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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious that this woman spoke to me about this in the playground?

276 replies

DollysDrawers · 04/05/2012 17:50

Honest replies please, I'm pissed off but unsure if I'm being over sensitive.

DD is in Y2 and is struggling with her reading. DH and I have spoken with the teacher and she is currently awaiting assessment for dyslexia. DD's teacher and I are working together to help her and she has been really helpful all along.

Anyway, there are parent helpers who go in weekly to read with the children and this woman (I barely know her), who read with DD today, proceeded to come up to me in the playground this afternoon at pick up to tell me, in a VERY loud voice that 'your DD had significant trouble with her reading today, I really think there is a problem. I have not been told she has any special needs, is there anything you need to tell me?'. I was flabbergasted and I am abso fucking lutely furious that she would even discuss this with me, never mind in the playground in full hearing of every other parent and pupil in the school, including DD who was standing beside me. (and I told her this) DD is worried enough about this herself.

She is not a teacher and DD's teacher would not dream of discussing this with me in front of other parents/children.

Do I need to calm down or do I need to kick her in the fucking shins the next time I see her?

OP posts:
manicbmc · 04/05/2012 19:27

Often people like this don't mean to be spiteful or bitchy, they just are.

ragged · 04/05/2012 19:28

Are we sure OP's school has a confidentiality policy for helpers? I know mine never has had one in the past.
Agree that she needs a talking to.

everythingtodo · 04/05/2012 19:30

Parent Helpers should not be doing reading with the children - end of. That is the teachers job or at a stretch the TA - not the helper.

I am a helper and I would not be happy to be asked (though tbh my DS school would never do this). Helper make collages, cut up paper and are an extra pair of hands. The school is not running correctly if they rely on helpers to supervise reading.

I would be going to the head and getting this stopped.

everythingtodo · 04/05/2012 19:31

I am hard faced too, and you only get one chance with me - that behaviour would mean a snub for life from me!

runningforthebusinheels · 04/05/2012 19:32

Sorry, not read the whole 5 pages, but I'm a parent-reader at my dc school, and I would never EVER dream of saying anything to a parent about their child's reading. I consider I'm there to help the children practise their reading - no more no less. I'm not trained to assess their ability. Who the fuck does this woman think she is?

YANBU - take it further.

CremeEggThief · 04/05/2012 19:32

Even if it's not written down, surely everyone helping/working in schools should be made aware of the importance of confidentiality?
I know any school I've volunteered, trained or taught in has had at least discussed 'the need to be discreet'.

defineme · 04/05/2012 19:33

Our school didn't have parents doing reading in class for 2 years because they shut the scheme down over problems like this-essentially 2 or 3 mums that could not keep their mouths shut. There was writing lengthy criticism in the kids' reading diaries! They introduced a much more formal system with interview and training.

Whoopydofoxpoo · 04/05/2012 19:33

I've been a a parent helper when My DS was at infant school - often used to hear children read - nothing wrong in parent helpers listening to the children - if teachers were only allowed to listen to the children then they would either do nothing else or they would never get round 30 children !

manicbmc · 04/05/2012 19:33

At a stretch, the TA? I think not. It is more often than not, the job of a TA and is part of my job description actually.

ilovesprouts · 04/05/2012 19:33

she was bang out of order ,id be mad too when i was a reading mum if the was stuck or having trouble i would tell the class teacher in private ,not blurting out in the playground yanbu

ilovesprouts · 04/05/2012 19:34

*child

Floggingmolly · 04/05/2012 19:37

You evidently need to be canonised then, Bibbity.

99.9% of people hearing that would indeed have been fucking furious, and another 0.5% would have been just furious. And then there's you.

ragged · 04/05/2012 19:38

I think not every KS1 class has even one FT TA? And TAs are needed for many other tasks.

I think fine for parents to help, but confidentiality obligation needs to be spelled out for a minority.

letseatgrandma · 04/05/2012 19:40

Parent Helpers should not be doing reading with the children - end of. That is the teachers job or at a stretch the TA - not the helper.

Realistically, how often do you think that the teacher would be able to listen to the children read each week? I listen to my class of 30 read in groups during guided reading once each week and, wherever possible, try to hear individuals as often as I can but this is extremely difficult as obviously the rest of the class are then left with no support/active teaching.

