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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that DD came home from her dads wearing a Muslim headscarf?

125 replies

kunoichi · 01/05/2012 10:06

My ex is Muslim (I'm "non-religious" though I was christened as a child). We had an awful messy break up, courts and worse, and after three years we've finally got to a stage where we can be amicable, or so I thought. Through court and all, we'd agreed our daughter would observe both of our traditions (not eating pork, observing Eid, etc for her Dad, celebrating Christmas with me, etc). Headscarves had never been mentioned throughout our relationship together or at any point when we were discussing DDs upbringing.

DD is 7 now, she visits her dad every weekend and seemed very happy with the situation. But Sunday last she came home wearing a muslim headscarf which covered her hair, neck and chest.

Admittedly it was pouring down with rain and my first assumption was that was the reason she was wearing it (her coat didn't have a hood). But when I spoke to her about it, she said she wanted to wear it all the time, to look pretty and be like her step-mum (my ex remarried a Muslim lady just after the divorce was finalised).

I'm rather upset by this. Since the day she was born, my stance was that DD should be able to enjoy both her parents cultures, and I thought my ex agreed with this. Headscarves have always been out of the question. I personally feel that it's a symbol of oppression (women wear them to prevent men being tempted by them) so seeing my beautiful intelligent 7 year old wearing one almost broke my heart.

What's worse is that yesterday and today she didn't want to go to school because she can't wear the scarf (it is bright blue, and her uniform dictats that if a girl HAS to wear one, it must be black). DD has always LOVED school, and I would go so far as to say she is a gifted child.

Buying her a black one would go against my principles. Both DD and I are respectable people anyway (we don't wear sexualised clothes, respect ourselves as women, etc), and I would feel hurt if she suddenly decided she must wear a headscarf and cover herself to her wrists and ankles when there truly is no need for her to do this.

I'm very anxious about this. My ex is the type to get fired up and after the awful experiences (for both me, DD and my son) when we separated I'm really worried about how best to approach this.

Does anyone else here have any experience of something like this and how best I should approach it? Any advice would be very welcome right now. I'm on the verge of tears and am well aware that my anxieties are troubling DD too =(

OP posts:
SooticaTheWitchesCat · 01/05/2012 12:06

I think you should let her wear it at home but tell her it isn't allowed for school. As others have said, the more of an issue you make it the more it will become.

My husband is a Muslim and although his mother and sisters wear a scarf we have agreed our girls wont. His family don't live in this country so they wont have any influence and he is quite modern in his religious approach anyway.

bejeezus · 01/05/2012 12:16

just read more of the thread.....

lots of 7 yo/ 6yo and 5yo wear headscarves round here

Also, lots of confident, intelligent non-oppressed Muslim women CHOOSE to wear them

She will always have her fathers and step mothers influence. You are there to balance it and give an alternative point of view. She will make her own informed decisions in time

mrsruffallo · 01/05/2012 12:24

I don't like seeing little girls in headscarves. The wearing of a headscarf is a decision a grown up makes and the reasons behind donning such a garb are far too complex for a child to understand.
I would explain to her that she can wear one when she is older if she so wishes but that it is something you find inappropriate for a child.

mrsruffallo · 01/05/2012 12:26

I don't believe that at seven the issue will escalate. If she was 14 and you refused, then yes, but at 7 mummy knows best.

bruxeur · 01/05/2012 12:28

Stick her in a heavy, black burqa - see how long that lasts.

bejeezus · 01/05/2012 12:29

mrsruffalo it may escalate if she has her father and step-mum continually trying to get her to wear one and mum telling her she cant Sad

bejeezus · 01/05/2012 12:29

it may become a really painful issue for her

CupOfBrownJoy · 01/05/2012 12:34

She's half muslim, you can't get away from that.

She may just be experimenting now, but if she wants to wear hijab when she's older, it's not your place to try and stop her imho.

Would you stop her if she developed an interest in Christianity and asked to attend church?

mrsruffallo · 01/05/2012 12:42

Is that a good enough reason to let her wear one, bejeezus? I think not. Op's beliefs are as valid as ex husbands, even if they they are non religious.
In addition to many muslims believing that the wearing of a headscarf is unnecessary proir to puberty, I say the OP had every right to counter their desire to cover her up.

Hopefully the days of ex wives having to give in to their former husbands demands for fear of reprisals are on their way out.

