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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Could you live with your MIL for 6 months for the greater good ?

149 replies

Mosman · 06/05/2012 16:18

The jist is she's a funny old goat, set in her ways etc.

She's actually very self sufficient, not really suited to marriage or children and so is happy in her own company and will just do her own thing.
This may or may not be an advantage in the situation.

The scenario is this. We are planning to move to Sydney, I have a great job opportunity, we have friends out there and hubby and I are very keen as are the children.
MIL has gone from having a tantrum about not going to having a tantrum about us leaving her behind.
So I've said she can come because I am thinking a) it'll be a god awful flight for her, she's never been on a plane for more than 5 hours and certainly not with lots of children. She'll not enjoy that experience at all. b) if she comes out and hates it, there's every chance she'll never come out again. We will skype and visit her of course but I'm thinking 6 months of pain to never have to repeat the experience again.
She has been hankering after living with us for 5 years but the truth is it wouldn't work, nobody can afford the size of house required to make it happen and chances are her health will deteriorate and neither DH or I are qualified to look after her in disposition or inclination tbh.

Does this sound like a plan ?

OP posts:
ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 06/05/2012 16:32

I'm afraid that would be perfectly impossible Grin

Original poster
Mosman · 06/05/2012 16:33

I suppose it all depends on how you were raised, but in our families we look after our elders, we dont abandon them.

That's absolutely right, did they piss off with another bloke and leave you at the age 5 and then kick you out at 16 yrs old ?
I suspect probably not, you reap what you sow.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosman · 06/05/2012 16:33

I shouldn't have wrote that, but she wasn't a good mother to DH hence we don't feel any obligation tbh.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 06/05/2012 16:34

Ahhh ....drip... drip....... plop....

CrispyCod · 06/05/2012 16:35

Well if your DH is so unforgiving of what happened in his childhood why is she still a part of his life now?

HuwEdwards · 06/05/2012 16:35

Depends on your relationship.

I absolutely could and would not.

But, yes it sounds like a plan - so good luck!

giveitago · 06/05/2012 16:35

"her savings, property everything add up to about £50,000. She of course thinks this is a kings ransom and should be able to be exchanged for a lifetimes bed and board. It doesn't touch the sides".

Wow - what a comment.

Is it you don't like her or don't believe that old people should live with their younger relatives? What does your dh think about this.

TidyDancer · 06/05/2012 16:36

I think this is a potentially cruel and OTT experiment, designed to prove a point.

Tell her you don't want her living with you, don't pass the buck and blame immigration laws.

I don't think you mean to sound horrible btw, just that maybe you haven't totally thought this through.

NarkedPuffin · 06/05/2012 16:36

Thank god for visas Grin

And to answer your question, if it was to cure cancer, yes.

sugarice · 06/05/2012 16:38

Mosman it sounds fraught with problems waiting to happen, sorry.Don't do it.

Original poster
Mosman · 06/05/2012 16:39

I don't think telling her we don't want her living with us will go down any better tbh, there really isn't a happy ending here is there ?

OP posts:
NarkedPuffin · 06/05/2012 16:40

Grin at all the people saying you are harsh for offering to house her for six months!

MIL has gone from having a tantrum about not going to having a tantrum about us leaving her behind

What exactly are they supposed to do?

giveitago · 06/05/2012 16:41

OK -neither of you want her.

S'pose depends on dh wanting a relationship with her or not. A compromise - you go out and get yourself settled and all that exciting stuff. Then invite her the following year for a month for a visit?

Original poster
Mosman · 06/05/2012 16:45

I doubt he'd want to cut her off, Christ knows I would have but he hasn't so I assume he wants a relationship with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosman · 06/05/2012 16:46

She won't fly on her own, I knew there was a reason for her coming out with us, she will not get on a plane alone. It's taken me a week to get through to her she can't fly business class as we can't afford it.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 06/05/2012 16:46

Narked, the OP admitted she's hoping the MIL will hate the flight and wonders if she will hate living there. I think that's what's making people think the offer is not exactly from the heart.

It all seems designed to be a very expensive and protracted way of preventing the MIL from living with them full time. It would be easier to just say that they don't want her moving in. It wouldn't be a nice conversation admittedly, but I fail to see how that's the worst option available.

Thumbwitch · 06/05/2012 16:47

I'm not sure how much money the Australians expect senior citizens to be able to bring with them if they want to emigrate but it's quite a lot! And possibly more than £50k - I seem to have a vague figure in my head of £140k for a married couple, so that would be £70k each. I thought that was what Mosman was referring to when she said £50k wouldn't even touch the sides (perhaps a slight exaggeration).

In answer to your AIBU (which isn't one, as you know Wink) no, I couldn't live with my MIL for 6m. I have had to do it for 6w twice - once at my house in the UK and once at hers in Australia - both were quite long enough, thanks, and much longer would have resulted in a serious falling out. She is lovely. But she interferes - sometimes in a well meaning way and other times I'm not so sure - either way, it drives me bats. Luckily DH is also sure that he couldn't have his mum actually live with us (and I couldn't stand having to referee when they get arguing) but if we had to look after her, we would manage somehow - just not with her living in our house or vice versa.

NarkedPuffin · 06/05/2012 16:49

But the woman has thrown a strop about being left behind - having changed her mind, because she had thrown a strop about going.

It's just giving her what she wants!

NarkedPuffin · 06/05/2012 16:51

'It's taken me a week to get through to her she can't fly business class as we can't afford it.'

She expects you to pay for everything then.

Original poster
Mosman · 06/05/2012 16:53

I think I might delegate this conversation to DH after all my mother isn't expecting to live with us and nor would she be invited.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 06/05/2012 16:54

after all my mother isn't expecting to live with us and nor would she be invited

I assume there must be a backstory with your own mum too. :(

Original poster
Mosman · 06/05/2012 16:55

Oh yes we'd be covering flights, the cost of an extra room and bathroom in our house, food, bills the lot for 6 months whilst she explored Australia. This is the funny thing if she lived with us she wouldn't be available for a babysitting or anything like that she would be off on a walkabout

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosman · 06/05/2012 16:55

No backstory with my mum she just has her own life.

OP posts:
parakeet · 06/05/2012 16:59

Gaa, don't you just hate it when people get all smug about "in my family/culture we don't abandon our elders" etc.

No, Mosman, I couldn't live with my in-laws, either. And I personally would NOT want my children to be wiping my arse for me when I could no longer do it myself. I'd rather top myself.

Having said that, I do think it would be rather selfish to emigrate to the other side of the world and leave them behind - but that's assuming you have a close, loving relationship with your parents, which it sounds like your husband doesn't.

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 06/05/2012 17:01

Don't be daft. That sounds like a dreadful plan. You're changing your life totally, it's going to be stressful enough already. She doesn't sound like she'll be supportive... Go out without her. Tell her you've thought it through and realised it wouldn't work for you.

Has your dh ever reconciled things with her? Has she ever genuinely apologised for his childhood, changed, shown signs of loving him for who he is rather than what she gets from him (gcs, attention, all that)? Does he want her in his life because his life is better with her in it, or because he feels guilty if she isn't in it?

If you both decide you do actually want a relationship with her, you could invite her for a month next year. Make sure you have other visitors/something unavoidable happening at the end of the month so she has to leave. If it goes badly, don't invite her again.

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