non-religious family members but if they don't attend I wouldn't be put out as what's important is the child's baptism not the party & who is attending.

Blacksquirrel · 17/05/2012 12:03

Doh! Apologies for the rogue ' in parents

samandi · 17/05/2012 12:12

Are they even religious? Perhaps they're making excuses because they don't want to go. And if they had plans, you should have checked beforehand.

olgaga · 17/05/2012 12:15

Sorry OP, it's a bit difficult to keep up with all the information you have given since your first post.

My parents knew we were planning a baptism on a Sunday in July - I told them this 3 weeks ago

Well I don't know when they made the arrangements with their friends, but it was obviously before you booked your arrangements as she immediately knew they wouldn't be available on the date you stated. There are FIVE Sundays in July. Did you tell them you wanted them to keep all five available?

Perhaps she was waiting for you to check with them before you went ahead and booked it. You didn't do that, so why are you so surprised?

Why do you think it's got anything to do with your sister? She didn't know the date before you told her! It isn't as though you told her the date and she said yes ok and later told you she wasn't available having spoken to your sister.

I think you are being over-sensitive and reading far too much into it.

There is no indication your mum, dad and aunty wouldn't be coming if you hadn't made sure they were available!

That was your mistake - not theirs.

Sirzy · 17/05/2012 12:50

If you don't see them as key people then why worry if they can't come?

glamourousgranny42 · 17/05/2012 13:05

I don't attend baptisms as I am a humanist. You might see this ritual as a big deal whilst others don't. Is it just an excuse for a family knees up? If so rearrange a party on a different day. If the religous aspect is so important it only matters that the children and godparents are there.

Original poster
Babylon1 · 17/05/2012 14:26

The key people are the children and the godparents and they will all be there.

I want my parents there, of course I do, but if they can't be there for whatever reason then I have to like it or lump it, obviously.

I'm not annoyed with them per se, I'm disappointed they won't see their gcs baptism, but it's not the end of the world - I know that.

There is a lot of other family stuff which I'm not going into again - all been said before on threads on here.

It's not just an excuse for a family knees up, it's something which is important to us, and will go ahead with or without my parents presence.

Since I last posted, it transpires that some of the issue may be the venue for afterwards and the fact that I haven't asked to hold the party at my parents house. We held our wedding reception there and all of my DCs birthday parties etc have been there as well as DHs 30th birthday bash etc. After dd2s birthday last august, I swore I would never have another party there because of sister. It's not my house so I cannot dictate who can and can't come to a function there - if my mum wants my sister there she would invite her.
I have removed this option by not having the party there.

OP posts:
redexpat · 17/05/2012 15:09

OP you seem to be getting a flaming which I don't think is entirely fair. It seems to be a case of people on both sides thinking that they have communicated their availability when neither has done so. Whilst I don't quite understand your way of doing the 3 in 1 Baptism, it seems very clear from your post that it's important to you that your family is there. I don't think that asking your parents to come for the Church service and then go to the game fair is unreasonable, articularly since it's the baptism of 3 grandchildren which happens once, and the game fair happens every year.

FWIW my Mum didn't come to DS' Christening because she already had tickets for the opera, but not at the theatre, at the cinema watching a film. I was a bit Confused and a bit Sad and I'm not even religious! Before I get flamed, DH is religious and it was desperatly important for him to have DS Christened. TBH it made me appreciate my Dad coming even more. Focus on the people who are there.

ll31 · 17/05/2012 16:02

Woudl change date. To be honest though if you're only getting around to baptising them now that you have three kids, maybe they think that it's not that important to you.

olgaga · 17/05/2012 16:41

it's not the end of the world - I know that

That's the spirit - it's just one day, you'll all have a fantastic time - the most important people (ie you, your DH and children) will be there having a great time and that's all that really matters.

more · 17/05/2012 16:56

What's your partner's view on this. Remember it's not that long ago you gave birth, not trying to be rude or offend you, but everything seems a bit of a blurr the first couple of months after I gave birth, and I am not entirely sure what I said to who and why, if that makes sense!

DPrince · 17/05/2012 17:10

If it was so important you would have checked with them. You may not have known the date, but they could have had other plans. The choice is change (which you can't do) or do it without them. There isn't really choice is there?

upahill · 17/05/2012 17:14

So do I just accept that my parents won't be there and get on with it?

Yes.

igggi · 17/05/2012 17:22

GlamourousGranny - "I don't attend baptisms as I am a humanist".
Seriously? If you are invited to a religious wedding, baptism or funeral you won't attend?

I thought humanists would be a bit, well, more liberal than that.

Sausagedog27 · 17/05/2012 17:32

Wow your getting a flaming! I agree and yanbu- especially if your mum had said that she wasn't going on the Sunday to the games thingy. How unhappy would it make you if she didn't attend? It might be less stressful for you especially if she is likely to tell your sister and your sis might turn up?

Safire · 17/05/2012 18:04

FWIW I also think YANBU to be disappointed since you had understood that your DM would be available on any given Sunday.

Would you still be able to look after the business on the Saturday though, won't you be busy preparing for the next day, that's 3 big events to get ready for with an almost newborn in tow, I would be going demented the day before for just one of them.

Sorry I don't know what you should do but in light of the potential for family drama perhaps it's better this way? It doesn't seem like there's any way you can swing this so everyone is happy so maybe just please the majority? I think your parents/ family friends could easily come if they wanted to. Sometimes you just want your family to rally round and support you instead of putting themselves first. Even if they think you are wrong, they could still forgive you because they love you, and put themselves out (if indeed it's that big an inconvenience in the first place) for something that is so obviously important to you and which is a significant family event. That's how I see it anyway.

Hope it all works out and you have happy memories of the day, all the best. And please don't cry anymore though I can imagine how it hurts.

Original poster
Babylon1 · 17/05/2012 18:51

I feel better now I've calmed down a bit. I'm still disappointed obviously but it's their loss, we'll have a fantastic day with or without them Smile

OP posts:
Calamityboo · 18/05/2012 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca · 18/05/2012 23:17

I suspect they'll turn up in the end