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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed DH wants to go on a Stag do to Thailand

481 replies

FedupwithDisney · 24/04/2012 20:45

My DH has just announced that one of his best mates (was DH's Best Man) is having his Stag do in Thailand for a week later this year and he will be going.

I am pretty annoyed. Every time I ask him to book time off work to do something as a family I get "it's not a good time at work" "I'm too busy" etc. We do have some family holiday time booked, but it's been a battle to get him to do it. He hasn't even taken all his Paternity leave that he is entitled to as work is "so busy" (DD2 is 12 weeks old). He does have a good job and I understand the pressures but how come he can suddenly take off a week for this?

If he goes I will be at home with a 3yo and a 8 mo. Guess I'll cope, I don't see him much in the week as it is, but I'm annoyed that he'll be away having a ball and I'll be dealing with the kids on my own for a week.

I'm also annoyed about the money. Surely it will cost loads. We're comfortable, but certainly not rolling in it. He gets a bonus in August which he's probably planning on using but I can think of much better things we could spend this money on like trips for the DC's and stuff for the house.

AIBU to be annoyed? He knows I'm pissed off and is sucking up to me big time, making the dinner and tidying up!

OP posts:

ToothbrushThief · 25/04/2012 21:00

Your OP gave loads of reasons why your DH is pretty thoughtless....not prioritising family.

Going to Thailand on a boys holiday is just another issue.

I have a dim view of male tourists in Thailand. I had the misfortune of sitting in front of a pair of inadequates discussing their impending holiday on a train once

Whether your DH is heading to a sex tourist venue without you... with the intention of being a sex tourist is a matter for pointless MN conjecture... if you're happy with it.

So, are you?

theinets · 25/04/2012 21:08

Thailand is a lovely country, full of wonderful places to go and visit.

Thailand for stag do , getting wasted and leering at exploited women and girls. grotty, seedy and what a waste of jet fuel.

Tell him to get a grip, or at least do something classy and cool when he's there, not looking in fleshpots in Bangkok and taking cheap nasty drugs.

nkf · 25/04/2012 21:12

We all know that there are prostitutes everywhere. What there is in Thailand (which isn't the case everywhere) is a culture that normalises it. That's why men who have never been to a prostitute in their home town do so in places like Thailand. People behave differently on holiday, on stag dos and in sex tourism countries like Thailand.

I feel as if I am having to talk in words of one syllable so will bow out now. I think there is some damn silliness being talked and some pretend let's believe the best of everyone. The OP's husband sounds like a waste of space anyway with or without the Thailand trip.

NamesKerry · 25/04/2012 21:14

My slime ball father goes to Thailand four times a year, and it isn't for the beaches and scenery. He makes no secret of why he's there and is constantly encouraging my brothers to go with him. I've been sat in his house and he's had the nerve to start up a slideshow of pictures. Going by what I've seen and heard off him and his sleazy mates it's a seedy corrupt place. I used to ask him if he felt at all ashamed for buying women for sex (you can buy them for an hour or for the whole duration of your holiday there) and typically he said if it wasn't for the sex industry the poor girls would be starving and homeless.

If someone organises a stag do in Thailand no way would I believe it's for the temples and beaches!

Nyac · 25/04/2012 21:17

Husbands who go on stag trips to Thailand have a 70% chance at least of paying for sex.

Those aren't good odds, no matter how much trust wives are expected to put in them.

GeriatricBabyMama · 25/04/2012 21:17

I think there is some damn silliness being talked and some pretend let's believe the best of everyone.

Yes, some posters on this thread are being rather disingenuous to say the least. Agree about people behaving differently when they're away and in groups. It's the 'what happens on tour, stays on tour' thing.

BrieAddicted · 25/04/2012 21:23

It's silliness to say that a man is capable of visiting Thailand as part of a stag party and not shag a prostitute because 'people behave differently on holiday' Good Lord I've heard it all now.

GeriatricBabyMama · 25/04/2012 21:23

typically he said if it wasn't for the sex industry the poor girls would be starving and homeless

Why don't men who use this justification just give the poor girls some money if they care so much about them being starving and homeless? Why make them do something in return for their £5 or whatever pittance it is? This is so horribly abusive :(

theinets · 25/04/2012 21:25

From that chillisauce Bangkok stag weekend holiday company tips for visitors :

"trust us after a few beers it is extremely easy to mistake a ladyboy for a Thai woman. If you do find a pretty 'woman' coming onto you in a bar and your mind starts to play tricks, just stick your hand straight up her skirt mid-conversation and check out what she's packing"

nice!

BlueFergie · 25/04/2012 21:27

Your DH is a tosser.
Nobody in this house makes a unilateral announcement about spending that amount of money or using that amount of annual leave. Who the fuck does he think he is?
This would not happen here. And I couldnt give any shade of fuck whether his tosspot mates thought I was a killjoy or not.

As for the destination I agree with he consensus that more than likely the sex industry is the pull factor here (for some even if not for OPs DH). However there is a really famous 'full moon' party on one of the small islands (Ko Phan Nang?). So it could possibly be that they are heading for. I do know people who have arranged trips to Thailand specifically for this.

GeriatricBabyMama · 25/04/2012 21:29

It's silliness to say that a man is capable of visiting Thailand as part of a stag party and not shag a prostitute because 'people behave differently on holiday' Good Lord I've heard it all now.

Ok, men behave differently on 'lads' holidays and stag dos. Especially if the destination is renowned as a major centre for prostitution :)

godluvsatryer · 25/04/2012 21:33

I sympathise, my OH went for 10 days to Kenya earlier this year, was completely out of contact the whole time. You're in an impossible position, he's made the decision and there's probably nothing you can say. I'm still feeling resentful, my kids are 6 and 2 but I have a post viral thing so have been struggling. I liked the more constructive comments but have yet to follow advice like that!

mamij · 25/04/2012 21:39

OMG. I would be majorly cross if DH did that!