ChrisPeacock · 01/05/2012 12:44

lol cupofbrownjoy

Can you be half muslim? either you are or are not

mrsruffallo · 01/05/2012 12:44

Goodness me, Cup, she is seven. If my seven year old developed an interest in christianity then no, I am afrad I wouldn't drag myself along every Sunday.
What are you insinuating by that question anyway?

edam · 01/05/2012 12:45

I'd be fuming if I were you. How dare her father introduce something like this without discussing it with you? It's not a requirement for little girls so he's way out of line. If she wanted to copy his second wife, her Dad should have said 'let's ask Mummy' or kept it for dressing up purposes.

Am disappointed by all the people who think the father's culture automatically trumps the mother's.

droves · 01/05/2012 12:45

How can she be half muslim ?

Dont understand , I thought Muslim was a religion , not a race ...you either are or are not .

If the dd isnt actually muslim , i think its a bit disrespectful to people who are for her to be wearing headscarfs.

IMO the dad is trying to convert his dd by stealth . Or at least make it look like shes a little muslim girl.
Hmm . Which i find a bit odd , as the op wants to educate her about both religions ..

CupOfBrownJoy · 01/05/2012 12:47

I did think that after I typed it ChrisPeacock but ykwim.... a foot in both camps Smile

CupOfBrownJoy · 01/05/2012 12:48

And I'm not talking about now, as I said, she is experimenting now.... but when she's older, if she wants to wear hijab, or go to church, or become a bloody mormon, its up to her!

I know lots of people who wear hijab and are happy to wear it. Not everyone is "forced" Hmm

bejeezus · 01/05/2012 12:50

edam but by saying she cant wear it, you say that the mothers culture/religion trumps the fathers

I dont see it like that- likely the girl is experimenting/playing dress up. You dont want to create a taboo or a situation where the child feels her loyalties to her mother are compromised by her loyalties to her father. As long as OP puts her thoughts forward to her child, I dont think she should stop her wearing it

mrsruffallo · 01/05/2012 13:01

Cups, the child is seven. I don't see how fabricating scenarios about her adult life are very helpful within the context of this discussion.

mrsruffallo · 01/05/2012 13:02

No, beejeezus, which is why it is better the headscarf issue is left until the child is at an age to make an independent decision.

Frontpaw · 01/05/2012 13:03

I would try not to make it an issue. Kids can get fixated on things. Isn't she a bit young anyway (I thought it was for older girls)?

Of course she wants to try things out. I remember at that age deciding that I had to wear trousers under my skirt because I had seen a Pakistani girl with trousers and a long top over it.

What religion/not is she being brought up as? I would explain to her why some women wear these, and that it is a religious and not a style/fashion thing. I am sure she is coming from a visual rather than spiritual angle.

bejeezus · 01/05/2012 13:06

mrsruffalo In this case the headscarf issue cannot be left until the child can make an independant decision, because the father is bringing the issue now

mrsruffallo · 01/05/2012 13:10

Therefore, the mother just has to go along with it, beejeezus? So as to not rock the boat? I don't know what patriarchal ideology you are defending but I would rather my child made an informed choice rather than just doing it becaise we don't want to upset daddy.

theodorakis · 01/05/2012 13:11

Apart from the very devout, where I live in the ME, girls rarely cover until they have started their periods. Increasingly they are now choosing to wait until they are married. I totally understand why this would make you uncomfortable, these Western mum vs Muslim dad battles can escalate and she has plenty of time to decide what religion she wants to be. If she hasn't grown up in a fully Muslim home, she is unlikely to really understand the impact that the headscarf may have, especially if she changes her mind when she is 8 and decides not to wear it after all. I am not saying that all Muslim dads are monsters, far from it, I choose to live in an Islamic country, not for the tax free salary but because we genuinely enjoy the way society works. The other aspect is that sometimes older generations may apply more pressure than she could cope with and, again, if she changed her mind could be in conflict with a whole side of the family. I wish I could advise you more but I can say that I have always found the Muslim Council of Great Britain to be extremely sympathetic and supportive in family issues when I have had friends in trouble.

theodorakis · 01/05/2012 13:14

I agree that she is experimenting but her grandparents or father are unlikely to think that. They may be very happy that she has chosen their path. I think that the older people I know would be quite offended to think of it being described as dressing up, even though that is likely to be the case.

bejeezus · 01/05/2012 13:17

mrsruffalo I do think OP should go along with it, yes. its not about 'not rocking the boat' or 'keeping daddy happy'. The child has asked to wear one-its not the informed decision of an adult-no, but it is her decision.

You could equally say- should the father just have to go along with the mothers decision that the child doesnt wear one, couldnt you

bejeezus · 01/05/2012 13:18

no Muslims I know where offended by my dd wearing a hijab, and infact refered to it as 'dressing up' themselves

They are just kids