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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to consider getting pregnant via sperm donation?

115 replies

Hippymum89 · 28/04/2012 11:26

I have a 6 year old daughter and would like a sibling for her, I'm single Shock so sperm donation seems so be the best way :)

I would want to be the sole carer, however I would be happy to keep in contact with the donor via email, send pictures and updates etc. I would like my child to be able to see where he/she came from, but would understand that he would not be classed as 'dad'.
I have had a look on the internet and don't think the clinic route is such a good idea beacause of the anonymity.

I would just like some advice from ANYONE who has had anything to do with the process, thanks, and generally get a range of opinions on the matter!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 28/04/2012 12:56

You're asking an awful lot of someone to be able to receive regular updates and photos of their own child....yet have little else to do with them.

The anonymity is there for a very good reason imo.

SydSaid · 28/04/2012 13:00

So you are assuming thd child will be ok to know who their speem donor us but not be able to class him as dad?

I think any sane man would be doubtful of this plan - after all, they would be open to claims for money through csa, even if you say that would be something you would never consider.

I understand where you are coming from, but I'm really not sure it's as simple as you would like it to be.

Mrbojangles1 · 28/04/2012 13:00

have you thought of adoption

BerryCheesecake · 28/04/2012 13:02

YANBU, it is something I've considered too! :)

AutumnSummers · 28/04/2012 13:07

There seems to be a lo of me me me in your post here. Adoption would be the best way forward I think. Then you don't have to have your child knowing that you willingly kept the father from them and ordered them not to look at the man as Dad, even though he IS. I really think that is wicked.

AutumnSummers · 28/04/2012 13:07

*a lot of me me me

Original poster
Hippymum89 · 28/04/2012 13:10

When artificial insemination is used the CSA thing is not an issue as there was no sex involved, plus there would be a contract drawn up.
I know it's not simple, but having a one night stand or whatever would be a whole lot more complicated...
And there are plenty of men who want to offer their sperm to people who need it, usually who already have a family and want to spread the love ha ha.

Purely for selfish reasons I want to have my own baby (not adopt), the pregnancy, BF etc.

OP posts:
Mrbojangles1 · 28/04/2012 13:11

i think selfish sums the whole thing up

AutumnSummers · 28/04/2012 13:12

Selfish seems to be the word I'd use, yes.

AutumnSummers · 28/04/2012 13:12

XP with MrB

Rhubarbgarden · 28/04/2012 13:13

My niece's father is a donor. He is a long term friend of my SIL and her wife and he offered to do it. He already has a wife and children, so knew what fatherhood felt like and that he could be 'removed' from the situation and wouldn't suddenly feel an unexpected and overwhelming desire to be part of the resultant child's life. He lives at the other side of the country so isn't going to be bumping into the family in the street, but is happy for my niece to meet him and know all about him if she chooses to. He came to visit her after she was born, and happily signed away all rights except that he wanted to be consulted about her future in the event of the deaths of SIL and her wife.

I think it was a wonderful thing to do, and I did think what a rare soul he must be. Then I very recently found out that a friend of mine has become a father in similar circumstances, so perhaps it's not as unusual as I thought.

Good luck. I hope you find the right person.

Original poster
Hippymum89 · 28/04/2012 13:13

Me me me - ha ha, it's for my dd too,
I was expecting that Sad
Not everyone has the perfect family set up, it's just an idea I'm considering.
Have you looked into it at all Berry?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hippymum89 · 28/04/2012 13:14

Thank you Rhubarb x

OP posts:
AutumnSummers · 28/04/2012 13:15

So it's for your DD too. What about the baby you will willingly keep from it's Dad? Do you really expect a child raised like that to respect you? You would tell them who donated the sperm and expect the child to understand your terms in knowing who he is?

2cats2many · 28/04/2012 13:17

YANBU. I have a single friend who is considering this, although she doesn't have any children already. It takes allsorts to make a family.

tethersend · 28/04/2012 13:18

I don't think you should look at adoption as an alternative unless you want to adopt. Children placed for adoption often have significant needs, and you should be aware of this before becoming a potential adopter.

I think having children at all is a pretty selfish act, tbh. Whilst the situation you would bring your child into is not ideal, it is good enough IYSWIM.

Original poster
Hippymum89 · 28/04/2012 13:19

In a nutshell, Autumn, yes.
The child would know that he/she was very much wanted, and that the donor/dad also wanted to help me. I would choose someone who would want to be in contact and show an interest in the child.
Are you against sperm donation in general, or just my situation?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 28/04/2012 13:21

It's still for you really because you are the one that's deciding your DD needs a sibling.

Also, where are you going to find this man?

What makes you think he'll be willing to help...and how will you know all about his medical history etc?

AutumnSummers · 28/04/2012 13:21

Just your situation. I think what you are planning to do to the Father and baby is abhorrent.

Original poster
Hippymum89 · 28/04/2012 13:24

IMO I'm a very good mum. My dd has never been shoved in a nursery, we flexi-school, my mum plays a huge part in our lives. I work part time (no benefits) we don't have much spare money, but there's an abundance of love (and respect) and I would like to give that to another child...

OP posts:
AutumnSummers · 28/04/2012 13:24

My DH didn't meet his Dad til he was 35. He had seen photos but that was it. And he still hates his Mum for deliberately keeping them apart.

tethersend · 28/04/2012 13:26

I can't think of a situation where having a child isn't a selfish act... seems unfair to berate the OP for it.

lizziebennet · 28/04/2012 13:27

YANBU The child would clearly be loved and wanted, so if you can afford it, I don't see the problem.

I would say though that going through a clinic is safer and you still get loads of info about the donor for your child if they are interested in the future, plus it's now law that they are not anonymous donors, the child can contact them when they reach 18 if they wish.

AutumnSummers · 28/04/2012 13:27

I'm not berating her for wanting a child, but for the circumstances in which she is planning to raise it.

Codandchops · 28/04/2012 13:27

How would you handle it if the child wanted a relationship with his/her Dad? Most kids WILL want more from a "Dad" than someone who just has email contact from time to time. I understand that many children DON'T have this contact but to bring a child into the world based upon little contact feels wrong. Sorry because am sure that is not what you want to hear but I think it needs consideration.