Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find mil's continuous incorrect advice annoying and a bit hurtful?

106 replies

fullofregrets · 25/04/2012 12:06

I am a type 1 diabetic. I have been for nearly 20 years. Alas mil seems to think that she is the guru on the subject as her sil has type 2 diabetes.
She also sometimes reads things in the papers and makes the following sort of comments:

'I read that if you eat healthy and exercise you might be able to stop your injections.' -nope, that's type 2 and certainly wouldnt apply to all type 2s anyway.

'If you lose weight you might not be diabetic anymore.' I'm a size 8. When I pointed this out she said 'that's just what I read.'

'I heard that if you are fat you are more likely to be diabetic, were you fat when you were diagnosed?' No. And type 1 has nothing to do with weight and not all type 2 does either.

'Did you eat a lot of sweets when you were little? Do you think that's why you're diabetic?'

I politely rebuff and try and tell myself she is trying to be helpful in a tactless misguided way. But actually I find the suggestion that I have somehow brought this miserable condition on myself and 'deserve it' quite hurtful. And it is never me that brings it up as I don't really talk.about it, always her.

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 25/04/2012 13:06

Get lots of correct information for MIL. Then get in first with a long and detailed explanation of Type 1 diabetes and it's treatment, how people manage it day to day, special precautions when going on holiday, refute all the popular misconceptions everything you can think of. You tell her it's because she has shown such an interest, but you are afraid she has been misinformed in the past and would hate her to appear ignorant to others. Your info is the most accurate and up to date there is.

I think if you can get her to listen to you rather than the other way around you might get somewhere, or at least blinding her with science might shut her up! If it doesn't, there is nothing rude about a direct reply to one of her inaccuracies "no MIL you've got that entirely wrong remember what I told you etc" while silently thinking "and you've got foot-in-mouth, but there's no chance of that getting better either!"

Tee2072 · 25/04/2012 13:08

My mom is like this but in the other direction. I have Type II, which is under control with diet and Metphormin, my nephew, unfortunately, has Juvenile Type I.

Now my mother is an expert on all areas of diabetes. I mention I had a lovely biscuit or something I hear 'gasp How can you eat that? If Z eats something like that your sister has to give him a shot immediately.'

Yes, mother, he's on insulin. I'm on tablets. Not the same thing!

About all you can do is roll your eyes and feel pity for her for being so incredibly stupid.

Original poster
fullofregrets · 25/04/2012 13:10

madmouse I've got an insulin pump. I was about a size 12 before as I think long acting insulins make you gain weight. My insulin pump runs on fast acting only and I have lost weight without trying. Still diabetic though, which is strange ad according to mil I shouldn't be. ;-)

DH says ignore her, she's only trying to help. Hmmm, the first time maybe but I've corrected her politely numerous times now. Don't think he realises how much it upsets me.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 25/04/2012 13:13

You need to get him to understand how much it upsets you OP. It's his mother who is hurting you, he should have a serious word with her and tell her to lay off.

Original poster
fullofregrets · 25/04/2012 13:14

If we go out for a meal she will also say things like 'oh it is such a shame you can't have dessert. Do you miss it?'

There is no need to say this in front of everyone imo as it isn't really something I'm comfortable about talking about. And it isn't true I can have some desserts and my insulin pump gives me loads more freedom.

I think because mil is a bit of a drama queen and because her sil is a big drama queen about having type 2 (has to eat at the exact time else will faint apparently. Even though tablet controlled) that my condition is 'fair game.'

OP posts:
thebody · 25/04/2012 13:16

How annoying and upsetting for you.

Where's dh in all this. U need to get him
To have a word but if he can't won't then just stand up and tell her that you ate not going to discuss your private medical condition with her until she actually listens to the correct information.

When she starts spouting laugh and say ' sorry but you are funny, where on earth did you read that??'

After all she's obviously just a silly old fool.

Proudnscary · 25/04/2012 13:20

Dear lord, I thought my mother was annoying. YANBU. Kill her?

ChitChatFlyingby · 25/04/2012 13:20

When she says something next time, say 'Oh I'm so glad you brought it up...' and then get into a long and involved explanation on exactly what Type I is about, and I mean REALLY long (if you can avoid letting her change the topic for the whole time you are with her even better ). Hopefully she'll get so frustrated with this information overload she'll stop mentioning it!!!!

NotVictoriaBeckham · 25/04/2012 13:24

YANBU
I'm so sorry to hear that, what a trial. I have type 1 diabetes as well and do not welcome the constant stream of uninvited and misguided advice either!
Don't know what will work with your MIL, but if you have a chance of getting through to her it might be worth trying the 'Its great that you're taking an interest but please let me explain a few facts first' approach.
I've never had to resort to using this, but there is a 'Diabetes etiquette card' that I have heard of people using to educate others. Here is a link: behavioraldiabetesinstitute.org/downloads/Etiquette-Card.pdf

Good luck!

