Could you live with your MIL for 6 months for the greater good ?

[Mosman]

The jist is she's a funny old goat, set in her ways etc.

She's actually very self sufficient, not really suited to marriage or children and so is happy in her own company and will just do her own thing.
This may or may not be an advantage in the situation.

The scenario is this. We are planning to move to Sydney, I have a great job opportunity, we have friends out there and hubby and I are very keen as are the children.
MIL has gone from having a tantrum about not going to having a tantrum about us leaving her behind.
So I've said she can come because I am thinking a) it'll be a god awful flight for her, she's never been on a plane for more than 5 hours and certainly not with lots of children. She'll not enjoy that experience at all. b) if she comes out and hates it, there's every chance she'll never come out again. We will skype and visit her of course but I'm thinking 6 months of pain to never have to repeat the experience again.
She has been hankering after living with us for 5 years but the truth is it wouldn't work, nobody can afford the size of house required to make it happen and chances are her health will deteriorate and neither DH or I are qualified to look after her in disposition or inclination tbh.

Does this sound like a plan ?

Seriously you can't, can you. So what if she's having tantrums. I expect your 5 yo DH did.

Anyone who feels that entitled and full of expectations is going to be hell to live with.

Like fuck I would be inviting her along.

I have similar issues with my bio dad who was an absent parent. Wouldn't piss on him of he were on fire tbh.

yikes Mosman you didnt say it was as bad as that.Your poor DH and you.He must feel torn.I cant see how your plan would work as it is because she might be a danger to your DC? I presume she has not got much better behaved with age?
You were proposing her living with you.I suppose she could rent near you over there?

Could you do a stopover in Singapore and leave her there?

Frankly I cannot see how your MIL can expect any kind of relationship with your DH at all , given that she abandoned him as a very small child. She can tantrum all she likes, nobody who treats children like that would be living with my family.

"I suppose it all depends on how you were raised, but in our families we look after our elders, we dont abandon them."

Not necessarily. It might also depend on your judgment on whether living with you is actually going to do either of you any good.

My MIL did live with her ailing MIL until she realised that the presence of this constantly fussing woman was having a negative effect on her own ds who was turning into an anxious and withdrawn little boy. She couldn't possibly do right by both of them, so in the end decided she had to mother her own child and let a paid nurse look after her MIL.

We did briefly consider taking in MIL when she got frail but soon realised that:

MIL would live in constant danger and fear of danger in our house due to its layout/lack of room for specialist equipment

I would have to give up work to look after her, which would leave us very badly off

I would have to neglect my disabled daughter and would not be able to get her treatment, as MIL could not safely be left alone

I would no longer be able to go home and visit my own family

There is nothing lacking in my love for MIL, and nothing in the care with which she raised her family. But when people judge others for not looking after their older family members- well, who knows what shape those family members will be in?

If my mother had offered to look after her frail MIL, it would have meant her youngest child being exposed to constant racial abuse in his own home. And she would certainly have been a safety risk as her dementia progressed. And as she wouldn't let her DIL touch her, all her care would have fallen to her teenage granddaughter.

I really wouldn't. I remember my dgran who was, very independant, staying with us for a fortnight after she'd been ill. She found it really hard living with a family after being on her own for 10 years, and she got really nasty towards dm (her dil) for silly things, like her having to go and pick db up from playschool at lunch time.

I think you'll keep a better relationship if you don't. Nothing to do with being hard hearted, but independence is a hard thing to loose.

My MIL will be visiting us in Sydney for a month this year. I would be very surprised if we are still on speaking terms at the end of it (we weren't last time) so there is no way on earth I could have her for six months. Believe me there are a lot of miserable expats here once the rellies come to stay.

Also, have you done your homework on rentals? Getting a place with one extra bedroom can make a huge difference to the already eye watering rent you will pay here and it is unlikely you will want to move after six months meaning you will end up paying for space you don't need. We thought we were pretty well prepared when we arrived having spent many hours looking at the houses on the Domain and Realestate websites. We had to up our budget by $200 a week to get something we wanted to live in - the real estate photographers are VERY creative here!

No, be a grown up and tell her that you don't want her to come.

From the way she left her children in a playpen to bugger off with another man I wouldn't be bothering with her at all ever. That is unforgivable.

On a side note, don't live in Mosman. Says the girl from the western suburbs...

Oh no what's wrong with mosman. That was the one thing i was 100% sure I'd got right

Mosman, how old is MIL (sorry if I have missed this)?

75

Mosman is very expensive and very exclusive, IMO and the experience of friends it is quite a 'closed' community and hard to break into.

What is it you want from an area and if you want to get into what is your budget and what sort of home are you after?

To get anything nice in Mosman you are looking at at least $1,000 per week for 3 bedrooms and that is being conservative.

Emigrating is really stressful. And unless you ship your stuff several weeks before you leave the UK you will end up camping until your furniture arrives. Having a 75 year old along in those circumstances would be really hard. You will be busy and won't have time to look after her.

Perhaps explaining she won't have a bed to sleep in will change her mind.

We have really good friends in mosman so I think we'll be allowed in the inner circle. Rent wise it is horrendous but that seems to be Sydney all over unless you want to have a l

Long commute which I don't.

Good point about the beds.
I'm writing all this down, the old bird won't know what's hit her when she calls next.

This is one of the worst threads for giving information outside the original post ever! She's a bit more than a "funny old goat", isn't she? She has a history of serious abuse/neglect/abandonment of your partner. You have received very different views since you made that known.

You both sound quite hard to live with. If the backstory is as awful as you describe, why not simply say no and tell her exactly why?

the old bird won't know what's hit her when she calls next.

You're not taking on board the comments about how callous you sound, are you?

The thing is scummy DH has put it all in the past so day to day it doesn't come up. Only when somebody suggests I should wipe somebody's arse for the sake of £12,000 inheritance do I feel the need to discuss why that won't be happening. I shouldn't have needed to really.

You do realise that if she moves in with you, despite anything that you might want in the future, she will NEVER move out again.

If you are not sure about living with her for 6 months, how would you feel about living with her for the rest of her life?

There's also a fairly good chance that if her health deteriorated whilst she was staying with you she could (and would) extend her stay on compassionate grounds....!!