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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed DH wants to go on a Stag do to Thailand

481 replies

FedupwithDisney · 24/04/2012 20:45

My DH has just announced that one of his best mates (was DH's Best Man) is having his Stag do in Thailand for a week later this year and he will be going.

I am pretty annoyed. Every time I ask him to book time off work to do something as a family I get "it's not a good time at work" "I'm too busy" etc. We do have some family holiday time booked, but it's been a battle to get him to do it. He hasn't even taken all his Paternity leave that he is entitled to as work is "so busy" (DD2 is 12 weeks old). He does have a good job and I understand the pressures but how come he can suddenly take off a week for this?

If he goes I will be at home with a 3yo and a 8 mo. Guess I'll cope, I don't see him much in the week as it is, but I'm annoyed that he'll be away having a ball and I'll be dealing with the kids on my own for a week.

I'm also annoyed about the money. Surely it will cost loads. We're comfortable, but certainly not rolling in it. He gets a bonus in August which he's probably planning on using but I can think of much better things we could spend this money on like trips for the DC's and stuff for the house.

AIBU to be annoyed? He knows I'm pissed off and is sucking up to me big time, making the dinner and tidying up!

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 25/04/2012 09:40

Thanks squishy, that sounds horrible. Tbh I just think how it would seem if someone came on here saying her dh had cheated but he was coerced, they were all over him, they wouldn't leave him alone....shed be told as a grown adult it isn't difficult not to cheat

lilbreeze · 25/04/2012 09:41

Do you know where in Thailand they're planning to go? Some parts (like Pattaya) are horribly seedy, while in others (say Ko Pha Ngang) you would struggle to find a single seedy bar or prostitute.

sugarice · 25/04/2012 09:45

Surely it's not the location that's the issue is it? A week away anywhere for what is basically a glorified booze up up is literally taking the piss.

timetochangeagain · 25/04/2012 09:47

THAILAND, for a stag do, faints!.

No chance, entirely based on the ridiculous cost.

waltermittymissus · 25/04/2012 09:47

No group of "lads" is going to go to Thailand for a nice, relaxing sun holiday. Even if by some wild stretch of the imagination they think that before they get there, when they're there it's an entirely different story. Hell would freeze over. My dh would come home and all I'd be able to think of is if he'd had sex with a child, unknowingly perhaps. Had he watched his friend rape a child? Had they watched a woman humiliate and degrade herself for a bunch of sweaty, middle-aged cretins because that's all she's ever known? Eugh I just couldn't handle it.

Original poster
FedupwithDisney · 25/04/2012 10:02

Lilbreeze, I don't know. I was too annoyed to talk about it last night as I knew it would end up in an argument. I've calmed down a bit so I'll get all the facts about this hairbrained plan tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
FedupwithDisney · 25/04/2012 10:05

sugar - yes it's the fact that he wants to bugger off for a week that bothered me originally but now I've read all these comments about how horrible it can be there I'm concerned about that too.
If he said he was off to Skeggie for a week I would still be pretty pissed off.

OP posts:
porcamiseria · 25/04/2012 10:10

my bro went on a stag do to asia
when the whoring and coke started he went home, and yes I do beleive him

his wife got herself two mini breaks back !

I supporse I am trying to say
(a) not every man uses whores
(b) its quid pro quo
(c) I can see why its hard for him not to go

But your call depending on money/time issues

happinessisawarmgun · 25/04/2012 10:16

Haven't read whole thread so apologise if repeating ad nauseam what others have said...

My DP is often away on jaunts as he's a musician. In fact, he's on one now - two weeks in Dorset boozing and playing the odd instrument! After DS was born he went to Europe for 3 weeks!

Each and every time before he goes I feel pssed off. Pssed off that I have to make tons of arrangements to cover childcare and ensure I don't go bonkers from lack of time off. P*ssed off at the extra burden while he basically has a laugh while I have to work doubly as hard. I can't complain much because he gets paid for it, so it is "work", just a fun kind of work.

I'm lucky that I have two willing and able sets of grandparents within striking distance so always depend on them massively at times like this.

YANBU BUT from my experience the best possible way to deal with it and cause as little friction as possible is to make plans, get some help in where you can and try and turn it into a positive experience for yourself. For example, this weekend I'm going down to my mum's and will get my hair done while she looks after DS.

Whatever the whys and wherefores of a stag do in Thailand, these things are important to blokes and he might resent you if he feels he missed out.

A week will fly by if you fill the time.

ScarlettAlexandra · 25/04/2012 10:22

i woukd have massive concerns as thailand is so seedy.

try telling dh that this would really upset you and you dont think things would be the same when he comes home. if he us any sort of decent bloke he will realise how you feel.