MakeHayAndSneeze · 25/04/2012 13:27

I'd go with the blinding with science thing. Especially if she is not all that bright....Grin

Seriously though, you have done amazingly well to remain civil so far, but your OH definitely needs to know that it upsets you - it really isn't fair of her to keep saying these things, especially when she has brought your ds into it. (if she keeps feeding him sweets I'd have accused her of trying to give it to him by now....)

ivykaty44 · 25/04/2012 13:28

explain to her that for ease the two different diseases are given simple names - but really they have as much in common as a broken arm and a broken pelvis - yes they are both affecting bones but that is where the similarity ends.

MakeHayAndSneeze · 25/04/2012 13:28

I meant also to add that perhaps she's actually afraid of diabetes - some people still think of it as a total death sentence, especially if they are not uptodate with recent advances. Is it worth engaging with her on this level (if you are still trying to keep it civil and not tell her where to stick it)

QueenofPlaids · 25/04/2012 13:30

Argh! My own mother does this about my IBD & it drives me potty.

I have told her I find it hurtful, but she hasn't stopped - not sure if your MIL is similar? (My DM in particular is obsessed with me drinking Wine and at times I feel like she thinks I'm a raging alkie who's brought this on myself. On the plus side I finally managed to get her to understand that IBD is not IBS so the lectures on fibre have stopped!)

Not much advice I'm afraid but YANBU to find it annoying.

ivykaty44 · 25/04/2012 13:37

Causes

The cause of diabetes depends on the type.
Type 1 diabetes is partly inherited, and then triggered by certain infections, with some evidence pointing at Coxsackie B4 virus. A genetic element in individual susceptibility to some of these triggers has been traced to particular HLA genotypes (i.e., the genetic "self" identifiers relied upon by the immune system). However, even in those who have inherited the susceptibility, type 1 DM seems to require an environmental trigger.

Type 2 diabetes is due primarily to lifestyle factors and genetics.

could you give here this n a piece of paper next time she says something, keep it in your handbag and get it out and hand it over without saying anything.

if she then opens her mouth say clearly

you keep telling me how to change my lifestyle choices and as you can see that has nothing what so ever to do with type 1 which is what I have.

LeQueen · 25/04/2012 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 25/04/2012 13:43

YANBU that would proper piss me off too! Maybe you could print some information off for with the correct information? I doubt she means to upset/piss you off, she probably thinks she is being helpful. (If that's any consolation)

ivykaty44 · 25/04/2012 13:48

I think leQueen is right - that is why if it is written down and you give her the piece of paper to take away she can look at it again and again.

Dearest MIL keep the paper to refer to when you read an article you can refer back to the paper to see whether you need to tell dearest SIl as most articles are about type 2

LeQueen · 25/04/2012 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ivykaty44 · 25/04/2012 14:03

no with a 10 year old you would educate them, so why not do the same with a MIL?

ChitChatFlyingby · 25/04/2012 14:10

But a normal 10 year old will eventually have the mental age of an 11 year old, 12 year old, etc. The MIL will be forever stuck at 10 I think, so pointless educating them.

ivykaty44 · 25/04/2012 14:14

Use the broken record then - it works with children repeat the same phrase over and over again and eventually they will give in - much like some parents when dc us the broken record to get what they want Wink

Original poster
fullofregrets · 25/04/2012 14:47

Thank you all for suggestions. I might print some info off for her so it is in writing! The thing is unless you live with a condition you can't really know what it is like. I wouldn't try and give advise to someone with epilepsy or asthma. Or even really someone else with type 1 as everyone is so different. I don't know why she thinks she is qualified!
I defended myself from the 'you ate too many sweets' comments at school. I thought it might stop when I was an adult!

OP posts:
Original poster
fullofregrets · 25/04/2012 14:52

Advice even.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 25/04/2012 14:55

It sounds like it really hurts you OP. IMO in that situation your DH should really stop sticking his head in the sand and actually do something about it.

Fireandashes · 25/04/2012 14:58

I think if I absolutely couldn't bite my tongue and do the smile-nod-meaningless-noise thing, then I'd be tempted to respond to her comments with a standard phrase such as "they do write some dangerous rubbish in the papers, some of those idiot journalists seem to think Type 1 and Type 2 are the same thing when anyone with any sense knows they're completely different" or maybe "You read about it? Well that's interesting but if it's a choice between listening to my qualified specialist or some random journalist, I'll stick with the doctor thanks."