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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off with my DH about this?

109 replies

NotAChild · 16/05/2012 08:19

my DH earns around £150k p.a. I am on mat leave, but when I'm not I work part time, bringing in a whopping £14k.

As I no longer have a salary, my DH gives me an 'allowance' of £200pm to spend on whatever I like. We have a joint account which I use for food shopping, DCs needs etc, anything outside of normal expenditure I must use my 'allowance' for, i.e. Clothes, make up, nights out (ha ha). DH spends what he wants, when he wants. He is not a big spender but can easily spend three figures on a night out. He says he would discuss a big purchase with me, but never wants to make one so it's not relevant.

I don't resent the amount, but I do resent the fact I have an 'allowance' as I am 27, not 12. AIBU?

OP posts:
CeliaFate · 16/05/2012 10:13

Why don't you see each other during the week?

squeakytoy · 16/05/2012 10:15

I agree, you need to think long term here.

Everytime you go shopping, get cashback. If he doesnt check the receipts, he wont need to know. Put this in a savings account.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 16/05/2012 10:17

He sounds a control freak. And £200 per month for looking after his children is an absolute pittance, and I can see why you feel patronised about it.

Original poster
NotAChild · 16/05/2012 10:17

squeaky definitely a git, serial adulterer (gets worse doesn't it?), but I was besotted. I have reproductive issues so he wanted to start trying ASAP in case it took a long time (it didn't). His mother thinks I am a gold digger (I'm not).

celia nail on the head, work stress very linked...

OP posts:
ItsAPublicForumWhine · 16/05/2012 10:19

Wow, at the start of the thread it seemed he was a fairly decent sort.

Turns out he's a bit of a cunt.

Bad times.

Leave the bastard?

ItsAPublicForumWhine · 16/05/2012 10:19

Everytime you go shopping, get cashback. If he doesnt check the receipts, he wont need to know. Put this in a savings account.

What an awful way to have to live! Shock

squeakytoy · 16/05/2012 10:20

OP, every subsequent post you write makes this situation sound far worse than the initial post, I wont accuse you of drip feeding, but I do take back my first posts and apologise, because I have completely changed my opinion.

He is controlling you, and this sounds like a very shit marriage for you which is not going to get much better.

Your best bet is to start planning a future without him.

Original poster
NotAChild · 16/05/2012 10:20

Argh, I know and believe me I've been thinking the same, but I love him (the idiots refrain, I know) and if he could only be the man he used to be we'd live happily ever after. When I look at it objectively I know it's bad, but when I try to talk to him about it he convinces me I'm in the wrong. This is ridiculous I know, as despite my lowly wage I am quite bright!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 16/05/2012 10:22

PublicForum, I agree an awful way to have to live, but am looking at that as a temporary measure to enable the OP to build up some funds, so that if/when she wants to get away from this man, she is able to, as I cant see him letting her go with any cash until the courts force him to cough up.

Hyperballad · 16/05/2012 10:28

Bless you, it does sound like crisis point. As you revieled more details I imagined you sat alone in tears.

I bet you wonder about his first wife and whether she actually got out at the right time.

He has done amazingly well to be on a salary this good at 32, but that doesn't give you the right to treat you badly.

I also have a partner that has strange mood swings, unapproachable at times, has a strange opinion on money so I have a lot of sympathy for your situation. I still feel like things can change though and I have my limits and boundaries very clear in my mind so if ever he started to make me feel like you do, it'd be over.

Just remember you still have control over your own life and what you want from it, regardless of how he is making you feel.

Floggingmolly · 16/05/2012 10:29

It is quite controlling, but, do you have form for over spending?

empirestateofmind · 16/05/2012 10:30

Something has to change here, this is no way to live OP.

