To be annoyed DH wants to go on a Stag do to Thailand

[FedupwithDisney]

My DH has just announced that one of his best mates (was DH's Best Man) is having his Stag do in Thailand for a week later this year and he will be going.

I am pretty annoyed. Every time I ask him to book time off work to do something as a family I get "it's not a good time at work" "I'm too busy" etc. We do have some family holiday time booked, but it's been a battle to get him to do it. He hasn't even taken all his Paternity leave that he is entitled to as work is "so busy" (DD2 is 12 weeks old). He does have a good job and I understand the pressures but how come he can suddenly take off a week for this?

If he goes I will be at home with a 3yo and a 8 mo. Guess I'll cope, I don't see him much in the week as it is, but I'm annoyed that he'll be away having a ball and I'll be dealing with the kids on my own for a week.

I'm also annoyed about the money. Surely it will cost loads. We're comfortable, but certainly not rolling in it. He gets a bonus in August which he's probably planning on using but I can think of much better things we could spend this money on like trips for the DC's and stuff for the house.

AIBU to be annoyed? He knows I'm pissed off and is sucking up to me big time, making the dinner and tidying up!

OP do you know the fiancee well? I would be bringing it up with her. "Thailand? Really? How do you feel about that?"

Whatever the whys and wherefores of a stag do in Thailand, these things are important to blokes and he might resent you if he feels he missed out

Unbelievable

Dowager - a stag do to Thailand from that UK under the OP's circumstances - I would have a problem with. I know groups of guys who go for diving and and like my husband for things like football tournaments and golfing trips, we live a very short flight away so it's cheap and convenient. Thailand is perfectly set up for this with lovely resorts with great sporting facilities. Not every resort or area is full of seedy bars and prostitutes or families wouldn't go. Poor Thailand is getting a real bashing here though not an ideal destination for a long haul expansive stag do from the UK.

Also ... as much as you ladies think of my attitude, I don't understand your attitude that you can tell anyone what they're allowed to do. Me and my DP aren't married, primarily because we don't believe in OBEY. We are partners and work together for the best of both so that as far as possible everyone wins.

happinessisawarmgun it is about a man telling his wife that he is going away on a costly holiday when he won't take any time off, not even paternity leave, to spend with her and his children! I think that scenario is likely to breed resentment in any relationship.

Can you imagine if a woman posted on here 'I am going to spend 3k going away on holiday for a week, I have told my husband I'm going and he will look after the children. I never take any time off to spend with him or my DCs', they would get a right old roasting!

But as it's a man wanting to bugger off and do his own thing, there is again a minority on here with the 'Awwww bless him he's a man and they need to do these things, just suck it up' attitude.

As someone else said, you sound like you live in the 1950s! Even down to only being able to watch what you want on telly when your DH is away!

"Also ... as much as you ladies think of my attitude, I don't understand your attitude that you can tell anyone what they're allowed to do. Me and my DP aren't married, primarily because we don't believe in OBEY. We are partners and work together for the best of both so that as far as possible everyone wins."

So you get an equal amount of holidays/fun time to your DP then do you? Or do you count having your hair done as your equivalent of a 2 week jolly?

happiness I don't think I've heard the words obey feature in many wedding vows for a long time.

We are partners and work together for the best of both so that as far as possible everyone wins.

Clearly this isn't the case for the OP

Happiness two weeks playing the ukele in Dorset, getting drunk with the lads every night is not the same as going on a lads holiday to Thailand by a long shot. I know what I would prefer my fella to be doing and, it doesnt involve getting on a plane or, underage girls.

My sister had a great time in Thailand. Staying with a relative she visited Temples, did a trek, had some beach time. It was fantastic. That is NOT what blokes on a stag night will be doing.

My bottom line on this would be if you go, you're not coming back to my home and bed. Good Luck talking to him.

"I don't understand your attitude that you can tell anyone what they're allowed to do"

That's the part would usually struggle with too. However the OP's partner is telling her what SHE WILL DO - i.e. stay at home for a week, looking after 2 young children alone, and be happy while he is fucking prostitutes with his mates in Thailand. So there is no issue at all in responding to that with a big "fuck off".

Putting a VETO on this is as much about saying NO to doing everything on her own for a week while he holidays without his family (especially as he doesn't make time for them), as it is about saying NO I don't want you to go to Thailand.

Yeah he is free to go, but having slept on it I fall into the "go if you really want but don't come back category" - if you want to act like a bachelor, go and live like one and take your dirty dick with you. I just wouldn't trust a man who acted the way the OP's partner is when he has a young family. Total KNOB!

