AIBU to consider getting pregnant via sperm donation?

[Hippymum89]

I have a 6 year old daughter and would like a sibling for her, I'm single so sperm donation seems so be the best way :)

I would want to be the sole carer, however I would be happy to keep in contact with the donor via email, send pictures and updates etc. I would like my child to be able to see where he/she came from, but would understand that he would not be classed as 'dad'.
I have had a look on the internet and don't think the clinic route is such a good idea beacause of the anonymity.

I would just like some advice from ANYONE who has had anything to do with the process, thanks, and generally get a range of opinions on the matter!

What lizziebennet said! If you want another child go for it. You can explain the situation behind his/her conception and I am sure the child will adapt to it. Families come in all shapes and sizes!

YANBU at all. i have a friend who has a gorgeous son by anonymous sperm donation. She was running out of time to have children and decided to go for it.

Her son is brilliant and totally aware of how he was conceived and how much he was wanted (he is 9 now).

She then went on to adopt another little boy aged 8 months old, as she wanted her son to have a sibling. They are a lovely little family and she is a fantastic mother. Both her sons are thriving. I am very proud of her courage and determination. She has made enormous sacrifices but it has been worth every one of them.

OP, ignore the nasty comments

I went through DI about a year and a half ago, as a single mum. I have 3 children (by adoption) but adoption wasn't the right route to go a fourth time. Wanting a newborn baby is a completely natural desire, as is wanting to BF and experience pregnancy. And also, adoption should be a selfish decision, not some 'selfless' crusade to 'save' a poor child who will fall themself being grateful to you for the rest of their life

I went through a clinic, and don't have any experience with websites. However, if you do want an open relationship with the donor, using someone you already know or meet through a site might be the only option. I would be wary with it, and tbh I would recommend a clinic rather than a DYI insemination. There's more support for you and for the donor (for a start, I had counselling at mine, and I know the donor was counselled as well) although the downside of course is that you probably won't have ongoing contact between you and the donor. That was a downside for me as well, I would have hoped for any resulting child to always know where they came from, rather than having to wait till 18, but the clinic was in every other way the best choice.

For me it did not work out, and I decided not to try again, so I remain with 3 children (although happily my first DGC is on the way!). However, I have never regretted trying. Good luck :)

sorry, DIY not DYI

Ohdoadmit is so right. In any discussion of donor egg or sperm, some ignoramus always pipes up "have you considered adoption?". They haven't a clue.

I agree that you should either go anonymous clinic route or have a friend get involved and become like family. If you go the anonymous clinic route you can still be honest with your child about their origins.

You sound brave, resourceful and honest - and a terrific mother. OP, I really wish you all the very best of luck with this.

not against sperm donation in anyway. people have children in all sorts of situations.

However this isn't just a decision that will affect you and your daughter. you said that family will help you out (i thnk you did anyway, sorry if im wrong). how do they feel about this? do they want to commit to at least another 10 years of helping you with things like school pick ups etc rather than living their own lives? my MIL does this for SIL a lot and worries all the time about her having another one by herself and having to go through it all again. i know your family help you now but how do you know that they aren't counting down the years until they no longer have to do it? don't get me worng, i've had help from my parents before, but i wouldn't have a child deliberately knowing i would be reliant on them long term.

I think a lot of people are being quite harsh on the OP soon.

I am a single mum too. Single mums can do great jobs. I think that just because you are single you shouldn't have to sacrifice having your own child.

If you were saying 'I want another baby, but don't want to adopt' nobody would be berating you for being selfish.

Maybe to some extent the desire to have a child is a selfish desire, but if that is the case then we are all guilty of that as mums.

Sperm donation is a perfectly viable option, but for your own safety you are probably best off going through a clinic. They ensure STD testing of donors and do thorough medical screening. If you take Joe Bloggs off the internet then you are relying on his word.

Your desire for the child to know their father is completely understandable, but I think your safety should come first.

MrsDeVere is completely right. The people recommending adoption as some simple alternative clearly have no experience of it themselves. NO ONE should adopt if their heart is not completely in it. It's not just some spur of the moment decision FFS. Neither is getting a sperm donor of course, but it actually really pisses me off, this 'oh, why don't you just adopt' mentality.

The CSA is not an issue as there's no sex involved
What? . How would the prospective donor prove that if you claimed maintenance?
I think the whole plan is doomed to fail.

I would do it.

The child will know he/she is from a donor alot better than the fuckwit dads who get the mother pregnant and does a bunk.

It would be easier and more straightforward, both legally and practically, to go through a clinic. Honestly.

YANBU at all. Good luck with it.

OP- I don't think YABU at all. It's not selfish. (YABU re the nursery comment though. Grrrr!) Anyway, what you're considering is a creative way to build your family. I know a couple of single women who have conceived via AI with donated sperm/donated eggs/double donation or donor embryos. I think it's a brave step but it's more responsible than going off and having a one-night stand to deliberately TTC.

