to be upset that DD came home from her dads wearing a Muslim headscarf?

[kunoichi]

My ex is Muslim (I'm "non-religious" though I was christened as a child). We had an awful messy break up, courts and worse, and after three years we've finally got to a stage where we can be amicable, or so I thought. Through court and all, we'd agreed our daughter would observe both of our traditions (not eating pork, observing Eid, etc for her Dad, celebrating Christmas with me, etc). Headscarves had never been mentioned throughout our relationship together or at any point when we were discussing DDs upbringing.

DD is 7 now, she visits her dad every weekend and seemed very happy with the situation. But Sunday last she came home wearing a muslim headscarf which covered her hair, neck and chest.

Admittedly it was pouring down with rain and my first assumption was that was the reason she was wearing it (her coat didn't have a hood). But when I spoke to her about it, she said she wanted to wear it all the time, to look pretty and be like her step-mum (my ex remarried a Muslim lady just after the divorce was finalised).

I'm rather upset by this. Since the day she was born, my stance was that DD should be able to enjoy both her parents cultures, and I thought my ex agreed with this. Headscarves have always been out of the question. I personally feel that it's a symbol of oppression (women wear them to prevent men being tempted by them) so seeing my beautiful intelligent 7 year old wearing one almost broke my heart.

What's worse is that yesterday and today she didn't want to go to school because she can't wear the scarf (it is bright blue, and her uniform dictats that if a girl HAS to wear one, it must be black). DD has always LOVED school, and I would go so far as to say she is a gifted child.

Buying her a black one would go against my principles. Both DD and I are respectable people anyway (we don't wear sexualised clothes, respect ourselves as women, etc), and I would feel hurt if she suddenly decided she must wear a headscarf and cover herself to her wrists and ankles when there truly is no need for her to do this.

I'm very anxious about this. My ex is the type to get fired up and after the awful experiences (for both me, DD and my son) when we separated I'm really worried about how best to approach this.

Does anyone else here have any experience of something like this and how best I should approach it? Any advice would be very welcome right now. I'm on the verge of tears and am well aware that my anxieties are troubling DD too =(

She's dual heritage, you want her to celebrate Eid and Christmas, and not eat pork.

She a little kid. its not a big deal, its a head scarf. why an't she experiment with fitting into both cultures? At 7 even in orthodox muslim families headscarves are for mosque and otherwise for play/practising being a grown up (at the DDs school I'm amazed the range of different attitudes to head coverings - its an all girl school. Even the most devout take them off when they feel like it in that environment. Some wear them only at ramadan etc and one friend of DD1s wore with when she's been naughty at home!).

She'll probably wear it at dads and not at yours. her choice re school. My guess is she'll try it and decide its' a faff . What I wouldn't want was pressure out on her.

You cannot compare high heels or a crop top with a headscarf!

No child would be allowed to wear either to school.. but there will be other muslim girls who wear headscarves.

She's seven. She's not making a religious statement. She just got one thing new and it's different so it's the cool thing of the moment. She will get bored soon enough. Don't comment on it. If she asks for it let her wear it. If she wants one for school tell her she must save her pocket money for one (my stock response for requests for non essential toys/clothes). By the time she has enough saved she will have moved onto something else.
I would emphasise to her that she should only wear one because she wants to. That if ever she doesn't want to then that's fine. Even if SM is wearing one or her dad would like her to it is her decision alone.
If it continues for a couple of years I would open up a bit about your own feelings, 'I dont like headscarfs as I don't think womn should have to cover up etc etc' but again emphasise they are your opinions and she must decide for herself.

Just let her wear it at home, like all dressing up clothes are worn.

I don't agree with all this "Little so and so wants it so therefore they 'must' have".

I wanted to wear a lot of things to school that my Mum wasn't willing to buy.

I got over it (probably by the following week)

It doesn't matter if they compare or not. The simple fact is the mother is not comfortable with the headscarf and so has the right to say no to her wearing it when the child is with her.

BTW i know several parents who wouldn't turn a hair at a crop top for a 7 year old and will allow them to be worn of mufti days.

Go and buy her some gorgeous hair things possibly with flowers on etc, may be choose them together and then explain that you won't be able to see them under her headscarf. She is only seven and I'm sure sparkly pretty things will win over a black headscarf. Also if you do have to get a black one can you make it a really itchy one - then she won't want to wear it.

