to have asked these people to sit somewhere else?

[musicposy]

I honestly don't know if I was or not, so any opinions welcomed, and I will suck it up if I was

I work for a music examining board and we are at the time when I have to collate all the exam entries. It's part time, seasonal work, but when it comes in, it is hours of work to a very tight deadline.

I took the DDs up ice skating this morning. The really needed not to miss it as DD2 has a couple of competitions coming up. But I really needed to work. So I sat in the leisure centre coffee shop with a coffee at a big table, spread out all my paperwork and got on with it. It was pretty early morning so the place was virtually deserted, masses of empty tables and just a handful of other people there.

Halfway through some complicated adding up (it's literally thousands of numbers) a lady came and sat at my table, opposite me. I thought it was strange because mine was one of the only occupied tables and most people choose a vacant one. She kept making sniffing and sighing noises. Under normal circumstances I might have smiled or asked if she was OK, but I was trying to get this work done.

After a while she got up, got a drink of water, sat down, shuffled some of my papers over and put the drink down. She started the noises again, trying to get my attention, I think, and I did start to think at this point that she might have some sort of special needs, though you wouldn't have known looking at her. I just completely lost concentration in my adding.

About 5 minutes later a man who obviously had Downs Syndrome came over with a coffee on a tray. He said a cheery hello to me and proceeded to also sit down, putting the tray on my paperwork.

At this point I said very nicely "I'm really sorry, but would it be OK if you sat at a different table? I am really very busy."

They looked terribly hurt and got up. A lady a few tables over I then noticed was obviously looking after a whole group of people with learning difficulties. She said "sit here, you're welcome at this table, " and glared at me like you wouldn't believe. Then she sat and shot me looks for the next half hour.

I felt rotten afterwards. I know that in a different cicumstance that could be me or a family member. I really hadn't meant to upset them. But on the other hand, I was at one of the only occupied tables, I asked very nicely, and I didn't think it was unreasonable to expect to be left in peace when the place was so quiet.

So, was I being unreasonable? Did I deserve the glares?

Another YWNBU :) The carer misread your motives. That's not your problem.

YANBU and I don't think you did anything wrong. Obviously in this kind of situation you don't want to offend anyone, but I don't think you should have just ignored it. If you were already at the table and clearly working then I think it is fair enough to politely point out that you are busy and ask them to move, especially if they are distracting you and ruffling your papers. Also I think thistledew made a good point that having a stranger politely ask them to do something might help them to learn what is socially acceptable and what comes across as rude or inappropriate.

YANBU, I'm not sure what else you were expected to do when they were shuffling your papers about or putting trays down on them?

I think overall YWNBU but you would have done better to ask the first lady to move, not waited until the man joined her. That way it would have been more obvious that you were busy and needed the table space, and looked less like you were perhaps objecting to the man with DS joining your table (not what happened, but it could easily have appeared like that to an observer).

Havent read all the thread but YWBU to ask them to move. It's a public place, you don't own the table or chairs and it's not your call to make someone else move from their chosen space.

You should have said to the couple: "I am so sorry to be unfriendly but I really have to get this work done so I am going to move over to one of those vacant tables over there" Or words to that effect. And then you should have moved, not them.

Really what is wrong with using coffee shops etc as offices - it's something I do for several hours every week.

I accept that there might be distractions and I'm pretty good at switching off and getting on with my work (it's far more distracting being at home with the 100 jobs that need to be done in front of me), but I too would have been at bit puzzled if people had sat at my table if other tables were free.

A part of me thought tryharder was being a bit off, but then I thought, if I'd been sitting on my own, whatever my work/fun/staring into space needs, and someone sat with me when lots of other spaces were available, then yes, I'd move.

But I wouldn't apologise.

The woman accompanying the man with DS was out of order. She broke an informal social rule about sitting with others when spaces are available. If she intend to use the occasion to help the man she was with, in some way, then she should have asked.