Ask him for flight details tell him you're going to book tickets for you and your DCs too (Thailand is too far and too expensive for a stag do). Then tell him you want him to take another week off so you get a family holiday together for two weeks (he can go our with his friends in the evenings).

garlicnutter · 25/04/2012 21:48

That's quite a good idea, mamij :)

OneLastSoul · 25/04/2012 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

dreamingbohemian · 25/04/2012 22:19

Miyagi, I see what you're saying, but let me try to explain where I'm coming from like this:

I personally have not been cheated on (that I know of!) and I trust my DH fully. I have strong ethical objections to the sex industry but by no means do I think every man capable of using prostitutes, or that every man cheats or anything like that.

However, what I have seen in my own life, is that even very decent men can get sucked into dodgy things, usually as a combination of being really drunk and having dodgy friends put them up to things. And stag dos are the worst for this, amongst a lot of men it is practically seen as a 'free pass' to be dodgy, especially if away from home.

I know at least four men very well who never cheated on their partners, ever, except on their stag dos. All but one of them had no intention of doing so but it still happened. These are good guys, they were just really stupid for a couple hours, but that doesn't excuse what they did.

I also used to work at a bar with a private room in the cellar, that the owner decided to rent out for stag dos. It only lasted 3 weeks because every party, though they swore they would not do anything dodgy, snuck in strippers who ended up giving everyone blow jobs.

This is just my experience, but it tallies with the experience of so many other people I know in real life and online.

Now, it's possible that here you have a group of guys who just coincidentally have decided to go on a stag do to one of the biggest sex tourism spots in the world. But you have to figure at least some of them will be up for something dodgy, and things could easily get out of hand.

Anyway that's why I think it's a stupid idea. I hope that makes some sense.

Devora · 25/04/2012 22:32

Lord, can we get away from this claim that posters on this thread are being rude about Thailand? I don't blame THAILAND - or its people - for the fact that massive numbers of British and European men flock over there every year to abuse vulnerable women and children. Of course there are Thai people who collude with that industry and profit from it - but I'm putting the primary blame on the people who are doing the raping and abusing.

I'm sure there are British men who go there and don't take part in this. Some of them on stag dos. But I would be astonished if there were many stag dos where at least some of the party didn't take part. And that means the others are colluding with a vile misogynist industry. So even if dp's OP wouldn't take part in sexual abuse himself, his presence would be affirming and supporting a truly disgusting industry.

Going on a stag do to Thailand seems to me to be morally equivalent to viewing child porn on your PC, in that even though you may not be directly abusing anyone yourself, you are fuelling others' direct abuse.

DitaVonCheese · 25/04/2012 22:37

Hope your chat's going ok OP.

VivaLeBeaver · 25/04/2012 22:39

I've been to Thailand backpacking when I was younger. The sex industry was very in your face.
Plenty of European men who'd come away purely to find a girl for the duration. The girls are referred to as "rentals", as in "I'm taking my rental back tomorrow and swapping her for another one".

HappyMummyOfOne · 25/04/2012 22:45

I dont think you can automatically assume that the OP's DH will be upto mischief just because of the destination.

I dont believe couples should stop doing fun things with their friends just because they are in a relationship so the holiday itself wouldnt be an issue and the family are having a holiday too.

If he has worked hard for his bonus then surely he can spend it on what he likes?

StealthPolarBear · 25/04/2012 23:04

When does the op get her bonus that she presumably works hard for too?

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/04/2012 23:09

I trust my DH. I would still be pretty disgusted if he was on a stag in Thailand and pigs were circling overhead and even one of the others cheated and/or used a prostitute. Given that Thailand is this kind of destination, wouldn't people worry that their OHs were tacitly involved in the sex trade. Because I bet those girls think they are complicit.

My DH's BF wanted to go to Vegas for his 40th and I said, "great, we'll all go and you can go and get drunk and be an idiot when me and DD are in for the evening, that way everyone gets to have fun". DH thought that was a good compromise, BF didn't. I wonder why and he has form for getting hand jobs from massage professionals.

If even one of the men on the stag has sex for money in a place where so many of the women are in fact underage, coerced girls, I wouldn't want my DH there turning a blind eye. Fuck that.

carernotasaint · 25/04/2012 23:12

WOW Happymummyofone..you really would put up with anything to hang on to your wealthy husband wouldnt you?!

forvraiment · 25/04/2012 23:49

Blimey - I've never felt compelled to get involved but as a husband/father lurker I think this has to be the worst case of stereotype/worstcasescenario/allmenaredirtybastard threads I've read. I've been on many a stag and have never once come close to cheating on my wife who I love very much. Yes there have been a couple strip clubs, but always as a tick box for the groom who has felt mortified and embarrassed and we've beaten a swift exit.

I've also been to Thailand a couple times, both in an all male group and with a girlfriend on separate occasions, but it has invariably been the diving and the beaches that we went for and not the sex industry. Yes it does exist but to think that thai tourism is geared exclusively to middle aged perverts is not only dangerously naive but also horribly narrow minded.

My final gripe (knowing I shall be flamed for my whole contribtion) is with carernotasaint - who are you to accuse Happymummyofone of compromising herself of the sake of her husbands income??? what do you know about their financial situation and what is wrong with wanting to continue to have fun as a couple, be it together or in your own space???

Before you launch into me my a disclaimer - my wife earns more than me, yes we both do alright, but she knows she can do what she likes but so can I. We both respect each other... shockingly simple

carernotasaint · 25/04/2012 23:53

Because ive read a LOT of HappyMummyofone"s posts on the benefit threads where she has shown herself up to be a hypocrite more than once.

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