To be miserable because he didn't bring a gift?

[Sarayu]

DH has been away with work for 2 weeks. They were given £500 for expenses for food/laundry. Breakfast and everything else was included. We are on a very limited budget so the plan was to use as little as possible and try and salvage a cheap but nice meal out together, when got home. He had access to lidl/aldi put there so was going to buy things to make a packed lunch.

Returned home this morning with £10 left. Fair enough, we can't afford meal out. Here's the AIBU, I'm gutted he didnt bring me a present home. Something small like a bottle of wine for us to share or a little box of chocs. Just something to acknowledge that I hold everything together whilst he is away. We have 2 small children and he is away quite a bit. I'm forever picking up the pieces when they are missing their daddy. I understand it's his job but.... AIBU?!

Yes YABU. Expenses should be just that - expenses. Using the money for anything else is dishonest.

However, I always buy a small gift for OH and my DS whenever I go away, and he does the same for me. Occasionally it ends up being the posh after diner mint at the end of my meal (for DS and OH if necessary) lol, or something fun and small/cheap. But the thought is there.

You seem more concerned about the amount of money not being spent on you though........

I think you're being very unreasonable.

He is away doing his job not taking a holiday. Do you think it's some kind of picnic that he has to bring you back something? You're holding things together? Excuse me, have I missed something? You're doing what a mum and housewife does, looking after family. Really cant believe you're making this all about you? Sounds rether childish although I hope he's brought the children home a little something.

Sunscorch your analogy is wrong. how many people have to explain this to you?

his company GAVE the allowance to him. He was not given ANY restrictions as to what he could spend it on. It is HIS money. the company do not expect or want ANY of it back. that is why it is not stealing - it was GIVEN to him.

I'm guessing you are quite young as you are coming across as very naive and lacking in a general "sense of worldliness". Please listen to what most of us are saying and conclude, once and for all, this is absolutely, 100% not stealing.

(if it placates you in any way, he will be charged income tax on the full £500 regardless of whether he spent it on work related items or not)

You are a better woman than me then didl . i reckon he could still have made the most of it by having, say, 12 consecutive meals out rather than 14.....

And as for this "expenses" thing.
For those of you who say that you get given a set amount of expenses and then don't use them (because you live off cheap sandwiches or whatever) and then pocket the remainder of the money. I assume you declare and pay tax on that remainder, since it is now no longer "expenses" money but effectively salary??

per diams - a set amount per day to cover minor expenses are normally not subject to receipts being handed over.

But they are not normally very generous and are designed to cover a paper, a few phone calls, a light lunch and a few cups of tea ( in a theoretical example where board breakfast and dinner are covered another way).

(If it placates you in any way, he will be charged income tax on the full £500 regardless of whether he spent it on work related items or not)

Then surely it's not an expenses allowance, it's effectively a bonus.

Sorry diddl even.....

I'm totally with you here sunscorch.
So if I understand correctly, it is in addition to salary (effectively a bonus) as sunscorch says), fully taxed, and in lieu of claiming expenses??
If so, then I finally understand.

Sunscorch it will be classified as a "benefit in kind" and taxed. It is not a bonus - it is a subsistence allowance - but will be treated in the same way i.e. as taxable income.

I think it also depends on what others are doing.

As susiedaisy says-bit much to expect him to sit in his room with a packup when others are dining out.

Sunscorch it will be classified as a "benefit in kind" and taxed. It is not a bonus - it is a subsistence allowance - but will be treated in the same way i.e. as taxable income.

Then that's fair enough, although still a little morally dubious not to spend it on what it was intended for, in my opinion.

That's different from an expenses allowance, though, is it not? As far as I know, an expenses allowance is company money that you are in charge of spending, much like a departmental budget and the like.

DPs per diems are to use anyway he chooses and his boss knows full well that they don't all get spent. The boss issues per diems, but half the time pays for dinner or drinks so his employees can hang onto the per diem, as a thank you for hard work I assume.

still a little morally dubious not to spend it on what it was intended for

No it's not morally dubious in any way whatsoever. As I said earlier, the company has given it to the employee, no strings attached, as compensation for the fact he is living away from home and to cover living expenses.

