Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry at dh

135 replies

Cazm2 · 28/04/2012 06:59

Dd is 5 weeks old suffers silent reflux so not always happy not good sleeper. I do night feeds or up with her in week. Dh went out last night to wet baby's head. Left at 7 came home at 330!!! I am fuming he was going to look after her this morning but incapable snoring muttering from alcohol and tiredness he neatly went to wee in herroom earlier. I think I am going to have to call dm to see if she can have dd for few hours whilst I sleep but feel that let's him off with resting

OP posts:
GoOnPitch · 28/04/2012 08:57

I am sorry but I expect a father of a 5 weeks old baby NOT to get drunk!!

He is as responsible as the mother to look after the baby. If a mum had said she got back drunk at 3.30am and couldn't look after her baby who has reflux and can't sleep unless held, she would get a real bollocking.
but because he is a man, then really 'you should have expected him to be drunk' and 'you are being unbrealistic'.

What a lot of crap!

When a mum is pg she is expected to stop drinking all together. When she has a unsettled newborn, she is expecting not to get drunk. I failed to see why you should not expect a dad of a newborn to do the same.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 28/04/2012 08:58

I can see why you are angry with him. Sounds like he left for a few drinks last night knowing he would have the baby in the morning. Then got stinking drunk and us now incapable of looking after said baby.

He is a fully grown man and should be more responsible.

If it had been me though I would have guessed my dh would have gone overboard and planned for dm to come over and help. Next time he goes out have a proper chat about who helps you in the morning.

GoOnPitch · 28/04/2012 08:58

BTW, OP, I would suggest to leave your baby with your H for the day, so he can see how difficult it is to look after her and do some cooking, some HW etc... and go to your mum and get some sleep.

AutumnSummers · 28/04/2012 09:02

If a mum had said she got back drunk at 3.30am and couldn't look after her baby who has reflux and can't sleep unless held, she would get a real bollocking.

Why are we turning this into men V women? Why is it deemed that only men go out for a drink after baby is born, particularly if Mum is not Bfing?

I don;t seperate the sexes like that. If a PERSON is going out for a drink then it should be arranged for a mutually convenient time. That would be when the parent left with baby feel capable. OP clearly clearly doesn't right now and a night out was a bad idea.

Sirzy · 28/04/2012 09:02

GoOnPitch - actually I would feel exactly the same if it was a mother who had (as a one off) gone out for a night.

perplexedpirate · 28/04/2012 09:04

My DH also came home at 3.30 last night, and I can assure you he is a brilliant, responsible, loving father and husband and not a 'lazy lump'. Hmm
Everyone needs time off and it is easy to get carried away when you've become a parent and not been out for a while. The first time i went out after DS was born I went to a nightclub (which I never do) and fell down the stairs resulting in a huge bruise down my entire thigh.
It's quite unrealistic to expect someone to do first shift if you know they'll be out late.
This morning DS and I are going out and bringing lunch back to cure any of DHs lingering hangover symptoms, then tonight it's my turn to see my friends.
I hope you sort it out and get a nap.

AThingInYourLife · 28/04/2012 09:06

And I would feel the same about a mother who was going out on the piss while she had a sick newborn at home, while her husband looked after the baby while she worked, played tennis and socialised.

She would be a shit mother and a crap wife.

But it would never happen that way around.

LetsKateWin · 28/04/2012 09:07

YANBU. Make sure you catch up on some rest tomorrow.

AThingInYourLife · 28/04/2012 09:09

"Everyone needs time off"

Not everyone needs time out on the lash when they have a sick newborn and an exhausted wife at home.

Only selfish, lazy lumps.

Sirzy · 28/04/2012 09:10

Athing - really going to work and the occasional bit of a social life makes someone a shit parent? Bloody hell I think that makes the majority of mothers on here shit parents to!

madmouse · 28/04/2012 09:12

I'm a bit Shock at the number of people defending the dad. A newborn with reflux is even more tiring than a newborn is anyhow and the OP is already getting up with baby during the night.

He has the rest of his life to get irresponsibly pissed. This is not the time. He has let the OP down. You can cope with tiredness, but oh the tiredness when you have been looking forward to some promised sleep and then you don't get it.

IMO he's a selfish git.

StrawberrytallCAKE · 28/04/2012 09:12

What the actual fuck? I can't believe people are saying yabu? Wet the baby's head at 5 weeks when you are recovering from childbirth and looking after a baby that won't sleep for long? He is being a selfish twat. He needs to pull himself together and realise he is also responsible for the baby, nights out can come when the person at home will at least get a good sleep.

