Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

AIBU to expect a teacher to respect my wishes that my child does not play with a bully

94 replies

nofunanymore · 10/05/2012 23:12

My ds had major problems with another child last year. The child in question is a bully and very domineering. After a big blow up last year I told my ds not to play with the child in question. All was fine but now a year on the bully's parents have complained to the school that their child has no friends and wants to play with my child and so the teacher has told my ds he MUST play with said child. Surely you can't FORCE someone to play with another child, especially given the circumstances.

OP posts:

merrymouse · 11/05/2012 06:42

"now a year on the bully's parents have complained to the school that their child has no friends and wants to play with my child and so the teacher has told my ds he MUST play with said child."

It is appropriate that the school would be trying to help this child make friends, whether or not the bully's parents complained to the school. (Presumably you don't have access to information re: the bully's parent's conversations with the school).

Also, 'MUST play' is a little vague. It could mean 'must be best friends with this child and do everything with them', which would be unreasonable, or it could mean 'get along with this child and not exclude them from general playground games', or does it mean 'sometimes in class you will be in the same group'?

Having said all of that, if your child is unhappy, you should talk to their teacher. However, I would want to understand the teacher's point of view before going in all guns blazing.

seeker · 11/05/2012 06:49

Just to say that one of my dd's very best friends at 16 is the child who bullied her horribly at 8.

The reason this child could bully so effectively was that they were very alike and she could very easily push dd's buttons.

I'm not saying that this is likely, or even common, but it is worth remembering that children change and grow- the "bully" may be a different child now.

Having said that, of course nobody should be forced to play with anyone. But find out what was actually said before you get too cross. And go and actually talk to the teacher, don't send notes or emails.

seeker · 11/05/2012 06:53

Oh, and "must play" could mean "must not leave out". If your ds is organising a game, for example, he can't say "Not you, x, you can't join in"

Different from saying that your ds must actually initiate playing with X, or join in with his game if he doesn't want to.

It's a minefield!

catsareevil · 11/05/2012 06:54

Probably better to ask the teacher exactly what was said before going in all guns blazing.

exoticfruits · 11/05/2012 07:02

I would just keep out of it, your DC is 9years, they can't be forced into a friendship. Just let them carry on making their own friendships. They don't have to be unfriendly, just don't get involved. Is it a very small school?

exoticfruits · 11/05/2012 07:03

Cross posted with seeker who sounds sensible.

NorfolkNChance · 11/05/2012 07:47

Another thing to consider is that children can be their own worst enemies. I have lost count of the amount of times I have said to children in my form to stay away from each other if they can't get on and to report to me if anything happens.

They spend the day glued to each other's side, leave school laughing and charting with each other and then the next morning I get a letter/phone call about how A has bullied B all day yesterday and what am I going to do about it?

Find out what the teacher has said first is my advice and reinforce to your DS that he should not play with this boy.

NorfolkNChance · 11/05/2012 07:47

Charting = chatting

DarrowbyEightFive · 11/05/2012 07:56

And with kids this young I think it's a majorly bad idea to be labelling anyone as 'the bully' in the way you have done. This was a kid who was bullying people a year back and had to be told that this was not appropriate behaviour. Label the behaviour not the child. Not having friends this year is a natural consequence of that bad behaviour - of course you can't force kids to be friends and play with each other in their free playground time. But if you keep on calling this kid 'the bully' you are reinforcing this label to your own DS, who might otherwise be willing to play with someone who has since turned over a new leaf.

There was a girl in DD1's class who got a bit of a playground bullying reputation when she was 7. Turns out her father was an abusive alcoholic and her mother was in the process of leaving him - the bullying was the only way she could control the situation. She was told very firmly by the school it was wrong and changed her character totally (also helped that her mum found a safe flat nowhere near the dad). She's now one of DD1's best friends.

CupOfBrownJoy · 11/05/2012 08:04

Agree with Norfolk on this one.

