AIBU to expect a teacher to respect my wishes that my child does not play with a bully

[nofunanymore]

My ds had major problems with another child last year. The child in question is a bully and very domineering. After a big blow up last year I told my ds not to play with the child in question. All was fine but now a year on the bully's parents have complained to the school that their child has no friends and wants to play with my child and so the teacher has told my ds he MUST play with said child. Surely you can't FORCE someone to play with another child, especially given the circumstances.

Because of the language you used to describe a 9 year old.

Once a bully always a bully IMO.

The children in my 14 year old DD's school year that were bossy, pushy, rude bullies at nursery are still bullies and ringleaders now in year 9

" and so the teacher has told my ds he MUST play with said child."

Are you sure that is exactly what the teacher said ?] Very strange to pick one child to be forced into being a playmate. Regardless of history.

Perhaps it was along the lines of 'X is a bit lonely, it would be nice if someone would include him in their games'?

I still think it was more likely "you mustn't leave X out when you organise group games"

"Once a bully, always a bully IMO"

Well then your O is a very misinformed one.

Bullying is something that happens in a social context.

Most people are capable of acting like bullies given the right circumstances.

Last year a 7 year old child was a bully.

This year an 8 year old child is lonely and excluded.

There is something very wrong with parents intervening to have a child socially stigmatised at school.

OP - you need to talk to the teacher to find out what is really going on. It doesn't sound like you have an accurate account of what has happened.

Obviously your son should not be pressured to be friendly towards a child he was bullied by in the past.

AThing, as I said, the children that were bullies when DD was at nursery are still the same now over 10 years later.

Not misinformed at all thanks, just stating the facts

Out of interest what would you do if your child was bullied at school and forced to play with the child?

Whilst I agree with Hex (same thing with my dd - the bullies at primary are still bullies at high school) - a child of 8 does need to be given positive peer role models. How else is the bully going to learn to get along with people?

However, no child should be forced to play with someone and I really doubt the OP's ds was. Most likely a 'why don't you play with X' misinterpreted.

Yes, your world. The one where we label children at the age of 8- or younger-and give them no opportunity to change.

I haven't labelled anyone seeker. I have just stated that the children that acted like bullies over 10 years ago still act like bullies now. So yes, they deserve their bully labels IMO.

I wouldn't want my child to be forced to play with a bully. I tell my children to give unkind, unpleasant children a wide berth, just as I give unkind, unpleasant adults a wide berth myself. Who in their right mind would want to condone their child being hit, shouted at, bossed around and excluded each day by a bully? Certainly not me.

"Once a bully, always a bully"

That's not labelling? You are saying that if a child is a bully at 8-or younger- they will be a bully for ever

I think that seeker is probably right when she suggests that "must play with" is likely to mean"mustn't leave out". And that you should talk to the teacher and not communicate in writing.

I'm with seeker and Benji on this one.

Go and speak directly to the teacher. Find out exactly what is going on. It could be the situation described above, that your DS is having to exclude this boy from games because he's not allowed to play with him. That would mean the boy himself is suffering a type of bullying.

But...if they do want the boy to play, there must be strict supervision in the playground, and regular reviews on the boy's behaviour.

What I have noticed about bullying, is it can be a flexible thing. Although some bullies are always bullies, sometimes its friends who fall out etc. My sister and a girl at school seemed to spend ages 10-15 being either bullied or bullying each other (sister admits this with enormous shame)

And shame on the poster who called an 8 year old 'scum'.

'They were told on no uncertain terms my son wasn't a cheap alternative to supervision for this girl and he didn't desire her company and I wasn't going to allow him to tolerate it for their benefit'

I like that approach. Says very firmly that you feel that the issue here is with their lack of dealing with a pastoral care issue - puts the ball back in their court and adds a new dimension for them to think about - that they are failing in their duty of care towards your son.

'That's not labelling? You are saying that if a child is a bully at 8-or younger- they will be a bully for ever'

As I said, this is my experience of the children my DD is at school with. They have had bullying tendencies since the age of 3 or 4. I think at 14 we're allowed to give them a bullying label are we not? Or is no one ever to be labelled a bully and bullying is just expression of character?

I don't believe in telling children who they can and cannot play with.

I would tell my child to not play with someone if they were being bullied by them, but as a means of avoiding the issue iyswim. But there is IMO a difference between that and blatantly demanding your child not play with someone.

I also wonder what form the bullying actually took, because bullying is a very emotive word that covers a lot of ground. The op said this child was very domineering, and also said that her child is hyper sensitive and doesn't like being told off. Could it be that this child is just very bossy/has a domineering personality, and while that in itself can be rather unpleasant is on a whole different level to sustained, nasty bullying iyswim.

Everyone has the capasity to bully others. It is unfortunately a human trate where people single out those who are weaker. It's not pleasant, but everyone will have been unpleasant to someone else at some point in their lives. To brand someone with that for life achieves nothing.

I highly doubt that this teacher has specifically said that your child needs to play with this child, and would be more inclined to think that it's a case of not wanting the child excluded as he is now and trying to encourage that.

Of course it's right to call a bully a bully. While they re being a bully. But assuming that if a child behaves in a bullying way when they re 8' they are bully forever is absurd.

Some excellent words and some truly shocking attitudes in this thread.
No wonder some children bully when their mothers are so vicious............

I quite agree seeker - label the behaviour, not the child....

"AThing, as I said, the children that were bullies when DD was at nursery are still the same now over 10 years later.

Not misinformed at all thanks, just stating the facts."

You seem to be struggling with the concept of "facts".

It is a fact (albeit an arguable one) that the children that were bullies when your DD was at nursery (really? Bullies at the age of 3?) are still bullies 10 years later.

That fact does not allow you to induce that any child who is once a bully will always be a bully.

One is a fact, and the other is a massive, illogical generalisation.

Seeker, this is genuine and not meant as sarcasm, am I right in thinking that you're giving a professional POV rather than just a personal one (or have I got you mixed up with another poster)?

Why would I think that was sarcastic? I did a PGCE 30 years ago if that's what you mean. And up to date counselling qualifications- but nothing relevant. Why?