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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed DH wants to go on a Stag do to Thailand

481 replies

FedupwithDisney · 24/04/2012 20:45

My DH has just announced that one of his best mates (was DH's Best Man) is having his Stag do in Thailand for a week later this year and he will be going.

I am pretty annoyed. Every time I ask him to book time off work to do something as a family I get "it's not a good time at work" "I'm too busy" etc. We do have some family holiday time booked, but it's been a battle to get him to do it. He hasn't even taken all his Paternity leave that he is entitled to as work is "so busy" (DD2 is 12 weeks old). He does have a good job and I understand the pressures but how come he can suddenly take off a week for this?

If he goes I will be at home with a 3yo and a 8 mo. Guess I'll cope, I don't see him much in the week as it is, but I'm annoyed that he'll be away having a ball and I'll be dealing with the kids on my own for a week.

I'm also annoyed about the money. Surely it will cost loads. We're comfortable, but certainly not rolling in it. He gets a bonus in August which he's probably planning on using but I can think of much better things we could spend this money on like trips for the DC's and stuff for the house.

AIBU to be annoyed? He knows I'm pissed off and is sucking up to me big time, making the dinner and tidying up!

OP posts:
MrMiyagi · 25/04/2012 19:56

"Up thread a poster wrote about men having their drinks spiked quite regularly in order to manipulate and/or rob them. Maybe he won't go with the intention. That doesn't mean he won't do it"

Are you honestly equating having your drink spiked to cheating?

nkf · 25/04/2012 19:57

I said there might well be men who while away their time etc...

BrightnessFalls · 25/04/2012 19:57

I want to know how the stags fiancée feels about this and, where is planning to go for her hen?

waltermittymissus · 25/04/2012 19:58

No I'm not. But take it out of context if you like!

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/04/2012 19:59

MrMiyagi I'm interested in your thoughts on it in general. I agree that the OP's DH could be wanting time away with sun, sea and sand. I would love to go to Thailand Grin. However, I have seen stags in Thailand and generally someone more than one was always with the Thai 'girlfriend' and having special massages and so on. Do you think it is OK for the OP's DH to collude in the sexual exploitation of women children and possible infidelity in his friends? Because that is what is going on here.

MrMiyagi · 25/04/2012 20:00

"I said there might well be men who while away their time etc..."
and your duck comment?

"I want to know how the stags fiancée feels about this and, where is planning to go for her hen?"
that's different, only a controlling bastard would object to a hen do's plans...

"No I'm not. But take it out of context if you like!"
ok, put it into context for us. People get spiked and mugged every where, it's a completely different issue to the one in the op, why bring it up?

dreamingbohemian · 25/04/2012 20:02

Oh keep your pity Miyagi

Nobody here is saying a man is incapable of going away for a week without shagging a prostitute

People are saying that going on a week-long stag do to the world's number-one sex tourism spot means it's pretty likely that some dodgy stuff will happen

nkf · 25/04/2012 20:03

Well exactly. I think it's almost certainly a shagfest with prostitutes but I am allowing for the small chance that it isn't. Just like it might not be a duck. It might be a human in a costume or a clockwork toy.

MrMiyagi · 25/04/2012 20:05

MrsTerryPratchett I hate the idea of going on a week long stag do anywhere, never mind Thailand. But assuming he does go and doesn't cheat (he would have access to prostitutes on a damp night in Blackpool fgs, never mind thailand), then how is colluding in their sexual exploitation? I was on a stag do in liverpool a few months ago where an idiot (since broke up) cheated on his girlfriend with a lass on a hen do from London. I certainly wasn't collusive in that affair, why would this be any different?

waltermittymissus · 25/04/2012 20:08

Context: it's possible that op's dh doesn't intend to have sex with a prostitute. It is possible that he will go there where you can't (in certain "stag friendly" parts) avoid sex workers, even if you want to. Maybe his drink gets spiked, he shags some man/woman/boy/girl, contracts an STI and ruins both their lives. All because he wanted to reinact The Hangover 2 like some 17 year old idiot and willingly went to a place that a majority of men DON'T go to for the scenery and culture.

AyeRobot · 25/04/2012 20:08

Ah, the "I only buy Playboy for the articles" defence.

This thread ties in nicely with the ones about what men can do about not tolerating male violence towards (and exploitation of) women by actually not tolerating it (and saying that).

