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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have asked these people to sit somewhere else?

347 replies

musicposy · 03/05/2012 23:30

I honestly don't know if I was or not, so any opinions welcomed, and I will suck it up if I was

I work for a music examining board and we are at the time when I have to collate all the exam entries. It's part time, seasonal work, but when it comes in, it is hours of work to a very tight deadline.

I took the DDs up ice skating this morning. The really needed not to miss it as DD2 has a couple of competitions coming up. But I really needed to work. So I sat in the leisure centre coffee shop with a coffee at a big table, spread out all my paperwork and got on with it. It was pretty early morning so the place was virtually deserted, masses of empty tables and just a handful of other people there.

Halfway through some complicated adding up (it's literally thousands of numbers) a lady came and sat at my table, opposite me. I thought it was strange because mine was one of the only occupied tables and most people choose a vacant one. She kept making sniffing and sighing noises. Under normal circumstances I might have smiled or asked if she was OK, but I was trying to get this work done.

After a while she got up, got a drink of water, sat down, shuffled some of my papers over and put the drink down. She started the noises again, trying to get my attention, I think, and I did start to think at this point that she might have some sort of special needs, though you wouldn't have known looking at her. I just completely lost concentration in my adding.

About 5 minutes later a man who obviously had Downs Syndrome came over with a coffee on a tray. He said a cheery hello to me and proceeded to also sit down, putting the tray on my paperwork.

At this point I said very nicely "I'm really sorry, but would it be OK if you sat at a different table? I am really very busy."

They looked terribly hurt and got up. A lady a few tables over I then noticed was obviously looking after a whole group of people with learning difficulties. She said "sit here, you're welcome at this table, " and glared at me like you wouldn't believe. Then she sat and shot me looks for the next half hour.

I felt rotten afterwards. I know that in a different cicumstance that could be me or a family member. I really hadn't meant to upset them. But on the other hand, I was at one of the only occupied tables, I asked very nicely, and I didn't think it was unreasonable to expect to be left in peace when the place was so quiet.

So, was I being unreasonable? Did I deserve the glares?

OP posts:

Original poster

musicposy · 03/05/2012 23:46

Well, I knew it wouldn't be busy because I am there three or four times a week early morning and it is always quiet. Often when I first get there I am the only one, or one of only 2 or 3 people. At about 10am it starts getting busier but this was much earlier and so I knew I was pretty much guaranteed peace and quiet. But maybe, yes, I shouldn't have done the work there. Just trying to fit too many things into the day, I guess.

OP posts:

doinmummy · 03/05/2012 23:46

The catsbum lady may have been cross as she knew they were just trying to be sociable and were fobbed off.
I'm sure you weren't rude but by asking them to sit somewhere else it may have come across as a bit offish.

Hyperballad · 03/05/2012 23:46

It's just one of lifes unfortunate little incidents, your a well meaning caring person and that's why you are worried about what happened. I don't think you were unreasonable and the lady giving you glares won't fully understand the circumstances and so too should be forgiven for acting how she did.

It is incredibly unlikely this would happen again for all involved so try not to let it prey on your mind.

Hope the kids do well in the competition and you get your marking done on time!

Now move on!

1950sHousewife · 03/05/2012 23:47

Personally, I would have gathered up my things and said a nice "I'm hogging this table a bit aren't I? I'll just go over there I don't bother you with all my papers." and left them to it.

There is no way I'll tell someone else to move, even if there were a million tables free. Part of me quite admires you for it.

But it does come under the heading of 'why do randoms sit next to me in the cinema when clearly there are a million seats they could have sat in a little more comfortably distanced away. Come sit on my lap why doncha?'

Popoozle · 03/05/2012 23:48

The thing is, although you tried not to be rude and I (for example) would understand why you were asking me to move and not be at all offended, people with learning disabilities may not understand and, therefore, take it personally and become upset.

That is why the disability factor is relevant, never mind how polite you thought you were being. Speaking from my DS's point of view, he would have taken it as a very personal rejection - which I know wasn't your intention, but does explain the Carer's reaction really.

1950sHousewife · 03/05/2012 23:49

Anyone who thinks you shouldn't work in a cafe, that's pretty much all people do in our local cafe! It's like apple mac and paperwork central. Cafes are often the new offices. For that you shouldn't be concerned. It's not like you were flashing the results up on the screen over the ice rink!