Our parent helpers are invaluable in listening to the children read as some of them are never heard read at home at all. If they only read in a group with me once a week (and never at home) their progress would be nowhere near as good as with a parent helper hearing them read regularly.

I would definitely not want somebody like this helping in my class though. I would pen a letter to the head and sincerely hope that they wouldn't be volunteering any more.

TheUnMember · 04/05/2012 19:40

Parent Helpers should not be doing reading with the children - end of. That is the teachers job or at a stretch the TA - not the helper.

I disagree with you there. Parent helpers have been listening to children read since forever. I remember my mum doing it 40+ years ago, although not in my class.

ragged · 04/05/2012 19:40

I would have been merely peeved, not furious. OP must complain.

runningforthebusinheels · 04/05/2012 19:47

I think parent readers are helpful to the school - but as far as I'm aware, the remit is to listen to the reading, not assess it. I was approached by a teacher who asked if I could do it, and I was happy to.

It's just the blabbing about it in the playground that is a problem.

SauvignonBlanche · 04/05/2012 19:48

I was 'peeved' when it happened to me. If I had been in the same situation as the OP I would have been 'furious', once I calmed down.
I would also have been humiliated and upset on my child's behalf.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/05/2012 19:57

I absolutely agree that this woman was completely out of order to speak to the OP at all.

However, I do have to disagree with those who think that parent-helpers shouldn't be listening to children read. I don't think that they should be the only people hearing the child read, but I used to listen to children read at the dses' junior school and the children seemed to enjoy it and benefit from it, and the teacher seemed grateful for my efforts - so I don't think I was an utterly useless liability.

I wouldn't have dreamt of discussing a child with their parents, or indeed anyone other than the teacher.

DaDerDaDer · 04/05/2012 20:00

Well I would have been furious.

This is not an example of a mumsnet frothing imo (as Bibbitys condescending I'm off to be with people like me comment would suggest) but a serious error of judgement on so many levels by this women.

I'm sure she didn't mean to be mean, I'm sure she meant to self important, displaying that she 'knew stuff' and that you may need to 'discuss stuff' with her.

It is equivalent of someone doing the filing in a doctors surgery then publically discussing your ailments with you, and offering their opinion.
Surely most people would be outraged and furious at this? Well this is the same.

But maybe worse, as it was about a child's difficulties, in front of the child!!!

Anyone who has any experience with a child with SEN either as a teacher or a parent, would know what a sensitive potentially upsetting experience it is as a parent to see your child struggling, how it needs to be dealt with with sensitivity, and how a young child can already be developing low self esteem around this and lacking in belief as themselves as a leaner. Particularly with reading ability at a young age which is what the school experience and success is centring on at this time.

bibbity, your 'doesn't she know she's sruggling' dismissive comment speaks volumes, about your attitude to this. Whats thenproblem then eh?? Yeah, tell the kid how it is, and tell her to get over it, she is 6 now atre all Hmm.

OP, go to the head complain, she should not be allowed to help in the school anymore. If she continues to I would state she does not work with my child. In fact I'd tell the head no one parent could work with my child again unless I was assured this issue was addressed with all parent helpers.

Unfortunately lots of parental helpers are also the gossip mongers ime, that's why they do it and in some warped belief that ingratiating themselves with the teachers will some how help their own child.

Bet this women is one of those.

ninah · 04/05/2012 20:00

i'd be fucking furious too

GateGipsy · 04/05/2012 20:01

Yes what others have said, put a complaint in writing to the school.

bigjoeent · 04/05/2012 20:04

DaderdaDer, absolutely spot on.

I'd disagree on parent helpers, I am one but its because I'm considering teaching as a career. Others at the school are retired teachers or in a similar position.

betterwhenthesunshines · 04/05/2012 20:11

My DD has similar difficulties. I would be equally upset at such inappropriate behaviour but I would also query the role of a parent helper in this situation.

Having someone untrained listen to a child read is one thing. But a child who is finding the whole process difficult, for whatever reason, needs to have someone who knows what they are doing. Otherwise there is the possibility that someone who tries to be 'helpful' can actually do more harm than good (bad sounding out etc). Do parent helpers get training? What are they told to do if a child gets stuck on a word?

manicbmc · 04/05/2012 20:11

Parent helpers are great when it comes to general reading but I think a child who has specific difficulties needs to be heard by someone with some training.