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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off with my DH about this?

109 replies

NotAChild · 16/05/2012 08:19

my DH earns around £150k p.a. I am on mat leave, but when I'm not I work part time, bringing in a whopping £14k.

As I no longer have a salary, my DH gives me an 'allowance' of £200pm to spend on whatever I like. We have a joint account which I use for food shopping, DCs needs etc, anything outside of normal expenditure I must use my 'allowance' for, i.e. Clothes, make up, nights out (ha ha). DH spends what he wants, when he wants. He is not a big spender but can easily spend three figures on a night out. He says he would discuss a big purchase with me, but never wants to make one so it's not relevant.

I don't resent the amount, but I do resent the fact I have an 'allowance' as I am 27, not 12. AIBU?

OP posts:
ditavonteesed · 16/05/2012 08:22

yanbu, money is shared. doesnt matter how much or how little money is shared. I wouldnt feel at all comfortable with the situation. I am a SAHM and I have always had access to all the money.

squeakytoy · 16/05/2012 08:22

What do you want to spend it on?

I am sure there are plenty of us on here who would like £200 spending money a month to fritter away on clothes and make up...

LaurieFairyCake · 16/05/2012 08:26

Use the joint account - if he complains just tell him that the money is shared in the family.

If he kicks off point out the info on financial abuse in relationships.

Maybe you need to have a conversation about financial planning and investments? Maybe he has an underlying worry about money?

To find that out you need to talk to him.

NeedlesCuties · 16/05/2012 08:26

A little bit U...

I'm sort of in the same boat as you, and the same age! My DH earns a lot, puts money each month into my account for my own spending, the rest stays in joint account for household and DC expenses.

It works for us, as I'm a SAHM and therefore saving us a shedload on nursery fees, plus I like being at home.

What exactly are you pissed off about? Is this just cuz you're on mat leave and feeling a bit vulnerable or something your DH has hinted at?

I'd advise you to prepare your fireproof suit, likely many MNers will be on soon to tell you YAB100%U.

cory · 16/05/2012 08:27

the relevant part is not the size of the sum, squeaky, but that the dh grudges his wife the kind of lifestyle he enjoys

I'd certainly like £200/month spending money, but not so much as I like the feeling that dh cares for me as much as he does for himself

I'd rather have less money but know that dh is a decent person

GrahamTribe · 16/05/2012 08:27

Who paid for your luxuries when you were working? And who paid for the food, mortgage, bills etc?

niceguy2 · 16/05/2012 08:34

I will never understand couples who are married and have children together yet have 'your money' and 'my money'. Especially when the earnings are so vastly different. If you earned something similar then fair enough, each to their own but right now you are like some teenager getting pocket money.

From where I'm standing it's almost like he either doesn't trust you, doesn't want to share with you or he wants to control you. None of them are positives.

Original poster
NotAChild · 16/05/2012 08:38

squeaky I don't want to 'spend' it on anything, I just don't like being told I have an allowance. I haven't had one of those since I was 16 and got my Saturday job. As I say it's not the amount I take issue with.

laurie we have no money worries, we have a large amount of savings and lots of equity in the house. My DH's father did squander all the family finances when he was a child and their home was repossessed so I suspect that has a lot to do with his need for control.

graham I paid for my luxuries and also the nursery fees, DC's clothes etc and half the food shopping. DH took care of the rest.

OP posts:
CallMeAl · 16/05/2012 08:41

How can you be married and him be ten times richer than you? Majorly fucked up IMO.
Tell him you'd get a lot more than that as an allowance if you divorce his stingy arse and take half of everything.

CalmaLlamaDown · 16/05/2012 08:43

Yanbu, should be open and shared, you sound switched on financially so he should trust you

Homebird8 · 16/05/2012 08:48

Have you told him how you feel? I've always had access to the joint account but am terrible at dipping into it but DH will quite happily. Perhaps he hasn't thought through how you might feel about getting an allowance, and just wants to make sure you know you can spend money just on yourself? (Scrabbling for a happy scenario here. I'd never put up with my money and his money - even though he spends way more than me!)

Hyperballad · 16/05/2012 08:50

I don't really see the problem to be honest, you have access to the joint account for everything that is household, kids etc so to me this isn't a trust issue or control issue as suggested by someone.

Isn't this just a case of here is some money for you to dedicate just to yourself. Which many sahm don't get. I think if you need more than £200 a month then ask him for it, if you don't then what's the issue?

£200 a month doesn't sound much on his type of salary, so for me the amount would be more the issue rather than the theory of an allowance.