WilsonFrickett · 25/04/2012 10:24

Thailand is an amazing country and it is perfectly possible to have a holiday there without engaging in the sex industry.

And we shouldn't assume that the DP in this case wants to go on the stag because he wants to shag prostitutes.

BUT - and it's a big but - even if the DP is as pure as the driven snow when he's out there, I think it's likely that the group will be visiting bars full of prostituted women, men and children, buying drinks which go into pimps' profits and simply by being there, they are colluding with a vile, vile industry. So from that point of view, I just couldn't respect my DP if he chose to go on a trip like that.

Good luck OP - maybe you could share some of the concerns on this thread? Or price up the trip - I bet he hasn't really thought about how much it will cost.

anewmotivatedme · 25/04/2012 10:24

From the bride's perspective, the wedding would have been off if DH had suggested a week's stag do in Thailand.

What's wrong with a weekend in Prague.

I'd be cross at the cost of a week in Thailand.

StrawberrytallCAKE · 25/04/2012 10:25

What??? happiness what about the things that are important to women??? That is very shocking doormat behaviour imo. How about the resent that she will feel? Or is she supposed to just suppress that because she's the little woman indoors?

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 25/04/2012 10:26

OP Asssuming your DH comes back/is likely to come back with: "I can't believe you don't trust me!" can you afford for him to take this trip? Or is it like a max out the credit card/go significnatly into overdraft for a bit sort of trip?

I would also bet it's probably the case the best man/someone (probably not married) around him has set this up.

Bet the married ones will back out. When would he have to book by?

bamboobutton · 25/04/2012 10:27

only read OPs posts(sorry!)

just did a price check for flights, random week in sept, and it is nearly £900 for the flight!!!!!!
add on the cost of hotel, food, and prostitutes fun, manly,activities and i bet you won't see much change from £2000.

there is no way in hell i would allow this.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 25/04/2012 10:30

strawberrytallCAKE I was going to say exactly the same thing about Happiness' post.

Happiness your post sound like you are essentially saying 'Awwww let the men be men and find your way of muddling through'. I couldn't care less if my DH resented me for stopping him going on some week long jaunt whilst I was at home cooking, cleaning and looking after his children. In fact I would resent him if he did go on something like that. Or does it not matter if the woman is feeling resentful, as long as the man gets to do as he pleases?

some of the submissive attitudes to men on here really do annoy me

jasminerice · 25/04/2012 10:31

Bloody Hell. How can he just come home and announce something like this to you as a fait accomplit? No discussion no conversation. Very disrespectful and presumptuous of him. Am very sorry that your DH is such a twat.

waltermittymissus · 25/04/2012 10:32

happiness are you serious?? These things are important to blokes? Get your hair done? I feel like I've time travelled to the 1950s here! Shock

bonkersLFDT20 · 25/04/2012 10:32

Never mind the money, the time, the location, it would be the fact the he just announced he was going which would piss me off more than anything.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 25/04/2012 10:33

What is apparent in general as being important to blokes is them being able to do what they want, when they want, bugger anyone else!

jasminerice · 25/04/2012 10:34

If it was me I'd call up the stag myself and tell him no way is DH going.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 25/04/2012 10:35

The stag clearly has a high opinion of himself thinking that his friends will spend 2 or 3k each on his stag holiday! No doubt he will expect them at the wedding too, which will inevitably be costly, and I'm assuming a bloke that picks Thailand for his stag holiday will have a very pricey wedding list too..

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 25/04/2012 10:37

What's with all the 'Thailand = seedy' comments? There is a seedy side to most places but it's unfair to basically assume that you can't go to Thailand and not get involved in sex tourism.

Having said that, wherever your DH was planning to go, OP, I'd be concerned about the cost. I'd point out that you get very little family time and that it seems skewed for him to take a week for a stag do but not be able to find the time for a family holiday. If it comes down to cost and you can't afford both, I'd ask him to prioritise family time over a stag do.

jasminerice · 25/04/2012 10:37

And I'd suggest to DH that he review his friendships as I would question the type of man who would want to do this sort of thing for his stag do. Feel sorry for his fiancee.

happinessisawarmgun · 25/04/2012 10:37

strawberry - it depends on the level of communication you have in the relationship. If you can talk about worries, resentments etc. It's nothing to do with feminism, it's about one party wanting a week away while the other looks after the kids. If it's that problematic, then the OP should spend that week making arrangements for a week away somewhere herself. Or 10 nights out, or whatever she wants. Give and take innit.

Yes, she may have feelings of resentment. But look deeper, what's it really about? I find that my feelings are often more to do with jealousy of time off that I don't get. In reality I get a lot of help and actually end up having quite a nice time where I can watch what I like on the telly and have the whole bed to myself.