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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be miserable because he didn't bring a gift?

126 replies

Sarayu · 29/04/2012 13:04

DH has been away with work for 2 weeks. They were given £500 for expenses for food/laundry. Breakfast and everything else was included. We are on a very limited budget so the plan was to use as little as possible and try and salvage a cheap but nice meal out together, when got home. He had access to lidl/aldi put there so was going to buy things to make a packed lunch.

Returned home this morning with £10 left. Fair enough, we can't afford meal out. Here's the AIBU, I'm gutted he didnt bring me a present home. Something small like a bottle of wine for us to share or a little box of chocs. Just something to acknowledge that I hold everything together whilst he is away. We have 2 small children and he is away quite a bit. I'm forever picking up the pieces when they are missing their daddy. I understand it's his job but.... AIBU?!

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 29/04/2012 16:06

If your DH was on military manoeuvres, would they really give him time off to go souvenir shopping?

diddl · 29/04/2012 16:06

Oh I see.

Well tbh if I wanted something like that I´d specifically ask for it as it´s the sort of thing my husband wouldn´t buy as a gift, thinking that it would be insultingHmm

(He has since been put rightGrin)

I would be more bothered about the children getting something.

But I think that if that´s all you wanted & he was in a supermarket daily then he was pretty thoughtless.

Original poster
Sarayu · 29/04/2012 16:12

Personal money as we had no idea how expensive it would be. I didn't want him to go without

OP posts:
TheSoggyBunny · 29/04/2012 16:13

I would guess they wouldn't want the money back anyway, i can imagine that the cost involved in staff time, rebalancing the budget or whatever hr and the finance depts have to do in order to put the money back into the budget would be greater than the sum returned.

It would be in our place for sure. We would get laughed at and ordered to keep the surplus if we tried returning anything.

Original poster
Sarayu · 29/04/2012 16:14

floggingmolly he worked shifts and had weekends off.

OP posts:
curiositykitten · 29/04/2012 16:16

Did you buy him a gift to thank him for spending two weeks away from his children to keep you in the lifestyle you're used to?

Original poster
Sarayu · 29/04/2012 16:21

curiositykitten 'The lifestyle I'm used to?' Seriously.. we spend £50 a week on food shopping for 4 of us. That's a GOOD week. I trawl the carboots and charity shops so my children can have nice toys and clothes... and yes, I did 'buy' him a gift. I made sure there was enough left in the food budget so I can give him his favourite dinner as a thank you.

OP posts:
hairylemon · 29/04/2012 16:23

Sunscorch it is not illegal or dishonest in any way

They are taxed and subject to Ni. If the employee gives it back the employer will have to work out what tax / ni is owed back to the employee which is why they DON'T EXPECT IT BACK

Sunscorch · 29/04/2012 16:26

AIBU to expect people to read the post where I agreed that taxed additional income was fine to spend as you like?

DialsMavis · 29/04/2012 16:30

you said it was still "morally dubious"...

LtEveDallas · 29/04/2012 16:31

If you are telling the truth and your DH is military, then no receipts is bollocks.

Nightly subsistence is a maximum of £25.00 per 24 hour period actual expenses. Rates can be aggregated after 72 hours 'Out of Bed' but all receipts are to be shown on return if called to audit, and are to be kept by the SP for 2 years if not.

CILOR is different. Cash in lieu of rations is used when SP are on adv trg or expeditions. The OIC controls all spends and SP would be expected to 'muck in'. The OIC would be expected to return funds not spent. If he hasn't, that's fraud. Oh and it it is Adv Trg or an Exped - then he didn't have to go, he chose to go.

Original poster
Sarayu · 29/04/2012 16:35

I can assure you he is in the miliatary! I asked him why no receipts. He said they've now changed it as claiming back with receipts was actually costing them more money than they were saving. It was an exercise, the whole squadron had to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarayu · 29/04/2012 16:36

and it would be a really random thing to lie about Confused

OP posts:
PoppadumPreach · 29/04/2012 16:38

Sunscorch - you are not reading what I have written carefully enough!

Previously I said the £500 was compensation for the fact he is living away from home and to cover living expenses.

i.e. the £500 was not just for living expenses - it was part compensation for living away from home - you still have to pay rent at home, you may miss clubs or classes you pay for, you can't use gym memberships, you can't go out and se your friends/family

seriously, you are chasing your tail here - I will repeat myself - it is 100% OK for him to spend it on ANYTHING he likes.

LtEveDallas · 29/04/2012 16:40

Ok, op seriously I'd get your DH to speak to his admin office ASP. A unit is absolutely not allowed to follow anything other than the rules. They cannot unilaterally decide not to follow them. They, and all the SP under them would be charged with fraud.

If he has been given a blanket 500 quid to spend as he likes then there is every chance it is going to bite him in the arse as soon as the Admin office has its annual inspection - at which point he could be asked to pay it back.

Seriously op - its my job.

MamaMaiasaura · 29/04/2012 16:41

Was he really away with work? No receipts is very odd. Still think its quite odd to be upset about lack of gift and petty too

Original poster
Sarayu · 29/04/2012 16:43

Thanks Dallas He said theirs and a couple of other squadrons were trying it out. If sucessful will be rolled out to other squadrons.

OP posts:
Sunscorch · 29/04/2012 16:47

It was part compensation for living away from home

I don't really see why that's assumed. Employers have no reason to "compensate" employees for something that they are contractually obliged to do.

Sunscorch · 29/04/2012 16:49

you said it was still "morally dubious"...

Because I think it is. I didn't say it was theft or fraud, though.

FormSquare · 29/04/2012 16:51

Sarayu, it could be a trial, where a set amount of money is issued and then not accounted for (which itself costs money).

Just make sure he keeps any paperwork that tells him he didn't have to keep receipts, if he can't hold the receipts as well.

BeaHededd · 29/04/2012 22:12

In the Forces when you go away and are in non
Military accommodation you are given "Rates" these are to cover the costs of any meals that are not included and laundry as no one would hve enough uniform for 2 weeks. What standard of food you buy or if you only eat Pot Noodles and spend the rest on beer is your choice. You cannot walk into SHQ after the detachment and hand over the left over. Receipts are not required
.So YANBU as I always bought home presents from every trip to show my DM my gratitude for looking after DD.

Kayano · 29/04/2012 22:14

Imagine if this was MPs expenses

Lmao is this a joke?

JoyceDivision · 29/04/2012 22:22

I'm sorry, but all op wants to know is should dp have brought back a token gift.... Sunscorch, do you actually have a life??

I was going to go to bed but I can not tear my self away from the sheer boringness of the posts that the poor op has seen take over her thread!!!

Now, all together 'Leave the bastard Grin

Sunscorch · 29/04/2012 22:37

Sunscorch, do you actually have a life?

Not on a Sunday :)

MrsSchadenfreude · 29/04/2012 22:42

What Lt Eve says. I used to work with the military and MOD civvies and their claims were a PITA (as are all government departments). Everything has to be receipted. I had great fun with checking some claims for a colleague from Georgia, Azerbaijan and Belgium. To give flat rate subby, as they used to do, would have been much simpler (and more cost effective and less time consuming) than getting someone to sign off claims for every bag of crisps and sandwich.