to be upset that DD came home from her dads wearing a Muslim headscarf?

[kunoichi]

My ex is Muslim (I'm "non-religious" though I was christened as a child). We had an awful messy break up, courts and worse, and after three years we've finally got to a stage where we can be amicable, or so I thought. Through court and all, we'd agreed our daughter would observe both of our traditions (not eating pork, observing Eid, etc for her Dad, celebrating Christmas with me, etc). Headscarves had never been mentioned throughout our relationship together or at any point when we were discussing DDs upbringing.

DD is 7 now, she visits her dad every weekend and seemed very happy with the situation. But Sunday last she came home wearing a muslim headscarf which covered her hair, neck and chest.

Admittedly it was pouring down with rain and my first assumption was that was the reason she was wearing it (her coat didn't have a hood). But when I spoke to her about it, she said she wanted to wear it all the time, to look pretty and be like her step-mum (my ex remarried a Muslim lady just after the divorce was finalised).

I'm rather upset by this. Since the day she was born, my stance was that DD should be able to enjoy both her parents cultures, and I thought my ex agreed with this. Headscarves have always been out of the question. I personally feel that it's a symbol of oppression (women wear them to prevent men being tempted by them) so seeing my beautiful intelligent 7 year old wearing one almost broke my heart.

What's worse is that yesterday and today she didn't want to go to school because she can't wear the scarf (it is bright blue, and her uniform dictats that if a girl HAS to wear one, it must be black). DD has always LOVED school, and I would go so far as to say she is a gifted child.

Buying her a black one would go against my principles. Both DD and I are respectable people anyway (we don't wear sexualised clothes, respect ourselves as women, etc), and I would feel hurt if she suddenly decided she must wear a headscarf and cover herself to her wrists and ankles when there truly is no need for her to do this.

I'm very anxious about this. My ex is the type to get fired up and after the awful experiences (for both me, DD and my son) when we separated I'm really worried about how best to approach this.

Does anyone else here have any experience of something like this and how best I should approach it? Any advice would be very welcome right now. I'm on the verge of tears and am well aware that my anxieties are troubling DD too =(

I suppose if you suspect it is purely dressing up, you could pop into Accessorise and get some nice hair bands and clips that she won't want to cover.

No, sorry, becoming a Muslim is not an informed choice when you decide over night to wear a headscarf, especially when you are 7.

Ach - you can see it as a symbol of oppression.

Or you can see it as a symbol of your daughter's wish to connect with her father's culture.

wearing a headscarf is not 'deciding to be a muslim'

She isnt wearing it for religions purposes though is she - she said she just wants to look pretty in it like her step mum.

Let her wear it at home but tell her you arent buying her a black one so she cant wear it at school - dont negotiate with her, she is 7 and you are responsible for what she wears at school. dont make a fuss about it, next week she will be wanting to wear something different.

and it's not like she was dressing up putting one of her mum's scarfs over her hair, somebody obviously gave her the scarf and showed her how to wear it. The intent from the adults is the issue, along with communication between parents. The little girl's actions doesn't really come into it.

Just to clarify, my personal opinion is that women who cover themselves are oppressed, they cover themselves to thwart men's attentions which in turn suggests that men are incapable of self-control in the presence of a female. I feel it's unnessary (particularly as we live in the UK) and also demeaning to both women and men for these reasons.

Much as I dislike it, I have allowed DD to wear it and explained that she couldn't wear her blue one for school. I also tried to explain why women wear the hijab, though I don't think she's yet able to understand.

The reason I got upset is because she didn't want to go to school unless she could wear it, suggesting that she feels she MUST wear it, which I really don't think at 7 is appropriate. DD hasn't said that her dad or SM have told her that she should (or not). I really don't want her to feel that she MUST wear it, only if she CHOOSES to.

Admittedly there are a couple of larger issues involved too. As I mentioned before, separating from my ex was an ordeal for all of us. I was incredibly anxious that he may try to take DD back to his home country (so court orders are in place). Also, there has been mention of DD marrying a cousin when she is older - this was mentioned in a jokey, jovial way (exes family are not strict muslims and live in the more liberal North of Africa) but still, I am concerned. So in a way, I can't help but see this as the start of something more.

Luckily I think DD knows her own mind and will question what she believes to be wrong or unfair. I will support what SHE wants, but not her fathers possible enforcement of something she might not want, now or in the future.

betty, what the issue may be is that what you say will probably happen, she will change her mind. What if the paternal side of the family are not happy with this?

She is too young, this shouldn't be encouraged for young girls until they are more an age to think about it and decide for themselves (at least teens). I have no problem when they are older. I can understand that many young girls might want to look like mummy and think it looks grown up or cool but it shouldn't be encouraged on children so young, IMO. If it is just because it looks pretty or cool then she shouldn't be pandered too about wearing it to school. She could always it at home or at her dads if it's just for dressing up.

you sound like youve got your head screwed on OP Im sure youll protect her, if that becomes necessary

FWIW, my dd says she wont go to school, if she cant take suchandsuch, fairly often

I think other issues might be colouring your assessment of her wanting to wear a headscarf. But I think you are aware of that

Does DD's stepmum wear a headscarf? Just as a thought, maybe this is a case of stepmum being a bit indulgent and letting your DD try one of hers, DD deciding she looks pretty and being allowed to take one home with her..

