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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To fantasise about ending it all

112 replies

flowerpot77 · 01/05/2012 12:31

Does anyone else ever feel like this? I have two lovely kids, one is 5 and the other will be one on Friday but I just feel like a totally crap mother. I think my kids would be so much better off with out me, I lie in bed imagining taking my own life, sometimes the urge is so strong that it totally consumes me. I imagine my husband finding me dead and how my kids would be without me... I know im stressed, I have just returned to work about 4 weeks ago (full time) and just feel like I cant cope and that every day feels like a ground hog day.... is this normal?

OP posts:

JingleMum · 01/05/2012 14:26

you won't always feel like this forever, things will get so much better and you will be happy - I PROMISE.

your kids need you, no matter what you think you are doing a fantastic job and they love and need you more than anything in this world. please, please, please phone the samaritans and then go and see your GP. you can and will get this sorted. xx

everlong · 01/05/2012 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foxeeroxee · 01/05/2012 14:33

Speaking from experience you should go to gp asap due to the fact that citalopram can increase suicidal thoughts.Gp may decide to try you with something else.

Please try and get some support either from dp, family or gp and dont forget your dc are lovely because of how you have raised them.They would definitly not be better of without you.
Best of luck.

(Probably x-posted with someone!)

valiumredhead · 01/05/2012 14:35

OP you MUST tell the receptionist you are having suicidal thoughts and are on/have been taking citalopram, otherwise you might not get an appt

Do it NOW x

imnotmymum · 01/05/2012 14:35

I have nothing extra to add to help except that get some help and you will come out on the other side I promise. Your kids need you in their life

betterwhenthesunshines · 01/05/2012 14:38

Lots of people have felt like you do. I know it may not feel like it at the moment but things will get better again. As others have said there is other medication that may suit you better and your GP is the best one to help you with this so make an appointment now. Don't worry about depending on it - the mediaction just gets you to a state of mind where you can start sorting things out.

I also found this book helpful. PND can hit at anytime, just because your youngest is only just one, don't think it can't apply to you.

Original poster

flowerpot77 · 01/05/2012 14:40

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and reply to my post.

I have just been to see my GP, he has prescribed me Sertraline Im really hoping that this works for me. My job is quite stressful right now. So much has changed in the year I have been off (I work for the NHS) all processes etc seem so complicated and we have also merged with a neighbouring trust so jobs are at risk. I guess the worry of losing my job is a big one as we do need my salary to make ends meet. Theres also a chance that we could be relocated to an office 45 minutes away. I suppose it?s a combination of so many different things. My husband works full time and normally isn?t home before 7, but is a loving chilled out person ? I don?t know how much more he could do. I guess I just feel trapped in my situation and cant see any way out? I also feel like I never get the chance to enjoy my children in the sense that I do everything for them in practical ways but never really have ?time? with them ? that probably makes no sense at all?. That?s pretty much me at the moment really ? making no sense!

OP posts:

BenderBendingRodriguez · 01/05/2012 14:42

So pleased you have sought help. WELL DONE. I really hope you carry on getting the help you deserve and that it works to lift your depression.

Your children will categorically not ever be better off without you. Take it from me :(

Original poster

flowerpot77 · 01/05/2012 14:45

I guess I really am just tired. My little one still wakes 2/3 times in a night - my GP said not to underestimate how sleep deprivation can affect moods. But I have tried everything with her she just dont want to go through the night. Anyway, better get back to work....

OP posts:

Idiotishprattle · 01/05/2012 14:54

Glad to hear you have been to see your GP. Things will get easier and feeling depressed can make you feel really tired as well. Thinking of you and remember there is alway someone to talk to anytime day or night. It's helps to have someone there to listen to you
I would say that MN is available 24 hours except that lately they appear to have let the hamster off the wheel

AllYoursBabooshka · 01/05/2012 14:55

You know, Your posts sound a little more bright and hopeful. Your GP is 100% right about sleep deprivation it causes all sorts of problems.

Really well done on going to your GP for help.

Good luck and keep posting if you need to talk. :)

Original poster

flowerpot77 · 01/05/2012 15:05

Does anyone have an experience with this medication?

OP posts:

DeathByChocolate01 · 01/05/2012 15:12

Well done for being so pro-active about getting help! That's a very strong thing to do. :) I was in exactly the same situation, switching from citalopram to sertraline because the citalopram was giving me unpleasant intrusive thoughts, and I found the sertraline very helpful. :) It started working quite quickly for me once I'd switched, so I hope it will for you too! Good luck.