Another one of these threads where the 'poor men' get given right to do whatever they like.

AThingInYourLife · 28/04/2012 09:16

Carrying on with your life as normal after a baby arrives while you expect your spouse to make all the adjustments is shit parenting.

This is a newborn baby.

A few weeks of prioritising home doesn't present decent men with any kind of problem.

Nobody's saying he can never go out again, but he shouldn't have been out getting pissed and leaving his exhausted stressed out wife to deal with a baby with reflux alone all night, and the next day.

She already had to do that all week while he works.

That's totally fucking crap behaviour.

Do people really find it so hard to have a few weeks with a newborn where getting pissed isn't a priority?

fatfingers · 28/04/2012 09:18

YANBU to be angry but I would say just get through the morning by lazing about on the settee with baby and then go back to bed for the afternoon, leaving him to care for baby.

I had a reflux baby too and I managed to get her sleeping by putting her on her front with the cot propped up at the head end. We were given one of those breathing monitors as Sevens suggested earlier. If we hadn't done this, I don't think we would have had any sleep (she would only sleep face down on my chest) until she was weaned so I highly recommend it.

Proudnscary · 28/04/2012 09:23

I fall into the YABU camp - and no I'm not defending the dad, just saying it's hardly the end of the world.

I think OP can manage alone for one night/day!!

It's really not a big deal if dh has one night out on a big bender. Bloody annoying yes, but not a big deal.

ledkr · 28/04/2012 09:30

op didnt say it was a big deal.She said that she was angry,so you agree then proud?

madmouse · 28/04/2012 09:32

No one says he cannot go on a bender if he must. The issue is he had promised to look after dd in the morning and so is letting the OP down. If he had asked the OP is she minded having her lie-in the next day, or if he'd manned up, taken a cold shower, have some brekkie and get on with looking after dd I would have no problems with him going on a bender.

NarcolepsyQueen · 28/04/2012 09:34

Proud - Quite!

If the OP couldn't cope, they oughtn't have arranged the night out! I assume it was discussed and agreed before hand.

AmberLeaf · 28/04/2012 09:34

If a mum had said she got back drunk at 3.30am and couldn't look after her baby who has reflux and can't sleep unless held, she would get a real bollocking

Er no, if the babies father was looking after the baby then what is the problem?

It actually doesnt take two adults to look after a baby, it may be preferable but not essential.

I think OP YABU, you knew he was going out and I think expecting him to get up early [while possibly still under the influence] was a bit ill thought out.

Theres also a bit of that 'if DH/DP has a night out- he must be punished on his return' attitude on this thread. personally I find it a tad immature, if my DP went out when our DCs were small id wave him off, no punishment in the morning....but then he'd do the same with me if I wanted a night out so all swings and roundabouts.

All that said OP I can totally appreciate that you are tired and worn out and that makes everything more intolerable.

StrawberrytallCAKE · 28/04/2012 09:36

I'm wondering, how many of the people who are saying yabu are actually in the newborn stage or have recently been? I can't see any other reason for the attitude other than lack of knowledge that it is the most tiring, unrelenting part of having a child. A morning to get in some of the hundreds of hours of sleep you have lost can be the difference between existing and collapsing into a crying heap on the floor. More so for the woman who has just been through pregnancy and childbirth which in itself takes a couple of years to recover from (at best).

Original poster
Cazm2 · 28/04/2012 09:37

Thanks for replies. He is stillin bed so already had more sleep than me. Maybe I am unfair

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 28/04/2012 09:39

I can't see any other reason for the attitude other than lack of knowledge that it is the most tiring, unrelenting part of having a child

Are your children still small?

Mine arent so I have experience of all ages and I can say that I disagree that the newborn stage is the hardest, it just isnt IME/O

Dozer · 28/04/2012 09:43

Go over to a reflux thread OP, might be some helpful tips.

My nephew is 18 months and over it now - DB and SIL are leaving it a while before trying for DC2!

Mobly · 28/04/2012 09:44

Of course YANBU, the point is not whether you can cope alone but that you shouldn't have to.

I hope he's reasonable with you when he gets over his hangover and can see your point of view.

In future you would be better off posting in relationships, the posters there usually give excellent advice.

StrawberrytallCAKE · 28/04/2012 09:47

Maybe you just can't remember it so well Amber I'm not sure it's the hardest but I know it's the most physically exhausting.

Swipe left for the next trending thread