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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be miserable because he didn't bring a gift?

126 replies

Sarayu · 29/04/2012 13:04

DH has been away with work for 2 weeks. They were given £500 for expenses for food/laundry. Breakfast and everything else was included. We are on a very limited budget so the plan was to use as little as possible and try and salvage a cheap but nice meal out together, when got home. He had access to lidl/aldi put there so was going to buy things to make a packed lunch.

Returned home this morning with £10 left. Fair enough, we can't afford meal out. Here's the AIBU, I'm gutted he didnt bring me a present home. Something small like a bottle of wine for us to share or a little box of chocs. Just something to acknowledge that I hold everything together whilst he is away. We have 2 small children and he is away quite a bit. I'm forever picking up the pieces when they are missing their daddy. I understand it's his job but.... AIBU?!

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 29/04/2012 14:16

Ah. Sorry for double post.

Onethingatatime · 29/04/2012 14:27

Sunscorch. It's a bit harsh to call it theft! I work in hr and we give our employees per diems when they travel abroad, they get a set amount and don't provide receipts. It's a pretty common practice- hubby Also gets them and he often chooses to live cheaply and we have a family day out when he comes home.

Op any chance you and hubby could manage a night out together- its tough when you spend time apart x

HappyGirlNow · 29/04/2012 14:27

Sunscorch, not really sure what bit you're not getting and why you think you know better than the OP what the procedures and expectations are around the 'expenses' in this situation!

But OP, YABU, your DH is away working not on holiday, and I don't really think a present is required. I do get that you feel unappreciated though - you need to tell him that.

PoppadumPreach · 29/04/2012 14:28

YANBU, OP.

Sunscorch it's not theft, you're 100% wrong. no argument. Now calm down and go and make yourself a nice cup of tea, you cheeky little hothead.

talkingnonsense · 29/04/2012 14:29

This reply has been deleted

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hairylemon · 29/04/2012 14:31

YANBU I get where you are coming from

I dont see it as stealing at all if hed come back with some money. Its the same as being given a per diem only he got it all in one go. IME companies do it to get out of the ball ache of administering expenses, and its also a way of giving the worker a bit of an uplift. They are not daft, they know that the £30 or whatever they give a day doesnt all go on food. I used to have a worker for me who pocketed his per diem that was for "food and accomodation" and ate a Pot Noodle every day and slept on his mates floor.

If expenses are given without any agreement in writing as to what happens if they are not all spent, or the company dont want to see receipts, then what you do with it is up to you.

hairylemon · 29/04/2012 14:35

also its worth mentioning that a lot of companies give a per diem as a way of acknowledging that the worker is away from home and is 'compensation' for that so pffffft Sunscorch

As a side Sunscorch when you have any left over money from your salary every month do you give it back to the company? I hope you do, given that you obviously dont need the excess......

LittleLucifer · 29/04/2012 14:35

Sunscorch, what on earth are you on about? Of course it's not theft. Why are you missing the point the OP is making on purpose?

OP - I think you should either have a good chat with your DH about your expectations or just lower them for the future. Me and my dp are not big gifty people so this wouldn't worry me. I would certainly expect some gratitude and appreciation for holding the fort though - cups of tea and cuddles would do it.

diddl · 29/04/2012 14:37

Sounds a bit childish to me to miserable about it tbh.

It would have been nice, yes, but no big deal that it didn´t happen.

Can also see how the money was easily spent-especially if eating out with colleagues.

MainlyMaynie · 29/04/2012 14:39

Sunscorch, you don't sound like you have any idea how business works. Companies who have moved to per diem allowances have done it because it's cheaper for them - the additional costs of processing expense claims outweigh any benefits. So they don't want want the money back, avoiding the processing is the whole point.