Casmama · 03/05/2012 23:50

I don't think you were being unreasonable at all. The sniffing lady may have wanted to engage you in conversation but you didn't want to talk to her. I think it is pretty rude to sit beside you without asking if you mind and to touch your stuff. You seem to have been perfectly polite so I wouldn't worry about it but think the poster who mentioned a potential confidentiality issue with marking in public may have a point.

ilovesooty · 03/05/2012 23:51

1950s - it's not "normal" work. When I've worked for exam boards I've had to sign to say that confidential material won't be removed from the house until I'm posting it back to the board.

1950sHousewife · 03/05/2012 23:52

In which case, ilovesooty, it's good that the OP should know that. Good point.

Kayano · 03/05/2012 23:52

Ignore the special needs for a
Minute...

Would all you people really be happy and cool if you were sitting in an empty cafe or an empty bus and then someone you didn't know out of all the empty spaces just sat next to you.

Would you really be public place = anything goes or would you be seriously wtf get away from my personal space

I know which I would be thinking.

I would actually think it rude not to ask if that seat was taken and would it be alright to sit there.

Now back to special needs.... Surely the carer could have asked. If there are papers all over and someone is clearly working a 'would this be alright' or 'how about sitting here' or something
Other than cats bum mouth would have been better.

The carer should have done more and if the people with special needs were upset it doesn't just land on OPs shoulders in this scenario.

TastesLikePanda · 03/05/2012 23:52

But even if she had picked up all her paperwork and moved - that could have been viewed as rude... it's a lose/lose situation.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 03/05/2012 23:52

YANBU and I can't honestly see how anyone thinks you were?! The place was all but deserted, of course you can expect the table to yourself. You asked nicely & politely - no problem at all

Popoozle · 03/05/2012 23:53

I think it is pretty rude to sit beside you without asking if you mind and to touch your stuff.

Do you not understand that an adult with learning disabilities may well not realise that at all? In the way a small child would not?

pictish · 03/05/2012 23:54

Agree with kayano

Original poster

musicposy · 03/05/2012 23:54

"The only person who was out of order was the worker who was with them - you need to pick your battles carefully in frontline support work but it is such a 'low status' and low paid job that it attracts a lot of people who aren't up to the job. If she was their worker, I presume they had an assesed need for some level of support she should have stepped in and sorted."

FizzyLaces I did think she probably could have come over earlier and said something to them like "we're all sat over here, how about sitting with us?" Obviously the people themselves were just being friendly and that's why I felt bad, but the support worker would know that it's not the done thing to plonk yourself over someone else's stuff.

I really wasn't complaining about the people themselves at all, I quite understand that they aren't able to judge social situations in the same way. But I did wonder if I should have handled it differently.

OP posts:

DestinationUnknown · 03/05/2012 23:54

YANBU but 1950sHousewife has come up with the best answer I think. If a cafe is not busy then it's not unreasonable to think you could have your table to yourself.

Original poster

musicposy · 03/05/2012 23:56

ilovesooty it's not confidential material in any way whatsoever. I'm perfectly allowed to take it out of the house! I'm not marking papers.

OP posts:

doinmummy · 03/05/2012 23:57

Don't beat yourself up Music. You were polite and didn't realise the full situation. It was just an unfortunate event.

2rebecca · 03/05/2012 23:57

If it's a public coffee shop I would have gathered up my stuff and moved rather than ask someone else to move. It looks huffy but at least you don't look and sound as though you are being high handed and ordering people around.
I'm often trying to work on something whilst waiting for my kids and would just move if anyone came to a table I was on and started disrupting me and there were spare tables.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 03/05/2012 23:58

I think you sound a bit self-important tbh: 'I really am very busy'.

I would have done as others have suggested and simply moved to another table myself. Asking 2 people with learning difficulties to move when you could have just moved yourself is bound to cause cat's bum faces and tut-tutting.

I think overall YABU

Mrsjay · 03/05/2012 23:59

I think you handled it the best you could at the time , maybe i would have just got up and left but then the catbumlady would have probably said something else in earshot of you , I guess you cant win sometimes ,

saintlyjimjams · 04/05/2012 00:00

Are you really allowed to work on exam related matters in public? I work with confidential materials now (and in the past have worked on exam related matters) and would never work with that sort of material in public spaces.

Original poster

musicposy · 04/05/2012 00:00

I've found this valuable so thanks, even those who think IABU!

I've got more insight as to why the catsbum lady might have been cross or misinterpreted it. Another time I think I would say something friendly and then move myself. I didn't like feeling I'd upset them. But am beating myself up less too, after the YANBUs :)

OP posts:

HowAboutAHotCupOfShutTheHellUp · 04/05/2012 00:01

YANBU. Agree w kayano.

Mrsjay · 04/05/2012 00:02

and i think i am going to change my name to catsbumlady its got a fab ring to it

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