To fantasise about ending it all

[flowerpot77]

Does anyone else ever feel like this? I have two lovely kids, one is 5 and the other will be one on Friday but I just feel like a totally crap mother. I think my kids would be so much better off with out me, I lie in bed imagining taking my own life, sometimes the urge is so strong that it totally consumes me. I imagine my husband finding me dead and how my kids would be without me... I know im stressed, I have just returned to work about 4 weeks ago (full time) and just feel like I cant cope and that every day feels like a ground hog day.... is this normal?

Agree with may that hopefully you'll be able to tell at least some of your family over next couple of days that it's not been an easy year with a baby and a toddler. Hopefully many people, especially other Mums, will be sympathetic to this. I expect some will be better at this than others ! But I think you'll feel better if you are able to be honest and acknowledge how things have been and how you're feeling now.

I hope the next few days will bring some nice moments too - where you feel understood and supported by those around you

I have my inlaws coming that's mil,fil, sil hubby's brother his wife and three kids. They will be staying until Sunday... My mum and bro and his wife are leaving on Saturday... And no, no one will check into a hotel as its not the done thing. But to be fair they always put us up when we go to them. Hubby's family are very stiff upper lip.... They don't hug or talk about feelings etc. my mum has a lot on her plate at the mo... And my bro..., well he will be too busy on the play station with my hubby to find any time to chat.

I feel guilty for feeling so put upon but I'm just not feeling in the right frame of mind but I know the kids will love it and be spoilt rotten but I will be the skivvy for the whole weekend.

The problem you've got I think is that you are equating how you're feeling with some sort of failure on your part. It's not. Imagine if you had a broken leg and they behaved in this way.
You're in a crap position, but heaping more expectation on you is just going to make you feel worse. No ones 'hearing' you. Does your DP really understand how desperate you're feeling or are you protecting him?

Im not protecting him... I don't think he realises just how intense these feelings are. He's so chilled, nothing fazes him. When I said to him it's too much everyone coming to stay his response was don't worry chill out, it's nice for the kids etc etc but he doesn't realise how much running around I have to do for it to run smoothly. His sister dislikes me and can actually be rude but he's just like she's an idiot ignore her... Then I feel silly for bringing it up as I don't want to come between him and her but I just wish that he would say something to her. She's quite volatile and very influential over the parents and older brother...

Mayaswell I do think I'm a failure. I'm trying to do things way out of my league and not really doing anything very well.

You're overwhelmed. Whatever anyone says having two children and a job is very hard.
Not a failure, never that, it's not a test.

Why is your DH on the playstation when you are skivvying. Tell him you are really not feeling too good and that your new medication has not yet kicked in. He needs to help and support you as much as possible this weekend. He needs to be a bit less laid back and protect you a bit more.

If you can afford it go to M&S or a supermarket and buy as much of the food etc ready prepared as you can e.g. a prepared joint and roast pots that you only have to bung in the oven or fresh pasta and a couple of pots ofready made bolognese sauce.

If it all gets too much feign a headache and go and lie down in your room for a bit. They can make their own bloody cups of tea.

We can't really afford much, my last pay went towards getting over the back log of bills that had been accumulating whilst I was on mat leave and the next one is 21 days away.... His parents usually give the kids 500each birthday so we tend to be a bit cheeky and spend a hundred on the entertaining and put the rest in children's bank. Even writing this i feel like such a cheeky mare, they always take the kids to toys r us and let them choose there own toys as well while they are here. We won't get the cash gift until the day so until then I've done the shopping and planned the food, this morning I've set up the beds for everyone and just sat down for a cuppa before I get on with the cleaning. Tomorrow I will be cooking all day, his family are very particular his brothers wife especially so, I guess I just want it to go right. They always make it look so effortless when we go to them so I guess the expectations I'm putting on myself are benchmarked on them.

I think I'll skip buying the nappies and get a bottle of vodka to help me out!

This organisation kept me alive (literally) when I was going through the same thing as you OP. The great thing about it is that it's entirely (wo)manned by women who have been through the same thing.

It's a vile vile illness. The site will give you some good info - section for dads too - and if you are local or not then give them a call. Just talking to someone for 5 mintues got my head straight, I felt normal.

ADs and counselling got me back on track.

Thinking of you, esp this w/e. Be kind to yourself sweetie xx

Oh and, DH and bro are all football and play station mad... The expectation is always that guys don't do much (cultural I guess) so he tends to do behind the scenes stuff but very little on the face of it. I think both his and my mum would drop dead of a heart attack if they knew how much he actually does. And Im not protecting him, he's the kind of guy who after dinner takes kids up reads to them whilst I do the dishes, puts them to bed gets clothes ready for next day for family then will brush or mop kitchen floor, or do a quick vac if the lounge needs it. He was raised in a super clean house and to this day is very tidy without making a fuss.... Like I said nothing fazes him.

