To be annoyed DH wants to go on a Stag do to Thailand

[FedupwithDisney]

My DH has just announced that one of his best mates (was DH's Best Man) is having his Stag do in Thailand for a week later this year and he will be going.

I am pretty annoyed. Every time I ask him to book time off work to do something as a family I get "it's not a good time at work" "I'm too busy" etc. We do have some family holiday time booked, but it's been a battle to get him to do it. He hasn't even taken all his Paternity leave that he is entitled to as work is "so busy" (DD2 is 12 weeks old). He does have a good job and I understand the pressures but how come he can suddenly take off a week for this?

If he goes I will be at home with a 3yo and a 8 mo. Guess I'll cope, I don't see him much in the week as it is, but I'm annoyed that he'll be away having a ball and I'll be dealing with the kids on my own for a week.

I'm also annoyed about the money. Surely it will cost loads. We're comfortable, but certainly not rolling in it. He gets a bonus in August which he's probably planning on using but I can think of much better things we could spend this money on like trips for the DC's and stuff for the house.

AIBU to be annoyed? He knows I'm pissed off and is sucking up to me big time, making the dinner and tidying up!

I have been to Pattaya and i think anyone who has witnessed the vile, filthy and abusive treatment of the tennage girls would, if they were decent, refuse to return for a "fun men's" holiday.
Any father who goes to Thailand for "fun" should be ashamed of himself, these are nothing more than vulnerable children.

My husband had been on doos with the lads to Thailand for a few days at a time for footie tournaments. I know what some parts are like but I trust him. If I lived in your in your situation I wouldn't be happy about the money, lack of other family time and holidays and the fact it's a stag do.

What would bother me the most about this is the being presented with a fait accompli and the fact that he will make time for this but not family.

I would trust my husband although I doubt he would want to go & the friendship would probably dwindle due to him realising his friend was a twat.

I do think we need to move away from sex tourism I dont want the op thinking her husband is going to be having an orgy with a lady boy and a young girl , Thousands of people do Holiday in thailand and dont go near a prostitute , The problem is he is going for a week to an exotic holiday and she is miffed about it ,

Honestly, I'd tell him if he went to Thailand for this stag do (along with others I say "ewwwwwwwwww!") I'd be changing the locks on him. For several reasons, the main one being he isn't commiting to his family but is willing to commit to a week in a sex tourist haven

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure Thailand is a lovely country (My DP raves about the scubadiving and beaches) but the fact this lot of perves are going for a stag do makes me think there wont be lots of photos of the sights they've seen on FB to show wives, friends and family.

This would be a dealbreaker for me. He sounds horrible to be honest - he won't even take his measly 2 weeks paternity leave but he'll go away to a far flung destination for a whole week! It makes it loud and clear how he feels about you and that is hurtful. Then there's the incredible ethical issues surrounding Thailand. If the stag do is about booze and sun, why wouldn't they go to spain or somewhere? You have to ask, Why Thailand?

Thanks all, I must be very naive, I knew it was a bit seedy but some of the things on here are pretty disturbing.

I'm hoping that DH was just a bit excited at the prospect last night and hadn't thought it through.

Thanks for arming me with this info, we will be talking tonight. Wish me luck

The thing about trusting these men - these stag parties always go to prostitution destinations. Like I said it's always Amsterdam, Prague, Vegas, Thailand. It's because they want to take advantage of what's on offer and easily obtained. If you go to Thailand there are women everywhere being sold for sex, other places not so much.

Thailand is full of men whose wives back home trust them. It's very sad.

Good luck Fedup. Not an easy conversation.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt he could just have been over excited at the prospect of a week off having fun with his friends drinking and being a bit lairy, rather than planning a week if debauched sex with Thai prostitutes.

I also seriously doubt this stag do will end up in Thailand, as the realisation of cost and impact on family time dawns of those invited.

OP I'd be having serious words about your DH's attitude to family time, sounds like he may well be throwing himself into work as a means of avoiding his home life.

thefurryone - I hope you're right. I'm pretty sure the other wives would have had the same reaction as me, and once they realise the cost and time off they would need they'll probably start dropping out.

Fedup, has he ever been to other similar destinations on stag dos or boys' holidays?

Thailand is a gorgeous country, and there's loads to do and see there

But, having spent a lot of time there, I can say I've never seen a group of men there to enjoy those things. I am a very laid back person, as liberal as they come, but I was horrified. The women were for sale in every bar, you didn't need to go anywhere near the red light districts to encounter rife prostitution. Late at night, you would see the actual dancers, ping pong girls etc leaving the clubs and they were mostly totally off their tits. I got talking to some and asked why they did it. All of them told me they hated it, but their families (mostly from the northern parts) were very poor, and this way they could send money to them. A few had (what they deemed to be) wealthy Europeans sending them money every month. Each man thought they were in some sort of relationship and that the money was to compensate for them not working anymore. These girls live in rooms with low rent, and certainly aren't living the life of Riley.

The worst were the men who would buy a girl for longer than a night, and would parade around like they were in a mutual relationship. Sometimes there would be a girl on each arm. These men were mostly awful, vile creatures. The girls would all want to be with these men as they paid well, and generally would only manage sex once.

None of these girls had a genuine smile.

The worst thing I saw, and I know it's not right for it to seem so much worse than anything else, was a club with young men / boys (they were probably about 15) dancing on podiums and in windows outside it in teeny hotpants. They just looked so vulnerable. Horrific.

