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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be miserable because he didn't bring a gift?

126 replies

Sarayu · 29/04/2012 13:04

DH has been away with work for 2 weeks. They were given £500 for expenses for food/laundry. Breakfast and everything else was included. We are on a very limited budget so the plan was to use as little as possible and try and salvage a cheap but nice meal out together, when got home. He had access to lidl/aldi put there so was going to buy things to make a packed lunch.

Returned home this morning with £10 left. Fair enough, we can't afford meal out. Here's the AIBU, I'm gutted he didnt bring me a present home. Something small like a bottle of wine for us to share or a little box of chocs. Just something to acknowledge that I hold everything together whilst he is away. We have 2 small children and he is away quite a bit. I'm forever picking up the pieces when they are missing their daddy. I understand it's his job but.... AIBU?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarayu · 29/04/2012 13:28

Sunscorch he was given £500, we didn't have to prove what he spent, how he spent it or return any that was leftover. He took some extra of there wasn't enough in the expenses. I don't see how we are trying to steal or con anyone out of anything?

OP posts:
daisyrain · 29/04/2012 13:31

My dp wouldn't think to bring me anything.

But I know he would be looking forward to coming home & that would be enough for me.

Birdsgottafly · 29/04/2012 13:32

My DH worked away a lot, he always bought me something back, but he used to think that i would like something 'unusual' (we didn't drink) and used his spare time looking round junk antique shops.

Very rarely did he bring me back something that i wanted and i started to feel a bit resentful about things that i couldn't buy that i wanted because we couldn't afford them.

They carn't win, it is about communication.

FredFredGeorge · 29/04/2012 13:32

What gift did you get him to show you appreciated him whilst he was away working for 2 weeks?

Gifts do not show appreciation, YABU.

Sunscorch · 29/04/2012 13:34

Sunscorch he was given £500, we didn't have to prove what he spent, how he spent it or return any that was leftover.

Expenses budgets are for... expenses! Essential expenses, or justifiable ones at the very least. Nothing else.
Using that budget for anything else is fraud.

Would your husbands employer be pleased if he'd spent £400 on a new TV and lived off budget cereal bars for a fortnight and slept in his car?

squidworth · 29/04/2012 13:34

Surely the company would need reciepts otherwise it would be classed as income/bonus and need to be taxed.

squeakytoy · 29/04/2012 13:35

What about the money you have saved by not feeding him at home for the last two weeks? Use that to go out for a meal.

My husband works away quite often and the only thing he brings back is dirty washing... he is working, not on a holiday.

Original poster
Sarayu · 29/04/2012 13:39

Nope no receipts needed at all. It's military if that makes any difference?

I've made a nice meal for us to have once kids are in bed and recorded a film he'll like. Nothing major but something.

Sunscorch, he could've spared £5 out of his own money. He came back with £10.. He just didn't think.

OP posts:
earlyriser · 29/04/2012 13:40

So, sunscorch if he bought a steak dinner every night for his meal instead of a pot noodle, and as a result had zero left over at the end, that would be ok?

Original poster
Sarayu · 29/04/2012 13:40

The money we saved by not feeding him, was the spare he took away.

OP posts:
Sunscorch · 29/04/2012 13:42

So, sunscorch if he bought a steak dinner every night for his meal instead of a pot noodle, and as a result had zero left over at the end, that would be ok?

That depends what his responsibilities are. If the budget was for food and accommodation, and accordingly none of his other responsiblilities suffered, then obviously that's fine.
The company decided that a £500 budget was reasonable. Spending it all on what it's supposed to be spent on is therefore reasonable.

SoldeInvierno · 29/04/2012 13:42

sunscorch*, you are getting a bit hanged up on terminology. In many companies you are given a fixed amount per day and if you decide to live on bread and butter and keep the rest, it is your problem. We call it expenses, which might be different to the expenses in your company. Every firm has their own policy about these things.

OP, I think YANBU

MamaMaiasaura · 29/04/2012 13:43

YABU. Dh works away and will bring something for dc back but I'm just happy to have him home. OP need to grow up a bit. If money is tight why waste it?

Re expenses of 500 that was for his allowance. Working away from your family mainly around hotel and office isn't fun and can be lonely. Make him a nice meal and spend time together at home

Original poster
Sarayu · 29/04/2012 13:45

It was for food/laundry. £250 a week. Accommodation was already paid for.

I'm not sure actually what you'd suggest he did with any that was left over?

OP posts:
RuleBritannia · 29/04/2012 13:45

How graspy the OP sounds. Doesn't it occur to her that her husband might miss her and the children terribly while he's away? No. all she's interested in is what he's bringing back for her!

My husband and I agreed after some time that we would not buy presents for each other so we never expected anything. There was the odd little surprise infrequently but nothing much.

RuleBritannia · 29/04/2012 13:46

And we were happy about it because we thought alike.

Original poster
Sarayu · 29/04/2012 13:48

I am happy to have him back. It's hard work when he's away, an acknowledgment of that would be nice. Even verbally! but nothing. He enjoys his job and they also get time off. Two weeks in a new country with a healthy amount of money to spend is not a hardship. When he's been away for longer and not nice places then I have compassion but this time was like a holiday.

OP posts:
Sunscorch · 29/04/2012 13:48

In many companies you are given a fixed amount per day and if you decide to live on bread and butter and keep the rest, it is your problem.

Sounds like theft to me...

I'm not sure actually what you'd suggest he did with any that was left over?

Return it to the company, since it is, in fact, their money.

myalias · 29/04/2012 13:49

My dh travels with his job too, sometimes he buys a bottle of drink/choc's or something traditional to the host country he has visited. But I don't expect anything on his return. I have travelled with my job too and sometimes bring something back but more often than not have been so absorbed in my work that I don't have time to go shopping.

Original poster
Sarayu · 29/04/2012 13:50

There you go RuleBritannia, 'the odd little surprise, nothing much'. That's exactly what I meant. Nothing grabby, nothing flash. A card, £3 bottle of wine, little bag of sweets. He used to do things like that and doesn't anymore. So yes, I am miserable. It's like that things I do are no longer valued.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarayu · 29/04/2012 13:51

Sunscorch he can't give it back! £500 is the set amount given to him. It doesn't work like that.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 29/04/2012 13:51

500 quid over 14 days is 35 a day... not all that much really when you have to pay for a meal, have a couple of drinks with colleagues...

Sunscorch · 29/04/2012 13:53

Sunscorch he can't give it back! £500 is the set amount given to him. It doesn't work like that.

Eh?
"Didn't spend all the budget, boss, here's what I owe you."

Floggingmolly · 29/04/2012 14:14

What's different about this time, if he's usually required to produce receipts but this time is "different"? How different?
You say he had some extra money in case expenses weren't enough, so how come you couldn't afford the meal out?

If you can afford it out of your money, but are annoyed there wasn't enough of theirs left over to cover it you are being very unreasonable.

Floggingmolly · 29/04/2012 14:16

What's different about this time, if he's usually required to produce receipts but this time is "different"? How different?
You say he had some extra money in case expenses weren't enough, so how come you couldn't afford the meal out?

If you can afford it out of your money, but are annoyed there wasn't enough of theirs left over to cover it you are being very unreasonable.