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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off with my DH about this?

109 replies

NotAChild · 16/05/2012 08:19

my DH earns around £150k p.a. I am on mat leave, but when I'm not I work part time, bringing in a whopping £14k.

As I no longer have a salary, my DH gives me an 'allowance' of £200pm to spend on whatever I like. We have a joint account which I use for food shopping, DCs needs etc, anything outside of normal expenditure I must use my 'allowance' for, i.e. Clothes, make up, nights out (ha ha). DH spends what he wants, when he wants. He is not a big spender but can easily spend three figures on a night out. He says he would discuss a big purchase with me, but never wants to make one so it's not relevant.

I don't resent the amount, but I do resent the fact I have an 'allowance' as I am 27, not 12. AIBU?

OP posts:
JeffTracy · 16/05/2012 09:09

YABU

GnocchiNineDoors · 16/05/2012 09:12

My DH earns what you do, OP, and I earn only a fraction more than him. I am now on Mat Leave and we still (have always had) a joint account where we take what we need out of it. We have an 'allowance' of £50 each per week which we use if we want to spend on individual treats.

Would your DH possibly agree to you both having an agreed weekly allowance?

Btw, I don't understand how people can live together, marry and have kids but not share their money.

relativity · 16/05/2012 09:15

You are a team. You should both have the same amount of personal spending money. Decide how much you have to devote to clothes/drinks/ meals out etc, divide it by two and each have that amount transferred into a personal account each month. It makes no difference that your DH is earning the money outside the home - he is only able to do that because you are at home having and caring for his DC. Your earnings will probably never have a chance to rise to his levels because you are making the "Mummy compromise" and I bet my bottom dollar that when you are back at work and there is an emergency (DC sick or something) then you will be the one expected to let down your employer/ leave early for nursery pick up etc thus further condemning your career.

Lay down your cards now before this gets worse. You are a unit and money coming into the home should be allocated fairly ie equally.
YANBU!!

NoWayNoHow · 16/05/2012 09:16

YANBU, it doesn't matter how much her DH earns, or how much the "allowance" is that he's letting you have

The issue is that it's a JOINT account and he's restricting her expenditure, which is just an underhanded way of saying, "You are a feckless, stupid woman who can't be trusted to be responsible with money, whilst I, as a clever man, don't require a limited allowance because I am naturally sensible and can therefore spend what I like."

ItsAPublicForumWhine · 16/05/2012 09:18

Btw, I don't understand how people can live together, marry and have kids but not share their money.

I do, it's perfectly reasonable to have one bills account that you "put" into, and then the rest of what you earn it's up to you what you spend it on.

I don't think there's any unreasonable-ness going on for the OP, as she gets £200 "play" money every month, and from what she's said could easily ask for more and get it. The bills are taken care of and they have equity and savings.

Don't get the issue at all.

StillSquiffy · 16/05/2012 09:18

Blimey.

So am I right in that the mthly take home is £7,000 ish, then the household bills take up a percentage of that (How much?).

If the bills come to £5,000, then there's a 'spare' an amount of £2,000. So are you saying that of the spare amount (whatever it is) you get £200, and he keeps the rest (maybe £1,800) to spend as he likes?

What is the exact split here? I think it's key to the discussion. If he's retaining something like 90% of the spoils then you have a serious relationship issue. If the amount left over is much less then I reckon he is just being cautious (which is understandable if you are on ML). Even so it's not nice to be 'told' what to do and pretty odd in a marriage IMO.

ItsAPublicForumWhine · 16/05/2012 09:19

He's not restricting her expenditure as she has access to the joint account as well as her "allowance".

Hullygully · 16/05/2012 09:21

FFS

You are a partnership.

His work is valued at 150k pa

Yours is valued at 2,400 pa

er....

Hullygully · 16/05/2012 09:21

An ALLOWANCE

Do you live in Stepford?

Original poster
NotAChild · 16/05/2012 09:23

squeaky I want him to stop referring to this money as my 'allowance'. As someone upthread says, it's patronising. He works very long hours so I am on my own with the children from the time they get up until the time they go to bed. I also do all the housework. I make it possible for him to do a job he loves, and I don't deserve to be treated like a child.

amateur and graham yes, I probably am better off now that I was before DC2 came along. I absolutely am not better off than I was before DCs when I worked full time plus overtime in a job I enjoyed. I just don't like the way he has total control over finances. Even the mortgage is in his name. I actually have only about £5k to my name (legal implications of marriage aside) whereas he has six figures.

