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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset that DD came home from her dads wearing a Muslim headscarf?

125 replies

kunoichi · 01/05/2012 10:06

My ex is Muslim (I'm "non-religious" though I was christened as a child). We had an awful messy break up, courts and worse, and after three years we've finally got to a stage where we can be amicable, or so I thought. Through court and all, we'd agreed our daughter would observe both of our traditions (not eating pork, observing Eid, etc for her Dad, celebrating Christmas with me, etc). Headscarves had never been mentioned throughout our relationship together or at any point when we were discussing DDs upbringing.

DD is 7 now, she visits her dad every weekend and seemed very happy with the situation. But Sunday last she came home wearing a muslim headscarf which covered her hair, neck and chest.

Admittedly it was pouring down with rain and my first assumption was that was the reason she was wearing it (her coat didn't have a hood). But when I spoke to her about it, she said she wanted to wear it all the time, to look pretty and be like her step-mum (my ex remarried a Muslim lady just after the divorce was finalised).

I'm rather upset by this. Since the day she was born, my stance was that DD should be able to enjoy both her parents cultures, and I thought my ex agreed with this. Headscarves have always been out of the question. I personally feel that it's a symbol of oppression (women wear them to prevent men being tempted by them) so seeing my beautiful intelligent 7 year old wearing one almost broke my heart.

What's worse is that yesterday and today she didn't want to go to school because she can't wear the scarf (it is bright blue, and her uniform dictats that if a girl HAS to wear one, it must be black). DD has always LOVED school, and I would go so far as to say she is a gifted child.

Buying her a black one would go against my principles. Both DD and I are respectable people anyway (we don't wear sexualised clothes, respect ourselves as women, etc), and I would feel hurt if she suddenly decided she must wear a headscarf and cover herself to her wrists and ankles when there truly is no need for her to do this.

I'm very anxious about this. My ex is the type to get fired up and after the awful experiences (for both me, DD and my son) when we separated I'm really worried about how best to approach this.

Does anyone else here have any experience of something like this and how best I should approach it? Any advice would be very welcome right now. I'm on the verge of tears and am well aware that my anxieties are troubling DD too =(

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 01/05/2012 10:10

She is 7, she is experimenting a bit, at an age when she is beginning to understand more about religion.

I can see your point, but I think you should let her wear the scarf if it is because she wants to do so.

She may well get fed up of it in no time at all and change her mind again.

The more you say no, the more likely she is to dig her heels in and want to wear it.

WorraLiberty · 01/05/2012 10:11

Headscarves had never been mentioned throughout our relationship together or at any point when we were discussing DDs upbringing.

Headscarves have always been out of the question

So which is it? Or was he supposed to read your mind?

WorraLiberty · 01/05/2012 10:13

Anyway, just compromise and tell her she can wear it at home because you're not buying her a black one for school.

My DS is not allowed to wear his Kickers to school because they're the wrong colour.

Therefore he doesn't.

switchtvoffdosomelessboring · 01/05/2012 10:14

I think yanbu.

If she wants to wear a headscarf - where is the harm? If you go along with in I'd bet she will wear it once or twice and forget it.

I honestly wouldn't make a big deal out of it.

ChunkyMonkeyMother · 01/05/2012 10:15

Squeaky toy has got it in one - she's just rebelling - having a little push of the barriers - go and buy her a black one, guaranteed it'll be a flash in the pan! If not then does it matter? You say you are raising her to be self respecting so she won't be repressed - you must teach her to be self respecting and confident - a scarf won't strip her of this

porcamiseria · 01/05/2012 10:15

what squeky said

try to not make a big deal of it

I know inside you are un turmoil, but she is 7 and she wont get the issues you have

redskyatnight · 01/05/2012 10:15

If she's 7 I think you may be overthinking. She's been given something pretty that she wants to wear and has not realised there are any religious connotations (a bit like my DD wants to wear my friend's necklace with a cross on just because she likes the look of it). If you tell her that she can't wear it to school as it's not uniform but can wear it in evenings and weekends she'll most likely get bored with it pretty soon. She probably only wanted to show it off to her friends.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 01/05/2012 10:16

It's not fair that the disagreement between you and her father is going to make your daughter unhappy. Buy her a black scarf and tell her it's up to her if she wants to wear it or not. She might be terrified that if she doesn't wear it, her daddy won't love her anymore or something - who knows what's going on in her head. As long as she knows that you love her more than the world no matter what she is wearing, and that it is up to her to wear or not wear a scarf, what's the big deal. This should be about your daughter's happiness and well being, not about scoring points between you and your ex. It's a headscarf, it's just a piece of cloth. The bigger a deal you make, the more out of proportion the whole thing might get in her head.

TheRhubarb · 01/05/2012 10:16

Sit down with your dd. Explain what the headscarf means to you. Ask her if it seems fair that women have to cover their hair, head and neck and men don't. Tell her that many women in Muslim countries have no choice but to wear these headscarves, even if they don't want to. In a 7yo's mind that means that no-one gets to see their pretty hair dos and even when it's sunny and hot, they have to wear a hot scarve to cover themselves up.

You could even research it with her on the internet so that she reads about the hijab herself. You could even look at the case of Saudi Arabia and how women are treated there. Explain that some women are publicly flogged and whipped for not wearing these clothes.

Explain that this is the reason you don't want her to wear something that means oppression for so many women. Explain that you don't mind her wearing it for fashion reasons. If she is insistent then do a deal with her, tell her that if she still wants to wear it by the age of 9 then you will allow her to do so.

