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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off with my DH about this?

109 replies

NotAChild · 16/05/2012 08:19

my DH earns around £150k p.a. I am on mat leave, but when I'm not I work part time, bringing in a whopping £14k.

As I no longer have a salary, my DH gives me an 'allowance' of £200pm to spend on whatever I like. We have a joint account which I use for food shopping, DCs needs etc, anything outside of normal expenditure I must use my 'allowance' for, i.e. Clothes, make up, nights out (ha ha). DH spends what he wants, when he wants. He is not a big spender but can easily spend three figures on a night out. He says he would discuss a big purchase with me, but never wants to make one so it's not relevant.

I don't resent the amount, but I do resent the fact I have an 'allowance' as I am 27, not 12. AIBU?

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 16/05/2012 09:35

YANBU! £200 for your personal spends seems like very little out of your household income, over and above the patronage aspect. FWIW I'm the breadwinner in our household, I'm self-employed and earn far less than your DH, but I make sure my DH has the same amount of cash as I do to spend on himself every month. And it's more than £200.

I think the MN tenet is that both parties should have by and large the same amount of downtime and the same amount of disposable money. I'm guessing you come off much worse than your husband in both of these things.

Can you talk to him about it? What do you think his response would be?

squeakytoy · 16/05/2012 09:35

How is he restricting your expenditure though? You go shopping, you dont have to account for every penny you spend on the household shop do you?

If you do, then that needs addressing.

What would happen if you told him you were buying something?

Hyperballad · 16/05/2012 09:39

Hang on, your hair cut comes out of the joint account. End of.

I don't believe that he will complain about that!

Your self esteeme has taken a battering hasn't it?

Original poster
NotAChild · 16/05/2012 09:47

hyper I don't feel I can speak to him really, no. It will turn into a massive issue and I will be at fault somehow. I always am.

squeaky he doesn't restrict it per se, but he does check the statement and if I am unable to justify my spending he does get angry.

He is a funny bugger about money. For example, I have a December birthday and I asked for a bit of money to spend in the sales (makes it go further, see - frugal) and he was very generous. However, next thing is he's suggesting I put some of it in our savings. When I pointed out he should have just given me less and put the rest in savings himself, he went mental and it was a pretty miserable birthday.

OP posts:
CallMeAl · 16/05/2012 09:48

Who cares what the legal position is? Any marriage where one spouse has all the money and the other has fuck all is messed up, legal position or not.

And some responses are pathetic.. "I don't have any money so you should be grateful your dh is kind enough to give you a relative pittance"...wtf is that about?

OP, you're on mat leave because you just had HIS baby. And you work part time to look after HIS children? So if you didn't, he would have to do that and not be able to earn the frankly huge wage he does. So demand your share of the spoils and stop putting up with being treated like a child.

squeakytoy · 16/05/2012 09:48

How old is he OP? I am beginning to think I am wrong with my first posts and he does sound too controlling and you have a valid point.

How long have you been together? Was he a high earner already when you met?

AKissIsNotAContract · 16/05/2012 09:50

He doesn't sound very nice at all.

tinkertitonk · 16/05/2012 09:52

OP, you have not told us what you actually want, only that you resent (your very word) the situation.

(1) What do you actually want?

(2) Have you told your DH what you actually want?

(3) The extent and intensity of resentment towards husbands on this forum is disgusting.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/05/2012 09:58

" I want him to stop referring to this money as my 'allowance'. As someone upthread says, it's patronising. He works very long hours so I am on my own with the children from the time they get up until the time they go to bed. I also do all the housework. I make it possible for him to do a job he loves, and I don't deserve to be treated like a child."

I completely agree with this sentiment, and think you should just repeat, repeat, repeat it to him. And as Hully said, don't ask, TELL him that it is changing.

Ever since we got together, DH and I paid both our salaries into our joint account, and paid ourselves 'pocket money' from this account into our personal accounts. Although we earned roughly the same at the start, he now earns considerably more than me. Regardless, we both still get exactly the same pocket money as each other. I couldn't contemplate working any other way. It really doesn't matter what control issues your DH has from his father's behaviour, he cannot justify the current situation.

StillSquiffy · 16/05/2012 09:58

Although this all seems really odd to me I agree that there is no default 'right' way to do this in a relationship.