Lovelynewboots · 01/05/2012 15:52

I have been on Citalopram before and it can make you feel about flat and dead inside with no real emotion. When my personal situation improved I was fortunate enough to be able to come slowly off Citalopram with a lot of support from my gp.

thekidsrule · 01/05/2012 16:07

im on your new medication and have been for a few years prozac before that

i cant say ive had any bad side effects,i have put on alot of weight but i really think that is to do with my eating habits and not the meds

i find i really have to be strict with taking them as if i dont i can and everybody else feels the effects,so i guess they must be doing their job

i wouldnt say i feel suicidal,may think briefly but not serious about it but my kids dad died 3yrs ago so now i feel totally responsible and now could never seriously do it

keep taking them,i have days of feeling lifes great to being very alone,but mines also for OCD and very hyper so may effect you different

sleep is fine also on these

im sure your a fab mum and you do have alot going on,please confide in your hubby he probably dosent realise whats fully going on

all the very best

CremeEggThief · 01/05/2012 16:33

All the very best with the new medication and you do sound a bit brighter. I also think you could do with someone to talk to and is there any way you could get signed off? I know you just went back a few weeks ago, but it sounds as if work is a big part of the problem.
I wish you all the best.

MissVforVendetta · 01/05/2012 16:34

Flowerpot, I had sertraline for a year following PND (Diagnosed after DD's first

It really helped me, along with counselling (I had to sort the counselling myself though- maybe you could get some through work if you feel up to it).

My baby was also a prolific night waker, and only since she started sleeping through did I realise the impact this had on how I felt.

I was working full time, trying to keep everything together, the house tidy, everyone in clean clothes and cooking every night.

It was so hard, but the meds really did help me, just evening things out was such a big help. If you want to ask me anything about my experience of them, feel free to pm me.

thebody · 01/05/2012 16:45

Hugs to u flowerpot to be honest your life at the moment does ski d fl of stressed and uncertainties, anyone would be stressed in your position, totally understandable.

Wise advice On here and I know from experience if u post on mumsnet talk section for depression and mental illness the help and advice is wonderful.

My dd is suffering PTSD and the support and help I got on there was amazing.

Again hugs xxx

JugglingWithTangentialOranges · 01/05/2012 16:47

All I can add to everyone's good advice is just to wonder whether it would be possible to consider working P/T, at least for a while. Is there any flexibility for that both with your employers ( I would think there might be with such a big employer as the NHS) and for your family finances. Maybe try to talk with DH about the possibilty. I think it really is hard on women to be asked to "juggle" or manage it all. Not everyone can do it - it's a huge ask.

Finding some ways to reduce the stress could be very helpful I feel. You say you feel stuck but hopefully there are always options. There have to be better options anyway than the one that's sometimes been on your mind. That is a PANTS option !!

So glad you've been back to your GP. Well done to you for that, and for raising two lovely DCs. They didn't raise themselves you know !

porcamiseria · 01/05/2012 16:52

sweetheart, please see doctor its not right to feel this bad, you sound vv depressed

sorry

and agree start with samaritans, PLEASE x

AndFanjoWasHisNameO · 01/05/2012 17:00

Oh lovely flowerpot have this.
You are being so hard on yourself expecting to feel settled back in after 4 short weeks. I was SO overwhelmed when I went back after my 1st baby that I cried for weeks (also NHS and management so shitloads had happened whilst I was off) everyone expected me to know everything about everything and I wasn't in any fit state to be arsed with being a mum/wife/friend once I finally did get home. I really felt like all I'd ever dreamed of having was here-and it was a massive anticlimax.
Add a dollop of horrid mismanaged PND on top and it's little wonder you feel so rotten.
Try this new medication, try not to worry to much about restructures etc-they always scaremonger over them but relatively few people actually end up jobless.
Your children are lovely because of you, this proves you must be lovely-remember that!
This too shall pass chick

CrispyCod · 01/05/2012 17:02

flowerpot77 Please check in occasionally and let us know how it's going and if the medication is working. You probably don't realise it but by starting this thread you are an inspiration to others who may be feeling the same way. By reading your story it will inspire others to get help too.

CremeEggThief · 01/05/2012 18:08

Well said, Crispycod.

Coconutty · 01/05/2012 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

flowerpot77 · 01/05/2012 18:24

I cant believe the responses I have had today. It feels so humbling that complete strangers would take the time to talk to me. I scared myself so much at 430 this morning that I felt I needed to say something to someone or end up ruining my kids lives... and now i feel like there is a little light ... all i need to do is find the tunnel! (sat navs are really rubbish).

My own family live hundreds of miles away, as do all my closest friends. I couldnt offload something like this over the phone to anyone so today has been a real godsend.

Thank you everyone for all your advice, unfortunately with my job i cant reduce my hours as otherwise (so i have been told off the record) we would loose the funding which isnt viable right now... lots and lots of politics.

Thank you all again, im taking my first tablet tomorrow morning... I will post back and please if you think you know who i am in RL dont say anything..... xx

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