In that case take some of the money and buy some takeaways, ready meals or similar for you all for next week so you don't have to worry about cooking after a busy weekend.

One tip - don't drink the vodka in front of the in-laws!

I don't think I will need to feign a headache... The migraine has already kicked in.

Spring, thanks for that but they don't cover my area. I wish they did as they seem like a great place.

Reading back I wonder how many folk think I'm crazy. I'm not really crazy, I think? I have a very responsible job and at work can make decisions and delegate etc but at home.... Something falls apart in me.

And I did actually omit to tell you that on the day before I went to the gp I actually unplugged all the sockets from the extension lead on the pc and tried to hang myself from the banister. It didn't work the plug kept coming undone and then my 6 year old woke for water. Insane, thinking back now I wonder who that person actually was....

Does your DH know you did that?

No. He emailed me at work to tell me how much he loves me, how much im needed and how great i am at holding it all together and how much im needed by hand the kids, it was the night I was telling him I couldn't cope and he accused me of threatening him. I leave for work early so didn't see him that morning, I don't know if he knew or if it was the conversation that prompted the email.

Ever - no I didn't. I guess in a way I'm scared they will all think I'm insane and take the kids away.... I know how ss work and am terrified they will act "in the children's best interest"....

It is scary to be having these kind of thoughts. It's very scary to actually start to go through the motions. They won't think you are insane and take the children away but they will realise you need more help in dealing with this than you are currently getting.

SS won't take your children - they live in a home with you and your husband, there is no reason at all to break that up, there is no reason to take kids anywhere. it would not be in their interest.

if, say, you needed in patient treatment the children would stay at home with your husband. SS can help finding childcare if needed.

but if you need support you need it.

and it is most likely to be support for you at home in the community

you need to tell GP what you feeling so you can get right help - counselling, support as well as meds - is there occupational health at work?

Just a thought - Can you use the money in the kids accounts to start some counselling? I know that may not seem right to you but having a mum in the 'right place' is going to be more important to them than any money in the bank. You can call someone today and you will be able to make an appointment for Monday ( when I called in floods of tears I found a counsellor who would see me the following day - road to recovery, best money i EVER spent)

find a counsellor near you here

Flowerpot

Last year Antonio Horta-Osorio the Chief Executive Officer of Lloyds Banking Group took 2 months off work for a stress related illness. It was widely reported and this is in the somewhat macho culture of the City. He is back at work and nobody thinks he is incompetant or crazy because he suffered from MH problems.

You can be a good hard working responsible successful person and still suffer MH problems. None of what you are feeling detracts from your value and contribution as a person. There is no shame in what you feel, you have a medical condition that needs treatment but you are still the same lovely person you always were.

You do have a crazy number of people coming over to stay this weekend though.

I think you really need to take on less, lower your expectations of yourself, and look after yourself more.

One good, simple idea is to think what you might say to a friend who told you what you've told us. Be your own best friend.

I was almost in your identical shoes last summer. PND etc and in tears, with harming 'thoughts' and overwhelmed. We had lots of visitors over the summer too and that actually caused things to get seriously too much for me. It was at this point I got help.

I put myself forward for special CBT therapy for PND. It really has helped. I learnt quite a few things, the most important thing being to say no. So I started saying no to anything that would cause me stress and I started to feel less overwhelmed and more empowered. I also started to tell people that I was feeling down and I realised that I wasn't on my own. Lot's had been in my shoes previously. I also got a cleaner etc for ashort period.

What I want to say is that life will get better for you. This tricky stage will pass. Do make your life as easy as possible though. A long visit form a huge family could tip you far too close to the edge. Email your DH and his family and explain that you have had post natal depression for a while but that you are finding things overwhelming at the moment and regretfully can't look after them this weekend. Cancel but suggest a change of venue.

Your DH is making this about him by saying you are threatening him. This is not about him at all - maybe he could read about post natal depression to gain understanding. Can you give him some info? I think he is making light of your state and doesn't realise just how bad you feel.

I've just googled post natal depression on amazon and there are plenty or highly rated books.

Or you could possibly have people over for a short birthday party on say Saturday afternoon, but just say you are not up to having people to stay. ( And they'd have to make their own arrangements for a change) DH should be talking it through with you, finding something you feel happy with, and telling everyone what that is. He can't just put his head in the sand, pretend it's not happening, and carry on as usual.

Or maybe you could go and stay with a friend for the weekend with your DD and pop in one afternoon to visit DH and all the family. Point is, there have to be OPTIONS.