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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to consider getting pregnant via sperm donation?

115 replies

Hippymum89 · 28/04/2012 11:26

I have a 6 year old daughter and would like a sibling for her, I'm single Shock so sperm donation seems so be the best way :)

I would want to be the sole carer, however I would be happy to keep in contact with the donor via email, send pictures and updates etc. I would like my child to be able to see where he/she came from, but would understand that he would not be classed as 'dad'.
I have had a look on the internet and don't think the clinic route is such a good idea beacause of the anonymity.

I would just like some advice from ANYONE who has had anything to do with the process, thanks, and generally get a range of opinions on the matter!

OP posts:
LandingOnAHaddock · 28/04/2012 23:22

haven't read whole thread but seems to be a quite a bit of ill informed nonsense being spouted - OP whatever you decide, please check out the donor conception network website for the facts and also loads of great resources, both for those like you at the thinking stage as well as those of us who already have dc children. For info:The most recent research - a 20 year study - showed that children brought up in female headed households - no man involved - did as well on all measures as those brought up in couples - and scored BETTER on measures of family relationships and psychological welfare. Just a bit of food for thought. Good luck OP x

LandingOnAHaddock · 28/04/2012 23:24

haven't read whole thread but seems to be a quite a bit of ill informed nonsense being spouted - OP whatever you decide, please check out the donor conception network website for the facts and also loads of great resources, both for those like you at the thinking stage as well as those of us who already have dc children. For info:The most recent research - a 20 year study - showed that children brought up in female headed households - no man involved - did as well on all measures as those brought up in couples - and scored BETTER on measures of family relationships and psychological welfare. Just a bit of food for thought. Good luck OP x

Devora · 28/04/2012 23:55

I'm very surprised by some of the comments you've had on here, OP. But then I've had one child by donor (he is, however, involved as Dad) and one by adoption. I don't think what you're planning is selfish; however it does require very careful thought and planning. I have to say that I look back on some of the decisions I made when I was planning to have a child with some horror - I think I was quite naive, and also perhaps a tad desperate so willing to entertain the idea of making a baby with men who would have been quite unsuitable. It all turned out well - my dd's father is a great dad - but possibly more due to luck than judgement. Anyway, you already have a child so probably much less naive about the realities of parenting than I was.

I'm happy to answer any questions you may have. One warning is that I think you should check out the CSA issue. I thought that men are only exempt from financial responsibility where conception has been through a HFEA-reigstered clinic. I don't think not having sex counts as a get-out - after all, everyone could claim that, couldn't they?

Finally, just to say how much I agree with Mrs DV's comment on the adoption suggestions. Quite offensive, and completely ignorant of the needs of both women who wish to conceive and children who need adoption.

Kewcumber · 29/04/2012 00:04

What MRsDV said - of course.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha - how dare you consider having a child for selfish reasons

The rest of us had our children to:

  • grow up to to become scientists and rid the world of Malaria
  • donate bone marrow to needy children
  • join the nuns who worked with Mother Theresa in the slums of Delhi.

How dare you consider having a child because, well, just because you want one. Outrageous.

Oh and for the people who think its a good idea to coerce parents you don't consider good enough to give birth into adoption - my DS deserves better than that, thank you very much.

Kewcumber · 29/04/2012 00:04

(oh and I advised against anything except licensed HFEA clinics on your otehr thread)

Krumbum · 29/04/2012 01:38

Do it! But the father being anonymous would be best for everyone. It is not selfish. You know you will be a good mother and love the child so what is the problem. I don't understand ppl who say it is selfish for someone to not know their dad. It is an oppressive, right wing opinion that we should all live in heteronormative, family units. It's ridiculous, what is important is that a child is loved and cared for by whoever brings them up. Adoption is nice too though too :)

expatinscotland · 29/04/2012 01:53

I'd do it.

SodoffBaldrick · 29/04/2012 02:20

A lot of very narrow-minded, sheltered comments on here, offset by some nice, positive attitudes as well. :)

A friend of mine has done this - she has a 1YO DS and is expecting a second child - both fathered by the same donor. She doesn't know what he looks like, but knows all sorts of other things about him - his medical history, his family, etc.

She is lovely. Warm-hearted, kind, loving. A great Mum, who has lots of support from her lovely parents, and an amazing male role model in her Dad. I've known her family since childhood and they're one in a million. She (my friend ) has two adopted siblings (and one blood sibling). Her parents have set her an amazing example. Unfortunately she has not (yet) met anyone she wants to share her life with, so she has gone down this route. We're not in the UK, but suffice to say this was all done privately and paid for by herself (she has a very good, professional job, degree-educated, top of her game plus does volunteer work).

The way I see it is this... The world needs MORE children raised in happy homes, by parents or a parent who loves and cherishes them and who parent/s them well. These sorts of children pretty much inevitably turn into happy, well-adjusted adults who make a positive contribution to society. The world is crying out for more people like this, not less.

Some people need to put their blinkers down and their prejudices to one side in order to see that there is more than one way to do things. None of us are perfect, but I see a lot less wrong with this scenario than with many others. And to be honest, anyone who would argue against what my friend has done is not worth knowing, IMO.

Hippymum89 · 30/04/2012 11:15

All I know is that I DO want another baby.
I know someone (she is in a gay relationship so it's a bit different) and they are pregnant with the 3rd baby from the same donor.
They found him on that site I mentioned, freespermdonations.co. or duybaby.com...
I don't know how much contact the donor has, must be some though as they have gone back to him twice!
I will find out about that. And Catholic it's all very well saying a child needs mum & dad however much I'd love to meet Mr. Right and have a fab little family, it's not looking likely!
BTW My dd sees her dad for about an hour once a month (he has to sneak away from his new wife to see her ) she (and I ) would love for them to have a better relationship but he is a spineless person and I can't do anything to make him see her more...Angry

OP posts:
TheFeministsWife · 30/04/2012 12:15

Can't believe some of the negative comments on this thread! Shock I'm married and have 3 dds and I had because I (well we) wanted too, for shock horror purely selfish reasons. I can't see any difference in planning to have a child within a relationship and planning to have a child when your single (via sperm donor), both are for selfish reasons. Hmm

OP good luck to you, I hope you can do it. Although I agree with those who have said to go through the verified clinics is probably the best and safest option.

MeKathryn · 30/04/2012 14:29

Here's a link to the single mum's board of fertility friends www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=403.0 There's a separate donor sperm one too.

neepsandtatties · 30/04/2012 14:52

You still haven't answered the questions about why you won't use a clinic? The potential for fall-out and disaster using a man from a website is HUGE! I do think it's unreasonable to do what you are proposing, because the fact is you are (willingly) placing your resultant child in the path of potential emotional damage (e.g. father meets new partner who can't have children and they decide they want access/custody of the child. Outside of an HFEA-regulated clinic, a donor has every right to challenge you on this).

Please check out the donor conception network as others have suggested. They have specific meetings and support groups for single women wishing to start or expand their families using donor gametes.

CallMeAl · 30/04/2012 15:06

I don't get the "its selfish, its all about you" jibes. Everyone has a baby for selfish reasons. No-one does it for a non-existent theorectical child, but for themselves and their own reasons.
Stupid argument.

neepsandtatties · 30/04/2012 15:19

should have said, I totally support your choice to have another child in these circumstances (my DS was donor conceived) but please reconsider on the use of a clinic - it's the only way you, your child, and the donor can be protected.

medievalgirl · 30/04/2012 15:24

As Mekathryn suggested, do visit FertilityFriends. It's very supportive.

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