"solidgoldbrass Fri 04-May-12 00:04:16

Surely if people with SN are in a public place with a carer it's the carer's responsibility to stop them making pests of themselves? Just as, if you have small DC and you take them out in public, you don't allow them to go and climb all over a total stranger or touch other people's belongings and just expect the stranger to accept it because they're 'only children'."

I'm almost speechless

1. if people are 'in a public place with a carer' - WHAT?? Public places are public that means that members of the public can use them. Adults with SN are members of the public. They aren't out on licence, you know!

1. '...making pests of themselves' - it isn't making a pest of oneself to sit at a table. The OP is one person, with one backside. If there was more than one seat at the table, then the other people were entitled to sit there.

1. The 'carer' is there to ensure the safety of the people in her care. If they choose to sit at a table, they are acting appropriately.

1. Referencing children when the OP is about adults with SN is deeply offensive.

You're right, OP. It could have been handled better. The woman should have come oer and politely asked for you to move your paperwork because it was blocking the space assigned to another seat, and it might get liquids on it.

If a family of five turned up, bought drinks and sat on 5 different tables, would it be acceptable for them to ask others to move if they dared to share?

Surely the children analogy started with this post last night:

Do you not understand that an adult with learning disabilities may well not realise that at all? In the way a small child would not?

YANBU. They had lots of choice of tables. People very often work in that sort of situation and you leave them alone. The fact they had learning disabilities has nothing to do with it. It would be different if the place was crowded.

I find it peculiar that in a largely empty cafe you would go and sit at an occupied table, even if the person wasn't busy. It would be normal for the person in charge to steer them to an empty table.

But the point is that for some people with learning disabilities, there is a pull towards other people. They weren't being rude, they just didn't pick up on the OP's obvious preoccupation with her work.

Of course they were hurt. They saw a nice lady who they could sit with, and were rejected. Whether or not that is the objective situation, it's the perception.

Imagine if you are loosely friends with a group of quite close friends. You see them and think 'ahh I'll sit with them'. They say 'actually, would you mind moving?' Would you think 'no problem!' or would you think 'oh, I thought we were friends'?

The OP wasn't wrong to ask them to move. But the two people who joined her also weren't wrong to sit there. There were chairs available, and it was the OP who was taking more than a fair share of the table. They just didn't know the unwritten rule that if there is a spare table, you sit there instead.

You should have moved really, but YANBU to find someone sitting at your table and touching your stuff intrusive.

The person in charge merely had to say, 'let's go and sit over there, the person is busy'.

Sorry, then steering them to an empty table.

I'd have moved myself.

Couple of months ago, i at a very exclusive and expensive VIP party, as part of a comp prize. A very large group came up and proceeded to sit all their kids at our table. They were well behaved, etc. but, having flown across to America without kids and enjoying the freedom, I did not want to sit at a table with a hoard of someone else's kids (maybe 8-9 kids!). I went to one of the mums, and said with a smile, we will find somewhere else to sit and you can have this table, and the adults helped us find another table. They appreciated it, and no one was hurt!

YANBU at all. The carer should have encouraged them to sit with her/somewhere else to avoid them disturbing you

The carer should manage a group. When my DCs were small they were similar- it is very simple to say, 'no- let's have that nice empty table over there'- no one is upset. It is all a mountain out of a molehill.

If I was sitting at a table and a stranger came to sit at that table (when there were others available), then tried to engage me in conversation when I was writing, or reading a book, I would consider that to be 'pestering' - whoever it was!

In the situation the OP was in, I would have stopped working and chatted to the people but that's my own choice. I can't understand why people are so stressed by the word pestering ? If my DC's, my husband or my sister were sitting with strangers who didn't want to interact, I would consider them to be pestering the person. Only one of the family members I just mentioned does have a learning disability.

i can see it from both sides but tbh i would not like it if i were sitting quietly in my own world deep in thought and someone came and sat at my table when so many others were empty, nothing at all to do with them having special needs, i like my own space but the women glaring probably thought you asked them to move because they had special needs. i don't understand why she let them share a table with you when they didn't need to

No not being unreasonable at all. I often take work to various childrens activities and I would not expect to plonk myself down at someones table whether busy or not.