This is where you have to tread carefully. You can explain your reasons for not wanting her to do something like this and encourage her to research it herself, so she gets both sides of the argument, but ultimately this is something that she has to make her own mind up about. All you can do is to provide the western point of view and ensure she questions everything.

timetoask · 01/05/2012 10:16

This is one of the reason why I would never get involved with someone who has completely different believes to me. I would be fuming to be honest. But unfortunately I am not sure there is much you can do in this case.

flatpackhamster · 01/05/2012 10:17

I didn't realise the headscarf was a Muslim symbol. I thought it was a cultural artefact that has just been tacked on to the religion. Doesn't the Koran say you have to dress modestly without specifying headscarves?

Original poster

kunoichi · 01/05/2012 10:19

WorraLiberty - sorry for the confusion. What I meant is that I've always made my feelings about not wanting to wear a headscarf clear, and that the possibility of DD wearing one had never been brought up. So naturally I assumed it wouldnt become an issue.

OP posts:

MrsSnow · 01/05/2012 10:20

I agree with squeekytoy, that if you say no she will dig her heels in. Let her wear it. The more you make an issue out of it, the more it will be an issue.

Just for the record none of the women who I know who wear a scarf are remotely oppressed.

At 7 there is religious need for her to wear it all the time. Maybe try and discuss when people wear it ie grown up ladies, when praying etc. At the end of the day she is 7, she has a dual religious background so you were always bound to have some cross over. It might not have been your Ex who gave it to her but she knows she has two backgrounds and this is her way feeling as if she has both worlds.

CallMeAl · 01/05/2012 10:20

You probably should have thought about something as basic as this before having children.

But shes seven. Let her wear the scarf with her dad and not with you. It doesn't need to be a big deal.

squeakytoy · 01/05/2012 10:21

I would not go that far Rhubarb.

A 7 year old is likely to then start repeating this to others, without the maturity to discuss the issue properly, which could cause upset at her dads house, and with her stepmother.

I dont think a 7 year old is mature enough to fully understand how SOME women feel about headscarves and the point of them in SOME countries.

I know many muslim women who, in this country, wear a headscarf because they want to, not because they have been forced to.

FantasticDay · 01/05/2012 10:22

AFAIK, there are no requirements in even the strictest forms of Islam for little girls to cover, so I think she's just exploring. I think I'd let her play dress up at home, but you have the final say over what she wears to school. (FWIW, my six year old was quite keen on becoming a Catholic after she went to a truly excellent confirmation party. She sometimes puts a hijab on to be like her best friend too.)

cantspel · 01/05/2012 10:22

If you are uncomfortable with it then say no. Just in the same way as you would say no to a mini skirt and high heels for a 7 year old. Even if her dad wants her to wear one for religious reasons there is no need until puberty and by then she is old enough to choose for herself.

WorraLiberty · 01/05/2012 10:23

But it's not an issue unless you make it one.

She's not being forced to wear a headscarf....she's choosing to wear one like her Stepmother.

Headscarf today....maybe a baseball cap next week.

It's just a headscarf to her at this age.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/05/2012 10:25

My DH is muslim and his family live in North Africa (I am a christian). All of his sisters wear the hijab i.e. headscarf plus long covering clothes when they go out. None of the girls wear the headscarf at the age of 7, it is not regarded as required prior to puberty.

Rather than trying to explain cultural / religious significance etc to a 7 year old who probably only wants to wear something that looks nice perhaps explain that muslim girls don't have to wear it when they are 7. She can wear it at her dad's if she likes.

ReallyTired · 01/05/2012 10:25

"What's worse is that yesterday and today she didn't want to go to school because she can't wear the scarf (it is bright blue, and her uniform dictats that if a girl HAS to wear one, it must be black). DD has always LOVED school, and I would go so far as to say she is a gifted child"

That would really make me wonder what has been said to her. Has she been told that she is indecent. I am not a muslim but surely a headscarf is worn from pubety rather than the age of seven. In our area girls tend to start wearing headscarfs at secondary school age. Does your dd school have any muslim TAs or teachers who could advise.

MrsSnow · 01/05/2012 10:26

Rhubarb - thats quite OTT. She is 7 AND has a dual background. If OP stance has been accept/promote aspects of each religion then take her swimming or something but giving her a lecture on what individual countries do is pretty tough for a 7 year old.

The more that you dig in, the more she will dig in. I have plenty of friends from half muslim families whose non muslim parent would dig in and say no to certain muslim activities only for them as adult to become extremely religious muslims.

DinahMoHum · 01/05/2012 10:27

its only a headscarf, its not as if its a burka. I think just let her and hope its a phase and if its not, support her anyway

QuintessentialShadows · 01/05/2012 10:27

It is totally different though, if it is what the girl herself wants, isnt it?

You did not want your ex to decide your dd wears a headscarf?
But what about yourself? Do you think he will like that you are refusing to let your dd wear it when she wants to? You are doing exactly what you are worried he does, namely to push your dd to do or not do something you dont approve of.
This is not about what you want, but what your daughter wants. I cant see a headscarf harming anybody or anything.

cantspel · 01/05/2012 10:31

I dont see it any different just because the child says she wants to wear it.

You wouldn't say it was ok for a 7 year old to wear high heels just because she wanted to or a crop top with mini and fish nets. If the mum is uncomfortable with it then she can say no to her wearing it.

TheRhubarb · 01/05/2012 10:31

The OP seemed quite unhappy about this. So explaining WHY she is so unhappy to her dd seemed reasonable.

Ok, 7 is probably a bit young but if they are going to embrace aspects of different cultures and religions then they should know everything about that, including opinions from all sides. I'm sure her dad and stepmother are busy promoting all the benefits of their religion and culture, so if you want her to be aware of both aspects, you'd also tell her the disadvantages so she can make her own mind up when she's older.

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