OP posts:
ItsAPublicForumWhine · 16/05/2012 09:23

It sounds like the OP's H would be open to a chat about the amount of allowance etc anyway. If she's a problem then chat about it.

Doesn't sound like a dragon to me.

QuickLookBusy · 16/05/2012 09:24

If he was only giving hiimself £200 per month to spend, I could understand his "excuse" being that he is tight with money because of FIL frittering away money.

The fact he is "giving" you £200 and then he is spending way more than that tells me he is a selfish, tight, mean man.

You need to have a very frank discussion.

leelteloo · 16/05/2012 09:24

I wish there was just a tiny bit of money set aside for me every month. As it stands I manage a monthly household budget and if I need clothes or make up I have to weigh up need as there is not the money for anything other than food, fuel and family essentials. I would be really chuffed if my dh prioritised my personal needs like yours does op. don't see it as an allowance, just separate so it doesn't get used up on nappies.

ItsAPublicForumWhine · 16/05/2012 09:25

You've said yourself OP there are reasons why your DH feels the way he does re:finance, have you brought it up?

Hullygully · 16/05/2012 09:25

And the mortgage is in his name...?

He is treating you like one of the children.

Where are your wages for your work? (see above)

Why is what you do valued at so little?

Do the old cost analysis of nanny + hosekeeper etc etc

Hullygully · 16/05/2012 09:25

housekeeper even

Original poster
NotAChild · 16/05/2012 09:25

"The issue is that it's a JOINT account and he's restricting her expenditure, which is just an underhanded way of saying, "You are a feckless, stupid woman who can't be trusted to be responsible with money, whilst I, as a clever man, don't require a limited allowance because I am naturally sensible and can therefore spend what I like."

This is exactly how it feels.

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 16/05/2012 09:26

Can you get back into your old job OP? Childcare costs should be paid by both of you and you could afford a cleaner. He doesn't seem to respect you as a SAHM and it doesn't seem likely that his opinion will change.

ItsAPublicForumWhine · 16/05/2012 09:27

Tell him then. Get your name put on the accounts/mortgage/bills whatever.

DO something about it.

Hullygully · 16/05/2012 09:29

But don't ask.

TELL him as one adult to another that the situation is completely unacceptable and you want it redressed so that the relationship is an equal one between two adults.

diddl · 16/05/2012 09:30

Does he actually give you the money, or tell you that you may only spend 200GBP per month?

If you also have access to the joint account then I´m not sure what the problem is tbh.

If he gives you the money, tell him to stop & you´ll take out what you need as & when.

Original poster
NotAChild · 16/05/2012 09:31

itsapublicforum I have brought it up, he just somehow talks his way out of it. I don't really know how, he can be quite evasive when he wants to be. Plus, as a lot of people said I'm not badly off so it feels odd to complain. It was just when I asked if he would watch the DC while I have my hair cut this weekend, and then started worrying about the cost as I have lost weight so have spent more on clothes lately, I started thinking 'hang about, I shouldn't be fretting when we are at least £2.5k in the black every month'.

OP posts:
ItsAPublicForumWhine · 16/05/2012 09:33

You aren't badly off, but that's not the point.

I like Hully's advice in terms of telling rather than asking.

Amateurish · 16/05/2012 09:34

All these posters saying "YANBU - all money should be joint" or whatever are missing the point. That may be their experience of their partnerships, but this is by no means the default or only way in which finances are managed in a relationship. Legally, a person has no right to share the earnings of their spouse. It is however something that should be discussed and agreed when people get married.

Hyperballad · 16/05/2012 09:34

So how would you like it to be OP? What changes do you want? Work this out, be clear within yourself on what needs to change for you not to feel this way, then speak to him.

We are not mind readers, your husband can be forgiven for not realising how you feel if you haven't told him.

But only speak to him once you are clear in your own head what needs to change. Then hopefully solutions can be sorted together.

Do you feel you can't speak to him?