Wow, thank you all for the fast responses, I'm so grateful to have instant advice =)

flatpackhamster - I wholly agree with you (apologies if I've offended by calling the scarf "muslim", without looking it up I wasn't sure of the proper term). I have no problem at al if DD feels she wants to be a Muslim. Or a Catholic/Buddhist/Hindu... whatever she chooses! IMHO faith is what you feel in your heart, not in the clothes you wear.

PomBearWithAnOFRS, the last thing I want is for DD to feel torn between me and her Dad. Despite everything thats happened in the past, I know he loves her just as much as I do. I'm perfectly happy for her to wear the scarf because she wants to, so she feels pretty, fits in when she visits her dad, etc. But I am upset if she feels she HAS to wear it.

As much as possible I've tried to shield her from any negative feeling I have toward her father (and wish the same could be said about him!).

So far I've been happy for her to wear the scarf at home and have explained (just talking so far) about the reasons many women choose to wear the hijab in the hope that she understands both sides. Thank you for the suggestions that I help her research this - I'm sure finding out for herself will ensure she doesn't feel like its a battle between mum and dad!

If OP's daughter came home begging to have her ears pierced because her dad and stepmother thought it was pretty and it was done in their culture I suspect the answers here would be different.

Chaz points out that in her family the headscarf is not necessary for 7 year olds. I'll take her word for it in the absence of the opposite view from someone just as well-informed as she is.

When the daughter reaches puberty then she can decide. For now, her mum decides for her.

Of course, the little girl can wear what she likes round her dad's.

OK. I am married to a Muslim, albeit a non-observant one. Some women in my in-law's family wear headscarves. Most - the majority, I would say - do not. None of the girls below puberty wear one but some of them like to wear one occasionally as a dress up kind of thing, much as they might also try on their mother's high heels or lipstick.

My gut feeling is that if you make it an issue it will become one. I would say to her that it's fine if she wants to dress up in one at home / perhaps even when she's with her Dad (although, personally, I wouldn't be comfortable with that at her age). I would also make very plain that girls her age I.e. below puberty are not required to wear one. I certainly wouldn't let her wear one to school.

If, when she's older, she decides to follow Islam and, as a part of that, she decides that she wants to wear the hijab, then so be it. But let it be an informed decision.

This is how I would deal with the problem anyway. It's also how one of my SILs, who is divorced from her very religious husband, deals with her 7 yo occasionally wanting to cover up in the way that women in her Dad's family do.

I must admit if I was you i'd be furious with your ex. Also, minor point but I wouldn't want to be walking about with my 7 yr old in a scarf, while you wear normal clothes, it would look strange and many folk would be judgmental as to a 7 yr old feeling the need to hide her sexuality or attractiveness which is why the scarf is worn generally. I have read many comments on here where people have been angry about little girls wearing this kind of thing at a young age when there is no need, so yes you will judged by some as some will assume you are behind it.

Why would you be furious with the ex?

He's not forcing her to wear it, is he?

She's curious, she's at an age where she wants to dress up like the adults in her life.

Nothing wrong with that.

Could you talk with ex and reach a compromise that she would be given the option when she reaches puberty?
How do you think he'd react?

I am not too bothered about the headscarf. My grandmother is not muslim and she never goes out without one either. :-) She is 101 and not British.

Just to say that it's not a big deal, as such.

You have to consider that they are probably raising her at their home as muslim. Doing the prayers, and will ask her at some point to fast at Ramadan.
It could be as early as this year in July.
Maybe you do want to talk about these issues before they arise and have an agreement in place to save much heartache on all sides.

According to this site, parents are asked to start training from age 7, which seems consistent with your DD's age and the scarf thing.
www.contactpakistan.com/Communitylibrary/Islam/Ramadan/mandatory.htm

MrsSnow, you said "At 7 there is religious need for her to wear it all the time", please could you explain as I'm not aware of this? So far as I've been made to understand my my ex, girls would begin wearing a scarf around their teenage years (if they choose to). He's from a North African country where religion is observed but not strictly enforced. If 7 is the age when muslim girls are expected to begin wearing one, I ought to learn more before discussing it further with DD

kunoichi
At 7 a girl is considered a child. So there would be no "enforcement" even in strict households. Depending on cultural backgrounds, little girls would have scarves which would fit in with an outfit if that makes sense. So at 7 a girl would NOT have to wear a scarf all the time.

