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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To fantasise about ending it all

112 replies

flowerpot77 · 01/05/2012 12:31

Does anyone else ever feel like this? I have two lovely kids, one is 5 and the other will be one on Friday but I just feel like a totally crap mother. I think my kids would be so much better off with out me, I lie in bed imagining taking my own life, sometimes the urge is so strong that it totally consumes me. I imagine my husband finding me dead and how my kids would be without me... I know im stressed, I have just returned to work about 4 weeks ago (full time) and just feel like I cant cope and that every day feels like a ground hog day.... is this normal?

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/05/2012 18:29

Well done for taking action so quickly

Have an unmumnetty (((hug)))

Henwelly · 01/05/2012 18:33

flowerpot
There is a thread over in Mental health in which everyone is on Sertraline and talking about their experiences.

Will try and do a link in a mo!!

Henwelly · 01/05/2012 18:36

Found it:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/a1440266-Sertraline-and-any-other-ADs-support-thread

Its also for other AD's but seems to be mostly Sertraline.

shockers · 01/05/2012 18:41

Please, please get help. My beautiful friend ended her life last year. Her death has broken her family... they will never, ever recover. She thought that her presence in the world, and in their lives was causing them harm, distress, worry, pain... and yes, they were worried, but it's nothing to the gaping emptiness and heartwrenching pain they feel now.

Please, please, please go to your doctor and tell him/her about these thoughts and this urge.

I promise you that you are far more valued and loved than you know.

shockers · 01/05/2012 18:44

I only read the first page of reponses and posted straight away... you have taken a step forward... good luck with your journey, and lots of love.

everlong · 01/05/2012 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
flowerpot77 · 01/05/2012 18:55

Thank you so much. Each and everyone of you. I dont feel any different but feel like I have some breathing space in that im not mad. Thank you.

OP posts:
cocolepew · 01/05/2012 19:12

I'm so glad to hear you contacted your Dr. Keep posting here or on the linked thread. You will always have someone to talk too.

Take care x

MrsHelsBels74 · 01/05/2012 19:16

Do keep us posted, & if you want to PM me feel free to.

redwineformethanks · 01/05/2012 19:21

Stay strong, keep taking the medication and use MN whenever you need it. Lots of kind people out there with a bit of compassion for a stranger

When my DD was born I remember someone saying "If you ever feel really terrible, go to a shop and tell the assistant." It's good advice. Absolute worst case, if you walked into a newsagent and said you were completely at the end of your tether, then they would phone police / social work and it would be up to the professionals to keep everyone safe.

OAM2009 · 01/05/2012 19:50

flowerpot, so pleased for you and proud of you that you acted straightaway and went to your GP. It must have been hard when you felt so bad - well done Smile I hope the new drugs work better and that you continue to feel better. Brew Look after yourself xxx

goodmum123 · 01/05/2012 19:53

Flowerpot, you sound exactly like me (or how I was). Only a month or two ago I was just like you, in fact I wrote a similar post on here, except I had family issues too. I honestly had your exact idea that not being here would benefit my family, husband, baby girl (20months), work colleagues, family who hated me (another story), the list went on and on..... I used to whisper kindly to my baby at night that because I loved her and was a crap mother to her, that things would be so much better for her and daddy when I'd gone. Twice I just got up, got in my car and drove to the nearest dual carriageway where I pulled into the hard shoulder and watched the traffic contemplating when to walk out.
Flowerpot, is this sounding similar to you?
I too work almost full time, try to keep a great house, and simply found it all too much. I wrote a post on here and apart from one sarcastic comment about Jeremy Kyle found the love and support (and advice) literally a live saver. I went to my doc after having a bit of an outburst at work. I was offered cito?? And brought them home but never took them. Instead I have started to go to councelling and if has been amazing.
After one session I could feel the weight And burden lifting off my shoulders. Dong get me wrong I still have set backs bug nothing like before.
When I put my baby girl to bed now I could just cry at what I was going to do to myself, and how I was going to deprive that wonderful little girl of mother.
Please flowerpot, seek help. If you want to get in touch for a proper chat that would be good too.
Lots of love being sent your way. Xxx

Original poster
flowerpot77 · 01/05/2012 20:31

Seriously, i feel like i have a whole network... thank you all so much. if you had even a tiny idea of how things have changed in my head.... thank you xx