I have two boys in my class, boy 1 does pick on boy 2 to be honest, but boy 2 won't leave boy 1 alone! So then boy 2's parents come in and complain that boy 1 is bullying boy 2, but what can I do if boy 2 seeks out boy 1's approval all the time?

I cannot physically keep them apart.

I also have a group who are ALWAYS falling in and out with each other. I can't keep up. Occasionally the parents come to me and have a moan, but if its girl A who is excluding others one week, it'll be girl A who is being excluded the next.

I don't see what I can do in this situation. They have to work it out amongst themselves and meanwhile I do what I can to encourage everyone to play together kindly.

Whatmeworry · 11/05/2012 08:34

Kids should be left to make their own friends, no one should be forced to play with someone they don't want to - and told off to boot - especially if there was previously bullying.

Teacher is way out of line.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 11/05/2012 08:36

Benji exclusion or not, there are better ways to help a child make friends and forcing one child to be his friend is not it....cupofbrown points out correctly that things are often more complex than we assume.

My own DD had a small stalker when she was 5 and this child WAS a friend but also pulled my DD around and dragged her physically from other kids...the teacher's job is to help the child who is NOT fitting in to learn social skills...

fuckarama · 11/05/2012 08:36

I agree wtih Seeker.

I'd go in and talk to the teacher and get the whole story before you go off on one.

exoticfruits · 11/05/2012 09:03

I agree with Norfolk, times without mention they can't leave each other alone. That is why asked about the size of the school, in a small one it is impossible to avoid. I would get the full story before you get involved.

GrahamTribe · 11/05/2012 09:08

Watch the parents, they might be far more the problem than the teacher or bullying child. We had this situation, I told DC to keep away from two particular children (siblings) because of their behaviour and assaults upon my DC by the mother. The next thing I knew the mother was in the school insisting to the teacher that my DC played with hers.

Some people just love a drama and a bit of attention and this could be the parent/s way of getting it. Personally, I'm damned if I'd pander to it and I would be even more insistant that the aggressive child is kept well away from mine and make it clear that I'd escalate the complaint if my child continued to be put under pressure to deal with a bully.

Mrsjay · 11/05/2012 09:23

perhaps the teacher thought it may calm the situation down , every kid needs a friend even bullies , saying if your son is really not happy to be playing hanging about with this boy then no they cant force him , did teacher say HE MUST PLAY . or suggest they play together , speak to the teacher to find out

Mrsjay · 11/05/2012 09:23

lardylump · 11/05/2012 09:30

if your child is being forced to do anything then that is bullying. either by the teacher or the child.

encouraged to play with is different... do you not believe in rehabilitation, does the bully not deserve the chance to change and prove they are no longer a bully?

I'd be kind and supportive of both the children, but if there were any bullying instances i would step in.

imogengladheart · 11/05/2012 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EdithWeston · 11/05/2012 09:37

I agree with Norfolk, but would expand her advice to "Find out what the teacher has said first is my advice and reinforce to your DS that he should not play with this boy unless he wants to "

The bullying may well be firmly all in the past now, and it is just as misplaced and controlling to insist on no contact against your DS's wishes as it would be to insist on them being together.

squidworth · 11/05/2012 09:55

I would be more annoyed that the teacher discusses with children what parents say to him/her. Could your ds be playing with boy and telling you that the teacher has told him to because he knows you won't let him. I have never told my dc's not to play with anyone, at primary level i have told them to speak to teacher or I have had a queit word with teacher. A bully at 8 should not be seen as a lifelong tag.

samandi · 11/05/2012 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

seeker · 11/05/2012 10:59

What a repulsive post, samandi.

samandi · 11/05/2012 11:08

Why, because I'm taking the piss out of a bully? Or because I'm advocating that the bully in question is actually encouraged to learn to interact with other kids in a non-bullying way?

seeker · 11/05/2012 11:11

Because you are talking about a child who may have been a bully a year ago. When he was 8.

Flip

1 2 3 4