to be angry at dh

[Cazm2]

Dd is 5 weeks old suffers silent reflux so not always happy not good sleeper. I do night feeds or up with her in week. Dh went out last night to wet baby's head. Left at 7 came home at 330!!! I am fuming he was going to look after her this morning but incapable snoring muttering from alcohol and tiredness he neatly went to wee in herroom earlier. I think I am going to have to call dm to see if she can have dd for few hours whilst I sleep but feel that let's him off with resting

I think people seem to be side-stepping that issue in the rush to demonise the husband.

Although what is not clear is weter OP agreed to him going out or felt bullied into it. That makes a world of difference in my eyes.

I don't agree that it is the main issue, at all.

The OP expected him to go out for a couple of drinks and come home early enough to get up with the baby this morning.

If you (or your husband) are incapable if going for a drink without getting so drunk you stay out way past what was agreed, you nearly piss in a baby's room, and you are unable to get up in the morning, then you should see someone about your drinking problem.

Staying out until 3am on the lash was a choice this man made.

He decided that getting smashed last night was more important than getting home to his strung out wife and non-sleeping child, as agreed.

The OP trusted him to know his limits. I also doubt that she was chasing him down the pub with a broom, in the first place.

i'm not side-stepping; I just think it's quite possible for a decent man to go down the pub in the evening for one pint, a packet of crisps, and two packets of peanuts, and be fresher for baby-care the next morning than someone who has been sleep-deprived for 5 days and nights.

Loads of parents on MN have a glass of wine one night, and apparently still get up and take their children to school, and go to work the next day!

If you (or your husband) are incapable if going for a drink without getting so drunk you stay out way past what was agreed, you nearly piss in a baby's room, and you are unable to get up in the morning, then you should see someone about your drinking problem.

WTAF??

I have no idea where you garnered any information on my drinking habits. And, I'll say again, I am NOT defending him being out to that hour. I have maintained that I would have a problem with my Hubby going out for even a few pints and getting up with a sick young baby in the morning.

If you think it's OK to let a hungover parent look after a baby, that's your llookout. But I completely disagree. As I say, even 2/3 pints can caue a hangover.

Haven't read everything but just wanted to point out that my youngest is 9 months and still has reflux. It was horrid when he was a newborn, constantly being sick etc, but why the hell does that mean a father, AND the mother can't have a night away?

I had nights off, going out getting drunk and so did my other half. Not often, but it was those nights, relaxing and having a laugh with my friends, being away from sick, shitty nappies etc that kept me sane. Just because you are now a parent, it does not mean you can't dedicate any time to yourself. Doing things you enjoy etc. It just means it happens less frequent.

A newborn baby, with reflux or not, does NOT need both parents tending to them at the same time.

YABU, as long as it isn't happening every week or so. But you do also need to schedule in a night off for you, where you get a lie in the next morning too.

A glass of wine at home ois different to being in the pub from 7pm, surely?

I wonder he have got up for work this morning if it was a week day?

I suspect he "can't" get up because he thinks sleeping off his hangover trumps his wife's need for rest.

If he had something to do this morning that mattered to him he'd be up and taking paracetamol and drinking coffee.

And I never drank at all when I was supposed to be caring for a very young abby in the morning, no. not even at home.

FWIW he should well be out of bed by now and getting on with it.

Yeah it is- because he drank more alcohol than that. And he shouldn't have exceeded his limits, whatever those are.

*very young baby

OP YANBU

I don't get why he had to go out on a bender If he had to go out then he should have stuck to a couple of pints and come home early, knowing, as he did, that he was supposed to be 'on duty' this morning.

I had a night out when DD was 8 weeks old. This was in ye olden days when the pubs stopped serving at 10.30 on a Sunday night, which was the night I went out. Early closing times had never stopped me getting drunk in the past but this time I went out had a few drinks but limited the total amount I drunk so I wouldn't get pissed. My friend and I went back to hers afterwards, picking up something to eat from the chippy on the way there. We ate chatted a bit and then I got a taxi so I was home before 1am. The next morning I got up and took care of two kids. Btw, DD was one of those excellent sleepers.

Why is there a need to get pissed and come home so late when you know your partner/spouse is coping with a reflux baby and surviving on very little sleep?

Can I just say: I am going out tonight with some mates (including another MNer, yet), all of whom have produced children and I suspect Booze Will Be Consumed. We may all totter home. It is conceivable that one or two of us will be feeling a touch fragile tomorrow

The difference is that none of us has a tiny baby - five weeks, dammit, and I stand by my view that a five week old is absolute hell - and a partner desperate for a bit of kip.

YANBU. He agreed to look after your baby at a given time and has flaked. Can't believe some people are blaming OP for being 'unrealistic' - DH made a commitment and let you down. Drinking isn't a get out of jail free card! OP I hope you get some sleep later today. Congratulations on your baby!

I don't think it is him going out that is the issue really. Both mum and dad deserve a night off doing whatever they wish, and deserve a lie in.

The OP should be getting more help from her Husband during the week, alternating lie ins with him at weekends etc so she doesn't get to this sleep deprived state to begin with. I think that is where the main issue lies.

You need to remind him, working or not, he is a father 24/7, you are both partners so therefore work together. He needs to do more during the week.

Yanbu to feel angry that your dh went out and got really pissed so will be useful.

Yabu to let him go on the piss but expect him only to have a drink or two. If you needed him to help you should have said no to the piss up and suggest it was postponed until the baby was older left home. If you told your h to have one drink and come home then yanbu. I find it strange when people on here agree that their h can go on the piss but are surprised that they get pissed/spend money on getting pissed/are useless the next day. Nobody can really get pissed and look after babies the next day.

I think I just expected him to be able to go out and just have a couple of pints and come home at reasonable time so I don't have to rush to get up this morning. I didn't really get much choice in him going out. He is otherwise very good but he was big binge drinker before she was born and I.thought it might change maybe my expectations are too much. I don't think either of is should not go out but I don't see why he had to get in a state when she is so.young. I do night's from 12_1 until he gets up at 8 purely cos he is working however I don't know if its working.

If he was always a binge drinker then I dedinately would have took issue with him going out at all. The fact that you had no choice in this is a big red flag. Is he generally very dismissive of your feelings. He was being very unreasonable to dismiss you about this when you have a sickly young baby. That's awful.

"I didn't really get much choice in him going out."

Oh dear. That's not going to end anywhere good.

Now that you have a shared responsibility 24/7/365 neither of you can go out without it having an impact on the other.

Someone has to look after the baby, and unilateral decisions to go out are really controlling decisions that force someone else to stay in, stay sober and be responsible.

In good marriages that doesn't happen.

What AThing said.

To be completely honest he doesn't think he has done that much wrong I don't think it helps none of his friends have children young free single. He loves her to death but I just think he is of opinion that blokes should get the break. I didn't have good labour and still anaemic from it. It's tough when I spend all day with her but then last night no break however much I love her x

Caz, get this thread deleted and move over to the reflux threads where you will get the support you need. As someone else said don't be afraid to ask for help from your mother if you can.

And please from someone who has been with a refluxy baby who sounds very similar, do not doubt that he is being vvvvv unreasonable.

Thanks bub where is reflux thread?