This is common practice - I have been the recipient of such and allowance myself - and is in no way whatsoever immoral.

I think a gift would have been the nice thing to do.
The money is a red herring his company in effect gave him a bonus to cover him over whilst away. His choice of how to spend it.

If you had agreed to keep some for a meal and then there was no acknowledgement of going back on this I'd be annoyed. A small gift is just a polite thing to do, to acknowledge the fact that you were away.

Diddl I did want him to make the most of it, hence budgeting the extra money from our budget. He worked during the day. Military exercise so had to take a packed lunch. I didn?t expect him to sit in the hotel every evening eating out of a Tupperware box. There weren't any issues with having a nice evening meal.

Susiedaisy See above. He had to have a packed lunch everyday. I have no idea how he managed to spend so much.

Pipsqueak99 Yes I am concerned about the amount of money spent. He spent A LOT of money. Like I say, we are on a strict budget at home. I think he could've managed £1 for a bar of chocolate he knows I like, or £3 on a bottle of wine to share together. It was the thought that counts and there was no thought. As for pocketing any remainder of the expenses, the military deal with all the finance. They give him the money and tell him to spend it. Job done, no receipt, no justification. All tax etc is sorted through them.

Nomoremrtumble 'I reckon he could still have made the most of it by having, say, 12 consecutive meals out rather than 14.....' ← Yes that. He could?ve forgone one cup of coffee and made a little gesture.

Is it just me that thinks a gift is a nice way to say thanks to someone? Nothing huge but something that has been thought about in relation to the receiver?

The company has given it to the employee, no strings attached, as compensation for the fact he is living away from home and to cover living expenses.

The money is to cover the extra cost of living away from home for a couple of weeks.
Not spending it on that is not illegal, clearly.

But I personally think that if you are given money for a reason, that's what that money should be spent on. Manipulating that situation for profit is dubious.

I agree that a gift would be nice-but also can´t see the big deal in not getting one.

Was there even opportunity to buy a gift?

Sunscorch he could've taken a quid out of his pocket to buy a little treat. He didn't need to spend all our personal money as well. I'm annoyed that he wasn't more frugal and not acknowledge that I've scrimped and budgetted to keep things ticking over here.

Wouldn't their be tax complications if the employee gave any unused £ back though?

Sghhhh there

Yes diddl, he had to visit the supermarket daily. By 'gift', I mean a bar of chocolate or something. I love Lidl's hazlenut chocolate, it's 34p a bar. He would've known that the gesture would mean so much more than '34p'. It's not the monetary value, it's the emotional value. IYSWIM

Possibly Mavis. I just know that he is not expected to return the unspent money. I didn't know there was a term for it, hence calling it 'expenses'

Why did he also take personal money-was that specifically for a gift?

If so, YANBU about that.

Sunscorch - different places work in different ways.

A few years ago temping I did some expenses for civil servants. They got a flat rate expenses if they worked away from their station, depending on various things, at one point it was a grand total of £4.25. So if they worked at another location they got cost of travel from their normal location to the other location plus £4.25. No receipts were required, no checking, just here is £4.25. That was called subsistence, but if you took sandwiches and spent it all on balloons then that was okay. £4.25 was just what you got for working at a different location.

Taking the £4.25 was not theft. It was part of the remuneration of the job, not theft. Honest! If someone didn't feel like eating or took their own sarnies, it was still okay to take the £4.25, and a long run of detached duty could be really profitable. And that was okay, and everyone including the financial compliance people (the ones which made you right a full report if you were 10p out of the money taken in fees etc) knew that £4.25 was just what was handed over.

Not theft, not dishonest, it's okay. I really don't understand why you are so upset by it.

OP - it's the 'not feeling worth a gift' that stings, isn't it. Perhaps you could mention this to your h, that you had a tough time while he was away and need a cuddle. Perhaps that will bring it home to him.