The more strict households would want girls to be wearing hijab (full head covering scarf) from a bit before puberty.

I think it's only as big an issue as you make it. I'd probably let her wear it, possibly speak to her teacher about your concerns, and you will probably find that it is a phase that will last a week. Let her research the background of wearing the scarf for herself (preferably in school so you don't come across as being biased) to balance anything she has been told, and make sure that she knows that you love her regardless of whether she wears this scarf or not. (I'm sure she does know this, but she might need reassuring) She may well be torn between "if I wear it Mummy won't love me" and "if I don't wear it then Daddy won't love me"

I wouldn't be happy either. But you can't compare the wearing of a scarf to the wearing of high heels and mini skirts. I think people are right. The phase will wear off. And the more fuss you make the more important it will become. If her Dad didn't agree with the scarf then it wouldn't be an issue at all. I'd just say no. . A lot of very small girls are now starting to wear scarves when out in public. I agree 100% with Debsbear's post.

Thankyou MrsSnow, thats really helped clarify things for me =)

We've always agreed as parents that DD should dress respectably but to me that's just common sense! I am a little anxious that she may be expected to cover to her wrists and ankles after being introduced to the hijab which may well upset her as she's rather opinionated about her dress sense. She's always respectable, just quirky (shorts over leggings, long sleeveless dresses, that kind of thing).

What I really hope is that DD feels she can enjoy both cultures without feeling oppressed or upset. So I will find her a black headscarf in case she wants to wear one for school and support her whether she chooses to wear it or not, and hope that she'll still want to wear her collection of pretty hair accessories!

Well my dd would go out dressed as Christina and Rhysnna if she was allowed to, she isn't.

Say no?don't buy her a black head scarf, tell her it's not mentioned anywhere in the Koran and nip in bud.

You are her mother, if u don't like it don't let her do it.

As others have said, covering the head is not a written requirement of Islam.
But unfortunately it is enforced by some men in order to impose discipline and control on their wives and daughters.
You need to ensure that your daughter understands she can wear a scarf if she chooses, but that it is not a requirement whatever her father or stepmother may say.
Personally I would let her wear the blue scarf as a fashion item if she chooses, but I would not buy her the black one because this is endorsing the need to wear it at school. You will be reinforcing the stepmum's point of view instead of letting her see both sides of the picture.

My prediction is that her father will supply her with a black one during the next visit.

You probably need to talk to him about this, and how his religion is going to feature in DD's life in the years between now and her teens (when she is likely to be better able to make her own choice). The headscarf is but a symptom of the underlying issue.

Why should your DD do things your way rather than his way? He's just as much her parent as you are. Why shouldn't she wear a headscarf?

I can understand the headscarf being a problem for you because of the symbolism, but probably your DD doesn't understand the implications of that yet and is just experimenting. I would try to not make too much of an issue out of it, she will probably get bored with it after a while.

I know it is different, but I can remember my brother going through a phase of wanting to wear a kipa all the time when he was about that age. My father came from an Orthodox Jewish family, but my mother was Christian. Neither of my parents were religious, in fact they became more and more atheist as time went on, partly because of the problems that their marriage caused in the extended family.

We used to often spend shabbat and stay over for the weekends with my grandparents (often without my parents) and at some point my brother decided he wanted to wear his kipa all the time like his granddad. My parents were not impressed! But I don't think my grandfather really encouraged my brother. I can't remember exactly what my parents did, but I remember him wearing the kipa for a bit and then stopping, I just assume the novelty wore off and probably the kipa kept falling off during football and he got bored with it!

It's a novelty at the moment. She doesn't understand it and I would definitely not be keen on her wearing it.

my dd (also 7) started wearing a hijab (which I bought for her at her request).
I have very mixed feelings about it, but decided to let her go with her decision after explaining its meaning and history.

She wore it every day, from morning till night (sometimes overnight too!) for approximately 3 months. Took it off, hasnt worn it since.

I wouldnt make an issue of it

my dds reasons for wearing it;

her friends wear them
she doesnt have to brush her hair if she wears one
its good for wiping her mouth and nose on

not sure what Allah would have to say about that