I think aside from all of that, my husband would never have such little respect for me as to tell me he was going on a week long holiday. And we do have a separate holiday every year. We still discuss it, and it would never be at the expense of our joint holiday. I'd say that is probably a bigger, long term, issue that the holiday destination.

Hownoo - why do you think the lads trips go to Thailand? It's not for the scenery, as KRITIQ said.

Nyac, he's been on loads of Stag do's but they've all been in UK and only for 1/2 nights.
Also boys golfing holiday in Spain too but before DC's.

I am usually pretty chilled out about this sort of thing (I have several girls weekends away a year - including one to Budapest this year - so I dont have an issue with people having short breaks away from their partners.) However this seems wrong to me on a number of levels. Why Thailand? Unless they are all keen divers and going to one of the more remote locations, then a stag do to Thailand would only seem to have one aim to me, and it isn't about being faithful to partners. Also, whilst DH and I occasionally spend time away from each other, it would never be instead of family time. We are lucky to get generous leave allowances so fit it around family time together. That takes precedence, and your DH's attitude would really rile me.

I just don't understand the world that these men inhabit if a stag do is a week half way round the world.

I would be considering my relationship if my husband tried this on me (which he wouldn't). His stag do was wine tasting and a nice meal.

I think priorities have gone all wrong. Getting married is about love, support, friendship and commitment for life....not an excuse to have as many booze filled nights out as you can manage.

Thailand is a wonderful place but you should be going as a family and your husbands friend should be going on honeymoon.

I have been fortunate enough to spend quite a reasonable period of time living in Thailand. It is beautiful and tranquil and the people and culture are second to none.

That is from a western woman's view.

I have also seen the groups of Western men trawling the bars with tiny girls/women hanging off them, sitting in their laps and openly masturbating them. The women have targets to meet set by their pimps and are very, vey persistant and who can blame them, they often face a beating if they don't.

I love and trust my OH implicitly and would not usually ask him to refrain from doing something (I have never had to) nor him me.

But, a stag do in Thailand would make me pause for thought. Big time.

I would gently suggest a family holiday would be a better way to spend the money and a stag do nearer to home.

Good luck OP, I really hope you get it sorted and that he realises he is being unfair.

It saddens me to read threads like these where men are thinking they can do whatever they like, whenever they like, and just assume that their partner will pick up the slack and provide childcare whilst they jaunt off somewhere. My DH did used to be a bit like that but he has improved a lot now as I threatened to kick him out, but honestly some of his friends, grown men in their thirties, still go off regularly for stag weekends all around the globe. It's almost a competitive thing now, having a bigger, better and further away stag do than everyone else.

DH does have the occasional night away if he and his mates are clubbing in a city 40 miles away, just staying in a premier inn or something, and I'm fine with that. But what I do do now is take the time back for myself, minute for minute, so he thinks about the time he will be away and leaving everything to me. He is going on a night away next weekend actually; 4pm on the Saturday and probably back by midday on the Sunday. Hangover or not, he will be taking over the childcare the minute he gets in the door and I will go to the gym, meet a friend for a late lunch/early tea afterwards and then go to the cinema. DH knows now that I will actually take every minute to myself to make sure it is equal, and so he wouldn't go on a week long holiday as he knows I really would book myself something and go and he wouldn't want a week of dealing with the kids and the house by himself!

Hexagonal - you have handled that beautifully.

Stealth I think it is more because is isn't confined to strip clubs, brothels and nightclubs. It is literally everywhere. And the girls don't just approach somebody and ask if they want sex, they are very flirty and charming, and you do see men being flattered by the attention and perhaps goin further than they otherwise would. A lot of men don't even realise that regular bar girls are prostitutes until they have fallen for them, and the costs and bar fines are then presented to them.

There was also a bar we were told of, where the girls are inside the bar and inside the tables. You get a drink, sit down and have a blow job.

I had a massage on a beach, and the woman was trying to persuade my husband to have one (he doesn't like strangers touching him, bit OCD) and she told him she could make him very happy, and have fun time. And that was on a beach in the middle of the day. All we'd gone there for is to hire a couple of jetskis. And the beach was littered with obese western men with their holiday girlfriends and boyfriends.

Thanks Slippery It's taken years of perfecting my technique but I think he's finally got the hint now!

hahahahahaha.

I have a DH who buggers off with mates to Monaco Grand Prix, Hong Kong Sevens and anywhere else he fancies once a year. Drives me potty that he'll fly home from our own holidays for essential business meetings, but whoops it up with his equally childish mates without ever calling the office. But it's who he is and I knew it when I married him (and to be fair it is often business colleagues that he goes with)

Given all of that, even my DH would know better than to book Thailand.

My DH is unreasonable. Your DH is being an arse thinking it's even worth asking. I get annoyed at my DH's behaviour going to these blokey events, but if he tried to land a holiday somewhere like Thailand, I'd have his guts for garters.

They are going there to get laid. I love Thailand, but the stories i could tell you would curl your hair. One of my great friends lived in Pattaya for 2 years as her husband had a major electrical factory there. She gets close to vomiting when talking about it.

YANBU I'd be miffed about it, why do Stag/Hen parties have to go on for a weekend or longer? How would he feel if you went off for a week and left him in sole charge of the kids?