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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find mil's continuous incorrect advice annoying and a bit hurtful?

106 replies

fullofregrets · 25/04/2012 12:06

I am a type 1 diabetic. I have been for nearly 20 years. Alas mil seems to think that she is the guru on the subject as her sil has type 2 diabetes.
She also sometimes reads things in the papers and makes the following sort of comments:

'I read that if you eat healthy and exercise you might be able to stop your injections.' -nope, that's type 2 and certainly wouldnt apply to all type 2s anyway.

'If you lose weight you might not be diabetic anymore.' I'm a size 8. When I pointed this out she said 'that's just what I read.'

'I heard that if you are fat you are more likely to be diabetic, were you fat when you were diagnosed?' No. And type 1 has nothing to do with weight and not all type 2 does either.

'Did you eat a lot of sweets when you were little? Do you think that's why you're diabetic?'

I politely rebuff and try and tell myself she is trying to be helpful in a tactless misguided way. But actually I find the suggestion that I have somehow brought this miserable condition on myself and 'deserve it' quite hurtful. And it is never me that brings it up as I don't really talk.about it, always her.

OP posts:
JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 25/04/2012 12:08

maybe get her some correct information about type 1 and type 2 diabetes.

fragola · 25/04/2012 12:09

Oh no, that must be absolutely infuriating. You're doing really well to have been polite so far. I think she needs to be told that she's out of order!

ChunkyPickle · 25/04/2012 12:10

I don't know if it would help, but it seems to me that in this case all you can do is be a broken record - 'that may help for type 2, but I'm type 1', 'nice thought, but I'm afraid that's not the case for type 1, which is the type I have'

If she's going to go on and on with irrelevant information, then all you can do is fight back with why it's irrelevant.

Gigondas · 25/04/2012 12:10

No Yanbu - have you tried saying "do uou know how rude/hurtful that is".

it must be a mil special- my mil like to infer cos my mother and I have had different types of cancer somehow it's something wrong with my family.

With her it's part stupidity and part she is a cow. Dunno what your mil excuse is but I would
Call her on it as its Not on.

schobe · 25/04/2012 12:10

Print her out some info and give it to her. Say you're so impressed with her knowledge about and interest in TYPE 2 diabetes, you wondered if she might like to know more about what you have ie TYPE 1.

Perhaps have a stock phrase like "Oh that's interesting about TYPE 2 diabetes. Of course as you know mine is TYPE 1 and, really, completely different in so many ways."

And repeat. You can really do no more, it must be a monstrous pain in the arse. Can your partner/husband have a word?

Gigondas · 25/04/2012 12:11

I wouldn't bother with giving her info or debating it- it she is anything like mil that just encourages her to keep on the theme.

Florabeebaby · 25/04/2012 12:13

Oh god, that must be so frustrating! My lovely cousin has type 1 diabetes...she was diagnosed when she was 7. Certainly has nothing to do with weight or sweets!!!

I second the advice on getting some information leaflets etc for her to tell her about type 1 and type 2. And just kindly say how you feel when she comments about it. Maybe she thinks she is being helpful and doesn't realise it is making you upset/annoyed.

schobe · 25/04/2012 12:13

I sometimes wonder if our culture/society somehow encourages the idea that people bring ill-health or disability on themselves.

I can't put my finger on it but it's as though, for example, we must have somehow known and been prepared for our DS' autism. As if we are just 'that sort of family' and in some way inherently different from other people.

It's most odd.

squoosh · 25/04/2012 12:15

Print out some info on the differences between the two and then tell her to keep it buttoned in future.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/04/2012 12:15

YANBU... Time to stop being polite unfortunately. Put her straight in terms that leave her in no doubt that you do not want to listen to any more cod and offensive advice. Some people have a thick skin and need to be challenged. You are going to have to upset her a little (or a lot) if you want change. Good luck and don't hold back

Bramshott · 25/04/2012 12:21

Schobe - it's because somehow if we can convince ourselves that other people "brought it on themselves" then that means it can't happen to us. Accepting that random crap health and disability issues can happen to anyone, at any time is a scary concept for a lot of people.

Original poster
fullofregrets · 25/04/2012 12:23

She has no problem cramming DS with sweets despite her worry that apparently it causes diabetes.
It also annoys me because she asks quite a bit if 'I'll pass it on to him.' I know if, god forbid, DS did develop diabetes I would firmly get the blame!

OP posts:
Gigondas · 25/04/2012 12:23

Completely agree bramshott. People are phobic and superstitious about ill health/disability sometimes without even realizing they are.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/04/2012 12:24

"Are you deliberately thick or do you have to work at it?".... would be my opening gambit. Really... when she's accusing you of passing on a condition that no-one knows the cause of to your child I think the gloves are off.

valiumredhead · 25/04/2012 12:25

Just don't answer her when she asks stupid questions - she might get the message then!

Gigondas · 25/04/2012 12:25

Grin cogito

Original poster
fullofregrets · 25/04/2012 12:32

cognito I do occasionally think she is just naturally a bit thick!

OP posts:
NonAstemia · 25/04/2012 12:47

What schobe said. How infuriating for you!

madmouse · 25/04/2012 12:49

Well done being a size 8 as a diabetic Shock

and stuff the MIL!

CailinDana · 25/04/2012 12:51

Commenting on others' health uninvited is extremely rude. In your position I would just say "I don't want to discuss it," and firmly send the vibe that she is being rude.

Failing that, could your DH have a word with her?

mercibucket · 25/04/2012 12:56

Oh dear

I'd be of the 'it's so nice you're interested - here are some articles' approach but only if you can bear to engage with her on the conversation

mercibucket · 25/04/2012 12:56

Oh dear

I'd be of the 'it's so nice you're interested - here are some articles' approach but only if you can bear to engage with her on the conversation

MrsTittleMouse · 25/04/2012 12:58

schobe - I think it's a protective mechanism. No-one wants to think that it could happen to them, so anyone who has condition X must be "different" in some way, or have brought it upon themselves. If you a normal person just like anyone else, then condition X could happen to anyone, including themselves, and they just can't/don't want to deal with that.

asiatic · 25/04/2012 13:03

I agree with previous posters, broken record, have one phrae and repeat without variation every time. Chunky pickles suggestions are good.

MarySA · 25/04/2012 13:06

Well I'd be tempted to say didn't know you went to Med school when did you qualify as a doctor. But I wouldn't. I agree with saying something along lines of the nice of you to be concerned and I just got this really interesting leaflet and it sets out all the information and guildelines to follow. I also think it is a bit rude of her to keep commenting on this.