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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Could you live with your MIL for 6 months for the greater good ?

149 replies

Mosman · 06/05/2012 16:18

The jist is she's a funny old goat, set in her ways etc.

She's actually very self sufficient, not really suited to marriage or children and so is happy in her own company and will just do her own thing.
This may or may not be an advantage in the situation.

The scenario is this. We are planning to move to Sydney, I have a great job opportunity, we have friends out there and hubby and I are very keen as are the children.
MIL has gone from having a tantrum about not going to having a tantrum about us leaving her behind.
So I've said she can come because I am thinking a) it'll be a god awful flight for her, she's never been on a plane for more than 5 hours and certainly not with lots of children. She'll not enjoy that experience at all. b) if she comes out and hates it, there's every chance she'll never come out again. We will skype and visit her of course but I'm thinking 6 months of pain to never have to repeat the experience again.
She has been hankering after living with us for 5 years but the truth is it wouldn't work, nobody can afford the size of house required to make it happen and chances are her health will deteriorate and neither DH or I are qualified to look after her in disposition or inclination tbh.

Does this sound like a plan ?

OP posts:

Original poster

Mosman · 07/05/2012 11:46

Really I was under the impression if you started to cost them money youd be packed off home ASAP

OP posts:

Dawnywoo · 07/05/2012 11:52

On paper, I couldn't do it. I need my space. Difficult situation though and I prepare myself mentally sometimes for what the future may bring.

Good Luck

Dropdeadfred · 07/05/2012 18:40

How could they pack a 75 year old sick woman off home when she will claim there is no one left in uk to help her?

Original poster

Mosman · 07/05/2012 18:48

I'd provide them with evidence of her three other children

But actually you have to have more of your children in oz than out to be able to stay and also come from a country that has no welfare state, so that's not the UK, that's renowned world wide for the soft touch it is. She'd be on the next plane.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 07/05/2012 19:20

Save the money and tell her straight you don't want her to go.

DublinMammy · 07/05/2012 19:21

My best guess - she will wreck your head and ruin your first months in Oz and cause unbearable strain on your relationship. And she sounds like she doesn't deserve to go with you. Jettison her.

RandomMess · 07/05/2012 19:28

So she has 3 other dc in the UK, tell her to stay here and let them help out.

RandomMess · 07/05/2012 19:31

MIL it isn't going to work. End of.

Original poster

Mosman · 07/05/2012 19:42

They wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire tbh.

OP posts:

Inertia · 07/05/2012 19:49

Your plan is akin to repeatedly hitting yourself over the head with a frying pan because it'll be a relief when you stop.

Don't even consider taking her with you. By the time you get to breathe a sigh of relief that she's gone, the start to your new life will have been wrecked.

AKMD · 07/05/2012 19:52

Just don't take her with you, she sounds awful

I would love my MIL to live with us for six months because she is an absolute star. I wouldn't have yours move in for so much as six weeks though!

CamperFan · 07/05/2012 19:54

That story is awful OP, your poor DH . Re: your current plan - It sounds like a Very Bad Idea, imo. I don't think you should feel guilty about not taking her, I assume that you do feel a huge amount of guilt by leaving? You really shouldn't.

I also think your DH should be having more of the conversations with her, rather than you?

Good luck with the whole move!

RandomMess · 07/05/2012 19:57

If you can't tell her then write and explain you have both thought long and hard about it and in no way can it work, you have your lives to lead she has hers. When you are next in the UK you will be happy to come and visit her.

blondiedollface · 07/05/2012 20:06

I'd never subject anyone to living with a chain-smoking sponger. Let alone myself so no. Not for any reason, ever.

EdlessAllenPoe · 07/05/2012 20:10

if she is planning an independent trip- maybe it would be worth paying flights only and perhaps a hotel for the first week. then she can bugger off round Oz as she plans without inconveniencing you and forcing any more expensive/limiting decisions on you.

if she wants to live with you but can't bear childrens noise, that's a bit of a no-no, its not going to work....

would that stop your DH feeling guilty?

my limit on my own MIl is about a long weekend, but that's a different can of worms..

Original poster

Mosman · 07/05/2012 20:20

She's not mentioned a trip to Oz until we announced our decision.
She may well want to explore but I suspect it'll be after she's settled in with us first.
I like the writing to her idea, from the airport !!!

OP posts:

TheSecondComing · 07/05/2012 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EdlessAllenPoe · 07/05/2012 20:25

i don't think it would be at all wise to let her settle in at all....

sunnydelight · 08/05/2012 00:32

Having read the rest of the info you've given I'm not sure why you're even considering it!!! Mosman is gorgeous but everyone I know who started off there ended up moving for extra space. I have also heard stories of Mosman public school refusing 457 visa holders places, but that might have been "out of catchment" kids. Are you thinking private schools? Around there most people will be doing private high schools - you might not give a rats ass about it but believe me you will hear a lot of connversations about schools and property!

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 08/05/2012 00:38

If I had to share a house with my MIL, i would last precisely one day before I smothered the old trout with a pillow!

Morloth · 08/05/2012 00:44

We do like to talk about property, its true.

As sunnydelight says check out the school situation before you move. I had friends who had a hell of a time getting their kids into their local because they had only just rented their house after moving from London. They are in Hunters Hill, which is also very nice but also quite a desirable area so tricky.

We considered the north shore on our return from London, but I just couldn't do it. From way out west originally and I would have felt like a class traitor.

I can highly recommend the Hills. However, there is a 40 minute (on a nice bus though) commute to the City.

Excellent schools, daycare etc though and lots lots lots cheaper than the north shore.

Where are you sunnydelight?

cjdamoo · 08/05/2012 00:58

No way on earth. I lived with my MIl for 3 weeks when we moved to Australia. (They live here) Longest 3 weeks of my life.

sunnydelight · 08/05/2012 01:04

Love the "class traitor" Morloth! Bit like the Dublin Northside/Southside divide. You won't want to know me then, we're in North Turramurra. DH wanted the train line which restricted us somewhat and we needed to be on one of the school bus routes as the kids' school is over towards the beaches.

Morloth · 08/05/2012 02:07

Oh no, I get on well with pretty much everyone. Got friends in Turramurra. Happy in a cocktail dress or by the 44 gallon drum fire.

We looked at so many houses on the North Shore and I just couldn't figure out what my problem was, I just couldn't settle.

You can take the girl out of the Druitt but you can't take the Druitt out of the girl.

It was very odd having a culture shock for my own Country/City we didn't feel like we 'belonged' anywhere. Too Posh for the western suburbs and too feral for the north shore.

So the Hills are just perfect. Just the right blend of Posh and Feral.

I am loving the roar of the mower on the weekends and the kids being able to be out and about unsupervised and DS1 walking to school by himself and plenty of yummy mummies and coffee shops etc, it all feels just right. We also broke the MN rule of buying into the catchment zone of the school we thought would be right for the boys and there is a bus that stops on our street that goes straight up to Macquarie Uni where I do some work and where hopefully the boys will go in the long term.

DH thought he wanted the train line as well, but he is fully converted to the bus now, not least because it stops about 50 feet from the front door.

Thumbwitch · 08/05/2012 04:23

Morloth, you should come to our Sydney MN meet ups! We keep trying to get SunnyD along but she's too busy .

Love the "too feral for the North Shore" - wonder what you'd class us as then, living out in the Sticks? "Country hicks folk", probably

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