And I say that as someone who has spent many wonderful moments holidaying in Thailand. There is certainly a lot more to Thailand than the sex industry, but I doubt very much that is why stag parties go there.

DP tried this on me once. He was the best man for a friend that is rolling in money, so came home one day and announced excitedly that they were all going on the stag do to Las Vegas. Fucking Las Vegas! I also had a 3 yr old and 3 month old at the time. Also dp works long hours too.

After picking myself up from the floor with laughter, i told him unless his name had changed to P.Diddy with a bank account to match he could dream on. From what I could gather the other wives told their partners the same.

I'm quite liberal with dp going on stags/tours- mainly glorified piss ups a couple of times a year as long as I get the same. I can't say I'd be ok with such time and money being taken away from the family, and I don't think your unreasonable being pissed off he can take time off for this but not for his family, I think that would bug me the most tbh.

Yes! My idea of fun/jolly might be different to most people's but I get to do what I want as much as I want and my DP makes concessions to allow me to that, yes.

My idea of a jolly would be a week on a yoga retreat. My DP would be perfectly happy to arrange things so I could do that.

And I like going to get my hair done, it's relaxing.

The bigger restriction for me is work - not enough time off!

I think there are two separate issues here: (1) the week away itself, which isn't really a problem in my book, particularly if the balance is redressed and (2) the communication style in the relationship which means they can't sort it out in the open.

As for Thailand, without knowing the people concerned, who can say what kind of holiday it will be. Only the OP knows if the people concerned are likely to be sleazy. If it was my DP, I know he'd be staying as far away from busy bars and brothels as he could, just not his scene.

June ha ha.

Rather a killjoy or a 'nag' than complicit in sex tourism!

It's not about telling a partner what they can or can't do, it's about being clear about your boundaries and expectations. My DH wouldn't want to go on a trip like this, he would find it utterly vile and would never consider spending that much time away from the family or that much money on something like this but for the sake of argument, if he did want to go, I wouldn't stop him but he'd be under no illusion that I accepted it or would want him back in the house. Just sitting in the bars, paying for drinks is supporting the industry.

What's 'a trip like this'? Why are people still assuming that because the trip is to Thailand it will inevitably involve sex tourism?

Is there an equivalent word for 'racism' when you're talking about a country?

I agree bleeding If a DP of mine was the kind of person who would take part in sex tourism of any kind, then they wouldn't be my DP.

GPWM Lady

I can see why its hard for him not to go

these things are important to blokes and he might resent you if he feels he missed out

This attitude always comes up on the stag threads. Frankly, he's a grown man not a 7 year old, so peer group pressure be damned. There may be good reasons why she should go on this trip (not that I can think of any) but 'My mates will tease me if I don't' is not one of them.

Funny how no one ever applies that sort of yardstick to women: 'Oh darling, I've spent all the disposable income on designer clothes and going to champagne bars, my mates would look down on me if I hadn't...' No.

Yes, Thailand getting a bad press, which is a shame. I am sure there are many beautiful places and cultural aspects to the country. I think it is more the 'stag' element that is leading people to believe that possibly it is not the these aspects of the country that is attracting these guys.

After all, if you want sunshine, there are closer (and therefore cheaper and less travelling time away from your family ) places to go, and if you want culture there are closer (and therefore cheaper etc etc) places to go. So why Thailand.....?

Sorry, he should go, not she should go.

Without even taking the sex element into consideration, I would still tell my DH to fuck off and not come back if he told me he was going off on an expensive holiday for a week, leaving me to look after the DCs.

Euw no way... I think I would laugh my socks off if OH tried to pull that one not that he would in the first place to be honest, but everyones relationship is different I guess.

That said, my OH was invited on a very close friend's Stag Do last year that started off as being somewhere far away & exotic for a week [I forget where] but most people declined due to cost/time/family/life etc, including my OH and that was without a word from me. It then became 4 days in Monte Carlo but again not many takers mainly purely due to cost [and again incl my OH, fair play to him]...

They ended up going to Scotland white water rafting & go-karting for a weekend, bless.

Men talk a lot of shit especially in a pub which is where they usually start to plan stag do's but once reality and input from WAGs kicks in I think Thailand will be relegated to a 'what could have been' pub chat

IME not all men shag around on stag nights - they seem to get drunk and then giggle over women like a bunch of pubescent teenagers. It's not pleasant or attractive but IMO it is forgiveable.

What would not be forgiveable is blowing the family's holiday fund on a travelling half way round the world to get drunk and giggle when they can do that much closer to home.

I agree pip

There´s no need to go to the expense/bother of Thailand!