Totally agree with comments re adoption- it's often pedalled out as a cure-all. Different scenario but I got this a lot when I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure at the age of 31. Many people just didn't seem to get that I had a desire to be pregnant & have a baby. My DH and I had our DD last year as a result of egg donation. My lovely sister donated and we will tell DD how she came to be & who her donor was. I don't think we were being selfish by what we did (we saved and paid to have the DEIVF privately , btw!)

I do however think that using a clinic is safest. Screening is important health wise IMO but there's also the legal side to things. You can of course find a known donor and then have the treatment at a clinic and not only will they ensure the appropriate health-checks are done they will also ensure everything's legal and above board, in the uk anyway. I really admire guys that donate BTW. You can imagine the conversation at the clinic reception desk: 'I'll have a copy of Razzle and a large pot, please' . . .

Good luck!

Check out pride angel.com and follow your heart! Good luck

I would check out fertility friends forum, there are loads of boards including sperm donation ones, IUI ones and ones about different clinics etc. You'll also get lots of support while TTC if you do try it.

Good luck!

Wow cannot believe the reactions of some people on here !
Ignore the stuck in the mud old fogies.
You go for it Hippy.
I met someone last year who had done this, single mum, donor (sperm and egg) and ivf. She ended up with twins !! She is in contact with both donors and is hoping her two girls will have an extended family one day.
I wouldn't have even thought to judge or criticise her for her decision.
Good luck, I doubt you would face such ignorance in real life!

Another one here who doesn't think you are selfish.

Things to consider include your existing child and the presence in their life of their own father. Would you be wanting to make the new baby's situation 'equal' to that of your dd wrt paternal involvement. That might mean the difference between private donation and clinic.

Also, if you have a private arrangement and something happens to you, would it be possible that the donor gets custody of your new baby and where would that leave your older child?

I'd be wary of a donor who hadn't done this before - if it's his first time donating, you cannot be certain that he won't push for more involvement than you want to give.

Having a baby is selfish decision regardless how the baby is conceived ( or even adopted)

You could have millions in the bank, own your own home be a loving couple and could offer a child everything, but it still a selfish choice It's something you want after all the baby didn't ask to be born

No advice or experience other than to say YANBU and hope it works out for you.

Assuming your question is serious, then my answer would be that reasonableness isn't really the right test here. I would prefer to look at it in terms of the welfare of the future sibling and whether I could agree that it could ever be right to plan a child intending that his or her father would not be in the child's life. I'm afraid I could not. In my view it is simply wrong to deprive a child of what I see as its right - if there is such a thing as rights - to a father as well as a mother. A man and a woman have always been needed to make a child. Why?

"Your desire for the child to know their father is completely understandable, but I think your safety should come first" Yes, there are many risks with donation it would seem. Which would suggest, would it not, that the traditional route has quite a lot going for it?

catholic a man is still needed to make a child.

The OP isnt considering immaculate conception.

I don't think it's selfish to use a donor and be a loving parent. I do think it is selfish to expect the bio father and the DC to have the relationship that YOU deem to be the right amount of contact for YOUR needs. What if the donor fell utterly in love with the baby and wanted 50/50 custody?

That would be my fear/issue and if I wanted to go it alone, I would use an anon donor

I haven't read the whole thread, but I have 2 children by sperm donor.

My first child was born when I was with my ex, who was sterile and agreed to sperm donation to have a child. During my pregnancy he bailed out and decided not to be a father after all, so we split up.

2.5 years later I hadn't met anyone new, and had just turned 40. I had never wanted DS1 to be an only child, especially as I was a single parent with a very small family myself. I had a brother (died when I was 19) and we were always very close, so I really liked the idea of having a sibling for DS.

So I went back to the clinic, and had a few more cycles of treatment, using a different donor as my original one didn't want to donate any more apparently. I had DS2 18 months later.

I did all of this through a clinic, and obviously it was private as NHS funding isn't available.

I briefly looked into the "agencies" who claim to introduce donors to women, but they all seemed dodgy.

I think it's only really safe if you use a proper clinic.

DS1 was born before the anonymity law changed, so he will never be able to find out who is father is. DS2 was born after the law change, so when he's 18 he can get the donor's details from the clinic if he wants to.

I'm sure plenty of people will say that what I did was selfish, putting my own desire for children above my children's potential desire to have a father. Maybe it was selfish, but I give my children a very good life. They are my world, everything I do is for them. I endeavour to be Mum and Dad, playing football, climbing trees, playing Star Wars - all the "boy stuff" as well as the Mummy stuff. Of course it wasn't how I'd planned my life to be, but there are some positives. My boys never hear arguments, they will never lie in bed at night listening to raised voices, they are parented consistently. You only have to look on the Relationships forum to see that having 2 parents isn't always a recipe for joy and happiness!

I also briefly looked into adoption, but most agencies don't like single parents, and would only offer "difficult to place" children. I didn't think that would be fair on the child, me or DS1.

I think it's very easy for people to judge my decision, if they've never been in the position of being single and watching the reproductive years fly by.