MrMiyagi · 25/04/2012 20:08

And a stag do destination only indicates the choices of the man organising it. That stag do was in Liverpool because the groom was a massive football fan (as a United fan I hated it, as did a good few of the guests!) but we went because we liked the groom. Why assume every man in the group is going for a sex tourism holiday?

MrMiyagi · 25/04/2012 20:09

Context: it's possible that op's dh doesn't intend to have sex with a prostitute. It is possible that he will go there where you can't (in certain "stag friendly" parts) avoid sex workers, even if you want to. Maybe his drink gets spiked, he shags some man/woman/boy/girl, contracts an STI and ruins both their lives. All because he wanted to reinact The Hangover 2 like some 17 year old idiot and willingly went to a place that a majority of men DON'T go to for the scenery and culture

Nice, do you call female victims of date rape idiots too?

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/04/2012 20:10

Because in Thailand there is a massive imbalance in power, even if the sex workers are now over 16, they probably started under 16, they are beaten, addicted deliberately, controlled, forced to work and the power structure is such that they have no way out. The police are paid off and the women are sold into the trade so that they are effectively slaves. If his friend has sex with one of these women, and he knows about it and does nothing, does that not mean he is colluding? I think it does. I wouldn't stand back and let a friend rape in child in the UK, why would I think it was not colluding in Thailand? If one of the married men does this and he doesn't tell the wife, does that not mean he is colluding? I think it does.

dreamingbohemian · 25/04/2012 20:10

Because it's an awful long way to go for some pad thai?

MrMiyagi · 25/04/2012 20:11

Also, do you have reliable statistics on why the majority of men go to Thailand? Or just sexist generalisations?

MrMiyagi · 25/04/2012 20:13

MrsTerryPratchett, good point, and if he knew one of the stags had sex with a minor and did nothing about it, that would be reprehensible. It is a bit of a leap to assume that's exactly what's going to happen though.

MrMiyagi · 25/04/2012 20:15

Just to add, I'm still disgusted that a man who has his drink spiked then is sexually assaulted is blamed for it and called an idiot by certain posters.

theodorakis · 25/04/2012 20:15

I am sure there are nicer parts than pattaya but I am not sure people would go there for a stag weekend. I would be interested to know what area they were planning to go to. Maybe they are going for the elephants and tigers (not so keen on that side of it either)

dreamingbohemian · 25/04/2012 20:15

I did point out upthread that the sex industry in Thailand is worth $4 billion. Pretty impressive.

MrMiyagi · 25/04/2012 20:17

Maybe they're going for a cheap week long bender somewhere warm? I believe that sort of thing attracts stag dos for some wild reason.

theodorakis · 25/04/2012 20:18

All of the girls I saw being pulled down the streets by gangs of western men were underage, that's the point. I saw boys as young as 5 or 6 being pimped openly on the street. Thank you terrypratchet for explaining it much better than me

Moln · 25/04/2012 20:19

Hmmm for me if DH announced he was going to Thailand I would be rightly miffed for several reasons

  1. There's no blooming way that a big whack of money from our income is going on him going somewhere that's (in our world anyway) a 'once in a life time' trip without me or the boys

  2. It would most certainly cost a lot of money and there isn't much money to be spend around these parts. You can go get horribly drunk nearer to home for less money.

I don't think I'd be overtly worried about sleeping with prostitutes seeing that there are prostitutes hanging about a few miles from where we live so if he were include he wouldn't need to go to Thailand.

Though you know what this thread has made me realise. That DH has been away twice in the last two years with 'the lads' and I haven't been anywhere. Hmmmmmm (actually I know why this is - because those that have invited me away just go places to drink all day and I can't do that so wouldn't really have a good time. I need to find me some soberer friends and go away with them)

bigfunnylass · 25/04/2012 20:20

i would hate it,even if you trust your husband the destination alone rings alarm bells for me!,tbh most men will find the time and money if they really want to do something which is unfair,i'd be inclined to tell your husband if he has the disposable income to fund this trip he should be taking you somewhere fun and romantic instead....stamp your feet...i would!!

dreamingbohemian · 25/04/2012 20:21

'In 1999, approximately 8,652,000 tourists visited Thailand, and by 2002 that number rose to about 10,873,000.6 Out of all the tourists that visit Thailand each year, approximately 60% are male, and NGOs estimate that 70% of male tourists in Thailand are sex tourists.'

www.wouk.org/rahab_international/pdf_files/Sex%20Tourism%20in%20Thailand.pdf

That's just the 10-second googling. Will try to find something more...