Original poster
Sarayu · 29/04/2012 14:39

Thanks I'm glad some people get where I'm coming from. I'm tired and a bit emotional. I'm sure I can blag a few cups of tea and a back rub tonight.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 29/04/2012 14:40

Sunscorch... do you have children? do you give them pocket money? do you ask for it back if they do not spend it all?

Nomoremrtumble · 29/04/2012 14:42

You are getting a hard time OP. Sounds like he had a ample cash for two weeks and probably had a pretty good time. If, as you say, anything extra belongs to him (and you are strapped for cash at home) then it wouldn't have killed him not to splash the cash. It is only human to feel a bit resentful if he has effectively had a break from both family duties and financial restraints whilst you have been struggling on as usual.

empirestateofmind · 29/04/2012 14:46

I know what you mean OP, I always hope for a little token present from DH when he goes away. But nope I always just get the bag of dirty washing.

bluetea · 29/04/2012 14:46

my partner never buys me gifts......he pays for dinner....he thinks thats enough....no flowers...chocs.....no treats....and i am pregnant with his child.....a child that he so badly wanted....I have 2 from a past marriage.....all i would like is a sincere.....thank you for having my child.......men...humph.
a disgruntled bluetea. :o(

Nomoremrtumble · 29/04/2012 14:47

Btw I think £35 a day, every day, for 2 weeks is quite a lot if you promised to go to Aldi/Lidl and make a packed lunch. Sounds like he went out every night...not a problem if money is no issue at home, but I reckon in the circs he could have cooked the odd plate of pasta and taken the OP out on his return.

FormSquare · 29/04/2012 14:49

From what you have described (military, food and laundry), I would suggest he has kept receipts...

Some of the £500 will be an allowance and receipts not needed,but the CILOR (Cash In Lieu Of Ration) will need to be receipted or paid back.

diddl · 29/04/2012 14:57

"not a problem if money is no issue at home, but I reckon in the circs he could have cooked the odd plate of pasta and taken the OP out on his return."

Really?

If my husband was working away & had the chance to go out for a meal every evening, I wouldn´t expect him not to just because we couldn´t as a couple.

I´d want him to make the most of it.

mantlepiece · 29/04/2012 15:02

I think it would be nice if he had brought a little something for you and the children, it just shows that he thought about you while he was away.
Am bemused though by the comment that he took money with him from the family budget because you would not be feeding him for the time he was away!
How on earth does he work that out? His work had already given him money for that as well. Sounds a bit grabby to me.

susiedaisy · 29/04/2012 15:04

putting myself in your dp shoes op if i had to work away from my family for two weeks i would be pissed off if i had to sit in my hotel room eating packed lunch type food on my own when others were down stairs in the resturant tbh, the fact that i could of had nice food cooked for me would have made being away from home more bearable and therefore would of been a bit miffed if my dp had his eye on some of the money already before id even gone!! so because of that i think your being a bit unreasonable! a big hug a verbal thank you and spending the tenner left on a curry would of been ok with me.

Sunscorch · 29/04/2012 15:06

I am amazed that so many people don't think taking money for one purpose and using it for a different purpose is wrong.

There is no parallel between this and salary, or pocket money.

Sunscorch · 29/04/2012 15:10

Sunscorch... do you have children? do you give them pocket money? do you ask for it back if they do not spend it all?

I don't have children, and if I did, I wouldn't give them pocket money.

If, on the other hand, I gave them a fiver to pop out and buy some bread and milk for me, I would expect change.

ifancyashandy · 29/04/2012 15:13

My industry issues PDs rather than expenses. My boss would pull Confused face if I gave any back!

Completely acceptable Sunscorch.

PurpleRomanesco · 29/04/2012 15:16

This happens with DP, His boss would laugh at him if he tried to give the leftover money back.

It's just not done that way.

diddl · 29/04/2012 15:18

"the fact that i could of had nice food cooked for me would have made being away from home more bearable"

Yes, that.

My husband hated working away as he missed us, so I think the least he deserved was a decent meal!

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