To fantasise about ending it all

[flowerpot77]

Does anyone else ever feel like this? I have two lovely kids, one is 5 and the other will be one on Friday but I just feel like a totally crap mother. I think my kids would be so much better off with out me, I lie in bed imagining taking my own life, sometimes the urge is so strong that it totally consumes me. I imagine my husband finding me dead and how my kids would be without me... I know im stressed, I have just returned to work about 4 weeks ago (full time) and just feel like I cant cope and that every day feels like a ground hog day.... is this normal?

Please go to your doctor and talk about this.

I have had two family members commit suicide. Both thought that everyone would be better off without them, that they would be happier, doing their kids a favor etc.

Their children would do anything to have them back. One of the daughters self harmed for years after her fathers suicide and the son is borderline alcoholic who takes risks with his life every day in his line of work.

At both of the funerals hundreds of people turned up wishing that they had come to them for help. People they hadn't seen for years who would have done anything to help them given the chance.

Ask for help, get better, it won't always feel like this. Many people love you even if you don't feel like it right now. PM me if you want to talk.

We are here for you.

Flowerpot, you are not crazy. Just overwhelmed, exhausted, etc etc. I suffered horrendous PND when my son was born, to the point where I fantasised about taking my son for a walk & just stepping out in front of traffic with him as well. I was in such a dark, dark place. SS were never mentioned, there was never any question of my son being taken from us.
They say only strong people fall apart because weaker people give up way before things get bad. You've been trying to cope with too much for too long & you need help. There's nothing wrong in admitting that.

Big hugs

Flower, I hear you! I had the oddest thoughts about using my husband's insulin to just escape everything. I used to go to bed and convince myself that my dreams were reality and real life wasn't. I would wake in the night and want to scream full voice. I realised I was profoundly depressed and began speaking to my DH about it. Obviously, he was quite alarmed but the more I talked, the better I felt. I did think about seeing my GP but I just couldn't make that step. I can't put my finger on what lifted me, I slowly started to see the point in life again. There are times when I can feel it happening again but over time this has been less and less. I think I recognise the signs and somehow seem to calm myself enough to fend it off. I accepted am not super human and now know my limitations. I listen to my internal needs and respect them. It's a truly horrible place to be, feeling so lost. You need to create space around you for you.

They may not cover your area but the website still looks good for info plus I would call the helpline anyway even if you're out of area. it's a fantastic service

Just wanted to add that the sleep deprivation is massive thing. In the war they used to use sleep deprivation as torture!! If you can find a way of getting more sleep, then that will help alot.

Something that really helped me was that I went and slept in the spare room with ear plugs and my DH slept in the room with the baby. He took the brunt of the sleep issues so I could start to feel more normal again. Now I do 4 nights and he does 3 nights with little one.

I'm sure you are a very lovely mum. The whole getting through the day but not quite being there mentally with the kids is typical of depression. Life passing by and being trapped. Remember do say no to various demands where you can - the more you say it the better you will feel.

Yes, I have felt like this sometimes, and only how much my children love and need me, and how desperately it would hurt my family and friends kept me going and eventually on the up. Please speak to someone. I found it helped me so much. You definitely aren't a bad mother. Motherhood is so idealised and none of us can live up to this perfect image. Please get sleep; get support. Your children are most definitely not better off without you. You are their whole world and they adore you and need you. This awful time will pass. Sending lots of love.

Flowerpot.
I can tell by the way you are posting that you are a lovely, caring and selfless person.
There is help out there; from the Samaritans, to us, and yes, even SS. Please please avail yourself of all the help you can get.
Mental illness is just as valid as physical illness, and you my darling are just ill.
Not crazy, not a bad mother, not a failure. Just ill, and you can get better, with help.
Don't try to get through this on your own. You need to be really honest with your DH. Cancel the fucking party. Cancel anything that is adding to your stress. You baby doesn't care. (S)he just needs you to get better and be OK again.
Stay in touch, talk to everyone you think may be of help and under no circumstances be ashamed of the way you feel.
These things can only flourish in the dark. Shine a light on the problem and have the courage to let others face it with you.
We are all here for you.
xxx

You won't feel any different yet, that's normal as it can take a couple of weeks to feel the effects of the medication. Well done on getting back to the GP and finding the help you need - you've done the right thing. Hope you will be feeling much better soon.

What an awful thing to be going through. I think you have been very brave to go to the GP, and I hope things get better for you soon xxx

I'm on sertraline, it was a miracle drug for me. It gave me myself back.

I had pnd, suicidal thoughts, and hideous anxiety/ panic attacks.

What I didn't admit to at the time was hearing voices in my head, and developing obsessive tics. That bit just freaked me out too much to share.

The minute I fessed up to the depression though was when things turned around. Doc got me straight on the meds, and although I got worse before I got better (normal with ssri meds) once I got over that, it was smooth sailing to recovery.

You will be happy again. I promise you that. Wishing you all the luck in the world, and sending you strength and massive bear hugs.