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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect a teacher to respect my wishes that my child does not play with a bully

94 replies

nofunanymore · 10/05/2012 23:12

My ds had major problems with another child last year. The child in question is a bully and very domineering. After a big blow up last year I told my ds not to play with the child in question. All was fine but now a year on the bully's parents have complained to the school that their child has no friends and wants to play with my child and so the teacher has told my ds he MUST play with said child. Surely you can't FORCE someone to play with another child, especially given the circumstances.

OP posts:
cece · 10/05/2012 23:14

Does the teacher know about last year's bullying?

5318008 · 10/05/2012 23:14

how old please

Original poster
nofunanymore · 10/05/2012 23:16

Yes teacher knows. Aged 9.

OP posts:
BananasInBloomers · 10/05/2012 23:20

Well its not off the ground the bully licked it. Go in and tell them that your ds does not want to be forced into playing with this particular child.

cece · 10/05/2012 23:20

I think a quick word with the teacher then, just to pint out that it really is not appropriate.

Debeez · 10/05/2012 23:23

My DS(8) had this last year, an older girl (11) who was physically bigger took a shine to him and they kept sitting him with her at school plays and events as he kept her quiet. She had someone to rag around basically. They were told on no uncertain terms my son wasn't a cheap alternative to supervision for this girl and he didn't desire her company and I wasn't going to allow him to tolerate it for their benefit. YANBU.

fluffypillow · 10/05/2012 23:28

How odd. Children should be left to make their own friends, and not pushed into friendships they are not comfortable with. I'd have a word with this Teacher, and explain the situation.

ToTheFarSideOfFuck · 10/05/2012 23:28

Bananas, what does 'well its not off the ground the bully licked it' mean?

Original poster
nofunanymore · 10/05/2012 23:29

Will call teacher tomorrow, but just wanted to check I'm within my rights. To be honest, I can hardly believe it - the injustice of it. DS is very sensitive and hates to be told off. I know he will want to do as his teacher has told him, so I can't believe his interests have been trounced!

OP posts:
lunamoon · 10/05/2012 23:31

YANBU.
Have a word with the teacher and tell them that your child will not be playing with this child.
Write a letter if you think it will help, rather than rely on having to say out loud what you feel.
This is totally not on for either the bully's parents or the teacher to make any child play with someone they do not want to.

iloveACK · 10/05/2012 23:33

Id speak to the teacher & say that's not on at all. Children of that age should be making their own friends & certainly not forced to play with someone who bullied them. I'd be fuming personally Angry

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 10/05/2012 23:33

YANBU

DD2 has had a problem with a girl in her class who has repeatedly hit her and tried to bully her. I told DD to stay away from this girl and spoke to her teacher and said I wanted them separated in all groups/lessons/carpet times etc and she was happy to oblige.

Debeez, that's ridiculous of the school, you did the right thing going in to speak to them about it

iloveACK · 10/05/2012 23:34

Sorry x posted. Hope it goes well with the teacher.

Sparks1 · 10/05/2012 23:38

No child should be told let alone forced to be friends with another child.

But seriously, your child hates to be told off?!

What child likes to be told off!? Sorry but you're enabling the sensitive nature.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 10/05/2012 23:40

I think I would send a letter;

'Dear Teacher

Just to clarify that I do not wish my son to be told to play with X due to X bullying him in the past. I have told DS to stay away from X and I trust that he will not be told to play with him again'

Softlysoftly · 10/05/2012 23:45

Yanbu to expect a teacher not to force your child into playing with someone, YABU if you expect teacher to actively stop them.

Kids should be left to choose their own friends and unless they have to step in to police bullying they shouldn't be forcing/forcing them not to be with a particular child.

TheCrackFox · 10/05/2012 23:47

YANBU

I know the bully is only 9 but he/she has to learn that there are consequences to his/her behaviour - no friends.

Tell the teacher that your child will not be playing with the bully.

Original poster
nofunanymore · 10/05/2012 23:47

Thanks for all your comments. I spoke to last year's teacher and he was great about it, very supportive. I wonder if teacher this year is less experienced. Either that or can't say no to his bullying parents! ACK yes, am furious as well as incredulous!

OP posts:
GingerBlondecat · 11/05/2012 04:33

This must be a common problem, I remember a post just like this on BBC US.

( marking my spot for update to what the teacher says)

GingerBlondecat · 11/05/2012 04:34

Or it might have been a Miss Manners spin off forum.

DronesClub · 11/05/2012 04:59

Definitely has to be a word with the teacher to also clarify what exactly has been said
IDid the teacher say 'you MUST play with X' or did they say something like 'X is lonely and would like to be friends, can he join in...' big difference - but I can see how your child would take the second as being an order particularly if he doesn't like to upset the teacher and is sensitive about being told off and this particular boy.

NicNocJnr · 11/05/2012 05:07

YANBU - Although fairly possible these parents are boors the onus should have been put on them to work with the school to improve their child's behaviour. He has no friends for a reason. It does the bully no favours to be enabled. The school should be looking out for his best interests as well and that involves honest reporting of the fact to his parents that they need to sort their house out (couched in the correct manner obviously).

Secondly althought I have fairly robust kids I would be actually furious if, without consultation, any one of them were 'made' to play with a bully. Making and breaking friendships are all part of childhood - but no teacher is taking the responsibility away from me, the parent, in the case of forcing interaction. What has happened is a teacher has overridden your decision - in his best interests you advised him to stay away. I would be ok with it if one of mine was being silly and excluding another then yes they should be pulled up on that straight away but not in a case of bullying.

I wonder if there has been a misscommunication? Although ready to get on my high horse and dish out some righteous indignation I would want to go through everything with the teacher and make sure I was on the same page. Discuss it, see what the response is, if it has all got a bit skewed explian to DC he's got it squiffy, if it isn't wrong then explain to teacher why you don't appreciate it.

EdithWeston · 11/05/2012 05:29

Before you let guns blaze - how do you know what other child's parents said to the teacher? Or the state of the other boy's friendships?

I suspect miscommunication somewhere.

And you don't say whether your DC likes playing with this boy. It's been a year since the bad behaviour. There is no reason to damn a child forever because of what they were like when they were 7ish.

seeker · 11/05/2012 05:59

Are you saying that your son is never allowed to play with this child ever again?

How does your son feel about befrending him?

Who did you hear about this from?

BenjiAndTheTigers · 11/05/2012 06:19

Exclusion is also a form of bullying and discrimination.

Maybe this child has learnt his lesson and it is worth your DS befriending this child and seeing how it goes.

If the child is still being a bully then you can then say that at least your DS gave it a go.