AKissIsNotAContract · 16/05/2012 08:50

YANBU, money should be shared. He sounds controlling. £200 a month out of earnings of over 7k a month is very little.

startail · 16/05/2012 08:50

YANBU

We've always had a joint account, so long as it's in the black neither of us questions the other about personal or DD related spending.

MrsMangoBiscuit · 16/05/2012 08:53

I think your DH is being a bit U, but he might not realise it. Would he balk if you asked him for more? He might just think he's putting aside money that's purely for you, and assume you'd say if you needed more. Maybe he doesn't realise how incredibly patronising it is to give you an allowance.

FWIW, DH earns a lot more than me too. I only work p/t and look after DD the rest of the time. Our money gets pooled, everything paid for, some to savings and the rest is split equally for spending.

DressDownFriday · 16/05/2012 08:53

What happens if you spend your allowance before the end of the month?

FatherHankTree · 16/05/2012 08:56

What's his overall attitude to spending money like - what I mean is does he scrutinise every penny you spend and demand receipts?

GrahamTribe · 16/05/2012 08:57

"graham I paid for my luxuries and also the nursery fees, DC's clothes etc and half the food shopping. DH took care of the rest."

Then surely -

A. You are better off with £200 clear in your pocket, to be spent as you desire, than 14K gross to spend on half the food shopping, nursery fees and clothing for a growing child and having only what little is left for yourself.

B. Either way you are dependent on your husband. Whether it's an allowance, whether it's easy access, joint or personal accounts, you wouldn't survive on £14K without him.

It really doesn't matter how the money is distributed to you!

The only way, short of a lottery win, bank robbing, divorce or large inheritence, to avoid being dependent on your husband is for you to earn the money yourself via employment. You were dependent on your husband before you went on maternity leave so I don't see the huge difference now.

Amateurish · 16/05/2012 08:57

Really this is something you need to agree when getting married and going on mat leave. You don't have an automatic right to your DH's earnings. It sounds like if you get your maternity pay + £200 pcm net just for yourself you may be better off then when you earned £14k per year and had to pay for nursery fees, half the food and your kids' clothes. Am I right? Who gets child benefit?

CeliaFate · 16/05/2012 08:58

YANBU. You're not being treated like an equal, it sounds as though your financial arrangement is parent/child rather than husband/wife.

I can relate to this in part - I am in a similar financial situation, but dh doesn't give me an allowance as such, he'll transfer money into my account when I tell him I need it.

There's no set amount. One month I may need £100, the next it may be £1000. We've never had a joint bank account, mainly because I am hideously bad at managing money, while dh has a huge fear of being massively in debt (this happened to him when he started his career many years ago - before we got together!)

We do it this way as it works for us. It would horrify many people, but it's our choice.

But you need to tell him this isn't working out for you. Have a joint account for essentials, then a separate account each for luxuries, with a standing order for both of you. Each gets the same amount.

Clytaemnestra · 16/05/2012 08:58

We have a joint account into which we pay out all bills, expenses, food shopping etc etc.

I sat down a little while, organised how much we both get paid (I get paid less ATM as am part time) and how much we had left over after every single joint expense, DD expense or amount into savings was paid. Then I divided that by half, and that was our spending money each so at the moment DH pays proportionally more into the joint account than me. We still retain our own bank accounts and so on, but once the big transfer to the joint account is over we have the same amount of cash for frittering and whatever. We did the same when I was on mat leave and had no income to add to the joint account, DH did it all then we split the rest.

Might be worth suggesting?

StrawberrytallCAKE · 16/05/2012 09:01

Yanbu, partners should be equal.

fuckbucket · 16/05/2012 09:02

I can empathise with your DH, as the daughter of a lovely but feckless man who will never forget the bailiffs taking away the furniture and the house being repossessed. I earn more than DP and find it very difficult to trust him not to spend our money on crap, even tho' he doesn't and I know I'm being a bit irrational.

squeakytoy · 16/05/2012 09:03

As Hyperballad says, you do have access to money and are not expected to use your "allowance" for basic household costs or children related costs.

What do you actually WANT?

Is your husband checking what you spend money from the joint account on?

I am just not seeing the problem. You have a joint account that you use for everyday stuff, and you get £200 of your own to do as you wish with. If you needed more, would he object?

ScarlettAlexandra · 16/05/2012 09:08

i get an allowance for me but its much less than that. it doesn't bother me at all, i would like it to be more but the extra cash pays off "our" mortgage and I'm more than happy with that.

and i have never had a joint account. i don't want one either, (the thought fills me with dread).

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