My DD is 6 and if she is ever told to do something every other sentence is prefaced with "mummy/daddy/mrs x (teacher) said I have to". If this has been your DD's idea, I would ride it out, it'll last a week at the most then the next 'big thing' will take over.

Hownoobrooncoo, wearing it at school is the trickiest part of this. At DDs school there are a few girls who wear the hijab because of their faith, not as a fashion statement.

Last year we had a less intense battle because she wanted to wear glasses for school, despite not needing to wear them. This was when I started wearing glasses for reading.

I can't be sure whether DDs insistance to wear it at school is genuinely because she feels it's relevant to her beliefs or if she's trying to get around the rules of non-essential fashion-items-at-school.She's a rather headstrong girl!

A good friend is involved in a similar 'battle' with her exH. They are both Muslim, but he is an extemely devout one. Her dd wears her headscarf when with her father, otherwise not, but that is her choice. Much bigger issues loom in terms of female circumcision and arranged marriage with a member of exH's family.

girls who wear the hijab because of their faith, not as a fashion statement

IME, the boundaries here become blurry for preteens/teenagers!

beejeezus- it has been stated on this thread on numerous occassions and is, in fact, well established within the musilm religion that the headscarf is not seen as necessary on pre pubescent females.
Couple this with the fact that the daughter is not actually a muslim, is seven years old and incapable of considering the feminist issues involved then it becomes a different story.
If you also bring into the equation that it is very much a choice to wear the headscarf(i.e we do notlive in a society where it is automatically assumed that female children will wear a headscarf once they reach puberty) along with the fact that muslim ex husband chose to marry and start a family with a non muslim and agreed not to bring the child up as a muslim then I am sure you will agree that it is not a simple case of the mother asserting her authority over the father.

Presumably you didn't let her wear unnecessary glasses to school? And presumably you wouldn't let her wear a princess/pirate/whatever dressing up outfit to school? Can't a headscarf be put in that category? As for the other girls who do wear one, maybe you'll have to trot out the old maxim of, "I don't care what other girls do. You're my daughter and I decide these things".

Oh, and FWIW, I struggle to accept that those other primary school aged girls wear hijab because of their personal beliefs. Likely, they wear it because it is the norm in their family to do so. Surely there are other Muslim girls in the school who do not wear hijab? If you think your DD is wearing it for "religious reasons", can't you point to them?

beejeezus- it has been stated on this thread on numerous occassions and is, in fact, well established within the musilm religion that the headscarf is not seen as necessary on pre pubescent females

yes-i know this. I do not need to read it on mumsnet

which supports the idea that it isnt about foisting religion on the girl

I know LOADS of 6/7 yo girls who wear headscarves, because their mums/aunties/older sisters/friends do

And so you would support it no matter whatthe scenario? That's blinkered.

Yes that would be blinkered

No, I wouldn't support it whatever the scenario....but I would in this scenario

OP - you have said that you and your ex do not get on, but would you be able to have a conversation with DD's step-mum?

LilRedWG, unfortunately not, it would be very awkward. TBH it would be much less awkward to speak to my ex. These past few months we've both made an effort to be able to talk amicably for DD, for example when she's been ill, her achievements at school, a bullying episode, and the like. Until about a year ago we could barely look one another in the face!

DD is due to come home soon, so we'll talk a little more about her wanting to wear her scarf at school and see how she feels. If she still feels it's an issue to wear it all the time, I think I ought to talk to her dad. Hopefully it will turn out that her hajib is DDs way of trying to be involved in her dad's culture and not enforced, in which case I hope he could explain that it's not compulsory and put her mind at rest. If not then of course we'll have to discuss a way for us both to be comfortable with her upbringing, though I will protest against her having to cover her hair until she's old enough to make an informed choice.

bejeezus Your DD's comments made me laugh (I will admit to having just tied on a hat like this on to answer the door or nip to the shops without doing my hair ). My DD, who hates having her hair combed, has asked if she would have to do it if she wore my or one of my friends' hats (I have several friends who cover their hair, of various religions and none, who've chosen it for many reasons -- not having to deal with bad hair days hasn't been a main reason I've heard yet but it is a bonus). She was most disappointed to hear she would still have to unless she lost her hair or cut it very very short.

I think I would let her wear scarf if she wanted and do nowt just yet.

If it persists over a few weeks check with DH that it was/wasn't instigated by him.

If it was by him then have talk with him about please leave until teens and DD can make up her own mind. If he prefers her to wear it then have talk with DD in detail about what wearing it is about as mentioned in other posts.

It might be a completely innocent experiment like wanting to wear glasses.

Sorry, should have been exDH. (can't help feeling something has been said at his house to DD to make her ask for scarf, but it must be a faff wearing one so would expect her to give up soon)

Headscarves look good and i'm pretty sure Hermes don't sell that many to muslim woman. It appears you are being a little buit jealous that she is wanting to be a bit like her step mother figure. A headscarf is not like a crop top, mini skirt nor fishnets. It is like a baseball cap only prettier.