OP posts:
Original poster
flowerpot77 · 01/05/2012 20:33

And btw, it wasnt straightaway this has been going on in my head for nearly a year.....i didnt want to go to work this morning. i wanted to stay in bed and just cry.... thank you MN

OP posts:
foxeeroxee · 01/05/2012 20:36

It so nice to hear you sounding so positive flowerpot you have shown great strength in what you have posted and by going to the gp.
i have another appointment with my gp tomorrow and am going to try and be as honest as you have been,so thankyou!
Hope the new medication makes things easier for you.
Thanks

betterwhenthesunshines · 02/05/2012 16:39

flowerpot - I had one other thought. Your mention that you're not sure what more your DP can do to help. He's probably a bit franctic and out of his depth too. Once i started counselling I know that was a huge relief for my DH - that he no longer felt 'responsible' for 'fixing' me. Of course he still cared, but I think before he felt there was something he could do that would make me 'better' and make it all go away. And it doesn't work like that. Once he no longer felt like this it was much easier to talk to him and tell him how I was feeling. Just talking without any sense of "how am I going to make this better" was a huge, huge step forward and make a big big difference.

everlong · 02/05/2012 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NowThenWreck · 02/05/2012 16:51

I am going to suggest something that may get me flamed, but I don't care.
I had a non sleeping baby (single parent from pregnant) and it wasn't until the HV came round to talk about his constant waking/refusal to sleep when he was 11 months that I did sleep training, and it worked, really quickly.

I did not do the controlled crying where it just goes on and on.(Couldnt do that.)
The HV said increase the length of time when you go into the baby by one minute each time but don't go over 9 minutes.
It really wasn't terrible.

After that I was sooo much less depressed and could cope again.

You need your sleep now, so maybe give it a try?

JugglingWithTangentialOranges · 02/05/2012 16:58

Hope you have some nice moments with DC2 on Friday on their first birthday !
Do you have anything planned, perhaps for the weekend ?

JugglingWithTangentialOranges · 02/05/2012 18:48

their = her !

SherlockGnomes · 02/05/2012 19:51

Hi flowerpot just a quick note to say firstly WELL DONE, this is an amazing step you have taken, and secondly I was on sertaline for two years having being on many many other meds and it worked, about 2 months into taking it i just started to feel a tiny bit ok, just noticed that I wasn't thinking about killing myself every day and then, suddenly about 2 months down the line, it was like a weight was lifted a big black cloud just disapeared. And now I have a wonderful life and am very content. It won't work for everybody, it might not work for you (but it might!) but if it doesn't something will - this is not you, you are unwell and you can get better! PM if you want to talk more about sertraline, side effect etc..

Oops did I say 'quick' note?!

Original poster
flowerpot77 · 03/05/2012 09:26

I don't feel any different... I still wake in the early hours with stupid thoughts. I just don't understand myself. I'm sticking with the tablets and have a follow up in three weeks. I took annual leave today from work as I was just so exhausted as baby hasn't slept.

We having a small get together for little one tomorrow but to be honest it's really stressing me out! I wanted to keep it really small but it's kind of escalating with family coming from far afield which means accomadating people over night...

God I sound like a real moany bitch... Need to get a grip!

OP posts:
JugglingWithTangentialOranges · 03/05/2012 09:58

You don't sound like that at all flowerpot - just that the celebrations for your DDs 1st birthday tomorrow have very understandably but perhaps unfortunately got a bit bigger than you'd ideally like in present circumstances. I don't suppose anyone could stay nearby in a B&B or Travel Inn ? Try and look after yourself as much as you can and not take on more than you can handle. Perhaps get DH to help you say "no" to people sometimes ? I hope people will be supportive and am glad you have the day off today and tomorrow to hopefully rest a bit and also to mark DDs birthday with your family Thanks

Perhaps you'd like to talk through on here what will be going on and who will be coming to stay if it would help at all ? In any case - get them all to earn their keep and help you !

mayaswell · 03/05/2012 10:15

There are so many people here who know what you're going through. Keep talking whether things get worse or better. Here is a place where bizarrely you can be yourself because no one knows who are. Is there anyone coming to visit who you could stay a bit longer,who you could talk to? Or just say that you're struggling and could you have a chat sometime?
Just get through the day hour by hour, don't think ahead too much. And when you find yourself thinking dark things try to visualise yourself pushing them away.
Hold on flower, better times are coming x

Kinnane · 03/05/2012 10:24

Big hug for you,flowerpot.

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