The key though is that both parties need to discuss and agree whatever arrangements they decide work for them. Which has clearly not happened.

"Let's put £1,500 a month into savings and then you get £200 a month and I get £200 plus another £10 a day to cover lunch and other working-day stuff" is a hell of a lot different that "Here's £200 a month for you, and I decide what we do with the rest of the spare cash"

I couldn't live with a man that did the latter. It makes you a kept woman, not an equal partner.

Original poster
NotAChild · 16/05/2012 09:58

tinker thanks for your generalised views. I want what he has: to be deemed intelligent enough to make sensible decisions about the spending of joint finances, without the need for an 'allowance'. I highly doubt I would spend any more than is apportioned to me now, but it would be nice to feel I am as capable of engaging brain and deciding why is appropriate as my DH.

He is 32, squeaky and we have been together 4 years. I was pg within the first year though. This is his second marriage, my first.

OP posts:
Hyperballad · 16/05/2012 09:59

Yep this is a far bigger problem than it seemed at first to me.

Is he unapproachable about everything or only when it comes to money?

It sounds like it's time to weigh up what is good about this man. Sounds like he/the situation is battering your confidence and self esteem and money or no money that ain't right.

Hyperballad · 16/05/2012 10:03

I don't agree with all this 'telling' advice. I wouldn't want to be 'told' who would?

Indith · 16/05/2012 10:03

The allowance wouldn't bother me, I am a SAHM and we don't have a joint account so I have a monthly allowance from dh for mine and the dcs' needs. What would bother me is that the allowance isn't equal.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/05/2012 10:03

Oops, cross-post with more details from OP!

I really don't like the sound of his attitude - anger etc. I was regarding him as a bit insensitive/inconsiderate/old-fashioned, but that all; sounds a bit controlling and possibly financial abuse.

Original poster
NotAChild · 16/05/2012 10:07

He can be loving and kind, but he is mercurial and can turn on a sixpence. This morning I got shouted at for not getting out of bed immediately with the baby when she woke at 5.30am. I had been up most of the night with her, and for the past few nights with DC1 who is unwell. I do find him very controlling at times but if I mention it I am told I am being ridiculous, and after he rants for hours I find it easier to agree.

OP posts:
Hyperballad · 16/05/2012 10:08

So Not, if you said to your husband in those words, exactly as you have just put to Tinker, he would understand that wouldn't he?

If he dismisses your feeling after putting it as clearly as you just have on here then he has no respect for you what so ever and you probably have some decisions to make.

CallMeAl · 16/05/2012 10:09

He sounds awful. Why are you with him?

CeliaFate · 16/05/2012 10:09

I totally agree with Hyperballad and WhereYouLeftIt - there are deeper issues here. If you can't discuss money without him going mental then how will you ever reach a solution that you're happy with, not that he's imposed upon you?

squeakytoy · 16/05/2012 10:10

I was pg within the first year though. This is his second marriage, my first

Hmmm... you got pregnant before you really had a chance to know him I suspect. Second marriage by the age of 28, so a possible history of either being a git, or getting burnt, either way it is likely to play a part in how he behaves now.

You were on a very low income, he was/is on a very high one. Is he scared that you could be a bit of a gold-digger. (Not for a moment saying that you are, just wondering if he is worried about this).

Was the pregnancy planned or an accident, and does he feel he was trapped by it?

I do think you need to sit him down and have a frank talk with him, because this situation will not resolve itself without that.

CeliaFate · 16/05/2012 10:10

He sounds extremely stressed - is he always like this or do his mood swings alter according to how well work is going?

Hullygully · 16/05/2012 10:11

"mercurial" = total selfish cunt

Original poster
NotAChild · 16/05/2012 10:12

hyper I think it would entirely depend on his mood, but I have put it quite succinctly there (typos aside) so I will try that. I think things are reaching crisis point as we argue most weekends (don't see each other in the week), usually resulting in me sobbing my heart out, and I don't really want to live like this anymore. Something has to give.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 16/05/2012 10:12

I'd get access to the joint acct, get as much money as possible, hide it away and then RUN LIKE THE WIND

QuickLookBusy · 16/05/2012 10:13

He sounds awful.

He shouts at you, controls your money, gets so ranty that you would rather agree with what he wants to save more rants.

Sorry but you shouldn't be putting up with this.