RabidAnchovy · 16/05/2012 10:31

I would quite like £200 a month to spend on me

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 16/05/2012 10:34

Would you still be happy with 'just' £200 though RabidAnchovy if your DH had ten times that to spend on himself, whilst you did all the childcare and housework.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 16/05/2012 10:35

The point is that there should be equality in a relationship.

juneau · 16/05/2012 10:36

YANBU. You're married - all monies should be shared. Unless you have a problem with money, running up debts, etc, in which case I'd understand him limiting you. He sounds controlling TBH.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/05/2012 10:37

" "mercurial" = total selfish cunt"

I fear my cynicism puts an even worse spin on it. I see it as a deliberate strategy; by ensuring the OP is never sure of what response she is going to get, it forces the OP to walk on eggshells, trying not to spark him off again. In short, it is a technique he uses to control her. And my cynicism is somewhat confirmed by her statement from the same post - " I do find him very controlling at times but if I mention it I am told I am being ridiculous, and after he rants for hours I find it easier to agree."

And if you argue most weekends, NotAChild, and you end up sobbing your heart out as a result, it sounds to me as if he is working hard on wearing you (and your resistance) down. Think hard, NotAChild. Do you love him, or do you love the man you thought he was/the man you thought he could be? Because his behaviour is hardly loveable, IMO.

bigbadbarry · 16/05/2012 10:40

The £200 isn't the point though rabid, is it - it is the fact that he gives her an allowance, suggesting that he sees her as, what, an employee? Certainly not an equal partner. It could be £2000 or £20, the principle would be the same.

Original poster
NotAChild · 16/05/2012 10:41

flogging no, no form. Have always managed on whatever I've had. Never had vast amounts of savings but when there's tuppence ha'penny left over it's not easy.

hyper ah, I'm ok. I'm used to it. The hardest bit is spending all week alone with the kids, looking forward to seeing him, and then him being an absolute prick. I do wonder ab

OP posts:
olgaga · 16/05/2012 10:54

Good grief OP I have just read this whole thread, I think you have done really well to put up with it all for so long.

He sounds very, very controlling. I hope you will be able to assert yourself a bit more.

I'd start using the joint account for everything you need - as you say, it's not as if you're being stupid with money and your needs aren't any less important than his or your DC's!

Put your "allowance" away in a savings account, or set up a standing order to buy premium bonds.

I'd try to stop participating in arguments about all the ins and outs of the spending and try to bring it round to wider principles.

When he questions your spending tell him you are using your judgement just as he does, and if he has an issue with any particular purchase you are happy to discuss the necessity for it, but not whether the spending is from your joint finances or the money he gives you for an "allowance".

It doesn't matter who is earning and who is not, or who is earning what. All of your assets are joint assets, all the income is joint income.

PrincessFiorimonde · 16/05/2012 11:02

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. An 'allowance'? Unless you have a serious gambling habit, I can't see how this is anything but treating you as a child. Even if he has concerns over money that date back to his childhood, I can't think this is a healthy way to go on - please talk to him about this and ask him how he'd feel if the boot was on the other foot.

InfiniteFairylights · 16/05/2012 11:09

"if he could only be the man he used to be we'd live happily ever after" Unfortunately, OP, he can't be the man he used to be. That man is the act to reel you in, now that he has you exactly where he wants you, he is showing you his true self. Sorry Sad

dappleton · 16/05/2012 11:16

Sorry,no time to read through all the other posts, so this may be a bit repetitive.
IMO YANBU to feel angry as I can understand how you feel - you've gone from being independant to reling on someone else to say how much you can spend, I think you are BU to be angry with your DH as I don't think he realises the situation you are in (how having an 'allowance' effects you emotionally). However, in light of the fact you are not currently earning an income i'm not sure you have many options other than looking at the situation a bit differently.... rather than seeing it as an allowance see it as seperate money to treat yourself with, it sounds as though all everyday costs are met from your joint account so see this money as that which is put aside just for you to treat yourself with. How is it paid at the moment? perhaps have it transferred directly into your own bank account so it feels more like an income rather than an allowance?

blackeyedsusan · 16/05/2012 11:25

[blatant not read whole thread emotion due to iminnent school run]

yanbu

starrt chaging him for child care etc...

AKissIsNotAContract · 16/05/2012 11:25

The way he used to be might not have been an act. It could be that when you were working he had respect for you and saw you more as his equal. Now you are a SAHM he seems to have lost respect for you, he doesn't seem to value your role.